I have been having a physically and emotionally satisfying affair for 4 months with a coworker. After much discussion and pain we ended the affair today. Thankfully I found this website a few weeks ago which has helped considerably.

I am still in love with him and not sure that I can continue with my husband. I realize that Dr Harvey says to tell your husband but I cannot do this without fear of losing everything. The shame and anger from everyone around me is not something I can bear yet... Not to mention how hurt my husband would be.

I am still in love with the person I had an affair with and am not positive I want it to work with my husband. This is incredibly selfish I know. Is this normal to feel?

Another point to mention, the person I was having the affair with is married also. We both have 1 year old boys with our respective spouses. We feel like we have fallen in love but neither of us want to leave our respective spouses right now. We have decided not to see each other for 1 month and hopefully these feelings will subside and we can get some perspective before we do anything rash.

We work together... therefore, avoiding each other for more than a month will be tough. I know I should quit but I dont want to leave a job I have had for 6 years, especially if I will eventually need the income if my husband and I separate.

Everything that Dr Harvey says makes sense if you want to stay together. But what happens when people cannot work it out? Is it possibly my husband and I are just not compatible?

The problems with my spouse mainly relate to sexual fufillment and have been there since we were married. With the emotional distance this has gotten worse. I was never attracted to him the way that I feel about the person I am having the affair with. Coming from a broken home and a string of bad relationships, I thought stability was the most important thing and my husband is stable, reliable, loving and a family man.

Now I have found I cannot live without sexual fufillment. The lack of sexual interest on my part has driven a wedge between us. I am not physically attracted to him and never really have been. We have discussed this alot but can come to no resolution. Now I cant even let him touch me without feeling very uncomfortable.

Also, add another thing to our stack of issues he is Jewish and wanted me to convert when we were married which I did. He was from a wealthy background and I was a small town blue collar background. These dont mesh well.

I love my career and deep down although he would never admit it I believe he would really rather I be a stay at home mom... I don't think he loves the real me.

The person I am having the affair with comes from a similar background as I do, similiar social economic class and we have more in common on the surface. He seems to get me and appreciate me for who I am. I am also extremely physically attracted to him and enjoy the same activities. Seems to be a match made in heaven other than the fact we are married and have children with other people who we are not going to leave.

I think my husband would except me despite our differences and he wants to work this out. I have been distant over the past months and he has been supportive thinking I may be chemically depressed.

He wants to seek therapy. I just dont know what to do. There seems to be no way to happiness. I have read Dr Harvey's guide but dont know if it applies or if I want to apply it. I just want to be me and feel like I am going to explode in this life.

Help.

Julia T,

All excuses that you write here we call it fog ... finding a reason to justify your behavior. I leave it for later to point it out but please answer my question ... what make both of you end the A ?. Bear with me. -rh-

If you cannot be honest with your husband, then you really do not have much respect for your marriage.

He deserves the right to know of your affair and decide what to do with his life when he receives this information.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but sometimes there are consequences of your actions.

My wife, who is now divorcing me, said the same things about me...she was never attracted, etc. This started after her affair. She was from an unstable background and my being a stable person attracted her to me. The thing is, now I feel like I was emotionally defrauded by her.

Before doing anything else, you must tell your husband so that he can decide for himself what he will do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just want to be me and feel like I am going to explode in this life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like your current marriage is intolerable. I can understand that. Mine was, too. So when my wife told me about her affair, I could have used it as the excuse I needed to finally leave. Instead, we used Harley's materials - in particular "Surviving an Affair" and the Emotional Needs questionnaire, to change our marriage into one that was not just tolerable, but great.

Btw, my wife was in the: "sex with H is bad, sex w/ OM is great" mode, too, and our sex life had been rotten for 14 _YEARS_ when the affair started, and now she says what she has with me is 10 times what she had with him, or uses words like "there is no comparison". So, you can change your marriage (and your sex life), if you are willing to do the work required. To find out how, click on the link in my signature line.

