I'm in the Air Force and stationed on the North Pole. I've been here for 10 months. I went home on vacation and after a week of good times was told that she didn't know if she was coming with me to the next assignment. After a day of talking about it--she told me there was someone else. I freaked out and left. We argued for three days and finally both agreed to see a counselor. She insisted that the relationship was never sexual and that she wanted to work things out with me. She said it never would have happened if I wasn’t gone. She is in the AF too and so is the other person. The relationship had been going on for at least 3 months. Upon advice from the counselor she had a no-contact order placed on the other person--a military order instructing the other person to have no contact with her. We have had a happy 10-year marriage and a four year old little girl. While I was still there she was nice to me and did things to show that she cared for me. Although she says she still has feelings for the other person? She does things to show that she cares for me--but never says anything to that effect unless I ask her. I have always trusted her completely and I thought we really had something special. She has never told me the whole story and I have found new lies since we started the counseling. Anytime I try to talk about any of it--she gets mad. She wants to pretend nothing ever happened. Now I'm back on the North Pole and sick as a dog. I think she is doing the absolute minimum to make things work--but she is making an effort. I can't help but believe she is only doing it for my little girl's sake and I feel second best in her feelings. When I talk to her about it--she doesn't make an effort to convince me otherwise. Its like she is sending me a message that she will stay with me unhappily for the sake of the family-when in fact she would rather be with the other person. I could never imagine being with someone else and I want to forgive her and end up with a happier marriage.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting her to show me more re-assurance?

Her actions show that she wants to be with me. But the subtleties seem otherwise as well as her words.

What should I do? Resolve to never know the details of the relationship for the sake of keeping the peace?

Hi Welcome,

Weekends are usually slow here. It picks up during the week.

I don't have much time, otherwise I would respond better. I gotta go. Just wanted to extend a welcome

Hi there,
I believe you can get some answers here, but I am sorry that you need to be here.

First let me say that though it doesn't help your pain, many others have been where you are and have come through it and done well. You can find out what you need to know, and you can recover your marriage.

Let me answer your two questions directly and then give you some general links to information.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting her to show me more re-assurance?
No, you are not wrong. Problem is she feels guilty and so, not understanding what is necessarry she wants to avoid the guilty feelings by not discussing it.

Her actions show that she wants to be with me. But the subtleties seem otherwise as well as her words.
I don't know how much you have read here on the MB site, but there is alot going on in her mind. It's not as easy as we think for her to put things back together. You are the one that has sufered the most wrong, but she needs the most help because of her guilt. She is going through withdrawl from an addiction. Have you ever watched a smoker do this? They want to quit badly but it has great power over them. If she says she wants to recover the marriage, it is probably true, but she will need help and suport and there will be times when it looks like she is faking it. That is the nature of what has happened, it's not about you or about her.

What should I do? Resolve to never know the details of the relationship for the sake of keeping the peace?

Both of you have a lot to learn. Probably you will get the details in time. I recommed you start here:

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Be nice to her. Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have her like you, and reconcile with you if you are nice to her.

3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that somnetimes things are slow, don't be alamred if you don't get quick responses to questions.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and W if she will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

6. We are just a support group, not counslers. You really should get counseling.

Hope this helps some.

SS