My wife has told me she wanted to seperate for a few months. I was devastated as she would not come home or communicate with me. The she admitted she had feelings for a co-worker and they had slept together after a party.
We had not been getting on but I was still shocked and very hurt. And I can see it was 90% my fault as after our wedding I became a workaholic, with a view of working hard now for our future. We went through some hard times together with no money before the wedding.

I can see how I didn't balance my attentions between my job and our marriage. I work from home so a lot of the time we would be in the house together, with me working on the computer and her sitting around bored.
But I thought we still loved each other deep down and everyone has some domestic problems.
She tells me I will never change, but I sincerely love her and I would do anything to change.
I feel angry that I didn't see or believe the signs until it happened. I feel like I never had a wakeup call to break my routine and work on our marriage before this happened. She never gave an ultimatum or made it clear how desperate the situation had become.
And now it is too late.

I think she still loves me but thinks I cannot change. She says she wants the best for me with someone more suitable.
I am pleading with her to give me a chance, but it is hard to talk with the hurt and betrayal I feel. I love her more than anything but she doesn't believe my desire to change.
I don't know if she still wants to see the other guy. She just says she needs space to think. But I am paranoid it is to see him. How can I demonstrate how desperate I am to save our relationship, yet give her the space she says she needs...

Your situation mirrors mine completely. My husband refuses to believe that I will change, found the woman of his dreams, etc., etc., etc. I cried, I ranted, I raved, I threatened and even used the kids as a bargaining tool. You know what? None of it worked. I was desperate and cried nearly everyday for 6 months. Each and every family member and every friends I have told me to forget him, let him have her, etc., etc. I blamed myself....WRONG.

This is not about you dear, it is all about what your wife is lacking. COMMUNICATION is a MUST and she crossed the line before approaching the most sure-proof method to SAVE your marriage. A little bit of talk would have went far..more fool her.

The best advice my friend is to seek counseling and you know what, you will realize, albeit reluctantly (as I have) that no matter what, it is not your fault. You were working, you loved and you were a partner...if she could not find the time to speak to you about her "feelings", well, more fool her. I know I sound bitter, but after only a few sessions, I feel so justified in saying so, but not in anger. My feelings are from resignation. Your wife will realize, as my counselor says, "that the tea party will come to an end after playtime is over." Tell me, won't your wife realize that everyone has to work and that, when she returns home to lover boy, that he may have a bad day or he will work late." Remember, he is just stroking her ego and after a while, that will stop and trust me...she'll come knocking at the door.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I can see it was 90% my fault as after our wedding I became a workaholic, with a view of working hard now for our future. We went through some hard times together with no money before the wedding.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the number one myth that many BS(betrayed spouses) beleive, but the simple truth is that your WW(wayward wife) could have chosen to leave you way before she got involved with another man, but she did not, did she?. She chose to stay with you without seeking counseling to fix the M(marriage) until someone else came along. Her dishonesty is the reason why she bears 100% of the responsibility of chosing to have an A(affair).

Kareena is correct when she said that pleading, begging, threatening do not work. It only makes the WS more inclined to leave the M.

I recommend that you set up an appointment with a marriage oriented professional like Steve Harley or his sister Jennifer Harley Chalmers or Penny Tuppi from saveyourmarriagecentral.com . And read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair' 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs'.

You are not alone, we are here for you.

<small>[ April 04, 2003, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

sco2000,

Everyone here is correct - This is simply not your fault. It's erie how close your situation is to mine. I was ignoring my wife in large ways in order to work as much as I could to give her all the vacations and all the things I knew she wanted. I got hints dropped to me but nothing to the extent of how I felt after she has an A. I know how you feel man - I too blamed myself but just remeber this: The choice she made to have an affair was a selfish one and one she made soley on her own. Your feelings and thoughts were not included in this game of deciet and lies (IE the affair she had) so don't beat yourself up. The old saying - 2 wrongs sure in the hell don't make a right!!

I think people sometimes forget that a part of happiness in a relationship is what you do for yourself that makes your marriage a good one and not depending soley on your spouse for everything to make you happy and I sense a little of your wife feeling it was all you. It is true that there is no excuse that I was neglecting my wife emotionally but I was never mean or hateful to her and I am sure you have a simular setting.

