I have been reading the posts here for over a month. This is the first time I have had the courage to post, but I feel as if I have no where else to turn.

My D Day occurred in early February--the NBA All-Star weekend. My hubby is an entertainment attorney. We have been married for 2 and a half years, after being engaged for 5 years. Interestingly enough, I have always trusted him although his travel frequently took him out of town. That was my first mistake, I guess. We have had financial problems immediately after our marriage, many of them unexpected and for which we weren't ready for. My husband being a sole practitioner, I knew things would be difficult initially. They have only gotten progressively worse due to our different philosophies on spending and saving.

Although the first year was bumpy, we were very close. We were each other's recreational companions and did things with other couples. I even attended a few industry and bar-related events with my husband. However, going into the second year, there was a marked difference in our relationship. With the pressure of moving to another place, our financial problems, things were particularly rough. I also noticed that my husband could be dishonest. There were times when he lied about things that he shouldn't have had to lie about. I was embarassed recently when my sister confided that she barely talks to him because she doesn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

My husband has always been affectionate and caring toward me. He's also a guy who likes to spend money and to show off the material things he buys. The bigger and showier, the better. Meanwhile, we haven't been able to save much, and sometimes find ourselves struggling. When my husband traveled out of town initially after our marriage, he made it a point of coming home so that he was never out of town overnight. Well, that gradually changed, and that's when I think the craziness started.

The phone calls and hang-ups, or the women, who would call and refuse to leave messages. Then, my husband got a two-way pager, and was on that thing all the time! It wasn't until Christmas of 2002 that I understood why. That thing kept going off and I got fed up and checked it out. My husband was out of the apartment at the time. That's when I saw a page from some woman in Ohio, telling him that she couldn't wait to see him again so that she could you-know-what his brains out. Needless to say, I was shocked. As has often been the case, I didn't say a word. I guess a part of me didn't want to believe it. I thought I could compartmentalize it. I watched him closely to see if there was any appreciable change in his behavior. I also thought of all the times he traveled to Ohio--without me--due to his ownership interest in a studio there. I also recalled the previous year, he purchased a new vehicle, which he claimed someone who worked for a dealership helped him to get. Well, guess who that person was? Needless to say, I felt like a fool!

We spent a quiet New Year's Eve at home and had dinner; still I didn't say anything. My husband has also had legal problems that could get him disbarred for the past year. There have been sporadic court hearings--which have been a major source of embarassment. There was also the threat of arrest. Well, the arrest happened as my husband was preparing for yet another out-of-town trip to Atlanta to attend All-Star weekend. That's when the other shoe dropped. I found out the identity of the OW in Ohio, who outrageously demanded to know what my "vested interest" was! It was quite apparent that she didn't know he was married. Obviously, he lied to her. I did not respond. When my husband and I communicated that weekend, he could not understand why I was tearful and upset. He naturally assumed it was because of his arrest. He then asked if I thought he was having an affair. I finally told him, yes. However, I refused to go into specifics. I didn't want to give him and the OW a chance to commiserate and get their stories together. Nor, did I want to give him an opportunity to talk his way out of it. As a person who negotiates contracts for a living, he can talk his way out of anything and get you to believe everything.

That's when I started to question everything our relationship supposedly stood for. The nights I spent alone; the events to which I was not invited (but I found out he did not attend these events alone); the late nights when he was supposedly in the studio; the amount of time he spends online and on that darn two-way pager of his!

Needless to say, when he came home that Monday, he was confronted with a very angry letter outlining the issues I had with our marriage, including my belief that he had been unfaithful to our vows. I also had proof that I presented him--various emails that I downloaded that weekend while he was "away." Of course, he was outraged, and attempted to deny the whole thing. Then as we continued to argue, he finally broke down and cried and admitted that he messed up, but swore that he was not physically unfaithful. When I threatened to call the OW and let her know exactly what my "vested interest" was, things got heated again. He then begged me to trust him to contact her to let her know that it was over. He did that evening--or so I believe. Both emotionally drained, we went to bed. My husband tearfully begged me not to leave and I just couldn't make any promises. He then asked if I was still going to accompany him to a major industry event and to visit his parents in NY--a trip that had been planned months before. When I told him I couldn't even think that far ahead, we both cried. As you all can imagine, things were quite strained. My husband did not understand why I was treating him so cooly and kept begging me not to leave, and kept saying that he wanted his wife back. I'm not sure he could ever have the wife back that he had when we married in October 2000.

