PLEASE, PLEASE, I know this is long but I so want and need and appreciate your comments so please bear with me...

Hi, I am new here. I am 47 years old and would really appreciate others' perspectives on my "can't live with him; can't live without him" situation. A little history first: I married as a teenager in a very abusive marriage (physical battery/emotional cruelty and affairs by him). My husband was gone a great deal so it took a lot including 10 years for me to divorce him. I remarried rather quickly to a real sweet man, under pressure by him and after finding out I was pregnant for my 3rd child (who is now 17). Unfortunately, that sweet man was immature, irresponsible with money, had addiction problems (drugs/alcaholism) and thus separated from him after a few years. I divorced him after years of him not quitting the drinking/irresponsible behavior (did not 'show up' as a dad in any way, for example and then conceived a child with someone else.)

I decided I needed to take a serious look at myself. Obviously I was doing something wrong. I was the epitome of trying to be the "perfect wife" who believed making her husband happy was my #1 goal and that would inspire him in turn to want to make his wife happy. I had two marriages to persons to whom the more I did to cater and care for them the more they took, abused, were irresponsible, etc. and the worse it got. I figured my biggest mistake was selecting the wrong partner in both these cases.

I dated a little and then decided focusing on my kids was my number one priority since they only had one parent (me) in their lives and I was working, going to school, and parenting. No time for romance and "not ready." So, I gave up dating completely for over 8 years though I am an attractive woman. I really wanted to wait for "right time, right man" and be "clean" and ready in heart, body, soul.

Four years ago, I started dating. Met lots of people through dating services --once. Met one with whom we both really sparked and my current relationship started then. I can't describe how strange it was ... emotions and feelings all over that I had not felt in so long and a lack of confidence in my own judgement or whether or not my feelings "normal". I worked through for the first time some memories of child hood abuses and such and wanted to "go slow" with my honey. He did and said all the right, romantic, timely things and somewhat pulled/pushed us along most of the time.

The odd thing however is the frequency in which he would withdraw (and still does) considering he was also the one aggressively pursuing. I realize now after four years how often it is more than a need for a little time alone, but that he is extremeley immature/short tempered and will often 'walks out' or kick me out ... punishment/poutiness after getting terribly hurtful and insulting and create (yes, create) fights over the damnest things. He sees these as defusing but the frequency and extremeness of them is much deeper than that.

In some ways, he seems like Jeckyll and Hyde... regional sales manager and good at it. You have all met Mr Charisma, that's him. We have a staggering number of commonalities and enjoy much with each other. We have had more romance and 'simple pleasures'in a few years than many have in decades together. Have for the last four years. Sort of. Six days a week of happiness and one where he flips and creates pure hell which could last an afternoon or several days to a week of stone silence rejection, coldness, etc.

He gets an amazing amount of my time and attention, daily thoughtfulnesses but these spurts are almost always something to the effect of 'not stepping up' enough for him. Odd how he is the only one who doesn't think he is beating treated as a top priority. My family and friends no longer approve of him for me since I almost never now make a decision to be with any of them and then much rarer than before without first checking to be available for him, and they have seen too much heartache caused by him. They call him controlling and immature. They also find him highly entertaining, charming at other times and understand my (is this love/addiction?) attachment. One of a million little examples: I've had him not call me for two days (pouting), me call and invite him to meet in two hours at our favorite happy hour and then share a nice evening together, him say yes, and then him get mad and cancel because I am not available to meet a half hour sooner. He does a lot of this kind of 'crazy-making' behavior such that I find I am walking on eggshells, often trying to anticipate what will get his approval, or at least not make him angry.

Anyhow, it has been over two years since he proposed to me. I told him that I loved him to death but we had to solve first this pattern of regular angry/demaning outbursts by him, silence, followed by usually me making some friendly contact and us going on as if it didn't happen, and it happening again. It took a while but he finally admitted to "impatience" (he never admits to getting angry though I don't know anyone who throws raging fits or stoney bandonments like him) being a big problem.

He has been perpetually obsessed with saying most of our problems are that we live in two households (12 miles apart). We spend five nights a week together and most of weekend time. I juggle a house and yard, kid at home, grandchild, grown kids, full time split-shift work, etc. while he has a 8-5 job and apartment and his kids are out of state with very rare visits. When we have a home cooked meal (a few nights a week), I am the one cooking it here. He does his laundry here, he gets regular back massages (back problems), etc... you get the picture.

I actually think the current arrangement is pretty good while he is groslly unhappy and what's marriage. I am even-tempered and have a rather cozy stable home environment and honestly feel that the only way we stay together is in fact that he leaves or stays away when he is surly, etc. with me. Of course I'd rather live in one home together ... I love him to death ... but I don't know any way to change how he fights and is so short-tempered and stormy when he is like that. I'm afraid I/we can't live with it 24/7. And why should I? My relationships are naturally harmonious; he seems to have ins and outs with his kids, siblings, parents as something "normal," even if that means they angrily don't talk to each other for months on end.

