Hi there,
I believe you can get some answers here, but I am sorry that you need to be here.
First let me say that though it doesn't help your pain, many others have been where you are and have come through it and done well. You can find out what you need to know, and you can recover your marriage.
Let me answer your two questions directly and then give you some general links to information.
Am I being unreasonable in wanting her to show me more re-assurance?
No, you are not wrong. Problem is she feels guilty and so, not understanding what is necessarry she wants to avoid the guilty feelings by not discussing it.
Her actions show that she wants to be with me. But the subtleties seem otherwise as well as her words.
I don't know how much you have read here on the MB site, but there is alot going on in her mind. It's not as easy as we think for her to put things back together. You are the one that has sufered the most wrong, but she needs the most help because of her guilt. She is going through withdrawl from an addiction. Have you ever watched a smoker do this? They want to quit badly but it has great power over them. If she says she wants to recover the marriage, it is probably true, but she will need help and suport and there will be times when it looks like she is faking it. That is the nature of what has happened, it's not about you or about her.
What should I do? Resolve to never know the details of the relationship for the sake of keeping the peace?
Both of you have a lot to learn. Probably you will get the details in time. I recommed you start here:
1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.
2. Be nice to her. Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have her like you, and reconcile with you if you are nice to her.
3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.
4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that somnetimes things are slow, don't be alamred if you don't get quick responses to questions.
5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and W if she will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.
6. We are just a support group, not counslers. You really should get counseling.
Hope this helps some.
SS