We then agreed to go to counseling. However, we never made it to the first session. We slowly tried to work on our issues, and even went on the NY trip. Had a great time! However, as we were enjoying his family, I just felt as if we were living a lie. When we returned home, I was cool toward him. He was thrown off kilter because he thought we could just magically pick up. The problem is that I didn't know who he was anymore. It's as if he didn't get it. I believe that he is sincere. I know he has made a real effort to be home in the evenings, to curtail his out-of-town travel, to be more sensitive to my needs, and to give me the space I need.

Then, he had one final hearing, which we were assured by his attorney would work out okay. It wasn't okay. He actually got 2 years, most of it suspended, and has to actually do 90 days. He's supposed to do 85% of that time; so technically, it's approximately 70 days. This was on March 21st. Needless to say, we were both devastated. Devastated and embarassed. Again, my husband was concerned that I would leave him. I have gone through periods of intense rage, disappointment, fear and total apathy.

We have communicated daily and have written. Unfortunately, I have been in a state of crisis management. A woman actually called my office, using the name of the OW and hung up when I answered. I told my husband immediately when he called, and told him that I could not live like this. I felt as if my privacy had been invaded and was outraged. It was a couple of days later that I received scathing emails at work and at home, accusing my husband of having several other women in the wings. In addition, I was asked how it felt to be the wife of a jailbird. That's when I decided to take action because now things have crossed over into harassment and stalking. I spoke with my firm's administrator this morning to block emails from particular addresses. Well, this person is very smart. It appears that when she realized that the emails were blocked, she forwarded them to yet another woman, who, in turn, emailed me. I had to work late tonight, and these two women showed up at my condo building and left a picture of my husband and another woman under my door.

I've spoken to him this evening; of course, he had explanations for all this foolishness. I am at a point where I feel threatened and I will be contacting an investigtor tomorrow to track down the source of the emails. As I told him, I can't live like this, don't have to live like this and will not. He constantly begs for another chance and we had an appt. with a counselor when he gets out in May. I can't wait that long. I'm at the end of my rope and am terrified that these individuals will continue to harass me at work--to the point of actually showing up on my job. I am an intensely private person and I find this intolerable. I live in a secured building, but I have no comfort for that.

I don't know whether to give hubby another chance or not. I'm fed up and am disgusted and outraged that his actions have put me in this position. The sacred union that I took so much pride in has been seriously fractured. I am also anxious about my safety and terrified of embarassment.

Any advice anyone can give me would be great.

Thanks!

JR--Disgusted in D.C.

JR,

Their are things in your email that are making my hair raise, because they remind me of my first husband. So my advice to you may be a bit skewed due to the bad memories. Please take what I say with a grain of salt.

You said that even your sister doesn't believe anything he says. Aside from the affairs, does he have a history of lying? Try to be as honest with yourself as possible. Again, I'm taking this from my perspective of being married to a man who your post reminded me of. This was a man who lied to everyone to make himself look better. And for him, the difference between right and wrong was whether he got caught. Which is the second thing that triggered me. You didn't say what he's in jail for, but I'm assuming it was another case where he just thought he wouldn't get caught. If he's in jail, it probably was something that could hurt another person in some way. What does this say for his ethics?

Get to IC. Tell the counselor everything. Even those little nagging feelings that you have about things. Once you start to talk about it, you might surprise yourself.

Think about whether you really want to give him another chance. Does the man have ethics that you admire and respect in his relationships other than the OW? In the past, has he made tearful apologies for behaviors, then not changed them? My ex was slick, charming, gorgeous, intelligent, and could make an apology that could bring me to tears. But he was so flawed and dishonest that I finally realized I was in love with the "show".

I am working on my relationship now with a WS, so I don't think that infidelity means that a marriage can't be healed. So you're going to have to decide whether the rest of the man is worth keeping or not. Are you in love with the package he's wrapped himself up in or with the true man inside.

Let me know if I'm way off track on this one. There were a number of things in your post that triggered me to remember a past with a man who was adulterous, lying, unethical, egocentric, felonious, irresponsible, and eventually drug-addicted and abusive. I wouldn't want anyone to go down the same path I did and am thankful that I had a great support system that helped me get out with my body and spirit intact.

Good morning, Dobie, and thanks for responding! And, believe you me, I have mulled this over again and again. I'm a very anal person, and will over-analyze things until I'm exhausted.

