Hello everyone. This is my first post here, unfortunately. My wife told me today that she has had a brief affair with a co-worker. We've been married 7.5 years and we've been together for 12+. Needless to say, I'm devastated. I guess I found this forum in an effort to vent to someone and get some feedback as to how any of you handled this situation.

She told me voluntarily and she said it's over and she wants to save our marriage. I love her very much, but I don't know how I'm going to get past this. I can't get the image out of my mind and I don't know how I ever will. We have had what I would describe as a good marriage for the most part. We're great friends and the sex has always been great. Obvioulsy things aren't perfect between us or I wouldn't be here. Right now I feel so hurt and angry. I feel like she has jeopordized our family and our two daughters. Right now I'm just trying to sort our my emotions. I can forgive her, but I don't know if that's enough. I also don't know if my primary motivation for reconciliation is out of fear of losing my children in a divorce. I know she would never keep them from me, but they still would be away from me most of the time. How did you guys get through the early going? Do you think you're going to make it? If you had it to do over again, would you just walk out and start over, and why?

Thanks in advance for any help or words of encouragement you might provide. - J

I am sorry for your pain. Did your wife tell you why she had the affair and was willing to put your marriage and your health at risk. Is she sincerely remorseful. Make sure you both have been checked. It is a good sign that she voluntarily told you. Again is she remorseful and did she give you reasons why she did it. Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and how she thinks she would feel. You both need counseling and the sooner the better. I wish you luck.

J,

Welcome to MB. You came to the right place trying to learn how to save M. Please learn as much as you can about ENs, LB,LB$, instict/habit, poja etc. Read General welcome and make sure you read "How A start", "how A should end", and understand withdrawal in your W's A.

Yes, you could have a better marriage despite of this A. Many has passed this road. Bring your wife to read and learn about MB too, it is a must. If you could afford it get conseling from MB, we just here to lend our hand and give our oppinion. Get advice/coaching from MB comselor.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong>I am sorry for your pain. Did your wife tell you why she had the affair and was willing to put your marriage and your health at risk. Is she sincerely remorseful.

You both need counseling and the sooner the better. I wish you luck.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She had the affair for the usual reasons. He was filling a void in our relationship. We both live hectic lives and we both have massive responsibilities. She didn't feel like I was taking care of her. I guess I wasn't. She is sincerely remorseful I think. But my trust is so shattered that I don't know what I think right now. I trusted her completely. She was able to have an affair easily because I never questioned anything she did or said. My first instinct is to believe her and as strange as it sounds, that will be a tough habit to break.

We have an appointment with a marriage counselor on wednesday. I'll have to surf the rest of this site as soon as possible and learn the "lingo". Thanks for the kind words, I'll be talking to you soon. - J

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F'd Up:
<strong>She told me voluntarily and she said it's over and she wants to save our marriage. I love her very much, but I don't know how I'm going to get past this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">J - We feel your pain, but count your blessings that she said this to you. If she's sincere, already you are FAR better off than the vast majority of posters here.

Your "don't know how I'm going to get past this" thought is very normal for betrayed spouses (BS) whose wayward spouses (WS) have already ended the affair by the time they (the BS) finds out. The irony is that BSs of WSs in continuing affairs seem to be very willing to "get past" it and rebuild the marriage - even in the face of an ongoing affair. It's sort of a human nature supply and demand thing. Read around here and you'll see this.

So, I urge you to get past the normal "woe is me" stage and hunker down to create a marriage both of you deserve. Urge your wife to visit here after you get a handle on the basics. And be very careful when selecting a counselor. Try to find one who is pro-marriage rather than who will merely try to help you sort out whether you should stay married or not.

f'd up

Like WAT said you fall into the minority here. You W confessed and seems willing to work on the marriage...jump on this. This is so much easier with two people committed to the same thing. Later your wife and children will thank you for being strong and doing the lord's will and not your own.

This web site is wonderful, choked-full-o-good stuff. Read the articles and concepts here and keep posting. Many people have felt what you are feeling.

in His grip and holding on

Doug

Hi F'dup

Welcome to MB. I can only agree with what the others have said.

I also encourage you wife to come her, and read the links.

If you can afford it, I've heard good things about the Harley's phone counseling.

If the counselor you pick does not seem like a good fit for you and your wife, try a different one. Find one who is pro marriage.

