This is my first time posting. I have visited this site for the past two years. It's been two years ago since my husband told me he had been having an affair for a year, and wanted a divorce to marry her. She was also married at the time, but has since divorced her emotionally abusive husband. We have been married almost twenty one years. My husband felt it was his mission from God to get her away from her unhappy marriage. Never mind the hurt and pain he would be causing myself and our children. He also knew her brother in high school who has since died, and feels that her brother is the one that guided him to her, to make her life better. Well he's still at home, and seeing her, since I stupidly told him I would agree to live in an open marriage. To make a long story short, he's been seeing her with my knowledge for these past two years, and I've just lived with it. No one knows about this except us. He has told me over and over that he needs time to figure out what he wants. I know he was leaning towards leaving when I first found out, but last July he told me that he had decided that he was staying in our marriage, and that he needed to figure out how to tell her. Well, it's been just about nine months since then. At the end of January, I asked him what was going on. I reminded him that he had told me he was staying and when was he going to let her know that. He told me that nothing had changed and he was just trying to figure out how to get back to our marriage 100 %. Needless to say that our marriage has suffered greatly and still continues to do so, as he gives all of his affection to her. I am so afraid to bring up the subject again, but know that I cannot go on this way much longer. He has told me over and over that he doesn't want to leave, but then what does he want? I told him that he had to know that he couldn't keep this up much longer, and he told me that he knew this, but he doesn't know how to stop. She is very emotionally needy and unstable. When he first told me all about this affair, I told him he should have just stabbed me in the heart, because the pain couldn't be any worse. I still feel that way. Sometimes it would just be easier not to wake up, but I know I could never do anything to hurt myself because my children would suffer greatly. Any advice and experience in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

You must be asking yourself why is he taking so long to decide? Answer - He has his cake and gets to eat it also. What a great place your H is in. You at home to cook, clean and do laundry, and someone else to have fun with. I say he needs to make a decison TODAY. He either whats to save his marriage or not. If GOD called him to help this person, GOD did not tell him to have an A with her, someone else did that. God does not want us to sin, but will allow us to make choices, he made a wrong one. IF you read the many good comments and articles here, you will see he needs to STOP seeing the OW now. No if ands or buts.

Tricia, I am fairly new here myself. First, I am sorry for the pain and agony that you have endured these last two years.

I am always amazed at the way people selfishly use God to justify all manner of tomfoolery! Your H reminds me of the bank robber, who robs a bank, makes a clean get-away, and then thanks God for his good fortune.

While I don't feel equipped to give anyone else advice, particularly given my own trouble, I have to wholeheartedly agree with Mesoftball. Things have been made so easy for your H to continue with his outrageous behavior. As a result, he is and had been the one in the driver's seat. He definitely needs to end this A today. It is so unfair to you to leave you in limbo like this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Thank you for the kind replies. I guess I know what I have to do, but I'm so afraid of the consequences. I know from experience with my husband that giving an ultimatum is the worst thing to do. He will do the opposite just to prove he can, even if it's not what he wants. I keep talking to myself to try and figure out how to let him know exactly what I'm feeling without seeming to attack him. I just turned 39 last week, and it has made me even more depressed. My birthday and this on going affair has made me feel so worthless. If it comes to the worst case scenario, what are my chances of finding someone to love me? Maybe it's dumb to even be thinking about this, but it prays on my mind. I had a tubal ligation about ten years ago, and I've never regretted it more than I do now. I love my husband more than anything, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I feel like I am always biting my tongue around him, so that I do not say the wrong thing. He works in construction, so he is very tired at the end of the day. He also takes Paxil, which has contributed to the decline of our sex life. I know that he sees her in the mornings on his way to work, so I'm the loser in our sex life. He's just to tired after a long commute, long work day, and the anti-depressants. He tells me it's not me, and I guess I do believe that in some ways, but it just adds to the hurt and constant pain. I know I'm enabling him to continue this affair, but I don't know what to say, or how to say it without causing even more stress into our lives. He tells me he loves me, and I know he doesn't want to lose our marriage and children. He has already felt the heat from the kids when this all came out. Has anyone ever dealt with this type of experience? I would appreciate any comments.

There are ultimatums, and then there are ultimatums. It may be time for Plan B, (how has your plan A gone? Do you know what he gets from her that he does not get from you? Or is he just such a cake-eater that he wants to get fed twice every meal?). Read up (again) on this site about demands and about Plan B, so you can go to Plan B without making any demands. consider it the "non-ultimatum ultimatum".

My educated gues is that it is not ultimatums he objects to, but demands. A demand is: "You can't do this anymore." Plan B is: "I can't do this anymore."

<small>[ April 14, 2003, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Tricia,

I don't think ultimatums work. Actions work. Your H isn't going to change unless something changes in his life. That something needs to be you. I hope that you have sought counseling, if not you should do so. I also think you should consider some reading. I know you have been at this site for a long time, but have you read everything? If so, then start to act on it.

It seems to me you have been in Plan A for too long. It is probably time for plan B, now depending on the state you may not be able to get him to move out or support you and the children. Then I think it is time to file for legal separation and have him out of the house.

You don't threaten him with this. You simply do it because it is best for you and your children. It cannot be good for them to see this going on.

As for 39 being old, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> young lady you have no clue. You are just getting into the prime of your life. I can tell you the 40's are very very good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , and the 50's can be better. Your children will grow up moveon, you will have many opportunities to meet people, develop a career if you don't have one already, and a lot of pressure is off.

My guess is that you will indeed find someone who loves you and RESPECTS you. I am not encouraging you to divorce, but I am telling you that actions will need to be taken or nothing will change.

You are in a better position than you think. Seek some cousnseling or talk to a clergy man/woman.

God Bless,

JL

It feels really good to get some new perspective on my situation. I know that part of what he gets from her is the "hero worship". Though he tells me that he has always felt loved by me, she feels and shows him great gratitude for "rescuing" her from her unhappy marriage. Her husband still comes around, but apparently since the affair came to light, he has been extremly verbally abusive. I have told my husband that I understand the pain that he is going through, and that he and she have no clue about the devestation they have caused. My husband did not have a very loving childhood, and both he and the OW come from divorced families. The OW mother has actually had numerous affairs with married men while she was divorced, so she sees nothing wrong with dating a married man. I am going to go back and read plan A again, and set a deadline for myself, without telling him about it. I will take the advice and use myself as the reason for things I am saying to him. I do agree that this will probably work better in my conversations with him. Thank you for your input, I appreciate all of it.