this may sound stupid, and I'm not sure why I'm all in a share happy mood, but I found out about a week ago that my fiance was cheating on me, I found a note he had in his gym bag, it was more than casual sex. They had a relationship together.I've agreed to give him another chance, but I still don't feel like he's being honest with me about what all went on with this girl, how can I build on this if I feel like he's still lying to me even though he swears it's the truth.We were just starting out in life and now it feels like it's ending before it's even begun.

tigarlilee,

Past behavior is good predictor of the future behavior ... specially if F doesn't show up any remorse or repent. You have no permanent ties to this man yet, please sit down and decide ... is it worthed ?., is it what you want in M ?. You do NC to protect your self and with time you will let go of him and yu will find a better man that will treat you like a princess.

Please take this time to learn MB and learn on how to protect R.

Welcome to MB -rh-

If I knew then what I know now, 15 years later, I would not have married my husband. We are in recovery now, we have been married 13 years and after 10 he was unfaithful. I love him and believe things will be better from now on, nontheless, I wouldn't have married him had I known. It almost killed me. It changed me and it soured many aspect of my life.

You are not married yet and you already are dealing with a cheating man, why on earth would you marry him? Move on, once you break up and put your life back in order, you will see that living without him is very possible. Nobody would blame me if I couldn't go on with my H, certainly nobody would blame you for not marrying an adulterer. Be a smart cookie not a future victim. Good luck.

It sounds really strange, but I took some advice off the site and instead of confronting him about still lying to me, I made it into a "safe" situation, I told him I would just listen and not get up and walk out no matter what he said and that I really just needed to know the truth about all of it, and It worked he did open up and he did clarify things I wanted to know, but do you ever think that you want to know too much, I mean I seem to want to know every little detail, does that make me a crazy lady?? I feel like the more I know the more I obsess and the less I try to actually give him a chance to prove himself. Now that I know the basic jist of how events transpired should I just leave it alone?? Should I be really more focused on making this work rather than obsessing over the past that we can't change.
My situation is a little different I mean it wasn't a long affair he had, not that I'm condoning that, it was 2 weeks and he broke it off with her before I even found out. I really do love him, he's my best friend in the entire world, and people do make mistakes, Are second chances worth all the work??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tigarlilee:
<strong>I really do love him, he's my best friend in the entire world, and people do make mistakes, Are second chances worth all the work??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he love you ? ... are you his best freind in the world ? ... yes, people made mistake ..... how ever you are about to make one. If this doesn't work after 10 years from now and after a few A and after a few kids ... do you have second chance for you ?.

Don't get me wrong ... this is your life but IMVHO why you want someone who has betray you even before M ?. Since you want him soo bad, this is my oppinion. Learn as much as you can about how A should ends !. Let him plan A and let him prove himself. Delay your M & go to pre-marital conseling !. See 6 months to 1 year from now if you still have the same thought. Bare in mind, I would not do that. I would rather find someone new and let this one go.
-rh-

<small>[ April 05, 2003, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

I agree with redhat. He does need to prove himself if that is the route that you wish to take.

Believe me, if you want to see what it is like to be a betrayed spouse, read around this board. Many of the stories are very heartbreaking and sad. All too often, some very good people are hurt repeatedly because of the selfish behavior of another. If he can do this and you will marry him anyways, he is learning that cheating on you is ok.

Recoveries are difficult. How do you know if he's being honest with you? How was he treating you during this relationship (was it any different than normal)?

If you are not married, you have no attachments to him.

There are many good men out there...don't waste your time on him.

I know everyone thinks I am wrong for taking him back, and I know everyone says I'm young and I can find someone else, and that's the truth I CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE!, but the point is that I don't want to. I want to try and make this work, someone once told me you have to work to get out of a relationship, which means exhausting every possible avenue of help before calling it quits. And I believe in that. I know everything he tells me leaves questions in my mind, and when he goes out with friends I always think the worse and he know's and understands this. He leaves me numbers now where he's going and how long he will be there, things I would of never asked him to do before. God help me if I'm making a mistake, but he still does love me, and it's almost as if he just wants things to get back to normal and forget this ever happened, and in a way I want that too, but we both know that that is not the way to go about this. We have started talking about what bothers us about eachother and what we love about eachother, about the reason why this happened and trying to figure out what things we can change within ourselves to make this work. And it's hard work! I have never taken the easy way out of anything and I can't afford to take the easy way out on the one thing that might actually be right in my life. Everyone may say how would I feel in 10 years if he does it again, but how would I feel in 10 years if I discover that what we had was the best thing I've ever had??
I guess my point is that you never really know, It's a chance, but life is a chance, you fall you get back up you, you live life to the fullest with the people that make you happy.
I know you guys may think I'm in deniel here that I think I can turn a pile of krap into a rose garden, but you know sometimes with hard work you can, and I don't just mean hard work from me it takes hard work as a team.
You always hurt the ones you love the most, is the truest statement I have ever heard. And if that's true If I get hurt again, yeah i will think that the pain is impossible to deal with and I'll want to just lie down and never wake up but the fact is that no matter how krappy your life is that it always gets better.
I don't think that I mentioned before that initailly I did break up with him, I told him it was over and that I couldn't do this. And he cried and he begged me to stay and I walked out on him right there. It wasn't untill a few days later that I had decided to give him another chance. I know that if I have to I can walk out on him again and I won't keel over and die as soon as I get out the door.
And really Isn't that the most important thing?
Realizing that you can live a life without someone if you have to and realizing that you are strong and you can say no even if it hurts to do so??
The times ahead are going to be rough and who knows maybe I will prove everyone out there right, but I can't live my life knowing that I gave up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tigarlilee:
<strong>I know everyone thinks I am wrong for taking him back, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never say that I only say I would not have done that. It is your life and we are her to give our own opinion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I want to try and make this work, someone once told me you have to work to get out of a relationship, which means exhausting every possible avenue of help before calling it quits. And I believe in that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reread my reply again. I suggest that you defers to M for at least 6 months to 1 year. Get pre-marital conseling !. If you want to try this then you have to follow "how A should ends" & start following 4 rules of recovery. Learn MB as much as you can ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The times ahead are going to be rough and who knows maybe I will prove everyone out there right, but I can't live my life knowing that I gave up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I rather be wrong but happy than be right but misery. Life is to short for experimental specially when my emotional health involve. JMHO. Life is a chance, yes I agreed but I like the better odd <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

More questions for you ... How old are you ? and how old is he ?. How long do you know each other ?. Do you know how many R he had and how it ended ? How many people (knows both of you) are telling you to dump him ?.

Take home for you ... Do you want this man b/c you really think that R would work for both of you or b/c many people tells you not to ?.

-rh-

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Just my opinion, but I think you really know that you should give up on your relationship, but you will not. It seems like you are trying to rationalize taking him back.

You are free to do what you want, and you know this man much better than any of us at our computers.

However, he has to work...you both have to. In order to make this work he does need to follow principles of no-contact and he does need to learn to meet your needs. You also need to learn to meet his needs.

To be honest, you will regret your decision at some point in the future, no matter what that decision is...