How do you tell your husband you cheated? - Marriage Builders® Forums

This is a continuation of the I cheated string.

I want to tell my husband. But how do I tell him? I know that telling him details would really hurt him. The OM and I had 5 sexual experiences but during those 5 times we did everything imaginable. In limo's, hotels, oral sex in cars, intense orgasms. Stuff I have never been able to do with my husband.

I have cut off all contact with the OM. I feel very weak about this and realize that I have to tell my husband if this is going to work. I owe him that.

But how much do I have to tell him? Do I need to give details? He will ask so what do I do?

How do you tell him? You just come right out and come clean with your lies and decit. Do you enjoy looking at your husband knowing you've lied and betrayed him? Do you enjoy skeletons hanging in your closet? Tell him the basis of what has happened and then deal with the details as he needs to ask them. My wife told me the details of her affair but only as I asked them. The details in many ways I think has helped me but also haunted me. Stop today with living in the lie you are in and putting your husband in and for god sakes I hope you had protected sex with the OM and if not do not put your husband at any risk - get yourself tested.

Come clean and just tell him - I am sure he may already suspect this and is looking for the truth. Give it to him - he deserves it.

Also - I don't think your husband needs to hear you bragging about your sexual escapades with this other man - if he wants detail then give them to him but don't throw them at him the way you did in your post cause they will injury him and it's plain 'ol not needed.

[ April 08, 2003, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]

I appreciate your comments and sense of urgency. I want to tell but am worried about the how to tell.

How did she tell you? Can I avoid details because I dont think I could ever admit the personal details of the things I did with the OM. They are not something I have ever done.

I realize that I need to deal with the pain of this but I dont think of am capable of telling him everything and if that is the case is it worth telling him anything?

It is not my intention to brag. I guess the question is if my husband wants explicite details which I know he will, can I not tell him.

It would kill him to know. It would kill me to tell him and I think end any chance of us getting back together.

So How to tell??? Any advice?

Here's a link that should help with what you are tring to get the courage to do.
Stilltogether's advice on how to tell spouse

I hope you are able to do it soon, and that you will yet spend many happy years with H.

SS

Julia - Plain and simple here, Honesty is Honesty tell the truth - as painful as it may be your husband needs to know. Put the shoe on the other foot, what would you want if you were in your husbands spot? There is no more room for lies here, come clean. Tell him whatever he requests to know, I think you owe him at least that much. I know I would much rather hear the truth. My wife delayed a bit on telling me she had sex with another man but I sensed it and she came clean and she answered all my questions. Was I hurt and shocked by what she told me?? HELL YES I was. Was I glad she was honest? H-O-N-E-S-T-Y is all I want and I am sure your husband wants. Stop the pain and the lies and lay it all out on the table. Own up to what you've done and be a lady about it.

Read The Policy of Radical Honesty Does that answer your question? Part of the problem you have with your husband is that you are not telling him the truth in order to "protect" him. In the process of protecting him you are destroying your relationship - which is about the worst way you could hurt him. So, the cure is worse than the disease. Start being honest. If you had been honest about how you were feeling about your relationship in the past, you would not be in the situation you are in now. Stop the bleeding. My wife confessed saying: "I have to tell you I have been an unfaithful wife, and you can do with me what you want - throw me out or whatever." The humility was helpful, as was the honesty. Since you know about Marriage Builders, I would suggest you add that you are willing to work on your marriage if he is, and you have found some resources that can help you do that. If he has ANY violent tendencies, I would suggest you tell him in the presence of a counselor. If your counselor suggests telling him is NOT a good policy, find one that is competent.

Hi Julia,

Honesty is what you husband will want, it is what he needs. Yes, be prepared for him to be hurt, be prepared for him to be angry.

If you want to work on your marriage, be honest about that. If you are willing to do anything to prove to him that it is over, such as quiting your job and getting a new job then do it. Tell him you have already started looking for a new job.

He will know if you are holding back, and he will know if you are being honest.

He may ask the same question more than once, this will be a great shock to him. Be prepared to answer the same questions more than once.

As far as the SF area, things you have done with OM and not your H, do you know for certain that he did not want to do these things or was he holding back because he thought you did not want to do these things. Have you two ever discussed this issue?

You can tell your H you found this website, tell him about the Harley principles, are you willing to incorporate them into your marriage? If so, tell your H that, let him read about it and ask if he he wants to incorporate them into your M.

We are also here to support your H if he wants.

I encourage that you both go to counseling. If your H is willing to try to make the M work, find a good pro marriage counselor.

Good luck.

