SIL called tonight and left a message while we were out buying beds so we can fit the new baby in in the spring. I have had a really bad day to begin with, very emotional and felt H was trying to see how hard or far he could push my ability to trust. She left this message that she was coming tomorrow to his office to collect $5 for the calander. I asked him what she meant and he said that his B and S and their spouses had gotten together to do a grandparent calander for the In laws. They picked out pics of the two younger ones, the ones H and I had had together. The problem is my 14 year old has NEVER been accepted by them and this has bothered me for years. H was with me since she was 3-he has always been her dad but they have never accepted her and I know that they didn't include her in this mess.<BR>It bothers me that they expect us to pay for something they created without our input and without asking us a by your leave. I know that my kids will probably have the least amount of space as well as the jerkiest pics in them and I won't have anything to say about it. I expressed this and he looked at me as if I was wigged out. He truly didn't even try to understand my anger over this. He said" It's only a calander, don't get so emotional about it." He doesn't understand how much it hurts to go over to their house and see this crap where my two youngest are good enough for them but my other 2 daughters and myself are mud. ONLY A CALANDER??? 11 years of this sh*t! I am sick to death of always being the one to not say anything to keep the peace and putting up with being treated by them as a second class citizen. <BR>I feel betrayed once more, he has chosen their side once more without realizing the implications of what they are doing and his acceptance of this tells them how much my daughters and I really mean to him. He swore that he would support me with them but once more he's doing whatever his family wants and I'm sick of being second in his life. I want someone who is going to put me first and understand my needs. I want someone who will stand besides me and ALL of my children. I am loosing ground again and it hurts that he doesn't understand where I am coming from. <BR>I know that things will look better in the morning and I know that I have to handle this emotion better but it just hurts. I just have to be more patient and try to talk to him about this when I am calmer, not the raging volcano I feel inside! God Bless<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Vent all you need to, Bren. It would bother me to death too. I've been much luckier that my in-laws have been very careful to include my daughter (not H's natural child) in everything. I don't know how I could stand it if they didn't.<P>I'm so sorry it's been like this for you. He understands too, you know. He just doesn't want to take a stand. That's my guess anyway.<P>Lori

Lostva-thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I think that's what hurts so badly is that he doesn't want to make that stand with them and I feel basically unsupported. My ex-husband has had nothing to do with my two older daughters since the day he left and I thank God for that because he was walking abuse. His parents don't like me because I am catholic and divorced, I think they would rather I had stayed with the bum and let him kill me (I only weighed 82 pounds when he was done and was pretty black and blue for along time after he left). I just don't understand these "CATHOLIC" people and how they can treat children so shabbily. But I am glad someone out there understands, thank you.<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Chick's<BR>How are you today? I stopped by to check up and my heart is breaking for you. I only have a minute right now. Wanted to tell you How much I understand that ugly "It's only..." phrase.<BR>I heard it last weekend in reference to all the triggers H flashes in front of me. "It's only a belt, shirt, chair...."<BR>That's the way they see things. I wish he would stand up for you. You have feelings and they are justified.<BR>Gotta run. Check on you later.

PARDON?!?!?!?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> just don't understand these "CATHOLIC" people and how they can treat children so shabbily. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How incredibly prejudiced and offensive! FWIW, my parents are Catholic and they have been loving, giving, sharing parents! I know LOTS of people who are Catholic who are great people & parents!!! <P>I can't believe you could say something so incredibly offensive and prejudiced. Is it just Catholics that you hate, or are there any other ethnic/religious groups you choose to say something hateful and untrue about?!?!?<P>I find your statements and attitude offensive in the extreme!!!<P>TAKE YOUR PREJUDICE AND HATRED ELSEWHERE!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Elixer<BR>I don't think that Chick's meant to offend anyone. I read her post and believe that she is Catholic? and was commenting on how the parents who preach are not accepting of her. <BR>The parents have somewhat of a hypocritical attitude? <BR>Are you Catholic Elixer?<BR>I certainly am and I always will be. Spent a great part of my childhood in the church, convent etc. <BR>I was named after my Aunt the mother Superior. <BR>Guess what - the most hypocritical people I know just happen to be Catholic. some of the nicest people I know as well. Not knocking Catholicism, just hypocrites.<BR>Have a Merry Christmas!<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited December 17, 1999).]

chick's,<P>boy can I understand where you are comming from! I have children from my first marriage, so does my H. My mother treats them all the same...his children, my children, and our children. My mother has a set amount she spends on each child for b-days, x-mas, ect. However, my MIL comes here on b-days and x-mas with piles and piles of presents for H's children, 1-2 very small cheap-o presents for my children, and something in between for our children. SHe can't stand me, and therefore takes it out on her own grandchildren (mine and H's together). My grandmother is this way, too (she is Catholic, btw) She goes all out for my children, but doesn't buy anything for my step children..which really bother's me. But then again, this is something I am used to. My step-grandparents (my mother married my step father 18 years ago, when I was 10 years old) give to my step brothers (their 'real' grandchildren) generously...but not to me...and it has always been that way. For instance, this year they decided to get money, as they are 'too old' to shop (their feelings, not ours). My step brothers and all their cousins got $150.00...I got $10.00. I just blow it off now, and send a nice Thank-You note...but for many years growing up, it really hurt me. My situation is different, though, as my H has told him mother that if she can't treat ALL of the children the same, then she needn't be a part of their lives at all. This was a recent thing, so we will see what Christmas brings. <P>Hang in there...<P>Gabbie

