I am going to try very hard.....to see if I can tell whats going on in my head. Each time I even think about this, everything gets very muddeled, complicated, and the saddness I feel is to much. Just reading everyones stories makes me cry. For me it seems to be better if I just keep very busy,
and never think about the past.
I have been married for 20 years. Get this, our anniversary date is 9-11. If that isn't enough to want to forget a date, then finding out about an affair 4 months before your 20th will.
It had been 18 years since I had worked outside the home. The day before I started my job I received a registered letter addressed to me. The letter was written as if a detective agency had done survelance on a particular address. In short, my husband was having an affair with an ex co-worker. His affair lasted for 2 years. (This hurts me greatly, because it ment just how imperfect our marriage was.)(and me.)
He confessed. He is remorsefull. He is now perfect. Better than ever.

(He is fine. It's over. The OW is fine. It's over. I'm the one left holding the bag.)

The stages that he and I went through were just as described in this web site. In fact I have only had this web site for any guidance since finding out about the affair.

I went through 4 months of the darkest period of my entire life. I can't begin to describe this pain. I don't ever want experience such aggony ever again. It won't happen again. It can't, it won't. Period.

Do I love my husband? Of course I do. You don't spend 20 years with someone and not love them. My problem is......it's just not the same. IM NOT THE SAME. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am not a mother anymore...nor do I want to be. (they are 16 & 19 yrs.) I don't care about family commitments anymore...such as easter dinners with extended family members. I used to have such commpassion for life and others, but now....its like...oh, thats sad. Don't even make me think about plans or duties that are more than a few days ahead. (this has gotten better. It used to be just one day.)

I want my life back. I want who I was. It was part of me.

The only person I ever really ever trusted in life was my husband. Even when I was a young child and someone hurt me mentally, the only way I knew how to defend myself was never to trust that person again and to be very weary of the next person. Each time this happened I became stronger, because....of a wall that was built around me. I didn't become a cold hearted person, remember I was extremely compassionate. Always taking the underdogs side. My favorite line in life is "don't judge a person until you have walked a mile in his shoes." I lived by that moto.

I believe this pain that hit me has push me over the wall. I have talked to only two people about this. The first person I talked to was four months after the A. The next, was probably two more months down the road.

I tried a doctor right after christmas. Went once. That one meeting went o.k., but then...again, I felt deceived, because they really didn't have a weekly spot for me. What that basicly told me about him and his practice was he was more interested in filling his small vacancies and his large pocket book.

I'm sure meds probably would have worked, in the beginning. Its not so bad now. Things have gotten better. I only get depressed when I am P.M.S.ing.

Am I being just a big baby? Am I feeling to sorry for myself? Is it o.k. to try and suppress all my feelings? It has gotten better in doing so. I just don't want this to emplode on me ten years down the line.

By the way...I do love my husband, but if fate should take me in another direction...I guess I might feel..."oh well."

So tell me, you all almighty....where do I stand in this life?

(sorry no time to edit.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I being just a big baby? Am I feeling to sorry for myself? Is it o.k. to try and suppress all my feelings? It has gotten better in doing so. I just don't want this to emplode on me ten years down the line.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H@#% NO.

You have gone thru one of the worst things a human being can ever experience in his/her life, and it will take some time before you start feeling like your old self. I know because I lived thru the pain of my ex-W's multiple A's.

BOTH of you need to implement a marital recovery plan taylor made for your situation from marriage oriented professional counselors like Steve Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers, and Penny Tuppy (from Save Your Marriage Central).

You are not alone, we are all here to help one another.

Where do you stand in this life....well your actually sitting in the driving seat right now. And its really up to you which way you drive it.

Feeling sorry for yourself can be a very destructive force if left unchecked. Its normal after such a betrayal...but.... the why me's in life can have us running around in circles chasing our tails and getting nowhere fast... and the rest of the world will carry on regardless.

I am going to emplore you to find another doctor and do see about anti-d's...even if they are only for a short period, given a few weeks they will help lift that heavey cloud looming over you right now.

As coffeeman wrote to you, you really do need a plan , pro- marriage MC ( the principles here are very good) aswell I would assume some IC for yourself... supressing these feelings you are holding onto right now, will only prove detremental to you/your health and your marriage.

and you know I dont beleive that this pain has pushed you over the wall, your still on that wall..you are posting here..thats a very positive step... there are some very wise souls here.

And no you're not the same, but hopefully, you will come out the other end of this tunnel , a much stronger and much more compassionate person then ever before. Hang in there. We all care here.

Hey go give your kids a hug. I am sure they just as you can do with a one.

Take care

dino

Dear Neverthesame,

It is possible that you might be dealing with some childhood issues of your own. You mentioned that when someone hurt you mentally in childhood you would build up a wall. Sometimes these walls keep us from truly feeling the love around us. We think that they are just keeping out the bad feelings, but they can be keeping out the good ones too. I just found an interesting book on this subject called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It's an older book, but still very relevant today and it has ANSWERS in it and exercises to increase your communication in the marriage and help you feel loved and understood.