<small>[ April 08, 2003, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Julia,

I do have some advice for you, but first let's examine what you have said the purpose of this will become clear when this is done.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been having a physically and emotionally satisfying affair for 4 months with a coworker. After much discussion and pain we ended the affair today. Thankfully I found this website a few weeks ago which has helped considerably.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am glad you are here and that this website has helped you. I hope that you continue to read here and ask questions. I will say that your attitude right now is pretty normal for someone coming out of an affair and NOT having told your spouse, or even telling him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am still in love with him and not sure that I can continue with my husband. I realize that Dr Harvey says to tell your husband but I cannot do this without fear of losing everything. The shame and anger from everyone around me is not something I can bear yet... Not to mention how hurt my husband would be.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's see you are in love with another man, you are not sure you could continue with your H, but you feal losing everything (that would also include your H you know). Does this statement seem a little inconsistent to you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I suspect it will in a few months if not now. But, let me ask something of you. Do you respect your H? If so WHY doesn't he get a chance to decide whether to be married to someone that has done this to him. I am sure you would want that right if the situation were reversed. If you OWE him anything, you OWE him the right to make that choice. You surely are reserving that right for yourself. In fact, you have chosen that your word, your vows, and your family are not worth much.

The good news is that you very likely will get a chance to revisit that choice and do it again, but it will come at a price. There are no free lunces Julia, you know that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am still in love with the person I had an affair with and am not positive I want it to work with my husband. This is incredibly selfish I know. Is this normal to feel?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is called CAKE EATING. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is part of what is termed the FOG around here. It is not that your feelings are an illusion, they are real. What is FOGGED is your decision making ability and your ability to see reality. Hence your confusion and inconsistent statements.

If you really feel this way tell your H and see if you can break up the OM's marriage so that the two of you can be together.

That didn't sound very appealing did it? It sounds harsh doesn't it? Does it sound like something you realistically would enjoy doing or facing for the rest of your life?

Something to think about here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another point to mention, the person I was having the affair with is married also. We both have 1 year old boys with our respective spouses. We feel like we have fallen in love but neither of us want to leave our respective spouses right now. We have decided not to see each other for 1 month and hopefully these feelings will subside and we can get some perspective before we do anything rash.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See my statement above. It is good that you have decided to make a break of it. But, this is such a good idea, it should be out in the open light of day. Both of the spouses deserve to know why they have been left or are being considered for being ejected from the life they think they have. This is particularly true since there are children involved.

As little as a year ago you and OM both thought enough of your spouses to have a child with your spouse. NOW neither of you think that your marriage was or is worth fighting to improve and those two one year olds will lose a parent. Does this sound like a good idea?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We work together... therefore, avoiding each other for more than a month will be tough. I know I should quit but I dont want to leave a job I have had for 6 years, especially if I will eventually need the income if my husband and I separate.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, this is the all to common quandry. No Contact is essential for you to gain the perspective you need to make your decision. However, telling your H will go along way to solving some of this mystery. If he won't even consider reconcilling, then you don't have to quit. Perhaps your OM will when his W finds out. If your H wants to rebuild and it is something you come to realize you want to do, then this decision becomes clearer doesn't it? Tell your H and quit guessing about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everything that Dr Harvey says makes sense if you want to stay together. But what happens when people cannot work it out? Is it possibly my husband and I are just not compatible?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H cannot work out what he doesn't know. There two things about Dr. Harley's approach you should read about: the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, and radical honesty. Now the POJA is very powerful. It even means that you two should POJA a divorce. It ups the chances that you two can raise your son in much better circumstances than if ONLY one of you decides to get out and the other doesn't agree.