Yes, H has a history of lying or embroidering the truth to make himself look better. If that weren't bad enough, he has a history of giving me things only to turn around and brag about it to others. This has been a major source of contention. I don't want things; I wanted the person whom I thought I married.

I've have also struggled with whether or not I wanted to remain in this marriage. As you can imagine, I have beaten up on myself because I thought I made a "smart" choice. I feel as if I have been duped, but if I were truly honest with myself, I have to admit that there were a couple of times when we were engaged when I considered walking away. We were able to work through those hurdles.

I definitely agree with you about the IC, which is desperately needed. I have contacted a couple of people for referrals. As I told H back in February, I needed to do this for myself. I also told him that it was of no concern to me whether he chose to join me or not. I have also consistently asked myself if I was in love with the wrapping that the package came in, and H's potential, as opposed to the person he actually was.

I know that he has some excellent qualities and ethics. His time "away" will give me the space I need to work on myself. I have resumed going back to church, and know that I will find comfort that way. I just hate having people email me at work and feel I'm being besieged.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!

JR,

Just a few thoughts. In your search for an individual counselor, I would highly suggest either Steve Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers, or there is woman that posts as "Cerri" on here that has just completed her training in Marriage Builder methods and would get my vote for first pick. I'll post her website link below.

Anyway, you can read a bit of more story on a rather lengthy post in JFO under my "persistant" name. We worked with a conventional counselor for about 6-9 months, and I was not very happy with the results or methods. Honestly, it wasn't until I received MB coaching from Jennifer Chalmers that I knew what the problems in my marriage were. It's been a long process, but I think we are on the road to recovery. In my book though, there is a huge difference between the advise and assistance I've gotten through MB vs the conventional counselor. I would not recommend anything but MB. And I paid for the MB coaching out of pocket, but had employee assistance to cover the conventional stuff. Still MB was a better "deal">

Ok, now that I've beaten that one to death, let me toss out something unconventional. Why not meet and talk with these other women? They don't hate you - they hate your husband. If you do decide to reconcile, women like this in the wings watching his moves can be very helpful. And once they get a chance to vent, and you get a chance to explain that you didn't know, that may stop the emails and phone call hangups. Until they get their day though, they're going to be very persistent. You might give that some consideration.

P

Coaching

At least you know the truth. He sounds like a perfectionist liar, but not any more! All of your feelings are so valid. But your clever husband needs psychotherapy. His problem(s) are truly pathological. You need real support too. Probably the professional kind is best. Family loves you and are biased. But clearly what he has done is WRONG. Prayers are with you.

Ok, I'm not going to address the issue of your marriage at the moment~ because I'm not sure yet what to say. But, I will adress what's going on with the harrassment~ I've been dealing with a little bit of that myself lately. I agree: it's no way to live.

Point of fact, my husband and I were discussing this just a few days ago. I'm being harrassed on and off, and we were trying to figure it out. My husband, being the wise man that he is, says~ she's just trying to get at you. Talk about your "Duh!" moments!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But, he's right.. that's pretty much all it is. The woman that's harrassing you (much like the woman that's harrassing me)... she's doing it out of pathetic desperation. She knows she didn't flatten your life like she wanted... so now she's resorted to this. See it for what it is: a continued, pathetic attempt to cause you angst. For your harrasser, it's an attempt to get you to split with your husband. Make it futile.

When you get those calls, if she doesn't hang up first... you hang up on her. Don't talk to her; just hang up. I can tell you from experience that nothing irritates someone who wants to be mean-spirited more than not giving them the chance. Do make sure that you have a tracer put on your phone so that the cops can see who's calling you. If she's doing it at work, ask the company to do it as well (and for permission to put a recorder on your phone). Highlight calls to your cell, if any, so that the police can correlate them to your traced calls. Do know that the phone company will not give you copies of the traced calls. They will only release that to the police. Then, when stuff shows up at your door, put it where it needs to go: in the hands of the police officer. Fill out a harrassment report for every call and "gift" you get. Unfortunately, it won't get you a temporary protective order, but, the police say it's an important record to keep. That way, should she ever even so much as threaten to harm you, they can bust her and have good ammunition to go along with it. And THEN you'll get your t.p.o.

