My first time here for help.

I hope that I am not being too explicit, but there is no other way to describe my problem.

I just found our about 3 OM with whom my wife has had affairs over the last few years.

Also that one of them might actually be the father of my son - more than likely as at the time we did not have relations that often (only once around conception date, because I was away, where she was apparently with OM most days and having sex many times during each meeting)

Devastated by the broken trust, lies, cheating etc., and the embarrassment that I did not believe people when they told me ... believed her reasons for staying out all night with a sick friend etc.

I asked her why she did it and she has told me that the first time with each OM she was drunk. Later she told me that sex was so good with these men that she carried the A's on, even though she knew they were just using her.

I asked her what I was/am doing/not doing that she needs sex elsewhere, pushing her for details.

We were very active for many years (married 15) but she has not really been interested in me for a long time .. making love only when drunk or if I have been away (even though one OM was with her the night before and after i came home)

She tells me that most of them could do it 3-4 times in a row and this was great. It is a long time since we did this as she usually rolls over to sleep after once.

She has always made excuses for repeat performances ... "tired, early start for work, sore, sex was so good that she cannot manage any more etc." Initially she would sleep and wake me for more or the following morning.

She always has orgasms when we have sex and assures me that they have always been genuine.

I asked her about my size ... she has always complimented me on my performance, telling me that size is not important and what you actually do with it is.

She told me that all the OM were considerably bigger than me, but when I asked her if this was why she has gone off sex with me she would not answer.

I asked her if there were any new things she had done and gave her the opportunity to tell me ... better to get hurt now and try to change than lose her to yet another man.

She says that she will not do it again but I am worried that as she will not tell me how to satisfy her, she will stray again.

We had sex a few nights ago and she said that she was sore and could not do it again - this caused a row ("you didn't say no to them, if he was here you would go all night etc.") and she is now completely rejecting me.

I have known women in the past who say size is not important and then say "the hell it is !"

I have asked her if it is the excitement of affairs, if we can do anything to change things etc., but no answer.

As I told her, if I am now too small for her there is nothing I can do, but at least she could eliminate this fear so that I can try other things to help her.

No answer.

I know that she has used sex toys when I am not home and wonder if this was the start of her "big desires".

She told me at the start of our relationship that I was perfect for her as she had tried sex with well-endowed men and it was painful and unexciting ... much preferred the gentle touch.

I know the latest OM and have warned him off, threatening to tell his wife. My wife tells me that it is over and she stays in now so she is probably telling the truth.

Am I wasting my time trying to mend our marriage if I cannot satisfay her now that she has had better ?
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I think you are focusing too much on sex. Especially the size thing. It sounds to me like she is manipulating you about it.

1. She is still with you after all these years

2. She is probably enjoying all the attention you are giving to her about this.

My advice to you is to toughen up and stop bringing that issue up. She is lying to you when she says:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She tells me that most of them could do it 3-4 times in a row and this was great. It is a long time since we did this as she usually rolls over to sleep after once.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It really sounds like she really likes the attention that telling you about this stuff gets her. You should see a IC or a MC.

One thing is for sure, if she is seeing people right now and wont stop, you need to put your foot down. Don't let her "have her cake and eat it too!" She is taking from you and not giving back. She would probably be very surprised to see you cut her off from all your attention and 15 years of support. She needs a wake-up call.

Sometimes with women, it is neccessary to show them you are strong. Don't quiz her about the sex stuff and don't settle for her doing whatever she wants.

I feel for ya buddy, I'm experiencing marital difficulties myself, and I've learned that sometimes you have to make yourself be strong.

Be strong.

If everything your WW is telling you is true, it sounds to me like she has a sex addiction which needs to be addressed. I also agree with DSCS3 that she likes to manipulate you and enjoys telling you about her exploits. He is right about the frequency thing also, unless she is dating 17 years olds.

Stop thinking about the content of what she is saying and try to figure out why she is saying it.
Michael

What an awful story and how disrespecting and humiliating your wife is toward you. The following would be my thoughts:
1. Make sure you and your wife get tested for STD's.
2. Contact any and all of the OM's wifes and inform them.
3. Have a paternity test taken on your son.
4. Contact a lawyer to understand your legal rights and obligations.
5. Ask yourself why you wish to stay in this marriage with this person.
6. If the answer is yes then get into marriage counseling.
7. Ask yourself again if you wish to spend the rest of your life with this person and if you could do it again would you still marry her?

You are allowing her to destroy what is left of your self esteem. What is important is whether you want to stay married to this woman and whether she is remorseful and is working her butt off to show you that you are the man that she wants to grow old with. If she is humiliating you and making you feel less than a man than what she is doing is emotionally abusing you. What you need to believe is that the biggest aphrodiaiac is the mind not the size of the penis or boobs. Your wife and men who she was involved with were turned on by the sleazy nature of the affair. It was the cheating and knowing that she was making a fool of you that turned your wife on. My advice is to focus on yourself and do what makes you happy.Go and see a therapist to help you to get back your self esteem. If you are overweight join a gym. Buy a new wardrobe. Join a karate class and/or learn how to do ballroom dancing. Go back to school and earn a degree in an area that you are interested. The question that you will need to decide is whether you want to invest more years of your life staying with this woman or move on.

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: tomaz ]</small>

My heart bleeds for you.

You're being abused. All of this "penis" talk is just a ruse to hurt you...laugh at it.

Women who are in love don't give a rip about penis size...they give a rip about being loved. Your wife hates herself to live such a gross life...she can't possibley give you the love you deserve until she gets personal therapy...

I have lived through the same thing...do you have kids?

I am a woman. Your wife is lying to you. One thing for sure, it is not your fault she has made bad choices. They are hers and she owns them. Penis size is pretty irrelevent. 3 & 4 times in a row? Please. I know where you are coming from though, when I found out about my H's A, I was sure it had a lot to do with my small boobs. I don't think that anymore, it's just part of the crazy painful process we go through.

There may have been problems in your marriage, there usually are BUT that doesn't give anybody the right to be unfaithful, it obligates them to turn to their spouse to work out said problems. Don't try to blame yourself. You have been hurt in a profound way. I think you should look at the Plan A, Plan B sections of this web site and handle her differently. When she is ready to accept responsibility for what she has done, you will be in a good position to work on the marriage. Remember, you were in the same imperfect marriage and you didn't run out and cheat.

Again, the reasons you were wondering about are implausable. You are still the same worthy person you were before this terrible time, don't measure yourself by this crazy ruler. Keep your head up and remember the good person you are. You are not dragged down because of her miserable choices. If possible get marriage counselling, or at least see a counsellor to get you through this extremely rough time.

Good luck, you are unfortunately, not at all alone.