Thanks Jazzy,

It sounds as though you know exactly what I am going through. I also have lost about 30lbs. since D-day which was Feb 14, 2003, also our anniversary. I have tried to be as loving and understanding as possible then something happens and it totally messes me up emotionally, then the anger sets in again. But last night after he dropped the movies off (he didnt get another by the way), we were doing a crossword on the computer and OW sent him a IM. He clicked off screen and said sorry to me. I said it was okay. We finished our crossword and I went to bed. He sat down here talking to her on the computer for about 15minutes and went outside to talk to her on the phone for about another 15minutes. He then came to bed. He was obviously upset when he came to bed. He keept sighing and we really didnt say anything to each other except he asked what time I set the alarm for. Normally when something like this would happen I would go ballistic asking him how he could do such a thing and what did they talk about. But last night I did not say a word, nor did I say anything this morning about last night. I really have said nothing to him since right before the IM came in. As he left for work today he asked me if I was mad at him, very calmly I said "not at all." Then he left. I understand how important it is to focus on me right now but it is so hard. We are a blended family and have five children. We also have our own business, which has suffered terribly of late. Our children together are 3yrs and 20months, so they keep me quite busy. But I am going to have to make sure I make time for me everyday like you suggested. As far as A. he says they are in love with other. He also says the way we are living cant continue, but he cant end it, why he doesnt know. Twice in the past month OW has told me that H does not want me anymore and is not happy with me. She said havent I figured that out yet. Yesterday I asked him if he has told her those things and he said no. I then asked him how he could allow her to say those things to me about our life. He said it kinda puts him in a awkard position. He also has told me there has never been any expectations from either of them on each other. I find that hard to beleive because I feel once you say I love you there are expectations automatically. It is strange to me because in one breathe my H says he is taking this day by day and in the next he is talking about something in the future. Ex: yesterday he was talking about being able to take our two little ones to the beach this summer. We both love the beach. He has told what he is doing is wrong he just cant stop it. Is this total disrespect for me and our family and our life? Talk to soon thanks

Well its Wednesday and I have gone three days without asking anything about OW. I know he is still talking and seeing her. But I am not going to ask like before, I would ask everyday if there was contact. I cannot continue to do that to myself and my family..they need a strong Mommy. I have been doing what I want the past three days and feeling alot better. I just bought SAA today and started reading it. My WH said he would read it with me. I have realized that I can not make WH do anything he does not want to do..or at least what he thinks he does not want to do. Therefore, I am focusing on me...but at the same time I am not forgetting about H. I am trying to be the nicest person possible..supportive, understanding, no LB's. My H thinks I am up to something. He also told me he thought I have been very distance from him the past 3 days. I dont thin I have. Could it be he said that because I have stopped obsessing about A? Any thoughts appreciated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>My H thinks I am up to something. He also told me he thought I have been very distance from him the past 3 days. I dont thin I have. Could it be he said that because I have stopped obsessing about A? Any thoughts appreciated.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your no LB is working and your plan A is working <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . You contaminated your M with obsession of A ... now you 've stoped it, he notice the diff. Let him read SAA, it is good for him. I hope it should shed some light into his head. You are doing good.

-rh-

Yes he said, it cause you went 3 days without talking about A .
See they can't make up ther minds they don't want you to talk about it and when you don't they get scared that you don't care any more . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This is haw a LB is created(JMVHO)
They confuse you into not knowing how they want you to act and they take the BS off corse of there plan .

I posted to you once I told you I am in very simalar situation for far to long .

STAY on corse do not talk about A , If he wants to talk be there for him . Forget about what they do or say to oneanother , what ever it is is wrong there is no valide excuse for it anyway .

Make him feel safe to comeback 100% and know your limits , this in your face contact is harder then ,ws being gone , there is nothing wrong knowing when you had enough and your at the end .

PLAN B the min. you feel your loosing yourself or all consept of right from wrong .

JMVHO stay strong , do things you enjoy and find new things you may enjoy !!! YOU CAN NEVER be lonely when your with someone who loves you ,,YOURSELF ..

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I have felt really good the last 3 days and I think WH has noticed that. Yesterday he had a very enlightening cousellor session. His exact words. He said he doesnt know whether it was good or bad. I think he is still processing all of it. I relly didnt ask what it was all about..I just told him I was there for him if and when he needs to talk. Today when he came home from work we talked about our business and the changes we think have to be made. He then asked me to lay with him and he also asked for a couple of hugs. He seemed much more focused on me today than he has in a long time. I hope I am just not imagining this. Still not one word about A. I am really pround of myself and I really feel I can continue this. Well talk to everyone soon.