You have work to do no matter which way you chose to go. And for the sake of your child you need to do the work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problems with my spouse mainly relate to sexual fufillment and have been there since we were married. With the emotional distance this has gotten worse. I was never attracted to him the way that I feel about the person I am having the affair with. Coming from a broken home and a string of bad relationships, I thought stability was the most important thing and my husband is stable, reliable, loving and a family man.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am going to say this over and over. If it is ONLY sex that you want then don't get married. I can assure you that there much better men in bed than your OM and after about a year together it will get boring. IF you need new sex partners or your life is centered about your sexual fulfillment, I would truely consider counseling.

Good sex is very important, but my bet is your H can provide it IF you are receptive. He may never be the greatest, but the treats you list about him are the ones that will in the long run be much better. They are by the way traits that your OM clearly doesn't have or he wouldn't be having an affair.

By the way, if you do marry OM (the odds of successful marriage following an affair are about nill, 75% of affairs don't lead to marriage, and of those about 80% fail). However, there is a saying if an affairee marries the person she had the affair with she is simply creating a vacancy for her position. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I have found I cannot live without sexual fufillment. The lack of sexual interest on my part has driven a wedge between us. I am not physically attracted to him and never really have been. We have discussed this alot but can come to no resolution. Now I cant even let him touch me without feeling very uncomfortable.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's see you are having an affair, the sex is great, and you cannot even let your H touch you. Sort of precludes your H from meeting this need doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Means you have quarenteed that your H will fail has a husband, because you have failed as a W.

But, the sex isn't really the issue in my mind. It is the distance that is and was already there emotionally before the A that is the problem. Yes, sex is important and being a guy I KNOW it is. But, you having an affair while just having a child with your H, suggests that you have completely missed the REAL issues in your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, add another thing to our stack of issues he is Jewish and wanted me to convert when we were married which I did. He was from a wealthy background and I was a small town blue collar background. These dont mesh well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It could, but it takes some conscious effort on both of your parts. My bet is that he is comfortable because he brought you "UP" to his status, but you are not. Why? Well, again I am guessing because he failed to realize how big a jump it was for you and didn't help you make it like he should have. Nothing wrong with blue collar, but it is a different world isn't it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love my career and deep down although he would never admit it I believe he would really rather I be a stay at home mom... I don't think he loves the real me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a profound statement..."I don't think he loves the real me."

It tells me this affair ISN'T about sex. It is about you not feeling loved by your H. Accepted by your H and perhaps his family. It tells me you don't really think he loves you, hence the vulnerability to an affair. You need to tell him about the affair, you really do. You both need to seek some good marriage counseling.

I think this situation is far better than you realize, but it does need honesty, openness, and some really evaluation of both your and your H's issues. This isn't a do it yourself project.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The person I am having the affair with comes from a similar background as I do, similiar social economic class and we have more in common on the surface. He seems to get me and appreciate me for who I am. I am also extremely physically attracted to him and enjoy the same activities. Seems to be a match made in heaven other than the fact we are married</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you both can never really trust one another and that he clearly isn't the father and husband your own H is. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and have children with other people who we are not going to leave.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are not going to leave, then you need to get to work on your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think my husband would except me despite our differences and he wants to work this out. I have been distant over the past months and he has been supportive thinking I may be chemically depressed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Suggesting that he loves you far more than your realize. He is sensitive to your distance and I bet he suspects you are having an affair. Oh! and you probably are or will be depressed during withdrawal from OM, which often lasts longer than a month.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants to seek therapy. I just dont know what to do. There seems to be no way to happiness. I have read Dr Harvey's guide but dont know if it applies or if I want to apply it. I just want to be me and feel like I am going to explode in this life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H wants to seek counseling??? Helloooo, do you know how many women here (WS or BS) are trying to get there H's to counseling and won't go??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> There is a way to happiness, and that is to rebuild and fix your marriage. It clearly isn't offering all that YOU need, and your H needs to and seems will to address the issues. Tell him what the issues are and start the ball rolling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Help. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got, it but you still have to use it and do the HARD stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Julia, you really aren't unique. If you read here for any length of time you will see your situation over and over. Some details may be different but not many. There is hope for you to be happy with your H. But, both of you have work to do. Not just him, and not just you. BOTH of you.