Elixir-not only am I a devoted Catholic but I am a christian, which I think is more important. The reason his family didn't accept me is because they didn't accept my annulment from the church as valid. They believe that once married, always married to this person. I am sure if my FIL found out that my H had had this affair he would freak out and start preaching even though he doesn't recognize the marriage.<BR>I don't think I need to apologize for the statements, I think you need to re-read them and understand that I hate the hypocracy of their preaching the Catholic faith to someone who is really devoted to the church and then acting the way they do.<BR>Gabbie-this has been going on for 11 years. The last few I had totally separated from dealing with his family and their dollar store gifts to my two older girls and the 20-30 dollar gifts that my younger girls receive. I can't fault them for wanting to give more to their true grandchildren, but I can fault them for treating my SO SO SO shabbily that its apparent to everyone, including the girls. My two oldest girls probably benefit better from this experience only in they have developed a sense of tolerance and forgiveness but still it hurts them so therefore it hurts me. This isn't a christian attitude, it is pure maliciousness. I pray for the patience to forgive them every year and hope my H can fathom a way to resolve this without too much more difficulty. <BR>His parents have these names of grandchildren made of wood on their mantle. Every time we go over my 13 year old has to look and see if she's been added yet. IT HURTS! And she is ADHD and doesn't understand why she's not there. We have planned that once the baby is born we will have 3 wooden names done to give to them and ask that they either put all on the mantle or nothing. This was his idea and I stand beside it, he has had to deal numerous times with the hurt the 13 yr old has, he is angry about it but too christian like myself to dishoner his parents.<BR>God Bless.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

I know that after you vented here you have a new post and are calmer now, but I can' resist a suggestion, but of course I have no idea of how difficult your relationship with you in-laws can be (& I don't want to sound like a preacher, either).<P>The suggestion is to (first) forgive them in your heart, we all have to respond for our actions; (second) make deposits in their love bank- we all have one, and if it works with a betrayer it certainly could work with other people; (third) make love deposits everywhere even if people don't seem to notice, they may will and if not, your children (all) will have a happier mother.<P>Take care, wish you & your family the best this season.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Hi,<BR>I read that your mail is getting returned from my email address, I don't understand. Here is my address again.<BR>mncon99@yahoo.com<P>Bren- Went through the same thing recently. My husband has been a father to my daughter for the last 10 years. His mom and dad are grandma and grandpa to my daughter, she is now 20. She thinks of them in this way.<P>Recently the family put together a grandmother necklace with all the kids birthstones. His sister called me and wanted $5 for our share. She did not include my daughter, or sons. She said she only included the biological grandchildren. She did happen to include an adopted grandchild, but not my daughter - who is a stepgrandchild. It burned me up.<P>I was mad for my daughter's sake, and I was mad at my sister in law, and I got mad at my husband.... Well, I was misplacing blame onto my husband. Sure, he could have said something - but my mistake was judging how my husband felt about me by how he responded to this issue. Well, the simple fact is - that this is not his concern, and he has never stuck up for how I feel - and probably never will. But to judge that he didn't care about me because he didn't stick up for me was MY mistake. It set ME up for failure. <P>Well, probably this is something that - yes you have legitimately been slighted - and your children. It is YOUR issue, and not your husband's. It does NOT mean that he doesn't care about you.<P>I think it is time you learned to tell your inlaws how things make you feel - honestly, and then forgive them and move on. Some day they will realize what they have done. But it is going to take a loving heart to turn that around.<P>Hang in there. You'll be feeling back to your good old giving loving self soon. Do something nice for the family - kill 'em with kindness.<P>TNT

Connie-it sounds really good and really easy doesn't it? I had explained earlier that before this past year I went a year or two without contact. That was because prior to that I deposited love left and right and got it thrown right back in my face. I had numerous people, including OW tell me it was worthless to do what I had been doing. I think your right in that I need to be honest with them instead of burying my anger about the injustice of the situation. I was trying for years to not make waves, to put up with the snide remarks, how his step mother would stomp out of the room when I came over and not come back out until I left, how my H kept pulling me to these family events and I was so unhappy because I felt like I couldn't tell him to stop throwing me in their face, they wouldn't change their attitude about me and it wouldn't ever make a difference as long as she felt like not receiving me in her home. I have tried praying to forgive her and have just worn out with my patience. I was even told by his grandmother that it was useless, that she was wicked and would never come around. Personally, I love his grandmother and would be happy to only have a relationship with her. His grandmother said that his mother would turn over in her grave if she knew how <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Sorry, guess I was too long winded and they cut me off! Anyhow, this is one of those things that since we've been in recovery we've been trying to handle and deal with together and I think that was why I was so upset, he had made this decision without thinking about me or about the consequences of his actions and how they would be interpreted by siblings. I am praying every day for patience in dealing with them and this whole situation-in some ways this torments me much more than the affair because I can't seem to resolve the issues within myself. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>