I need help!! Can someone please respond?? First time writing in.

Eight months ago, I accepted a position in McAllen, Texas. My family remained in Chicago and could not move down with me due to financial reasons. So for the last 8 months,I have been living on my own with trips back up to Chicago once every 5-6 weeks.

Around Thanksgiving of last year, a woman in HR began taking a notice to me. And to be honest, I noticed her. We started dating after Thanksgiving and since my wife was still in Chicago, no one would no.

The affair mushroomed and for 3 months, we went out alot, shared our thoughts and I experienced some things that I needed from my wife.

My wife found out about the affair in January. The bill from the phone company, then she hired a private detective. She also intercepted phone messages as well.

We just continued the affair like nothing was going to stop. Boy, did they stop!!

Three weeks ago, I suspected that she was now seeing another man who was also married at work. Although she denied, I could not stop the suspicion.I should not have cared because I was married. But in honesty, I had fallen in love with this woman.

Last weekend, after talking to several employees at work, I discovered that she was seeing this guy and taking long dinners.

I lost my job this past Monday because I tried having her fired and I also tried having the new co-worked exposed.

I came back to Chicago with a wife who knows about the affair and is devasted. I am stuggling from all sides. I fell in love with this woman in McAllen and I also hurt my wife!! I lost a job that i had been doing really successful at as well!!

MY QUESTIONS ARE SIMPLE.........WHY DO WE HAVE AFFAIRS????? HOW DO YOU KEEP A SPARK GOING AFTER 7 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. (TOTAL OF 15 YEARS)

IT FELT SO NEW, SO GREAT, SO EXCITING WITH THIS WOMAN IN MCALLEN!!!! SHE MADE ME FEEL SPECIAL.

MY WIFE IS DEVASTED!! SHE WANTS TO KEEP THE MARRIAGE. I AM DEVESTAED IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

HELP!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> r2rsonkin@aol.com

First welcome to MB,

I may sound blunt here, but man how ironic the woman you have an extra marital affair with has an affair with another married man... doesn't that tell you something?

Someone will be along who could answer your questions a lot more tactfully than I ever could.

Your wife is the most important person in this situation right now, I hope she is getting the support she needs. You should consider yourself extremely lucky she wants to rebuild your marriage.

Where exactly do you stand on rebuilding your marriage? You didnt say other then you were devastated...imagine how your wife feels. OW seems to have already moved on to wreck another marriage.

Dino

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: dinotopia ]</small>

Hi RR,

Welcome.

Please get Surviving an Affair. It will help you and your W. I also hear that Relationship Rescue is very good. I skimmed it, and it looked good.

You really did not love this OW, you only think you did. She was there when you were lonely because you missed your family. She was not real, what you had was not real. She only filled a missing void in your life because your W was in Chicago. It felt real, but it would not have stood up to the test of time. She proved that, because she moved on to other pasteurs.

Now, on the other hand, your W is devasted, betrayed. She put her trust in you and you violated it.

Find another job, go to MC, go to IC, work on your M. You are very lucky that your W wants to try to make the M work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IT FELT SO NEW, SO GREAT, SO EXCITING WITH THIS WOMAN IN MCALLEN!!!! SHE MADE ME FEEL SPECIAL. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It felt new, because it was. You didn't really know each other, like you do when you are with someone for 15 years. You two were only involved, what was it 3 months. Most R start to fizzle around there unless they are the real thing.

You and your W need to Date, spend time together, that is how you keep your M alive. Communicate with each other.

About the sadest part of the whole thing is that there seemed a "bond" between my lover and I. It was not reality. She kept telling me that our relationship was not reality. I just did not get it.

Truth is.......you go 8 months without any family or friends, how long would you last wouthout temtation.???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dinotopia:
<strong>First welcome to MB,

I may sound blunt here, but man how ironic the woman you have an extra marital affair with has an affair with another married man... doesn't that tell you something?

Someone will be along who could answer your questions a lot more tactfully than I ever could.

Your wife is the most important person in this situation right now, I hope she is getting the support she needs. You should consider yourself extremely lucky she wants to rebuild your marriage.

Where exactly do you stand on rebuilding your marriage? You didnt say other then you were devastated...imagine how your wife feels. OW seems to have already moved on to wreck another marriage.

Dino</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

My wife continues to tell me that it was not real.

The only thing I do know is that I felt special and important. I mean, the reaching out to hold the hand.

Sometimes you need that reasurance. That you are still attractive. It sounds like excuses but I LOVED TOUCHING HER HAND AND HAVING HER GREET ME TO KISS.

Hopefully you understand.

Hi RR,

I think you were lonely. You were there without your W, and you wanted companionship, so it felt real. It filled a missing void which was probably your W. Before you went to Tx, would you have behaved this way? Or do you think you would have behaved this way if your W was with you in Tx. I know you cannot answer these question because these situations did not exist, but my guess in "no".

You need to concentrate on rebuilding your M. You will find happiness and love there. If what you had with OW was real, she would not have moved on after such a short time.

You are in what we call a Fog. Having troubles seeing reality for what it is. It will pass, and you will see the truth.

I dont think anyone here would not disagree with you that the OW made you feel special and important. Affairs breed in secrecy and the secrecy adds to the intensity of those feelings.