Please consider doing it.

God Bless,

JL

To answer your question about why did we end it.

We both knew there was going to be a month separation because of work so it seemed like the right time to make a break, get some perspective and see how we feel. Both of us falling more in love and struggling with our marriages.

Neither of us want to hurt our families nor are we ready to leave them. Although we are both feeling less guilty and more into us which is really scarey.

My reason are as follows: I just came to the realization on Sunday after an arguement that my marriage is about to fail. All I could think of was how can I end this and how do I get out. So I had to do something.

The OM is not ready to leave his wife. I am falling more deeply in love with him everyday and taking more risks. He is not as willing to take those risks which has made me realize that I am chasing something I shouldn't be. I dont want to end up ruining my family's lives and pining over someone I can never have. It hurts me not to be with him now and daydream about him all the time. I am afraid that if I go for him, he will reject me. (which he should because he should stay with his wife and work it out) Which leaves no choice but to break it off, step back for a couple of years and see where we are in our lives. Let our relationships work themselves out and if we are both alone and healthy maybe this can work but not until then. Knowing this doesnt make it easier. I want to talk to him right now...

On his side, I believe he wanted to slow things down a bit so it wasn't so risky, but he would have continued as things were. I think my marriage failing scared him and he recognized that I was falling pretty hard. He is more reserved and more careful than I am. But he also agreed this was a good idea although he did not cut the ties and still wanted to leave the lines of communication open.

He is also worried about his reputation at work which would be damaged if anyone found out.

So it seemed like a good idea in theory. Now can we just do it?

My two cents....I would suggest you cut those communication ties even if you still have to work together.

Julia: your marriage is failing because YOU are not doing the work required to save it, instead you are focused elsewhere, and YOU are not being honest with your H about what is wrong, so he cannot fix his half because he does not know what it is.

He is worried about his reputation at work. He is worried about his wife. He has a child. All of this day dreaming and sneaking around "being careful" as you call it... Why did you marry this man that you are married to? Sometimes I think that we feel we deserve more than we actually do deserve. But the one who is getting shortchanged here is your child and your husband. And whether you know it or not, you are shortchanging yourself. Life being married takes so much effort. We put effort into every other aspect of our days...child care, house work, business, but what about the good old marriage? We all went into it thinking it was self-care I quess! But we are learning different now.

Dear Julia T,

I have a suggestion for you to find out if you can get the love you want out of your relationship with your H.

First of all...you two aren't on the same playing field. He knows that the marriage is suffering, but he has no idea of the true risk as long as he doesn't know about your affair. You are comparing your love for him with that of another man. To even things up he'd have to be doing the same with another woman. How would you feel if that were the case. Would you feel jealous? Would you want to try harder to make the relationship work if you knew he was considering "replacing" you with another woman?

If you really aren't happy in the marriage, then you have to have the guts to get out of it BEFORE you have a relationship with another person. I know that you can't undo what is already done. Try to think of how you'd feel without your life with your H as if your OM WASN'T in the picture. The OM isn't available and I'd bet good money on the fact that he won't be any time soon. Why would he be when he can get what he wants from you (SF, EN, etc) without marrying you? If he is cheating on his wife now, why would he not do the same to you down the road?

Here is the book that I'd suggest for you. It's called Getting the Love you Want, by Harville Hendrix. It will explain to you why you were attracted to your spouse in the first place. It will explain why you are't happy with your spouse now and how to get it back! It will help you to heal your childhood wounds. You might be very sexually attracted to a man that can do that for you...heal the hurts that you've carried around since childhood. Give your H a chance to be that man. Give your son a chance to grow up in a happy home.

