Hi Everyone, I found this site today and feel compelled to share my story with the hope maybe I can find some answers..My husband told me about his affair about 7 weeks ago. Needless to say I am devasated. He has told me how sorry he is that he is causing me so much pain. He says he wants our marriage and our life together. I also want the same. He has already started counseling by himself first. The problem is he doesnt know if he can get past what he has done to me. Also he hasnt stopped seeing her. After weeks of letting him know that this is not acceptable, he finally went 1 week without seeing or talking to her. He was in alot of pain because of it. Finally, yesterday he came to me and told me he doesnt know how to stop seeing her and he needs my help with helping him get past all this. He has always told me I have been there for him and his of strength since the day we met. I guess he needs that same strength now. I have always been able to help but now I am at a lost. Has this ever happened to anyone? How do I do this?

<small>[ April 08, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Lisa0705 ]</small>

Lisa...so sorry! First..."Husband can't stop seeing her." BS...he WON'T stop seeing her! This is a choice! I'm not saying it an easy one, but often choices are not. If he wants his marriage with you...then he has to make a decision. JMHO

I do commend him for telling you about this affair and for getting into counseling...however...he has no right to have another woman in your marriage. Be his pillar of strength....that's fine...but don't allow him to make you a party/helpmate of his betrayal. If you don't set your boundaries...nothing well change. He needs to know that if he continues to see her, that he will not continue to see you. JMHO...not necessarily MB principles.

Good Luck!

Lisa, with the request from your H to help him, ask some questions: How does he/she contact him? If it is through cell phone or pager, change the numbers. If it is at work, that takes willpower from H. Do they work together? Maybe a new job. He is asking you to help him be accountable for his actions because at this point in time he is addicted to this person. Time, and you meeting his needs will change that. Once he is out of the FOG, and reality sets in, things will change and he will start to get strenght back.

For now, his admitting the A and asking you to help him are very encouring words. If you have read many notes from here, there are a lot of men that just don't want to stop, or just don't seem to care, they like the excitement the OW provides.

Read His Needs Her Needs, and find out what needs your H has so you can start meeting them.

Good Luck, praying for you.

Me,

Thanks for responding..The cell phone is turned off and has been for about 3 weeks. We are self-employed and have our own business. She knows his whereabouts most all day long. He has allowed this and it drives me nuts. They both call each other..he calls her cell and her house. He also sees her at her work..which by the way is an exotic dancer. Did I mention the man she has been involved with off and on for the past 8 years also knows about this. They have a child together. We are a blended family and have 5 children. I have been reading plan A and I not sure what I am suppose to do. We have filled out our EN quest. and have discovered a few things about each other. Right now I am trying to give him the space I feel he needs and trying to be understanding and thoughtful. I am trying to focus on us and why as opposed to OW. I feel that if I keep focusing on OW it will only drive him away. Like telling your kids they cant do something..it only makes them do it more. I would appreciate any advice..and any help with plan A. Thanks again

Lisa0705,

Self check on your self, very quick. On what you have done to create this environment. The answer maybe none. Whay I ask you to do this ?. I would like you to stop being doormat and enabling !. Read enabling links on my signature.

It is true that your husband can't stop seeing her cause of him. But it doesn't mean that you have to take this treatment. YOU ALLOOW HIM TO TREAT YOU THIS WAY. There is a thin line by being in the fog and intentionally to be in the fog. You do plan A, being a doormat while you are working on plan A for a WS that is in the fog. You do tough love for WS that knows what he does is wrong and continuing doing it !.

Learn how to talk fogese ...I gave you a liner here ...

WS: I love you but I can't stop seeing her.
You: Let me see, this is how much you love me and your love for me is not enough to make you to stop.

Of course you tell him in a very calm manner w/o angry outburst or judgemntal tone. You call his fog and don't buy it. You just help him to see his fog.