When you see her in your rearview mirror, don't get mad: call the cops. That's what they're there for. Dial those three little numbers: 9-1-1. It doesn't have to be a huge federal thing: they'll just keep track of the incidents and make sure that she doesn't do anything more than follow you. It's not illegal for her to be behind you, but the cops will make the offer to stop her (to see where she's going and if she has a valid reason to be traveling where you're traveling). Most likely, if you want to lose her, you will. I have only been followed by a couple of people, but they weren't very bright and easy to lose. I'm sure your little nimwit is, too. Calling the cops will keep a record of incidents, which is again, important fodder should she ever actually accelerate her harrassment.

Finally, this is just something that has helped me, but LIVE WELL. I know that there would be nothing that my little irritant would like more than to see me broken and miserable. It's not going to happen. I have a great life, I love my life and I LOVE making sure that everybody knows it! My husband and I go out often and we do pretty much whatever we want. Living the good, happy life is infectious: people are really enjoying being around us... we're entertaining more, too! And let me tell you, good news travels just as fast as bad news does... especially when people EXPECT to hear bad news. Were I you, I'd be making sure that I'm building a life that allows good news to be shared in spades.

Now, I'm human, and I confess that I love being able to thwart her desire for my unhappiness... but I do believe that a little of "noblisse oblige" ~ meaning nobility obligates. Not to say that you are a better person than you are (we all have our flaws), but you're happy... she's not. Your obligation, then, is to honestly and truly hope that she can move along and find happiness of her own one day. Not yours, her own. And, for her to be able to do that, she needs to know she's not going to find her happiness at the expense of yours...does this make sense?

Now you are scaring me. My ex always wanted to show off and brag about what he got me. And show me off. And show off everything. Had to have the flashy sportscar, the nice house, etc. It was all about image.

If he tells you he was born in Alaska but his birth certificate says Indiana...or he says he was an Army scout even though his service record says differently...or he claims his younger brother was killed by a DUI, then you find out the kid's alive and has Down's Syndrome...RUN! You have my ex and I wouldn't wish that one anyone.

Hopefully, yours isn't that extreme. But he really does sound like he needs IC for insecurity issues. You know that old line about not being able to love anybody else unless you love yourself first?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by persistant:
<strong>JR,

Just a few thoughts. In your search for an individual counselor, I would highly suggest either Steve Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers, or there is woman that posts as "Cerri" on here that has just completed her training in Marriage Builder methods and would get my vote for first pick. I'll post her website link below.

Anyway, you can read a bit of more story on a rather lengthy post in JFO under my "persistant" name. We worked with a conventional counselor for about 6-9 months, and I was not very happy with the results or methods. Honestly, it wasn't until I received MB coaching from Jennifer Chalmers that I knew what the problems in my marriage were. It's been a long process, but I think we are on the road to recovery. In my book though, there is a huge difference between the advise and assistance I've gotten through MB vs the conventional counselor. I would not recommend anything but MB. And I paid for the MB coaching out of pocket, but had employee assistance to cover the conventional stuff. Still MB was a better "deal">

Ok, now that I've beaten that one to death, let me toss out something unconventional. Why not meet and talk with these other women? They don't hate you - they hate your husband. If you do decide to reconcile, women like this in the wings watching his moves can be very helpful. And once they get a chance to vent, and you get a chance to explain that you didn't know, that may stop the emails and phone call hangups. Until they get their day though, they're going to be very persistent. You might give that some consideration.

P

Coaching</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much, Persistent! I will definitely consider the people you listed. I've read nothing but really great things about them!

Actually, I thought about that other suggestion of yours, too. However, I'm not sure I want a circus running through my home. I don't think these people can tell me anything that I don't already know. Nor, am I anxious to become a charter member of some "waiting to exhale" club just for someone else's gratification.

BTW--I spoke to an investigator yesterday, who was actually quite alarmed by what I told him--especially since the two who showed up at my condo the other night made it upstairs anyway and slipped something under my door. Apparently, it has now crossed the line from being a nuisance to criminal trespass especially since I live in a secured building and they were specifically told that I was not at home.

TheCalypso, are you sure you aren't the investigator I talked to yesterday? LOL! It's amazing that I can laugh about this! A lot of the things you mentioned are the very things he suggested, as well.

I will definitely take the other things you said to heart, as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dobie:
<strong>Now you are scaring me. My ex always wanted to show off and brag about what he got me. And show me off. And show off everything. Had to have the flashy sportscar, the nice house, etc. It was all about image.

If he tells you he was born in Alaska but his birth certificate says Indiana...or he says he was an Army scout even though his service record says differently...or he claims his younger brother was killed by a DUI, then you find out the kid's alive and has Down's Syndrome...RUN! You have my ex and I wouldn't wish that one anyone.