Okay everybody..I need a little help. It is 5:00am on Friday morning and WH is over OW house. I have gotten some sleep..usually I just stay up all night and go crazy. I know no one will read this till the morning and by then he will be home and I will have to face him all alone. I have been doing well since Monday and I think he noticed a difference in me. He has been very aggravated this week..not with me but in general. I guess he has talked to her all week..but I think this is the first time he has seen her since last Thursday night/Friday morning. I knew this afternoon when he left for work he was not coming home tonight..he was telling me how angry he was at everything and everyone today. He said nothing specific happened he just wasnt doing really well today. I guess when he comes home I will just keep my emotions in check..even though this will be extrememly difficult. I dont even know what to say to him. If I dont say anything does it look like I dont care anymore? If I say something to him I will surely LB. I guess I will continue to do what I have been doing. Being strong for myself and my children. He is the one that has to live with himself. Any thoughts.

My heart goes out to you. My WH does exactly the same thing, and I am left with having to be "strong". It is so unfair that as the victims we have to be strong. We should be the one who is constantly being worried about. My advice, and I am finding it just as difficult as you are, is to not dwell on anything and clear your head. God, it is so difficult because I have so many setbacks. However, yesterday was Day 1 of no contact for me. I made it. He called my parents house twice (where my kids and I are living at the moment). I made my daughter say that I hadn't returned from work and then had my mother repeat 1/2 hour later. No contact is my best bet. It is now 9:36am est and I have not picked up the phone. I occasionally drift and think, but I have been trying to keep busy.

Exercise, eat right, plan something to do with your kids over the holiday weekend and try (as hard and painful as it is) NOT to think about him. Remember that you are his WIFE and with that title comes RESPECT. Do not disrespect yourself by worrying over what he is doing and with whom. Worry about yourself and how you are going to be a better and stronger person. When you start to feel good about yourself, others will reciprocate in kind. Please, be strong. I know it is the most difficult as it has been six months since my D-Day and in the last week of exercising daily, taking care of myself and recognizing my self worth, I have adopted an entirely new attitude. If and when he emerges from the MB termed state of "fog" then you'll see a different man. Let the little fantasy play out; he'll realize that it is only an illusion and one which really doesn't have a happy ending.

Thanks Karena..Well it is now 12noon est. H came home about 6:15am. I said nothing about where he was and he offered no explanations. He did not work today. He went to meedt his mom to look at acar for her. Right before he left he told me he had lied about something to me. Our cell phones have been shut off for about 1 month now because we have a $750.00 bill he mostly ran up talking to OW. Right before he left he told me he got a cell phone about a week ago. The bill is being sent to Pete's house. After he left I called him and really laid into him. I told him how insensitive and inconsiderate he was. I ride around with our kids and I dont have a cell phone anymore because of him. By the way the unpaid bill is in my name and about to go into collections. I am soooo angry at him right now I cant see straight. He also told me by me not mentioning A all this week, he thought that was not very good. I just dont know if I can live with him anymore. Please help.

Lisa....oooh, you too. I received one of those whopping phone calls and my WH had the nerve to tell me that it was just a friendship....did he think the bolts in my neck needed re-oiling. Listen, unfortunate as it is, we are in a club which, in the beginning,is littered with deceit, degredation, hurt and pain. I've had the OW call the cops on me and my WH told me that if my sister hadn't called her, she wouldn't have called the police on me....imagine that. I did all the threatening, called his job, etc., etc. Believe it or not, in a few weeks, you will feel a bit better and realize that it really doesn't make a difference. My WH, six months into his little illusion, is still vascillating. As a matter of fact, I did the same as you are doing; being the biddable wife, not arguing, not screaming, not demoralizing (as this was his main reason for betrayal...haha)....then, after two weeks of having mature conversations, enjoying each other's company, etc., etc., he springs this..."You know K...at least when you fight and there is emotion, you know you care for one another....however, in the past two weeks since we haven't fought..it's like, there is nothing between us." You know what, instead of getting angry, I laughed, and laughed...so hard in fact, that I started crying hysterically. I came to the reaslization that, no matter what I did, said, purchased, cried, etc., etc., the only person who was and is going to stop the affair is the WS and the only person who truly has control of their life is the BS. Lisa, I know your pain, I still experience it six months later, but you know what, I am the reason I am in pain. I ALLOW him to do this to me....do not, no matter how much you love him (and trust me, I love my husband), let him mentally abuse you by vascillating between you and OW. You are his wife and be proud that you maintained your dignity and respect throughout this ordeal. OW are, not matter what the WH believe, in it for their own gratification; once the WS realizes his mistake, no wife, no children, no home, no respect, he'll be back...trust me.

