My H has been having an affair he says for about 6 months. I still think it is longer. He has totally cleaned out all his papers, secrete boxes in his drawers etc. He has been affectionate over the last two days. We are awaiting counselling on Monday. He does not want to discuss anything lest we start an arguement and say things we might regret.

My problem is the trust thing still. He says he has a meeting after work tonight with a business associate. He told me the company name and the person he was going to see. He also told me that on Thursday he had to go to a function at work and then he was going to see a friend who is laid up with a broken leg.

I have a strong desire to follow him, park outside these establishments and ensure his whereabouts. Am I setting my self up for trouble. I have given him lots of room to help him"figure out his brain" all week. I feel like the ball is totally in his court and he can chose to stay or continue the affair. He says he has told the person that I know. He however will not discuss the issue further. He is away on business next week and then the week after. How do I stop from going completely crazy while he is away??

Any suggestions.

How did you find out about the A? Do you know who the OW is? How long have you been M? Do you have kids? What type of H was he pre A? Has he expressed remorse, show guilt? Has he told you why he had the A?

I personally would not be able to handle him saying I can't talk to you about this until we go to counseling...who is he to make these decisions? You have rights too?

I did follow my H, checked his cell phone, checked call logs at home, checked email..even told him if I ever felt my alarms going off again..I'd hire a PI and get listening devices.

There was only a period of a few weeks that I didn't trust him to keep NC in force. After dday he made his life an open book...never gets upset when I check up on him...lets me know where he is every minute...when I go away on business he goes with me, etc.

I would go with your gut...a BS's gut is rarely wrong. If you feel the need to follow him, follow him. Is he willing to cancel his business trips or take you with him?

My H was willing to do anything to make me feel safe again.

You can also post on General Questions Board or In Recovery...they get a lot more traffic then this one.

Best Wishes!

Thanks for your reply - I found out about the affair with my gut instinct. I then did my own detective work, legal or not, the internet is a great tool to access credit card accounts. I still cannot access his phone or his little blackberry emailer thing. A red flag went up when his AMEX bill and Cell bill were re-routed to his place of employment. I still paid the bills, he just told me how much they were (Makes me angry thinking about it). I then started going through his things, checking flight schedules etc. I accumulated and confronted numerous times (without letting him know how much I knew). He reassurred me he was not having an affair, even up until d-day. He denied it twice. I finally threw a hotel receipt at him and he said he did not know where it was from. I then told him I knew about the jewelery recepit he had in his wallet and other things. He just sat there and said finally that he had been having an affair. He said that our marriage had problems, my lack of affection, etc.

He has a high powered job that takes him away alot. I work from home in order to ensure our one child has a stable life. She is 14. They have a close relationship. This would devestate her, as it has me. The only thing I though my H and I was mutual trust. I was never jelous of his female friendships and totally felt safe with him. What an idiot I was. He has been extremely nice, caring to me for the last six months. Our sex life has been sparse, he usually bugged me for sex but stopped. He was too tired now. I found Viagara in his brief case, tablets missing, we never had sex.

I asked him if he was relieved that I finally found out. He said yes. He says what he did was wrong. We have an appointment on Monday. I have started some reading lots. I really want our marriage to work but I will not be a door mat for anyone. I know he has issues with his own upbringing (parents divorced, along with his brothers).

Anyway, as far as him cancelling his trips for business, it is impossible without him loosing his job. He is opening a new store in different parts of the country all the time. I have to work and therefore cannot go with him. I am suggesting though that we take a weekend soon to go away, without our daughter. He even suggested early in March that we book a holiday to Mexico or Domincan. I think he was feeling very guilty. He also took two days off work last week stating he was not feelin well. I found semen stains in his underwear the day before and he was out of town. I also found a very suggestive note written by the OW and told him about that on d-day. I guess he was feeling really guilty before I even confronted him.

As for him not talking about the issue right now, he is right in way. I am sooooo angry could spit. I do not want to bring up old issues that will get us no where. Anyway he is showing affection by kissing me good bye in the am, *I am still sleeping - pretending.

