H & I went to bed last night before going up stairs I locked the front door. After going upstairs we had sex. I could not fall asleep after that, about 10:30 he said he was going down to make something to eat. I do not remember if I was awake when he came back up. But here's my dilema. When I got up this morn. the front door was open, not locked. My daughter says she did not let the cat out at all last night. When I got in my car my high beams were on and my automatic light were off. 1. the last time I went out it was daylight, the high beams were not on. 2. I do not shut my auto lights off I leave the switch on however my H does shut them off. Now he swears he did not go anywhere last night. I did not think to check the milage after I used it last night so I cannot go by that. So I called him and asked him if he took the car anywhere. He says no, but how did my lights get like that and why was the front door unlocked this morn? He said to me was your seat moved? I said no, which kind of makes me think that, that is the only thing he thought of to do is to move the seat back where it was, because I got in my car a couple of times and the seat was moved and I comented on it. He also said of my accusations, he is too smart to leave all of that stuff undone, that if he was cheating he is too smart to leave that kind of stuff. He also said he has had enough of my accusations and he wants a divorce. Have I taken it too far, the suspicions? Do I listen to my gut feeling he is having an A? I have never found any physical evidence but a few little things such as the above mentioned. He also said that if he did go somewhere he was not supposed to then he would have just told me he went for a pack of ciggeretts. His motto "deny everything, trust noone" This is driving me insane, this not knowing, I cannot afford a PI all of my freinds have told me to stop accusing him, even my kids told me about a week ago he told them if I accuse him one more time he will leave, well I guess this is it, but how do I deny my gut, everyone says go with your gut, I do try not to but then something like this happens, please reply I really need some serious advice.

Thank you
Paula

Blondiewlk...while we all say to trust your gut...we also all know of some people who tend to accuse their partners when it's more their own insecuities then any bad behavior by their spouse. I have to wonder about this aspect since you quoted your children's advice to stop accusing their father.

So, I'd like a little more information. How long have you been married? Has there been an incident of betrayal in the past that your H has confessed to or which you know as fact? How old are your children? Have you caught your spouse in other lies recently?

While there does indeed seem to be some red flags which might point to a problem...I'm going to be careful at this point.

1. The last time you went out it was daylight...if you don't use your headlights in the daytime...are you certain that the last time you or your H were driving the car at night that the high beams were not on? (Is your car the type where the highbeam switch is on the colume where it is possible to have switched it by accident?)

2. Who drove the car the last time at night? Are you sure it was you? If so, then you do have a red flag which should be examined.

My radar was switched on by your H's comment about the position of the seat. The fact that he asked this questions, tend to make me wonder if he had made a point of moving it...if not last night then at some other time. (Although, you did point out that you had commented on this at some time in the past.)

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

Thank you wifey for responding. We have been married 1 1/2 yrs. The only thing my H lied about that I know to be fact is he lost his job a year ago and for 2 days lied to me. I suspect other lies but have no proof. My children are 15yrs. The highbeam switch is on the column you have to pull it back to turn it on and Im 100% sure that I was the last one to drive the car at night(sat. night) and yesterday during the day. I know I would have noticed the little blue light on the odometer that comes on when the high beams are on. My H is very secretive about his past but I was told by my ex husband that he had several affairs on his first wife, which he completly denies. I talked to his first wife when we first got together she did not say anything about affairs, of course she may not have known. Another thing that scares me is his comment about he is too smart to leave that stuff undone, again I just dont know what to do. I want so much to believe him but something just keeps telling me he is lying through his teeth. He is with me most of the time, although he does get called to work at different hours(he is a maint. super. in a hotel)last week he was called to work at 2am and never came home until the next day 11am. Said he figured he would stay and put his 8hrs in then come home early. I think if he is cheating it is while he is at work, or now maybe while Im sleeping. Please respond with any comments you may have. I also just found out that my H called my daughters at home(snow day) and asked them if they unlocked the front door.

Thanks
Paula

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: blondiewlk362003 ]</small>

I would keep my eyes open. I'd not put a lot of stock in what your xH says, unless you're on very good terms with him and he's completely comfortable with your remarriage. I would began making sure about the milage on any cars each day. While some extra milage could have innocent reasons, continued extra milage might indicate a need to have a discussion. I'd also watch credit card charges, cell phone/pager usage and computer usage.

Most affairs are not that hard to discover if the spouse wants to discover it. As loving spouses we tend to close our eyes and look the other way or find excusses for their "red flag" behavior. Often it is completely innocent...but not always. A watchful spouse is the surest way of intruding into an affair...without being overly suspicious...which can lead to a completely different problem with a faithful spouse. This can be a fine line to walk...so be careful.

I'd also like to know if one of the reasons for your divorce was a betrayal in that marriage. The reason is that once betrayal has touched our lives, it can take a very long time before we can really trust a new person in our life, even when we care very deeply for that person. (My first marriage ended because of betrayal, it took many years for my now H to reach the level of trust which he then turned around and tossed in the trash. He's now trying very hard to reclaim that trust he took for granted.)

You do need to reach an understanding with your now H about his past. Secrets about past behavior are not good nor productive for building a good solid marriage.

Considering his job...late night call outs are in order. BUT...he should be keeping you informed if he stays longer then was expected...this is common respect for spouse. So you may need a discussion about what is expected of him about keeping you informed of his plans. jmho (Just as you should inform him of your whereabouts and activities during the day.)

Many affairs are indeed done during working hours. My H's being one of them. When you figure that most of our waking and productive hours are spent outside the home with many other people, this is not to be unexpected. A working and agreed upon discussion of boundaries may also be in order.

I sincerely hope that your H is just being a little bit foolish about what is expected of a newly married man...and btw...congrats on your marriage. Hopefully, there is no affair...but if it turns out that there is fire where this smoke has appeared, know that those of us here at MB are here to help in anyway we can.

You might want to look over some of the valuable information on site about ways of improving your and building a loving, strong, healthy marriage. This site isn't only about infidelity, it really has some great tools to help any marriage.

Good Luck!