Here is all you can do at this point. Be a good person and show her you ARE still the same person she fell in love with and you are willing to set your work aside to be there for her. That is all you can do, if she can not accept that then all you can tell yourself is you tried your best and have no regrets. Yes it is very easy to bail out of this now but don't.

I'll tell you one thing you MUST do also in order to make this work - you must give her space and put your fears to the side. If she's giving you enough reason to show she's not with this other person (like spending a lot of time with you and nothing is visually out of sorts) then you can't worry yourself about all the times you are not around her. I am telling you from my own experince that you will push her further and further away. It is a very hard thing to do but you must do it. When you get into a converstation with her - try not to dig too deep cause this became true for me. You want everything so much to work out and be okay that sometimes you want to hear from her what you want to hear rather than the negative feelings she might be feeling at the time. Do not put demands on her. In life there are tons of unknowns - this one is no different. A good suggestion I can make is when things get heated - walk away and don't push. It's almost like picking at a scab - sometimes you pick and pick until it won't stop bleeding.

Man I know - it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with but you gotta hang in there and do your best. Set deadlines for yourself at night, tell yourself "I'm only working till 8:30 tonight and then I am turning off the computer and hanging out with her". Space your work and dealines out more so you have time to handle all this and explain to your clients that the project just is going to take a little longer. Go do things with her that you both like to do. Siting around the house and stagnating over the problem never helps but just bust your [censored] on being all you can be for her. It will take time and I know you want instant results but you gotta wait for the cream to rise to the top as you stir it. Good effort can not go unnoticed so just go at it with your best man!

Let me know if I can help anymore cause like I said this situation is almost exact to mine.

Hang in here man and keep me updated!

<small>[ April 04, 2003, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

Well I can sure feel for you. I also had the same thing happen to me. I think the advice you have received so far is pretty good. One thing I would suggest is similar to setting a goal to stop working at 8:30. Better than that, I would INK in time on your calendar for you W. When someone you work with wants that time it is alreay booked, and you can honestly say you have a committment.

I too tried working hard, and then as my kids got older spending time with them, but during all of this, my W started to believe I no longer carred for her. I her eyes I continued to do things that seemed to re-enfource this feeling. She finally got to the point were she believe her lie, and then started another one.

So as they have already said it is not just your fault. Yes maybe some, but not all. There is something she is not receiving from you. Finding out what these things are will go a long way toward you understanding what has happened. Try reading His Needs Her Needs and see what you learn.

Just remember you are not alone.

It's interesting; you worked hard from your home while she sat around "bored". Why was she sitting around "bored"? Why didn't she contribute to the marriage? I've been in your shoes....worked my [censored] off for my wife and kids and did well enough so that SHE didn't have to work outside the home (which is what SHE always wanted). All she ever did was complain about how hard she had it...in the big house with the maid, expensive SUV, country club etc. I was the WS in our marriage though...after 12 years she wore me out. We're working through things slowly...very slowly. Our marriage has been a one way street for 12 years and it's my fault that I fell in love with another woman but it's HER fault that she took advantage of me, took me for granted and abused me emotionally for so long. Don't believe all the know-it-all's in this forum. EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. I don't think it was your fault. From what it sounds like to me she's lazy and wanted to be wet nursed and molly coddled. Chin up my friend. Tom

Thanks for everyone's replies.
My wife is now staying with a friend and is flying home to see her father - to clear her head and get some 'space'
This has been the worst week of my life and I am SO lonely and hurt. I can't believe this has happened.
I keep thinking if only I had only 'done this' or 'done that', it wouldn't have came to this.

When she got a new job and made new friends I was happy as she had moved without knowing anyone. But I was never possessive or jealous as I trusted her completely. Maybe somehow she thought I didn't care by not being like that.

When we have seen see each other this week, I feel like I am pleading with her to try again and it is making things worse, even though I am trying to show her just how much I truly love her and care about our marriage.
She is bringing up all my 'bad' qualities whenever we speak - Mainly that I did not show I cared enough by just talking and listening. She felt lonely and distant when I worked from home, and I would keep putting off our ambitions to move into the city and live 'creative' lives - travel, taking classes, music, art etc.
We were restricted by living in a small flat in a small town.