However, I have the urge to follow him on Thursday for his work related dinner. I would also like to know if anyone knows how to use a small tape recorder in a car to come on and off at specific times, I could go this route too.

Any advice??

Hello again - hope I'm not making a nuisance of myself, but I have been re-reading all your threads whilst having a cup of coffee in the garden, and couldn't believe how similar our situations are - I hadn't read this message of yours before, but wanted to respond immediately after seeing the confusion you are in about whether to keep a track of your husband's whereabouts.

You ask, 'Am I storing up trouble for myself?' by following him, checking his underwear, installing a tape recorder in the car and so on. We are all different on this issue Stated, but more to the point, we are different as regards what stage we are at in our grief. You seem to need to find something out - I was just like this at first, and I searched through all my husband's pockets, his wallet, his phone messages, his emails, and everything, desperate to find more and more proof of his affair - quite for what reason, I don't know. I never benefitted from it in the slightest, but just put myself through more agony. However, if you feel you really need to find out things to give you some peace of mind, I suggest you follow your instincts. You certainly don't need to have any guilt at tracking down your husband's whereabouts - he is the one who has made you feel you have to do this, and you have every right to if that is what you want to do. A straying husband makes us betrayed wives literally paranoid - but that is their fault, not ours.

I think what we are trying to do in a way is become 'involved' in a part of our husband's life from which we feel totally excluded. My husband, like yours, used to work away a lot, and we were apart regularly, but in a way, I was always 'with' him, because we phoned each other regularly, I knew what hotels he was staying in, which town and everything. I knew his work colleagues, what job he was on and wasn't excluded from anything. But when our husband is having an affair, there suddenly becomes an area of their lives from which we are completely shut out - and it is terrifying. It feels like being out in a dark, swirling sea with no land on the horizon, no anchor or lifejacket to keep us from sinking, no rocks to cling to. So I think part of us, although we are petrified of 'knowing' anything about our husband's OW, has this need to know to stop us from feeling so adrift and so alone.

Also, I suppose, we are desperately hoping we may find out that our husband wasn't really with his OW at a particular time when we thought he was, or that we will find his underpants unstained next time we look. I know I did. I also think our pain is so immense, so much part of us, that it feels almost like a living entity, a real, live companion, and we need to feed it to keep it alive. In a way, strong grief - and particularly rage - are healthy, and keep you from going crazy. The problem starts when the depression phase sets in (which it did with me about six or seven weeks after D-Day). I now seem to fluctuate between spells of deep, deep depression, when nothing at all seems to matter and when I have no desire at all to know anything about my husband's affair, and bursts of incredibly energetic anger and grief, which sets off an insane need to get a private detective following her every move. I haven't resorted to this yet, but who knows?

Part of me wants to hit back at my husband in a financial way, because of the anger I feel when I see the amount of money he has taken from OUR joint account to finance his adultery. Can you believe, he told me we would have to take our daughter out of a private health insurance policy because we couldn't afford it - and yet he is spending goodness knows what on presents, wine and food for HER, clothes to keep at her house, days out in the country, holiday cottages, about £50 ($80?) a month on mobile phone bills, petrol to her house etc. etc. etc. And yet, we can't afford to pay for our daughter to have good health care??! Is it any wonder we get angry?

You are very lucky that your husband's OW lives in another country! Mine lives just in the next town - about four miles away - so he is able to go over there about three times a week. He also texts and IMs her throughout the day, and it feels as if she is a part of our home, an alien who is present at every meal, who is violating our marriage, and all we have ever had together. Hardly surprising we feel unable to make love any more.

Stated, email me soon then I can send you some of what I have written as an attachment. I got so frustrated when reading your messages as I really wanted to help you.

And keep strong. These early days and weeks are hell, but things DO get better (slightly!) Tell yourself that at least your husband is still coming home to you, and not to his OW. (It might help at nights to do what I do - I slam our bedroom door as though SHE is out on the landing and say, 'No, you *****, you can't come in here. This is where me and MY HUSBAND sleep. Childish I know, but it helps!!

I believe you will come through this. Will pray for you.

God Bless,
Stilltrusting