julia t
My heart goes out to you but hasn't this been drawn out long enough? I know too well the decision you are trying to make. Unlike you I didn't tell until my lovely wide suspected my A already.
I am not trying to be harsh and everthing I am posting to you I could have posted to myself too. So this is also a flame of sorts on me.
I read this thread and you and others talk about making love bank deposits while continuing the A, lies, deceipt...whatever you want to call it. Once you tell your husband nothing you have done prior to that is gonna make a lick of difference to him. Anything nice you have done will seem cheap to him. So what you if you made him dinner or are being extra-nice, in his eyes you were feeling guilt and trying to make up for it.
You gotta tell him now. I should told my lovely wife back in Dec when I ended it. 4 months later APR 02,2003 I confess and guess what happens.............My lovely wife moved out to day. S-E-P-A-R-A-T-I-O-N.
My lovely wife never got over her OM and drug it on and out. NC never happend or rather happend several times. 10 mos after her D-Day, her feelings are just as strong for her OM now as they were then. If you want your marriage then you gotta do this ASAP. Everyday you drag this out is one more day your husband thinks things are o.k.
There has been tons of great advice handed to you on this thread and the one you posted before on the same subject. I guess I am upset because I see you knowing what to do and it seems that you understand exactly what you are doing and you continue not to do it.
Scenario....
You tell your husband tonight, he says nothing. Doesn't get pissed and blames himself for no meeting your needs. See HN/HN in the bookstore, happens accross this site. Looks around sees a thread about how to tell your husband I cheated. It probably wouln't take much for him to figure out who's story tis is.
In his head you cared more about the OM an whether or not he was going to tell his W about the affair at the same time you told him. He sees you spilling your guts about the hurt and pain you know that you are causing him to total strangers. He sees this thread drag out for two weeks with people giving you the same advice over and over. He sees how you are hurting and that you felt that you couldn't trust him enough to confess.
Damn skippy he is gonna be hurt...no good time no good way to tell him. But there are bad ways not to and this is one of them. You are being selfish by not telling him.
I feel for you and I empathize with you like not too many others can. I have been a BS twice and a WS once. My emotions, guilt, remorse, repentance and forgiveness are or were at an all time high.
You obviously love you husband. It is time to show him.
God bless you Julia
