I'm writing for the first time, but see so many people dealing with the same thing. What a horrible world we live in.
I caught WH at her house 4 weeks ago this Saturday night. He moved out at my request. We have a new born baby. He's been leaving me with the baby and spending time with her. He committed to cut it off after he was caught, but Saturday I got messages off of his cell phone that indicate she is calling giving her day to day routine..."went shopping," "hope your golf game was good," "love you baby," etc. I can't get her voice out of my head.
We agreed to devote 30 days to this family (even though he won't be sleeping at home with us). At that time, we'll decide where to go. I say I want out. He says please give him the 30 days. I'm talking to a counselor and friends. He's also seeing a counselor but refuses to confide in friends.
He says he's not returning calls and that she's the one still interested. She's a single mom (soon to be divorced) and wants this bad. She works with him but is leaving for a new job in a week. I'm going crazy.
We did the Basic Needs questionnaire together a week ago and we saw a number of areas where we didn't agree but most importantly agreed to work on them together. Tonight we're doing Love Busters.
Can anyone who's been through this horrible situation promise me it gets better? Every night when the baby cries and needs attention and I'm doing this alone, I want to strange him. Every day he's at work I'm scared he's seeing her. Do I believe him until proven guilty - again?
I can see us happy 2 years down the road, but I can't see dealing with today or tomorrow. So, again, anyone who's done this and come out on the other side stronger than before (as every book and article promises) please share your story - I'll accept e-mails directly or via this site. I'm weaker than ever and need a lift. My mind is racing and I need to find a grounding. Help!
____________
D-Day: 3/6/03
Married 3 years
One child 4 months
me: 35 him: 34

Yes, you and your H can overcome this and make a healthier, happier, and more loving marriage...IF...you both are willing to do the hard work of making this come true. It's not easy, it will be the hardest thing you've ever faced...but if your marriage is worth saving...then very rewarding also.

You're H should immediately change his cell phone number! He should do whatever is within his power to make any contact by this woman as difficult as possible. The fact that she is leaving for a new position is a very big plus! Most of us agree that past affair partners should never work together, if this means giving up a job, then so be it.

You must accept that your H will have no control over what this woman does, but he does have control over his reactions to what she does and he has the responsiblity of being completely honest with you about any contact which she might make.

While you may not want to hear her voice, you may also want to hear what messages she is leaving (I would). This is completely up to you and it is something you and your H should discuss. The sooner that she does not have that option of contacting him the better, however.

No, you won't be able to just "believe him" right now, he needs to be doing whatever he can to show you that he is committed to the marriage, to you and to your family. This is something which is going to take a LOT of time. It won't happen overnight.

You do NOT have to make a decision today, tomorrow or 30 days from now as to where you want to go from here, with him or without him. In fact, most advise that you do NOT make a decision while in such an emotional state, as those decisions are often not those with our best interests in mind.

Personally, I'd think about asking him to move back home, even if into a different bedroom. It's pretty hard to work on a marriage, when you are not under the same roof. jmho You also need help with your baby. BTW...congrats on the new little one! But of course, this is your decision and one you are best qualified to make.

As for my story....H had a short term affair with a co-worker, I discovered it, it ended immediately, I did just about everything wrong which a BS could do to began healing, but I was committed to my marriage and so was my H. We fought, cried, raged, loved and survived. Our marriage has improved because of all the hard work we both had to do to find healing and we both are aware of how strong our bond has been and continues to be.

You AND your H can overcome....the choice is if you both want to badly enough.

HiHopeful,
Is the SC for South Carolina?

I have seen many, many, success stories over the time I have been here on the MB site. Most don't hang around and continue to post. I have one link for you and hopefully others will come and see you too. I am sorry for the reason you are here but you can get support here.

I recommend you get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Harley. It will answer many of your questions and give you some steps to take to begin reconcillation.

I also recommend you call the Harleys for counseling.

Here is one story:

Lostva's story

Go about 6 down to Lostva's big post ( there is a small one only a few down, go past that.)

Here is another link that may be of use to you.
K's help for new members
K's helps for new members

I wish you all the best, and I'll pray for you and the success of your family.

SS

The cell number is changing! That is a huge step. We've agreed to counseling together after we do a few more sessions on our own. He is so not the type to go to a counselor, but is doing it. He's a guys guy who likes to go straight to the bar from his desk and sit there with the boys. That is the major change we are targeting over this set time period. The 30 days isn't to say end it or not, but a point at which we should look closely at where we've come. He is an incredible guy, but he's still a boy in a man's body. He thinks the weekend means that he should have scheduled time with the crew, not assume that he has family commitment.
I thank you both for your input. I'm going to keep my head up. I'm challenging myself to stay focused on the good days or hours. I've got to stop focusing on the bad. I hope I'm writing on this site in a few months as an example of how it can work. THANKS!

Hopeful-

Your M can survive the A and can end up being better than you ever imagined, there are lots of examples of that on this forum. However, it takes alot of hard work, patience, and persistence to get there. Sounds like you've got reasons for optimism as both of you are willing to work on things to varying degrees right? If you're willing to shoulder some of the blame and make positive changes in your own life you'll come out of this a better person!! Good luck and god bless from a fellow Palmetto state resident!

I don't know if this will help or not,but I really do believe that a M can become stronger after an A. I say this because my H had an A with my SISTER... I also asked him to move out and I was at home with two little ones (1 and 3 years old) After about two weeks I let him come back home... both for my sake as well as our kids. Needless to say it was not easy, but 10 months into recovery we have a better relationship than when we were dating!!! Neither of us has any contact with my sister, and we even moved away from her (we lived right down the street from her and her H).

10 months ago I thought my world was crumbling under my feet, now I feel like a better, stronger person with a better, stronger M. My feeling is that if you BOTH want your M to work, it will. You CAN get past this. It takes a lot of work, but will be worth it in the end!

Stay strong, and if it is possible for you, I would agree about having your H move back into the house. You have your hands full with a new baby (congrats!), and it will be easier to work on your M with your H there. Besides, you should have help with the baby!!!

I know I did not believe this when I heard it, but it WILL get better, no matter what the outcome, you will be ok!!!

Good luck!
mc needs your help!

Click on the link in my signature line to find out the path most successful couples take to recovery (including us).