Yes, lefty I DO think a 34 year marriage is worth fighting for. Your husband is indeed lying through his teeth, but so are ALL cheating husbands - mine included. Have you read any of Dr. Harley's articles about betraying spouses? How they are temporarily insane, that they exist in a fantasy land of deceit, secrets and betrayal and that they are actually addicts - as addicted to their OW/affair as a cocaine addict is to drugs or a cigarette smoker to nicotine? Like all addicts, they will lie, deceive and betray to ensure they can keep the thing to which they are addicted - in this case, their OW. And from what you say, your husband is still involved with her, and has not cut off all contact with her.
But this does not mean he LOVES his OW, or that he does not love you. All straying spouses start to question whether they love - or have ever loved - their wives; because they are comparing the juvenile fantasy and high of an unreal relationship with the real, committed love in their marriage, which does not make them 'feel' so good. A man involved in an affair feels like a teenager again - this is what he wants - to be free of responsibility, to be dating, courting, living it up, exchanging passionate and 'intimate' emails and phone messages, to have his ego boosted, and his senses heightened. It 'feels' wonderful - but it does not last. It is shallow, transient, meaningless and utterly immature. If your husband moved in with his bit on the side for six months, the relationship would end in disaster. Have you read Frank Pittmann's 'Private Lies'? (I recommend it highly). In that book, he tells of a man who had been married almost as long as you have, who ditches his wife to move in with his OW. After just a few weeks together, the OW changes, now she has got her man. She starts giving him a really hard time, arguing with him, nagging him - all the things he thought he wouldn't get from her. One night the couple were in bed and the woman was nagging the man like crazy. He couldn't take it any longer, and stormed out of bed saying he was going back 'home'. 'I can get this at home' he said, 'but in my own bed, from my own wife'!!
That is the reality. Your husband doesn't want another woman than you. He wants to play at being a seventeen year old again. These kind of affairs where the man puts the wife through such agony as yours and mine are doing nearly always happen with middle-aged men. But I am certain it won't last. So hang in and try to show your husband love and gentleness, and let him know you will forgive him IF and WHEN he is prepared to completely end his affair, and begin to help you to regain your trust in him.
Just remind him too of something. I don't know how old he is, but if you have been married 34 years he is no spring chicken. He could get ill at any time. And then, he wouldn't want a bit on the side, an OW. He would want you, his wife, his home, and the safety and security which only come in a faithful, committed marriage.
Don't give up yet, Lefty. Marriage is always worth fighting for, even when our men do such terrible things to us.
It is six months after my D-Day - and my husband's affair is still ongoing. He shows no intention whatsoever of giving it up. Yet we are still together, he says he will never leave me, and tells me he loves me. For this, for our marriage, for all we have shared together, and for our precious sixteen year old daughter, I am hanging in - by the skin of my teeth, but I cannot throw it all away. And let his other woman win??? No way!!! SHE is not going to get the man I promised to love, honour and cherish until death. He is MY HUSBAND - not hers. And I am going to keep him!!
Get a bit angry - it does wonders to keep you holding on for a little longer. Good luck!!
Stilltrusting