J,
First you need a new name.

Second welcome, you’re not alone and you can get through this intact…

I agree with everyone’s sentiment that having your W tell you is better then walking in on it or some other means of learning, but as one of the minority that was blessed with that also, don’t be discouraged if that fact doesn’t make you want to jump for joy.

To answer your question(s)

3. If you had it to do over again, would you just walk out and start over, and why?

No I would not! Because it I wouldn’t dream of giving up what I now have.

I don’t remember where I heard this but it made sense to me. There is no starting over. Not completely. Think of it like one of those school projects on the fridge that your daughters have, do, or will, bring home. If the paper cutouts are crooked you can’t peel them off and start over, because they are glued together. No matter how careful you are they won’t separate without some pieces sticking to the other and more than likely you’ll ruin the whole thing by trying. The best thing to do is keep working with what you have in the end the crooked blemishes won’t detract from perfect picture. Your family is glued together like that and you’ll never peel away perfectly.

2. Do you think you're going to make it?

No, I know I’m going to make it, and though right now you may not see it fully, you can too.

3. How did you guys get through the early going?

I won’t lie to you it is hard on the roller coaster in the beginning. The others have given you great suggestions, read everything you can on the site and in the books, go to that counselor. My best advise in the beginning is to commit to a time frame before you make any major decisions including leaving your W or to staying. 1 year is the recommended norm but if that sounds to long go with 6 months and an option to renew.

More immediately, sleep when you can and try to eat at least 1 good meal a day and stay away from the Alcohol.

You can do this J,

Oz

I also just found out about what he had been doing... I was completely blind. Never saw it coming. A month ago he said he wanted to leave.. Says it has been to many years of neglect and constant fighting. Doesn't love me anymore. He had enough. Now I find that he has been with this woman for 8 weeks. And the way I found this out is by reading their emails to each other. 87 of them. narrating every detail of their encounters as if this was a great romance that should be immortalized. I am still in total shock. He knows that I have seen it and now we are communicating, talking for hours over the phone and through the computer (he is out of the country for business). He seems sorry that I found out this way. We had started counseling a month ago, and he says he admitted this affair to the counselor. We have not met together with the counselor yet, only individually. What am I to do now.. I want to forgive him and fight to keep our home together. He says he cares for me but that he cares for her also. How do I handle this situation? He has not moved out, but this was his plan. Now I don't know. I have told him that I cannot have him leaving me in limbo waiting for him to change his mind while I know that he will see this woman everyday at work.. What makes it worse for me is that I read everything they said to each other. Everything he said to her. These phrases keep repeating in my mind.. Haven't slept in two days, have not appetite. Three kids at home, daughters 8 and 2 and a little boy 8 months old. Anyone there that could advise me? Or have you been there also?

Lost_lonely,

First - print out the e-mails you spoke of seal them in an envelope and put them away in a safe place. Then delete them from the computer and don’t read them any more.

Here is why: You may need record of them for legal reasons if things don’t work out, However as humans we tend to be drawn to things like this for some reason. Reading them again will only tear you apart. Save them but leave them in a sealed envelope. If and when this all works out you and your H can burn them together in a year or so.

Second - Start your plan A today. You will find invaluable information on this site about plan A and the other concepts, read and learn.

Tell as few people as possible for right now. Listen to the advice given to J and lastly know that you are not alone.

Hang in there,

Oz

<small>[ April 08, 2003, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: oswald ]</small>

LL & J: Click on the link in my signature line for my best advice on how to proceed. J, my wife told me, too, and wanted to work on our marriage, which is about the best possible way you can find out, but it was still months before I was completely sure I wanted to stay married. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster for some time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by oswald:
<strong>J,
First you need a new name.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know oz, you're right so I changed my name. Even after a few long days, I'm beginning to see what you guys are trying to tell me. Thank you for the words. I dropped the "woe is me" attitude as worthatry suggested. Hunkering down is where I'm at right now. We've already started working toward something better and I think we're on the right track. In a strange way, I feel closer to her than I have in a long time. Although, my emotions vacillate wildly. One moment I want to comfort her and tell her that things will be ok. The next moment I need to vomit. I'm sure you guys know the routine. Regardless, I'm taking this thing head-on. I won't let anything stop me from making this work and I appreciate all of the advice so far. Thank you. - J

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: StrongerEveryday ]</small>