The sooner you come clean the better chance you'll have of making things work in my opinion. You need to find a way to get the first words out of your mouth, the rest will come. If he is like me, he'll want to know the details even if they're painful. The reality, no matter how difficult, will probably be better than the things he'll imagine if you don't provide him with the facts. If he senses you are still hiding something then you're not doing either of you any favors. You HAVE to be 100% truthful. You've already commited the act that could destroy your marriage, the words and details probably won't make or break you at this point. I'm new here, I just found out on sunday. It's been a brutal 48 hours (I can't believe it's only been 48 hours, it feels like a week), but I'm already doing better than I was at first. I am already confident that we can make it. It will be hard, but we can do it. One of the saving graces is that my wife told me, and I think she's been honest since she came clean. It matters a lot that you are going to volunteer this information. It might be what saves you. Go tell him and get started on the road that lies ahead of you. Good luck.

Julia T,

I sense that your H love you very much and also he is a resonable person. You know him better than any of us. You know when to pick the time and where to pick the time. You know you have to do this. Learn from all the replies to you on "how". Continuing A would not only destroy your M, your H, your kids (if you have any) and also OM's M, OMW, their kids.

Read again how A should end. As many others already encourage you, you have to be brutally honest and you have to tell him you want to come clean. You want to come clean and not to hurt him anymore. Answer all the questions honstestly. Also if you read how A should end, you know you have to ammend your H. Move work if you have to, let your H "guard" your fence. Let him guard all the trigger for you to contact OM. NC with OM is a must. At the end let him know abot this web site, ask him to come here to learn and also probably getting conseling from Steve Harley or Jennifer. Let him know many has Survive Affair in their marriage and live happier M.

You sexual intensity w/ OM is undestandable, female organ is between your ear and male organ is between our legs. When you give your heart to someone, you will giving up and reaching what you don't have with your H. You never give your H a chance !, you open your legs for your H but do both for OM.

You know, your H maybe already suspect it.

-rh-

Not so long ago Julia I was in the same boat as you - how to tell, when to tell, what to tell!

I found the longer I left it the worse it made me feel, the guilt was just eating me up. (Of course, some will say 'good you deserve it', that's fine)

You have to be completely honest with your man, even if you decide to leave hubby for other reasons stated in your previous post or maybe one day he may leave you for whatever reason - if the relationship fails for whatever reason, leave or be left, knowing that you've been completely honest with him - I carried around my secret affairs for years and you can never shut them away in your mind - something always sets off a trigger!

As for how much to tell, play it by ear, there's only so much these guys can take at one time! Weeks after my revelations to my husband, he's still asking me little questions but be prepared, he will be very hurt and very angy (as is to be expected)

With regard to how much detail about the sex, again play it by ear - I assure you, he will ask. I said nothing to start with, I refused to answer because I didn't want to hurt him (more than the relevation of sexual affairs had already torn him apart) I wanted to protect him from the details. However, eventually I must admit I did get tired of hearing the same question, it seemed to be the only real question left that he wanted an answer to - so I told him, 'yes he was better, yes he was bigger, blah blah' - he was stunned as you can imagine, but finally it was all out in the open! I had nothing else to tell. I had so many emotions going around me, relief that it was all out, fear of what was going to happen next. There was tears (on both side) , anger(obviously on his side) name calling (from him) disgrace (on my part). You name it for 2-3 days our lives were turned upside down - but I look back and I don't regret telling him.

You have to go through this

1. if you ever want to get things straight in your marriage, you can't expect things to ever get better if you're not prepared to be completely honest about what made everything go wrong in the first place, and

2. for you, if you decide to leave for other reasons because you will always know and always carry it around with you, that there was so many things going on within your marriage that your husband didn't know and wasn't part of.

Julia also be prepared for a slatting in here, I've seen other posts with regard to spouses giving full extensive detail of their sexual conduct with the Other Person, and replies being mailed back that 'she only did it to hurt you' 'she can't love you if she told you THAT'. With me I was pushed and pushed and pushed for these details, no I didn't do it to hurt him and yes I do love him. He will ask Julia, his ego and self asteem are going to get knocked to the wall so just be gentle but be honest.

I know that there is very little time for the WS (wayward spouse) here but as one, to one, a huge huge burden will be lifted, pain will ensue after for both your husband and you. It's not all going to get magically better just because it is off your shoulders but eventually further on down the road when the dust has begun to settle at least you know that you have had the courage to be absolutely honest about your actions and you will be a better person for it!

I wish you all the luck in the world Julia, bite the bullet and do it soon - you owe it to your husband and yourself!

XX

Hey I did it. I strated crying one night and couldn't stop and out my confession came. Afterwards my H told me I had balls of steel to do what I did, and even though it hurt him, he knew how much courage and honor it took to admit what I did. I don't think he would have been as forgiving if he had foundout on his own. The good people here convinced me that I had to tell. And I am glad we did cause now we are on our way to recovery.