Your wedding vows said for better or worse...well, it doesn't get much worse than an affair. So get in there and do the work to see if you can save the marriage. Until you've done it you will never know if you should be together or not. Even if things don't work out you'll always know in your heart that you did your best to right the wrong you used against your H.

He deserves the right to decide if he wants to be with you WITH the knowledge that you've gone outside of your marriage vows.

I hope that you can find peace very soon.

Stillwed

I am the FWW. Others have given you really good advice, but I would just like to say that I was in your shoes. I am now into recovery with my H. Back then, when I was where you are now, I never imagined that I could ever be at this point. You aren&#8217;t giving your marriage a fair shot to even see if it could be wonderful again. You definitely need to go to no contact with the OM and tell your husband the truth.

I&#8217;m going to be honest. Once you tell your husband you both will go through an enormous amount of pain. Getting through all of this pain will be the hardest work you have ever done. And whether you and your husband stay married or not, you have to tell him and work through it together.

I will bet that after some time of you and OM being apart you will start to feel differently about your marriage. The fog definitely plays a big part into how you are feeling. When you are in the middle of something it&#8217;s hard to see the reality of what&#8217;s happening.

I wish you the best.

I am speaking to my husband now on the phone. I came so close to telling him but couldn't. Should I tell him? Help!!! When is the right time?

I have been interviewing with another company. I thought maybe I would wait until I have another potential job just in case he wants me to quit.

Also, if this happens my life will be in a whirlwind and I dont know if I am ready for that.

What can you do to prepare? Should you prepare? Should I see a councelor first?

Also, what do I tell my husband? I did things sexually with the OM that would hurt my husband so badly. I know he will want details.

Do I tell him? How detailed do I need to get?

Can I just say we had an affair and leave it that or do I have to go into details about hotel rooms, limo's, oral sex in cars.... It was only 5 actual times but they were monumental sexual events. (Multiple times, multiple positions, amazing orgasims, nothing like I have ever done with my husband)

Do I have to tell him this or can I leave this out? I don't think that we can recover if he knows what I actually did.

What do I tell him?

Whew, boy! You were right! Our feelings are very similar in our situations. I would tell you how I'm feeling and felt, but I feel it would be a repeat of what you have already said. One major difference is that my H knows everything. Which is good and bad. See, he had the luxury of discovering my email password and reading ALL of the emails exchanged between me and the OM. Yep. You read that right. All of the emails. Just imagine if your H was able to listen in on all your conversations and read everything that was written between you and your OM. So, I had no choice but to come clean. Oh, yeah. And he printed them out and has them somewhere, I don't know where. I was confronted by my H several times during my year A. Each time, I pleaded with him to stay and promised it was over between the OM and me and that I wouldn't contact him again. Then, a few months later, my H would find more lies and the situation would repeat. Each time I would go back to what I had with the OM. I even said to the OM at one point that I felt that if the situation were turned around, that he wouldn't take the same risks for me. He claimed he would, but in the end, he didn't. He never told his W anything until he had to. Why? Because after my H caught the OM dropping my off (H came home early from a business trip) he threatened to leave and that is was all over. I panicked and called the OM house several times that night. Basically, making him have to explain everything to his W. Only to find out that he covered up a lot and really didn't tell her anything! It wasn't until the most recent d-day, that we are really sticking to the NC rule. To this day, his W doesn't know the half of it and my guess is that she probably never will. So, I too, feel like I would have given up everything (and still in my fog, may even now) and gone with him. I have slipped and contacted him with no response. How does this make me feel? Pretty pathetic! Makes me feel I had fallen into the situation much deeper than him even though I feel like he instigated the whole thing, another story. So, what have I learned? Since I see what the OM is going through right now and how he treated me in the end and how he won't tell his W anything...do I really want to be with someone like that anyway? Through my IC I'm learning what attracted me to him in the first place. Like you, there were definately times through the A that it didn't seem wrong. Like we were meant to be together and I didn't feel guilty. Hard for BS to read, but it's the truth. Also, when OM tells you things like you were meant to be the mother of his children, you start believing everything you hear!!! But, I believe the separation from his is good, but a month won't be enough. You will still feel the same way about him and probably will even a year from now. (That's what OM and I said. That we'd see where we were in a year.) But realize this....if you were to leave H and be with OM, don't you feel that you may be experience, if not the same problems of those in your current M but even new, problems with OM down the road? I once read that when a W has an A, that it is hard for her to get rid of either one because they both contribute what she needs to be fulfilled. That if she could, she would have both to make up for one man. I believe that. There are things that each fulfill for me that the other one doesn't. It's a life changing choice. With my H and with the OM, my life would be completely different. Believe me, I know all about rationalizing fate and timing and all of that, but I have a friend who calls it "evil synchronicity." That hits it on the head! I've rambled, but I just want you to know that you aren't alone in this and I know it makes you question EVERYTHING!!! Hang in there. And yes, if you decide for sure that you will have NC with OM, you will get depressed (I went on anti-d's to help) and you question everything even more and it will get harder before it gets easier! Just to let you know. Hang in there. If you want to repsond to my thread, we can chat.