Generally we got on, especially whenever we went on day trips, holidays or short breaks, but there was often a lot of tension about our current home situation.
I still felt she loved me as I loved her deep down and would be patient.
We married with nothing and I felt a 'duty' as the husband to provide for us and make all our dreams possible.
We are finally at that point after 2 and a half years of marriage where we could afford to make all these things easy and non-stressful. But it now may be too late. I felt that I sacrificed a lot of my time and energy in my business that has finally enabled us to do all the things we both wanted, and was frustrated that she did not appreciate that. I see now that I got too single-minded about the importance of money.

I feel such shame and regret when I see through her eyes the person she describes I became, and I realize I made so many mistakes, mainly lack of communication, not enough 'deep meaningful' conversations, taking her for granted, not enough of the 'little things' that show how I much I cared for her.
We argued when she came to collect her things for her trip home, and she said some incredibly hurtful irrational things. About not liking her father etc. She comes from a broken marriage and there is a lot of pain in her upbringing.
I told her how lonely I was and got back, "Well now you know how it feels..."

The sad fact is that deep down we want the same things and have so much in common.
I hate what she has done, and it is so painful to imagine her with someone else. We were virgins when we married and the 'purity' between us has gone forever now.

Despite my heartache, I realize my love is still STRONGER than the pain. I would give anything for a chance to repair things. I want to comfort her and forgive her - for both of us to help each other with our faults and insecurities.

I am trying to be strong but it is so hard. It would be easier to cope if her treachery turns out to be a 'cry for help'
I am praying that she will see I have totally changed - That I can now see what is truly important in life. I can't ever imagine loving anyone else with the same depth.
I can't help beating myself up about not recognizing how extreme her frustrations with me had become.

drove wife to an affair
Her affair is not your fault.
The problems in the marriage were 50% your and 50% hers. But the affair was solely her decision and you did not “drive” her into an affair.

Hello sco2000,

I rarely come over here to "Just Found Out"... and rarely visit the website at all like I used to, but I did today, and your post touched me deeply.

You've written quite a lot, but nothing stands out more than the quote that Chris, and now I, cite: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can see it was 90% my fault </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My heart breaks for you, and for this FALLACY that you have taken into your soul. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yes, you are partly responsible for helping to get your marriage to a vulnerable point, but **only she** can take responsibility for HER CHOICE to have an affair. NOT YOU... HER, AND HER ALONE.

My first H and I **both** said the same words at some time, as both of us were WS and BS. We had such a messed up marriage, and got so mired in guilt, shame and useless blaming that we never did get back on track. That *can* happen, so be very careful with your choices now.

One other note: If you continue to bemoan the fact that it's all your fault, it could backfire, because some women see this as a sign of weakness. Grieving (and that will continue for some time to come) is natural, but you need to get strong - for YOURSELF, and for your marriage, if it is to survive.

Best wishes...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sco2000:
<strong>I can see it was 90% my fault as after our wedding I became a workaholic, with a view of working hard now for our future.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, sco2000. I just wanted to let you know that my heart breaks for the pain you are in. As much anguish as you are in, please know that this IS NOT your fault! Whatever underlying issues may have existed in your marriage, it was ultimately your WW's choice to betray you. We all have the power of free will to set boundaries.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

>Yes, you are partly responsible for helping to get your marriage to a vulnerable point, but **only she** can take responsibility for HER CHOICE to have an affair. NOT YOU... HER, AND HER ALONE.
===============================

Yes, I am beginning to understand this - my emotions are all over the place and this was my initial reaction.
She has flown home to her family now and it was slightly easier today.
I am still upset for not seeing the signs that I can recognize now were building up to breaking point.
Things were just worse for her than I had thought. I felt our problems were temporary issues for us, minor domestic rows like everyone has and generally we still loved each other deep down. I can see a lot of her issues would eventually just wash over my head and I would get frustrated she couldn't see the bigger picture.
All I can do now is tell her I am still deeply in love with her, and would take her back this one time, and we can deal with the problems together.
Maybe she can still feel that through the shield she has put up and talking with her parents will help clear her head. If she comes back and sees the other guy again, then it is over for good.