AS for the details, IMHO , only tell him what he asks for. And in some cases white lies would be helpful. I don't buy into the radical honesty.. at ALL costs. I would never tell my H that my orgasims were mind blowing, why would he need to know that? Of couse it felt good, it was an ORGASIM, you see what I mean? ( FTR the one time was not and the OM had performance problems and couldn't 'finish' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) He might want to know when , where, how, but those are all just basic details.

Just tell and the questions will come out for you to answer, and answer the best you can, with care for his feelings. good luck.

You mentioned that your H wants to go to marriage counseling, didn't you? One possibility is to set that up, and plan on telling him in one of your sessions. You could even meet one-on-one with the counselor first, and give him/her a heads up.

Regardless of the method you choose, it is imperative that you tell your H and soon. For two big reasons. First, he has a right to know. He is in this marriage under the implied assumption that you've been faithful to him. He deserves the chance to decide for himself (vs. you deciding for him) to stay with complete knowledge of your situation. Second, this secret will continue to build a wall between you that will completely kill any chance for the two of you to have a close and fulfilling relationship. Recovery with this secret would be a charade.

Good luck,
Martes

Julia-

I found out from my XWW when she simply came in one day and told me that she had feelings for someone else. If your H has no clue, it's going to painful regardless of how you break it. I'd suggest giving him the big picture but holding back on specifics. I know others might disagree but in my case our C advised that going over specifics of the A was counter productive to R. Maybe later it's appropriate but not when the bomb first drops...Good luck...

PS I agree 100% with euphoria. Though I hated to hear the news, I was SO grateful that my XW had the courage to come forward and let me know what was going on!

[ April 09, 2003, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: litchfield ]

Julia,

It has been mentioned that you contact a counselor and have a meeting with this counselor. More than a few posters here have choosen this route. They talk with the counselor and discuss how to tell the spouse of the A. In some cases, the spouse is informed with the counselor present to help a bit.

Another approach is a letter, with a closing that states that you will answer any questions he has.

Finally, about the details. You OWE him all of the information he asks for. Believe it, his imagination will be running overtime, so things my be worse in his mind than reality.

However, having said that it is fair to warn him to think very carefully about what and why he wants to know because the details will hurt. If he decides after this that he wants to hear the details tell him. Honesty, is crucial but so is kindness and care. The latter two won't overcome the pain, but as time passes he will appreciate you kindness and care in telling him.

There is no way to put lipstick on this pig; it will hurt him deeply no matter how you approach this.

I would offer you more advice, but I don't know enough more about your situation. If you could answer the questions I posted in the other thread perhaps some more can be discussed.

God Bless,

JL

How about this honey you married a slut and I'm very sorry that I ruined your life.

Sorry to be so blunt.......but damn 5 times you didn't feel guilty after the first? You had to do it again and again and again and again to feel the shame.

I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for you. You have no clue what kind of pain that causes.

Carl

CARL

I reported your last post to MB administrators, because of name-calling.

Pepper

[ April 09, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

Pepper I apologize if my statement offended you. it's just very painful to hear things like that in that detail.

I dont blame you Carl for what you said. You have the right to how you feel. I dont agree with how you said it but obviously the graffic detail of my message struck a cord. I think my husband will react in a similar fashion and I also dont blame him. I deserve to be called names. I made a committment and I broke it.

I know I have to tell him.

Julia

Dear Julia,

This is just my opinion, but I would suggest that you begin a plan of how to do this.

First, I think you should begin making love bank deposits. Then, confess to a counselor or minister. After a while, have your husband come in with the counselor/minister, and tell him in that person's office. This will be more of a neutral location, and there will be another person there to whom your H can vent to, if it is needed.

Afterwards, tell your H that you will answer any and all questions truthfully, but you would like to have some time between the time that he asks the questions, and when you provide the answers. Perhaps as short as an hour, or as long as one day. That day, you will have time to think about the question, and really think about your answer. My personal opinion is that the question and answer should be written so that there is no question as to what was said.

Be sure to give him some time. This will be the most painful thing he ever has to hear. However, remember that it is not telling him that causes the pain, it is your past action. He deserves to know the whole truth so that he can make an informed decision about his future.

Lastly, please accept my congratulations for ending the affair. There are many on this board who have spouses who flaunt their affairs in front of their spouses for months. It is always refreshing to see a WS who honestly believes that he/she has made a mistake.

Hi Julia,

You've gotten some great advice...

My FWW decided to have some close friends from our church come over to the house when she told me about one A that I'd suspected and 4 others that I never had a clue about...

If you decide to tell your H in front of others, be aware that he will likely be angry with you later on because you've chosen to share private information (your A) with other(s) BEFORE you shared them with him... I felt that my FWW didn't care enough about MY feelings to even tell me before she shared them with her friends.