See a counselor, but read the links about counselors in my signature line link before you choose one. You tell him honestly the answers to any questions he asks. You may wish to ask him: "Are you SURE you want to know?" for things you think will hurt him. If he says yes, answer him. I see you have not read up on "Radical Honesty" on this site.

Whew, boy! You were right! Our feelings are very similar in our situations. I would tell you how I'm feeling and felt, but I feel it would be a repeat of what you have already said. One major difference is that my H knows everything. Which is good and bad. See, he had the luxury of discovering my email password and reading ALL of the emails exchanged between me and the OM. Yep. You read that right. All of the emails. Just imagine if your H was able to listen in on all your conversations and read everything that was written between you and your OM. So, I had no choice but to come clean. Oh, yeah. And he printed them out and has them somewhere, I don't know where. I was confronted by my H several times during my year A. Each time, I pleaded with him to stay and promised it was over between the OM and me and that I wouldn't contact him again. Then, a few months later, my H would find more lies and the situation would repeat. Each time I would go back to what I had with the OM. I even said to the OM at one point that I felt that if the situation were turned around, that he wouldn't take the same risks for me. He claimed he would, but in the end, he didn't. He never told his W anything until he had to. Why? Because after my H caught the OM dropping my off (H came home early from a business trip) he threatened to leave and that is was all over. I panicked and called the OM house several times that night. Basically, making him have to explain everything to his W. Only to find out that he covered up a lot and really didn't tell her anything! It wasn't until the most recent d-day, that we are really sticking to the NC rule. To this day, his W doesn't know the half of it and my guess is that she probably never will. So, I too, feel like I would have given up everything (and still in my fog, may even now) and gone with him. I have slipped and contacted him with no response. How does this make me feel? Pretty pathetic! Makes me feel I had fallen into the situation much deeper than him even though I feel like he instigated the whole thing, another story. So, what have I learned? Since I see what the OM is going through right now and how he treated me in the end and how he won't tell his W anything...do I really want to be with someone like that anyway? Through my IC I'm learning what attracted me to him in the first place. Like you, there were definately times through the A that it didn't seem wrong. Like we were meant to be together and I didn't feel guilty. Hard for BS to read, but it's the truth. Also, when OM tells you things like you were meant to be the mother of his children, you start believing everything you hear!!! But, I believe the separation from his is good, but a month won't be enough. You will still feel the same way about him and probably will even a year from now. (That's what OM and I said. That we'd see where we were in a year.) But realize this....if you were to leave H and be with OM, don't you feel that you may be experience, if not the same problems of those in your current M but even new, problems with OM down the road? I once read that when a W has an A, that it is hard for her to get rid of either one because they both contribute what she needs to be fulfilled. That if she could, she would have both to make up for one man. I believe that. There are things that each fulfill for me that the other one doesn't. It's a life changing choice. With my H and with the OM, my life would be completely different. Believe me, I know all about rationalizing fate and timing and all of that, but I have a friend who calls it "evil synchronicity." That hits it on the head! I've rambled, but I just want you to know that you aren't alone in this and I know it makes you question EVERYTHING!!! Hang in there. And yes, if you decide for sure that you will have NC with OM, you will get depressed (I went on anti-d's to help) and you question everything even more and it will get harder before it gets easier! Just to let you know. Hang in there. If you want to repsond to my thread, we can chat.