You sound truly depressed. You should not have to shoulder that alone. You might be going through post traumatic stress syndrome. Do find another doctor for yourself and let them know how down you are and that the things that made you happy in life don't hold your interest any longer. Some medication might just be the answer. I went on Zoloft after a difficult life transition about 3 years ago. I was only on it for about 4 months, but at the time it was a godsend! I haven't needed it to deal with the affairs yet, but I would if I needed to in a heartbeat!

If you didn't deal with the anger you had after you H had the A then it could be stagnating inside of you. If so, it needs to come out, but you probably feel terrible about that because everyone else involved seems "over it". Let it out...it will help to heal your heart. I didn't deal with my anger during my H's first A and I know now that it was a big mistake.

I'm so sorry for your pain....hope you are feeling better soon!

Stillwed

<small>[ March 30, 2003, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: stillwed ]</small>

Thank you all for your responses.

I was not able to write back until today. After I posted on Saturday, and carefully deleted (or so I thought) everything out of history files and internet files, I had decided that I better tell my husband what I was doing and to ask him for my privacy on this one issue. Well, when I got home shopping with my daughter and checked the computer H had been home long enough to discover and read my post. I was shocked. I explained how this made me feel and that how I needed to talk with others just like me. He was ashamed and told me that he would never read my posts again. This morning he surprised me with a book titled "Surviving Infidelity". Again he tells me how sorry he is for all the pain I am feeling, and that he hopes that this will help. He also told me Saturday that he was glad I went to this web site. After today I will log off and never return as neverthesame-again. Even with his promise (to me anyway) the temptation would be to great. I am sure this is just paranoia on my part, but I just want to be sure of my privacy.

To: TooMuchCoffeeMan,
I loved your response. Very direct and to the point. I did go into Save your Marriage Central, and read two articles. I saved them, and wondered if my H should read them also.

To: dino,
I'm not sure what pro-marriage MC is just yet. I haven't had time to search this whole site. Yesterday before going to work, I had a chance to talk with a woman whose H cheated on her four years ago. I was shocked when she told me she still thinks about it every day. BUT, she did give me the name of a therapist that she and her husband both liked. So, I will try and give Him a call.

To: stillweed,
My childhood issues, I am not afraid of. How we are molded in life and how we turn out is just who we are. I understand my issues of my past and I am not ashamed of any of them. Yes, I feel love, or did anyway, until A. I will look for your suggested reading, it sounds helpful.

To All:
Yes, my guess would be that I am depressed. I am confused with this because I am happy on the outside 90 percent of the time. But yet, my insides are different 100% of the time.
Here is a brief picture of all the bad in my life. (mixed with many joys.)
Five pregnancies in three and a half years. (my doctor should be shot.) I believe my hormones took forever to return to normal. Two were early loses. My fourth was buried. We were never informed that this was a possibility. Never, wanting to be pregnant again, God graced me with a beautiful little girl.
Fast forward to teenage years and what caused distance in marriage.
Oldest daughter was diagnosed with juvenial diabetes as she enters high school. She can't deal with this very well, or a mother trying to teach her how to care for herself. Because of her sudden weight gain she became bulimic. She becomes depressed, stops taking insulin, and wants to kill herself. She doesn't know how to deal with all her stress, so she cuts herself to alleviate this pain. Got her into therapy, along with all the other specialists she was seeing. Watched my brother-in-law die of cancer. Watched my Aunt die of cancer. Helped my baby sister through her tough times when she discovered her H was cheating on her.
Then simultaneously, my H goes back and gets his masters at night for two years. All of this happened with in a two year period. The stress was horrible.
Just when things get better, they got worse. But each time we always pulled through as a family. When things were getting what I thought were better than ever with my husband, the other woman sends me that letter. (yes, it was her. her last effort in trying to drive me from our home. After all who could live with something like that.) She loved him, he told her that he would never leave me or his girls, so she tries to make me leave.
I will call the doctor. I just hope he is good.

neverthesame,

I so badly want to add something positive here...and her it is: you are an honorable person. Bank on that. Repeat it.

I have lived through my wife's affairs...TWICE...she did it again after I took her back from her first year long dally into the world of immorality, with multiple men...one of which got her pregnant. Her second affair was taking place during the time we found out my baby brother had brain cancer...the outlook was grim...she was rarely supportive to me...I couldn't figure out why...then I found out about her affair.

Like your coworker...I think about it everyday. It is life's greatest tragedy short of death. Your emotions are very NORMAL...I only wish I could tell you that they go away. For me...they never have.

Surround yourself with good people...read the Bible...pray to God...I am so sorry you're going through all of this!!!

I for one don't blame adultery on what "I wasn't doing in the marriage"...I think it is a choice of a person who lacks character...maybe that is why Harley's principles haven't worked to perfection for me...I refuse to blame myself for such filthy acts. YOU are not the cause!!!!