-rh-

Hi,

Thanks for the responses. I dont think H has seen or talked to OW since Friday. I am not 100% sure. Like I said I have been focusing on us. He always saw her on Tuesday nites because he worked late..he usually never came home before 4:00am. This past Tuesday I left a little note in his truck that simply stated.."I will miss tonight while you are working. Just want you to know I beleive in your always have and always will. I'll be waiting for you to come home tonight."
Well he came home normal time and told me he liked my little note. I guess I am asking if I am going about this right? This morning my H told me he feels very close to a breakdown..this is scaring me. Beside the A we have had financial problems with our business since October..oddly enough this is the same time he started sleeping with OW. My H has been on Paxil for about 1 1/2 for aniexty. These meds to me have contributed to problem between me and him. I feel they have shut him down emotionally to me which in turn I did the same to him. He doesnt think its the meds. He has tried to stop taking it but withdraw is terrible. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>My H has been on Paxil for about 1 1/2 for aniexty. These meds to me have contributed to problem between me and him. I feel they have shut him down emotionally to me which in turn I did the same to him. He doesnt think its the meds. He has tried to stop taking it but withdraw is terrible. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell him not to stop Paxil unless prescribed by doctor and also has to be taken slowing down, not cold turkey. Actually Paxil made me not able to concentrate, I was a computer programmer and I have to stop it. Side effect for male is sexual prolong, unable to reach orgasm. It is bad for him but good for you. Please seek adevice from his doctor, there are many others anti anxiety/depressant that don't carry such impact. However Paxil doesn't make you emotionally unavailable, I don't beleive others too. It evens loosen me up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> .

IMVHO. It just witdrawal phase from OW, you have no choice but learn how to replace ENs that has vacated by OW.

-rh-

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Thanks Red..Today was really bad..H told me he has still been talking to OW and they now send e-mails. H and I have decided to be completely open and honest with each other about everything. Today I also found her last name and where she lives. I rode by her house today..dont really know why except for the fact if I ever need to get a hold of my husband I know where he is at. I told H I rode by her house and he hung up on me. Its now 3:00 am and the OW just called me and wanted to know my intentions for riding by. I said there was none except for I needed to know where my H is if I needed him. She threatened me with a restraining order. She also told me "obviously my H was not happy with me anymore." My H was sitting there the whole time. It is so devastating that he allowed her to say those things to me. I feel as though he has made his choice and I should just give up. Anyone please help I am at a lost!

No No No No...don't give up yet. Since its only been 7 weeks since this affair was discovered, I hate to say you have a long way to go so lets not get impatient (We all do as we want this to end as soon as possible and for everything to get back to "Normal')

The other woman is obviously controlling him. And whats worst, he is letting her. He is in his "fog" for her still. But there is hope. He seemed to be coming around and then had a relapse. So what to do? steady the course, be calm (well at least try) loving, but firm. Hard to hate someone who is nice and it makes it easy for him to justify his actions if you become a real B***H. So, let the other woman show her true colors instead. And I would say that phone call from her was just that..sounds like SHE is the one feeling threatened and probably because he has been talking about YOU. So just keep reading, learning and take each day one at a time, and yes, it takes time, so hang in there. We are here if you need us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks for the words of encouragement. My H finally came home from her house this morning at 6:30am. I told him I could not beleive he sat there and said nothing to her while she was talking to me on the phone. He told me he was getting a ration of s#$T from her to last night, in the form of how and why did you let this happen. Meaning me finding out her last name and address. I asked him if he tells her he loves her and after weeks of already knowing the answer he finally admitted he does. He cant tell me he loves me unless I say it first. I told him that and he says that is totally untrue. I cant remember the last time he said I love you first. We have been trying to focus on us and everything I have asked him to read with me he has. Today he told because of what I did by driving by her house has totally made him second guess everything I have said. I told him it was instinct and curiosity..which I am not sure if he totally understands. He says he is not mad at me and has not right to be mad at me because he is the reason for all of this. Do I continue to let him keep seeing and talking to her? I knew he cant stop cold turkey. I was thinking maybe I ask him to go 1 day without talking to her and then if felt the need to talk to her call her the next. Then ask for him to go 2 days without talking to her and so on and so on. What does anyone think..I am so confused right now..I feel he is trying to give me every possible reason to throw his a## out.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. My H finally came home from her house this morning at 6:30am. I told him I could not beleive he sat there and said nothing to her while she was talking to me on the phone. He told me he was getting a ration of s#$T from her to last night, in the form of how and why did you let this happen. Meaning me finding out her last name and address. I asked him if he tells her he loves her and after weeks of already knowing the answer he finally admitted he does. He cant tell me he loves me unless I say it first. I told him that and he says that is totally untrue. I cant remember the last time he said I love you first. We have been trying to focus on us and everything I have asked him to read with me he has. Today he told because of what I did by driving by her house has totally made him second guess everything I have said. I told him it was instinct and curiosity..which I am not sure if he totally understands. He says he is not mad at me and has not right to be mad at me because he is the reason for all of this. Do I continue to let him keep seeing and talking to her? I knew he cant stop cold turkey. I was thinking maybe I ask him to go 1 day without talking to her and then if felt the need to talk to her call her the next. Then ask for him to go 2 days without talking to her and so on and so on. What does anyone think..I am so confused right now..I feel he is trying to give me every possible reason to throw his a## out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>What does anyone think..I am so confused right now..I feel he is trying to give me every possible reason to throw his a## out.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't do that. According to MB and supported by many WS, every contact would bring H to zero point again in withdrawal.