Hopefully, yours isn't that extreme. But he really does sound like he needs IC for insecurity issues. You know that old line about not being able to love anybody else unless you love yourself first?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, Dobie! Thankfully, it isn't that extreme. I saw his birth certificate firsthand when we went to apply for our marriage license. His parents and brothers also confirmed everything he told me about his background, particularly his strained relationship with his parents.

It's interesting that you mentioned the insecurity. I picked up on it immediately when we visited his parents' home for the first time. He grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, and was dis-fellowshipped at 17. His crime? He got a girl pregnant the first time he had sex, and they got an abortion. If that wasn't bad enough, his parents threw him out of their home, and along with the other members of the congregation, shunned him. It wasn't until years later, that he slowly rebuilt his relationship with them, but there was a lot of simmering resentment toward them. His parents and the members of their congregation basically told him that he wouldn't amount to much unless he was one of them. He has admitted that he was obsessed with showing them that they were wrong. That's why there's such a need to show off the trappings of his success. I also remember when his grandfather died, the members of the congregation had a repast at his parents' home, and they shunned him again. Just looked right through him as if he wasn't even there. I remember being shocked and horrified at their rudeness. I could tell he was hurt and upset that his parents made no effort to defend him.

His parents didn't even come to our wedding, which we planned around one of their numerous vacations. Three weeks before the wedding, I found him crying with the phone clutched in his hand. His mother apparently called to let us know that she and his father would not be attending the wedding after all. Apparently, they spoke with one of the leaders at the Kindgom Hall (the same one who was H's mentor and dis-fellowshipped him when he was 17). He apparently told them that they could attend "this affair" if they chose, but it wouldn't be right, yada yada yada. He laid such a guilt trip on them that it was unbelievable! I was horrified that they would choose their religion over attending their son's wedding. What was even more outragerous is that both parents have had numerous affairs themselves, and yet, they are still held in high regard by their congregation!

But, yes, I've thought that H was insecure because his parents are very involved in the lives of his other brothers, primarily because they all live in NY.

No, I'm not the private investigator. I'm just a woman who got sick of feeling helpless every time "my little twit" showed up in my rearview mirror or decided to cruise the parking lot where I work screaming obscenities at brunettes who walked out the front door (you know, one should never drink so much that you can't tell who's who <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I got TWISTED when she included our children in on her little rants. I've got preschoolers; in no way did they need to be subjected to her madness. So, I went to the police and they gave me ALL the pointers in the world. Gotta love the men in blue! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Another little thought: lately, she's been given to going to someone else's home to call me. Guess she knows I'm not going to answer the phone if I see her number on it. (another Duh! moment brought to you by Calypso!) So, I gave that number to the police as well. We know now EXACTLY where that person lives and will be including them in all subsequent harrassment reports that we file since we have told her not to call us again while she was using that number. The only thing I'm waiting on now is to find out whether or not we have to notify the owner of the phone as well. If so, certified mail works just fine! I'd suggest you do the same with your little twit's friend. Make it NOT worth her while to get involved!

Will do, Calypso! Let me just say that the bimbo-thon still continues! I was leaving for church this morning and opened the door, and on top of my Sunday paper were more pictures of H and OW. I have to admit that I went to church very angry--something that should not even occur. It is totally counter-productive. As a Christian, it has been very difficult for me. Prayer has helped. Took communion today also to renew my covenant with God. Covenant . . . now THERE'S a word!

Heard from H lastnight. Still tearful and apologetic. His tears and apologies really don't move me anymore. I'm sure he's sincere. I just wish that things didn't get this bad before he WOKE UP! Also received his most recent letter. It's amazing how candid and honest some people decide to become when they are humbled by circumstance and are in danger of losing everything. I've been struggling with my deep-seated rage all morning. However, H says he still wants to commit to marriage and do whatever is necessary to rebuild the trust. I don't know. I vacillate between wanting to do that, also, and just taking this opportunity to "clean house." On the way home, images of Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale throwing out all her H's clothes and things, putting them in his car, and setting everything ablaze flashed through my mind. Now, THAT'S therapy! Then, my practical side took over when I realized I live in a metropolitan area and wouldn't get away with it. Once again, it's all negative energy.

Is this normal? I don't want to give up, but a part of me can't help but wonder if it is truly worth it.