Welcome, fernclif. Sorry you're here, but this is a special place where you can learn to fix your marriage problems.
So much of your description is right from the affair text book. Take some comfort in that. You're normal. And he's playing the typical WS role. This means all the info you'll read here applies to you both.
My first specific advice to you is to forget about trying to figure out what this other woman wants or why she wants it. She is not worth your energy. Your problem is your husband and you should be trying to determine why he so easily took the bait. In other words, what did she provide that he wasn't getting from you? This does not mean that you caused the affair, just that affairs usually occur because of unmet needs.
Think back a few years:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ferncliff:
<strong>One time 20 years ago the thought crossed my mind to have an affair myself. He always stayed so wrapped up in his work .. was gone out of town a good bit and really never really showed me the type of affection that he does now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Using your own experience, your admitted temptation was generated by unmet needs - your need for companionship and affection. If your H's needs were being met, her bait would not have worked. Again, you did not hold a gun to his head and force him to betray you. His decision to taste the bait was entirely his. Afterall, you didn't take the bait 20 years ago, right? You were in the same marriage, right? His decision was 100% his.
But this defines what you need to do: figure out what needs weren't being met. I'll bet some of yours weren't being met by him either, right?
Browse around here and read everything you can about Plan A. This is your homework assignment. Read, read, read.
Please consider consulting your doctor about depression. This is VERY common among BSs and you describe the symptoms. You cannot become an improved fernclif if you're depressed. Antidepressant meds may help.
Do not bother trying to figure out what motivated your H to "do this." Just accept that it was due to unmet needs and his selfishness. Besides, fixing the unmet needs is the only thing within your power to do - other than starting divorce, which I don't believe either of you want.
It's unfortunate that they work together. Ideally, a solution would include some change in the working environment that would foster no contact. But given the likely opportunistic behavior of OW, she may simply move on to an easier target if your H can take a stand. But bottom line, he will HAVE to clearly end this with her. Period. Your marriage cannot improve with her in the picture.
Another part of your homework assignment is to purchase and read two books: Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Willard Harley and available from the bookstore section of this site. As you read, post questions that apply to your specific situation. But I'll predict you'll see yourself in these books and most of your questions will be answer without asking here.
Please consider getting into counseling. Seek out a counselor that is versed in fixing marriages - not just preparing for whatever their clients think they want.
Your situation is FAR from terminal. As you read here, most situations are far worse. Good luck.