This is my 2¢. You have to push him to decide if you want to have any chance of healthy recovery in your M. You are almost telling me "I don't car a s!ht no more and throw his @ss out". Alot of MBer will disagree with me and tell you to do plan A ... I would tell you to do tough love. Why ? if A is full blown and H know he hurt you and he know he could come back home but continue his action ... you are enabeling A !. This is my oppinion. I would tell him without LB, keep your voice & posture out from anger, sit him down and tell him that you love him, you would like to work on M and you beleive that M could be restore to a fullfiling M but until he ammends you by writing NC, go to MC and let you monitor all his activity & $ those would not possible. Ask him what he would do to you if you are the one having A and don't stop seeing OM. Then he would do ? Tell him that this continues disrepect would take away love you have to him and take away your hope for this M. You don't violate plan A, you don't LB, you just being honest to yourself and tell him about it.

Pain is given but misery is optional. The longer you drag this, the bolder WH is and the harder M would recover. Just look at Orchid !, up to the other day his WH has to earn his position to be H again b/c of contact.

This A is out of your control but you set yourself for his treatment to you now and in the future. H know A is wrong (he stoped it)and he know A won't work (he came back) ... by doing tough love (plan B) you help him to see and make choice. Talk to H first, then draft your plan B or what would you do in "tough love". You are going to need it to push him out from fence, only you know it. I would do it yesterday.

-rh-

Thanks Red..H and I have been talking for the 2 hrs. about everything. I asked him if he wanted the A to continue. He said no..I then asked him if he couldnt end it because he did not know how. He said yes..I then asked him was that because of the feelings she has for you..he said that had something to do with it. But when we start talking about A he gets frustrated because he thinks we always end back at her. I keep trying to tell him I am trying to understand what is going on the best I can. I have told him I do not beleive we can start working on us fully until it is over. All we seemed to accomplish is that he said this cant go on another day. Whatever that means..he has said that before and ends up talking,seeing and sleeping with her. I have a question...We have maintained a active,fullfuling and frequent sex life thru all this..is this unusual?? Sex is not and never has been a problem in our relationship..I guess I dont understand if he says he loves her how he can continue to sleep with me. I asked him the other day if he felt like he was cheating on her when we sleep together..he said "no!" without hesitation. Is this a good or bad sign..any opinions?