I wont dare to invalidate your feelings or your perception of them, just try to understand you bred those same feelings in a lake of deceit.. at the expense of your wife/marriage and certainly your own integrity.

Just because you were out of town, that is no excuse for participating in an affair. There are no excuses. Read all you can here , soak it up like a sponge. get into MC.

By the way I am assuming you had a PA..... you have put your wife at risk of some very serious diseases.. if you have not already been tested do so asap. Dont for minute assume they arnt out there because they are and some can kill...

Dino

My wife has already asked!!!

I fell in love with this woman. She reached out to touch my hand and to touch in areas never experienced.

It's over and I understand that she has gone through two marriages, two affairs and there is something wrong!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dinotopia:
<strong>I dont think anyone here would not disagree with you that the OW made you feel special and important. Affairs breed in secrecy and the secrecy adds to the intensity of those feelings.

I wont dare to invalidate your feelings or your perception of them, just try to understand you bred those same feelings in a lake of deceit.. at the expense of your wife/marriage and certainly your own integrity.

Just because you were out of town, that is no excuse for participating in an affair. There are no excuses. Read all you can here , soak it up like a sponge. get into MC.

By the way I am assuming you had a PA..... you have put your wife at risk of some very serious diseases.. if you have not already been tested do so asap. Dont for minute assume they arnt out there because they are and some can kill...

Dino</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I lost something

Your W has already asked what?

RR,
Here are some answer from Harley's ...
How do A begin ?
How should A end ?
How to avoid A ?

You have to let your W start to fillin your ENs, specially that OW fillin !. Read Basic concept then go through Q&A sections. Also read Trueheart letter to WS under my signature.

-rh-

WHY DO I HURT SO MUCH ABOUT THE "LOVER" IN TEXAS???

IS IT BECAUSE I THOUGHT I MEANT SOMETHING TO HER??BECAUSE IT WAS NOT REALITY?? WE EXPERIENCED SO MUCH AND IT SEEMED LIKE A DREAM....

DO ALL AFFAIRS HAVE THIS PATTERN?????

IT STARTS OUT SO PASSIONATE/EXCITING AMD THEN ENDS SO VIOLENTLY???

Welcome to the real world.

by the way are you here willing to rebuild your marriage or are you looking for support for your extra marital affair?

<small>[ March 29, 2003, 05:34 AM: Message edited by: dinotopia ]</small>

I guess a little of both which is selfish.

I guess I am greiving the loss of someone that showed me some much needed attention. It was different than anything I had experienced before. I mean the touch the hand holding as if we were a couple.

Listen, this is all wrong!!! Why did it end so violently?? I mean I lost my job, I tried having her new "lover" fired and I tried getting her in trouble.

WHY DID THIS HAPPEN??????????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess a little of both which is selfish.

I guess I am greiving the loss of someone that showed me some much needed attention. It was different than anything I had experienced before. I mean the touch the hand holding as if we were a couple.

Listen, this is all wrong!!! Why did it end so violently?? I mean I lost my job, I tried having her new "lover" fired and I tried getting her in trouble.

WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?????????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It happened because you crossed boundaries that would have protected you against an A:

1. You accepted her friendship (secret friendship with member of the opposite sex).

2. You confided information about your personal life (developed emotional intimacy).

3. And you were not honest from the beginning with your W regarding this OW (lies and deception).

4. You failed to consider that any person that knowingly involves him/herself with a married person, is not someone worthy of trust. You found out that out the hard way when the OW betrayed you with another man.

Get yourself and your wife into counseling with a marriage saving professional like the Harley's to help taylor a custom marital recovery plan that will not only save your M but make it into a better one than before your A. Also read the Harley books: 'Surviving An Affair'; 'Love Busters'; and 'His Needs Her Needs'.

The importance of following a marital recovery plan can not be overemphasized because if the two of you don't follow one, your M will never heal from your A and the day arrive when it will end in divorce. And also because your wife's self esteem has been so totally devastated by your A, that right now she is extremely vulnerable to fall into an A of her own.

Please get help ASAP.

So, you have been kicked to the curb by your OW just like you did your wife. Bottomline--rejection hurts. What a great insight you now have on how much pain your wife is in from your A...use it wisely to rebuild your marriage. You're lucky she's still there!

P.S. From a bitter old BS's perspective, the ironic twist of events in your story just made my day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong>WHY DID THIS HAPPEN??????????</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I gave you 2x4 ...

WHY ARE YOU HERE ? FIND ANSWER WHY YOUR A ENDED ? OR AMMENDS YOUR W ?.

You are against stats !. As you know only 5% of A will end up in M, and the second one is only 25% of all marriage couples consider themself happy. Probably lower if you count the one lie on the study (out of 2500 couples). And only 50% of all marriage will end up in Dv. So your A will have 5% to have M, 2.5% stay M 'till death, and 1.25% happy in her M. 1.25% vs 25% ... opsh in your case you fell in 95%, failed A!.

You are selfish Son of B$#%@$!TH. What do you think if your W doing this to you? Would you take your W back ? would you tolerate all of your whining about OM ? WOULD YOU ?.

You should be greateful it ends now. In Karma, you just receive bad karma now. You 've inflicted pain in your W and you should ammend your wife before more thing in your life would collapsed further!. You just being warned. I am a Christian and I do beleive that God rocked a bit your world since you have a very wise wife. You need more than 2x4 for this.

-rh-