Julia, LostmyBLiss (and Damaged)-
Hi. I am A WS, too. My d-day was 3 years ago. You all are facing some tough times and tough decisions. I was there. But I made it. My marriage has recovered and I am "over" the OM.

I just popped in here to suggest that you all continue to post here rather than e-mail each other. Believe me I understand how much you want the support of someone who understands your situations. Remeber, I've been there. THe advice you get here will be balanced and truthful. You will have to be brutally honest here. I don't think it is to your benefit to try to share your feelings with only those in a similar "fog."

In part it is normal in your situations to want to seek out someone to tell that you are still in love with the OM. This is tearing you apart, I know. It is terribly hard to walk away. But listen to the advice here. In order to give your M a fair chance you absolutely have to give up the OM. It won't happen overnight, the feelings you have are real, but they will fade. I promise you. Your relationship with OM feels special and irreplaceable, but it is not.

Julia- get counseling. Don't delay in telling your H, it will not help. Wait until there is a time when you have some time to talk. Other than that just do it. Soon.

What John said is right. This is a process that requires delicate attention. And a special person that will guide you...a counselor. Honesty will relieve your burden. Promote committment by attending counseling with him. I think I would get the counselor to help you right from the beginning.

Lostmy Bliss- I know what you say is true. He will NEVER tell his wife and will probably continue to be married for the next 50 years. Unfortunately I don't blame him because if he leaves her he leaves his son. He does not want to be a weekend Dad and his son is only one. Having a baby I can understand where he is coming from very well.

So, I cannot see him, realize that I am in for the ride of my life and that depression is inevitable. I have already had thoughts of wishing I were dead and pain in my stomach so intense I have been sick. All over this... The guilt, the lies, the longing, the need to see him, the need to be as far away from my husband as possible....

But I know I have to tell my husband and I have to end contact with the OM. I am not sure if my marriage is going to work, whether deep down I really want it to work, but I do no there is no future at this point for me and the OM.

I do understand your need for both of these relationships. My husband is the stabilizing force for me and the other man is the passion and excitement. That is having my cake and eating it to and I know that is wrong.

The next challenge is telling my husband. I am glad I have the opportunity to come clean before he catches me. Your story made me want to tell him more...

Julia

You are getting great advice here, and I'm glad to see that you're planning to tell your H. Hard though it is, it's the only way out of this hole.

ButI must warn you that you should prepare yourself for a rough ride. Until now, you've been caught up in your own situation - you and OM. Your H has probably seemed like a sketched-in figure in the background. But when he learns the truth, you will be exposed to HIS world, his reality and his pain. It will be painful for both of you. Hang in there.

As many here will tell you, it's important to be realistic about OM. He's having an affair - what kind of a father does that make him? It's exciting now, because the affair is with YOU, but would it seem as thrilling if he you were his wife and he was having an affair? I know you may feel that you are special, and that that would never happen, but the statistics say otherwise. He may well value his wife far more than he tells you (and there seems to be no suggestion whatever that he wants to leave her - the 'must-stay-for-the-child' plea is a well-known cop-out). He may, like you, yearn for both risk and security. The stats say that he will opt for security if he has to choose.

For the sake of your child, please summon up all your courage and prepare for a long struggle to rebuild. Good luck.

TA