I really dont know what your H is waiting for ..
if he really wanted to end the A he will do it , he thinks is gonna hurt her fellings ?? or he feels something for her ?? he needs to get his act straight with you , you can't be on and off game , now OW is calling you ?? i guess i feel this way because i caught mi H on almost the same position , while i was 7 months pregnant , i felt so angry , so humilliated , he ended the A inmediatly,but he knew waht he would've lost , hope everything works out for you , only thing that i can tell you is that you are a valuable person ,your kids need you strong , men come and goes but you really truly love are your children , i got that very clear now , you are not alone !! be strong , and hope everything works out for you and your H...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>I have a question...We have maintained a active,fullfuling and frequent sex life thru all this..is this unusual?? Sex is not and never has been a problem in our relationship..I guess I dont understand if he says he loves her how he can continue to sleep with me. I asked him the other day if he felt like he was cheating on her when we sleep together..he said "no!" without hesitation. Is this a good or bad sign..any opinions?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Easy, you probably fullfill his SF and OW probably fillin other EN(s). What you need to do is get conseling. Tell him about this web site and print out "how A should ends" (NC is requirement). Tell him that his feeling is normal (withdrawal) and both of you have to finds out what ENs that is going to be vacated by OW and your duty is fullfill it. Ask him to fill in ENQ & LBQ and fill one for yourself too. Get a copy of SAA and give it to him.

-rh-

<small>[ April 12, 2003, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Both RH & JG have given you some great advice , this can all be so confusing looking into the eyes of someone you know so well yet , there different and you really want to belive evry word that comes out of there mouth cause yur basing it on the person you know .

Some of that is true , only you know him best .

BUT I will give you advice from my own personal experiance , LISTEN to what JAZZYGIRL just said, to you .

DO NOT FOCUSE ON A ,this will push him in that derction . He is looking for resaons to feel validated for seeong OW still .

If he thinks you can't get past this and that is all your focused on he will not feel safe to make that leap.

YOU need a PLAN and stay with it , set the time frame and do it .
I have been going through this for well almost a YEAR , in that time I flip flopped around LB all the time and focusing on H & OW .

All this time wasted , NOW in a sold PLAN A and a dead line to go to PLAN B .

1- It must be for you , witch in turn will become about the M .

2- You can not change him , only yourself .

3-YOU can not end this A for him , only make him fell loved and know you are willing to work on m when the contact ends .

PLease PLAN A and DO NOT get wrapped up into there A . If you do he will eventually become a full blown CAKE EATER .

YOUR dead line from PLAN A to PLAN B is up to the indivdual and how well you feel your PLAN A is going .

WHEN you know in your head, heart , and solo you did evrything you could , with out loosing all the love you have for him .

But from experiance and others I am sure can tell you having this in your face every day can take a toll on you . It is not a healthy way to live .

PLAN A is hard work and not LB when A is on going is even harder .

BE STRONG figure out what you want and take care of your self and most important SELF- ESTEM

THE A IS HIS CHOICE YOU DID NOT AND ARE NOT RESPONSIABLE FOR THAT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM!!!

JMVHO

Everyone has given you great advice. One thing that wasn't mentioned was that you need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The ow is a stripper and many of them are prostitutes and get involved with strip club clients for cash.
As bad as this sounds it will also work against your H having a long term relationship with her. Do you think he can stand sharing a women with other men? Do you think he would be proud to introduce a stripper to his friends, family and co-workers? I don't think so.

Thanks Jazzy, crowd and Deb

I am trying real hard not to focus on A..but it is so difficult. I want to Plan A but I am not sure how to go about it. We have filled out EN quest. and have learned somethings about each other. He says he wants to work on M. I just dont know how he can say that when he tells her he loves her and continues to see, talk and sleep with her. I have been tested for stds and everything can back fine. My Doc said I have to be tested again in 3 months and then again in 3 months. I have made that very same point to him..about who she is with..I know she has slept with the father of her child since she started sleeping with my H. God only knows who hes been with. It doesnt seem to bother my H. He said her ex is around all the time and he doesnt care. Shouldnt that tell him something. Right now I am taking it day by day but have no idea where this will end up. Like right now he went out to return movies and I know he is going to talk to her and then come and watch a movie with me while we lay together on the couch. I just dont get it. Should I give him the space and time to realize this must end. How much time do I allow. I feel as though I am giving him permission to continue this behavior. Everyone has given me great advice I just dont know if I am applying it correctly. Please reply thanks