Add to all this is the issue of honesty and fidelity. I found myself doing something even I detest... reading his email (he did not know I had his password). I discovered several times during our relationship he put singles ads online. He never met with anyone that I could tell but he put ads up and searched ads usually as a 'knee jerk' reaction to when he was pouting or mad at me. I was grieving over my dying brother a little over a year ago, whom he didn't even know, and he was so pushy (about telling me to "pull the plug" his opinion as better for all of us) that I finally broke up with him because I needed either quiet support or him to back away. While phoning, emailing, begging me to come back he also put up singles ads, etc. A few weeks later, we got back together and THEN I found out he lied to me (when I asked if he'd dated anyone during those few weeks) because a woman showed up at his house demanding to know why suddenly 'disappeared.' He totally lied to me about all of it. I got her name off her phone caller id called her and found out in a matter of a few short weeks, he had aggressively picked her up, taken her out to all our "regular" places (where we are recognized as a couple), lied to her about me and his past, etc, had seen her once even AFTER we got back together and then dropped out of site on her when he was with me again. So I called the woman he dated before he and I met and found out he lied to me entirely about that relationship. I was the OTHER WOMAN and didn't know it our first six months together. She said he never said "I lover you" or proposed during their year+ together, (not deep as ours) but it was supposedly a monogamous relationship and she then found out he ran singles ads, and figured out that he was seeing me and so on.

I broke if off with him again after realizing the lies, and after much begging, crying, etc. we met with a counselor at our church (once). I decided to give it another chance. The last year has been tryng to rebuild trust and focus on good.

My son graduates and goes to college in a few months. Honey has given me the ultimatum to marry or its over.

Oh, I have had one employer for 15 years; another for 6 while he has changed jobs five times since we met. Still earns at least twice what I do yet I also spend money on dating, romancing, etc. I have no debt, own a modest home, cars, a little land in the south, a few small investments. He rents a beach apartment, drives an older car, has $45000 debt for child support and medical bills related to times when either had back surgery a few years ago or unemployed. It is not a matter of money though I am concerned over protecting myself, my assets, my kids (still one to put through colege).

In other words, I am in better health physically, financially, and expect being literally 'crazy over him' emotionally.

CAN it really get better AFTER marriage??? His temperament in particular, communication...?

I really love this man. I am 'emotionally stuck". I don't want it to end but don't want to marry with it like this. We are not married yet so I am seriously searching for help NOW and making the right decisions now. I haven't said definitely yes though that deadline date is coming fast. I live in Southern California, San Diego area ... any good couples programs/weekends and such out here that he and I could attend perhaps? I think if he could learn to control his angrer and settle conflicts maturely/kindly it would make an all the difference.

To be honest, I am still trying to figure out if his 'bad side' is a matter of character, behavior, or psychological health.

HE HAS GIVEN ME AN ULTIMATUM AND A DEADLINE. We met nearly four years ago so I suppose I can't disagree with his right to want marriage or the end ... even though I would have already married him if the former weren't true.

Thank you so much!!!!!!!! I look forward to any and all replies. I wish you all happiness.

ps. In the paragraph where I mentioned honey telling me to 'pull the plug' when my brother was dying ... honey meant to pull my brother's life support. Honey was pushing for marriage at that time too. I told him we hoped to organ donations, which my brother would have wanted, but in the little time he was around he none-the-less gave me more pressure during that time than support. Soooo, I pulled the plug on him and I. I thought it was our final straw but we got back together less than a month later.

Hi insidenout,

My first reaction is that he is very selfish and you should run as far and fast as you can.

That is not very nice and I don't know him as well as you do so I read again and perhaps I can tell you what it looks like to me.

The easiest thing for you to do may be to wait a week and read your own post. It paints a picture of a man that lets you do everything for him when at the same time he does little for you. Usually after marriage it gets worse and what was at least a little effort ( on his part) goes to zero.

You have very different value systems. He spends more than he makes, you are careful and save.

Life is sacred to you, he cares mostly about himself and how things affect him, not about others. I would suspect he does things mostly for what it gets him back, not for any desire to please you.

I wish I could find more good to say but I believe you can do much better.

Just so you know, I am 47 years old, married for 26 years (still married) and male. I think you can do better.

I suspect both of you are lonely and you find him good company much of the time. To me, being married is more than often having fun together. It is a sharing of values, beliefs and hearts. You will have a hard time continuing to give your heart to a man that does not treat you as a lady should be treated. You already know that or you wouldn't be here asking.

Please be careful with your feelings and do what is best for your long term happiness. Don't go for the short term.

SS

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Insideout,

To a disinterested outsider who is considerably older than you, it seems to me this is a no brainer and you know it. I know you know it because you have putting on hold for two years getting married. If this was the right man, you would be married now.

Further, since you get along well with your family and they don't care for his behavior, that is a huge warning sign. You see if you get along with your family, they can often see what is good or not good for you. They see what you do, and it is not leading to marriage.

Insideout, don't even think about marrying this man. You are still young (yes 47 is young) and there are better men out there. Maybe not as flashy, or even well fixed financially, but they are better grounded and someone you can love.

When it is right you will know it. You won't have to work to make him happy. You know why? Because he will be happy to be around you. He won't have to work to make you happy either.

You have said enough to know that YOU KNOW that the answer is NO to this future marriage.

Have faith in yourself and let this one go.

God Bless,

JL