Thanks Guys,

Jazzy would it be okay if I e-mail you? I feel as though I need to tell him either NC with OW or NC with us. As far as the money and the cell phones..we are self-employed and have been having severe financial difficulties since October. Oddly enough this is when this A became sexual. he has all the money I only know what he gives me and then I pay the bills. I have had a hard time paying the mortgage, health ins. car and truck payments let alone the cell phone. Also my H has two children from a previous relationship and we are 4 months behind in CS. He has a court date for that in about 2 weeks. I know he is going to get slammed. Everything is just falling apart around us...I dont know how to stop it. I swear I think its time to have a heart to heart with the OW. Nothing nasty just a matter of fact conversation. I say this because when he was home this morning H could not keep his hands off of me and kept telling how sexy i looked to him today. This after he f@#$!d her last night. I dont get it. About a month ago he told me she was much more jealous of me than I was of her. I wonder what he tells her? ex: like he is not sleeping with me. We have been an average of 3-4 times a week since D-Day. Our business is in my name but ran by him. Does she know he has cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had. Something he just told me about 2 weeks ago. God, if I knew that before I think I would had ran so fast the other way. I am soooo confused right now! You guys are right I guess I should start going beserk about the A. I just feel as though I can not put myself through that all the time. I have 3 kids to worry about. All I can manage to say to him of late is why he keeps doing this to me. I know why..its because he is not in love with me anymore and he just cant admit. He said to me last week how emotionally fragile I was about our relationship. If he is not telling me truth about his feeling because of this I will strangle him. I already said that to him. I told him it was worst for him not to say anything to me because then my mind wanders. I feel like he is a big coward and I am going to tell him that when he comes home. I swear he wants me to tell him to leave therefore he wont feel as guilty about. I know if I tell him to go he will never be back. He has always told me that during our relationship. Sorry so long but I am just beside myself right now. Please Help..doesnt that just sound so pathetic.

Jazzey..got it..thanks talk to you soon

im in a similar situation , i was seeing a young lady too, and im trying to put her behind me and it so difficult, my wife is trying to help me get thru it,but i cant help myself wondering how she is and if she misses me as much as i miss her, she moved to another state and changed her phone number so i cant call her anymore, i told her i wanted to work things out with my family and shes respecting it, but me, icant seem to let her go , even though i know its wrong. Am i in love with her or is my emotions out of control, i havent made love with my wife , cause all i see is the other lady in my mind. My wife is hurt for what i did, and yet i still cant stop myself, im getting counseling from a pastor,it helps me for awhile ,but then my feellings come bac.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>Hi Everyone, I found this site today and feel compelled to share my story with the hope maybe I can find some answers..My husband told me about his affair about 7 weeks ago. Needless to say I am devasated. He has told me how sorry he is that he is causing me so much pain. He says he wants our marriage and our life together. I also want the same. He has already started counseling by himself first. The problem is he doesnt know if he can get past what he has done to me. Also he hasnt stopped seeing her. After weeks of letting him know that this is not acceptable, he finally went 1 week without seeing or talking to her. He was in alot of pain because of it. Finally, yesterday he came to me and told me he doesnt know how to stop seeing her and he needs my help with helping him get past all this. He has always told me I have been there for him and his of strength since the day we met. I guess he needs that same strength now. I have always been able to help but now I am at a lost. Has this ever happened to anyone? How do I do this?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Lisa!!!

The affair when it ends has to end only one way!!!

Your husband cannot see her, talk to her or even be in the same room!!!!

I was either going to resign or did what I probably had to do, purposely get fired from work becuase the woman I had the affair with at work had started a new affair with a supervisor.

In the end, I was so emotionally distraught over the situation that I caused problems for her new intrest and herself.

The affair,once discovered takes on a life of it's own and all rules become obsolete. In other wods, the person that gave you so much affection and love during the affair, becomes a monster/

NO CONTACT ME NO CONTACT!!