Eventually, it didn't really matter that she'd told her friends first... I was just glad that I finally had ALL of the information that I had been missing for so many years.

Telling your H will be one of the hardest things that you ever do... but you must do it if you want to rebuild your M. Like the others have said, be loving and TOTALLY HONEST with your H when you tell him. If he asks (and I'd bet my next paycheck that he will) about the sex, let him know that your answers will hurt him and ask him if he REALLY wants to know... if he's like I was, he will want to know... then tell him as honestly as you can. I liked what Euphoria said... <blockquote>quote:<hr /> I would never tell my H that my orgasims were mind blowing, why would he need to know that? Of couse it felt good, it was an ORGASIM, you see what I mean? <hr /></blockquote>You can be honest, but you don't have to be mean.

Writing questions and answers down helps to a point... I would write out my questions for my FWW and then keep them for a few days to see if I really wanted to know the answers... I'd "revise" my list then give them to my FWW. At first she would write "I don't know"... "I don't remember." or "That was 12 years ago, how could I remember.." If you honestly don't remember, then I would suggest that you at least tell your H that you don't remember right now, but that you'll try to think about it and will do your best to answer his question.

Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... it has some good advise on how to tell your BS about your A...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I'm offended by Carl's post and I don't easily offend. I find very little constructive about it. There are ways to be blunt and to the point without being vulgar.

Julia,
No matter how you end up saying it, sooner is better than later. The sooner everything is out in the open, sooner you marriage can begin to heal. He will be stunned,and shocked, and hurt beyond belief. He will ask all kinds of questions about details you had never even considered. But, no matter what he asks, you must tell him the truth.

In the end, the truth may be more than he can bear. He may ultimately decide to leave you. But if he stays because you have witheld the truth from him, then the rest of your life will be living a lie. On top of that, if you love and respect your H, then you must respect that the decision as to whether or not he wants to stay with you given the things you have done is his. If you don't tell him the truth, then you don't respect him and his right to make that decision.

Be honest, and show him right now that you want the marriage to work and it is my bet that he will want it to work too. Ultimately a BS senses when they are being lied too, and the prevents any start of a real recovery.
Michael

Julia T,

I can only speak of my experience. After reading this thread along with your previous threads I began to ask myself what does Julia T want?

My response here is premised on the assumption that you want to repair your marriage (even though you may not feel that way right now).

I found out my wife's escapades accidentally via e-mail. Therefore I was the one that controlled how this devil was to be let out of the box.

I think you are smart to take advantage of your situation ie. you have the luxury of exposing your actions to you husband in a thoughtful and considerate manner.

Get professional advise with respect to how and when you tell your husband. You have a wonderful opportunity to pave a path to recovery. It's too important to not get professional advise.

Looking back at my situation, what would have helped me had my wife come forward?

1.) A clear and concise letter from her explaining what she had done and what her true intentions are from this point forward.

2.) Copies of no contact letters to the OM.

3.) Test results for STD's.

4.) Proof that she is in therapy and wants me there too.

5.) Promise to tell me the truth no matter what.

May God be with you and your husband. You can do this and survive.

This has been incredibly helpful. I also saw a councelor who added more perspective. What I thought was love for the OM may have been fog. Although it doesnt hurt any less not seeing him, I can definately see the madness and the illogical thought process.

I was swept up in the romance and sexual drama. Was there ever love, probably not. This doesn't mean that I dont care about the OM, admire him and have great sex with him but it never really had a chance to mature into a real relationship. This is not an option so I am going to stop treating it like it is one.

Unfortunately, I have broken the NC rule and emailed the OM to let him know I am telling my husband. Also, I have had to email him for work. I am seriously considering leaving my job so I can keep the NC rule. By the time I am ready to tell my husband I should be in a position to take another job if I need to do so.

In the last couple of days I have really looked at my husband and he is a wonderful, attractive, loving and devoted man. I am going to do what I need to in order to make this work.

So this is what I think I am going to do. Start depositing love credits with my husband, schedule a time that we can see the councelor together in the next 2 weeks and then tell him about the OM. From there I am going to hope he doesn't want a divorce and that he wants to work it out. I will offer to leave my job and devote myself to the relationship. At least this way, I will know I gave it all that I could and gave him a chance to really know what is going on.

Wish me luck...

You and OM have a 1 month NC agreement at this time- correct?

If I am correct on this assumption, I would write a NC letter to OM, let your husband read it and mail it to OM. This will help to reienforce with your H that you are sincere in ending the A, and want to work in the M.

I wish you all the luck.

Julie,

My blessings to you for what you have decided to do. I have been reading your threads & hoped you would tell him. Smart of you to see an IC to get support for what you will do.

My H told me about his affair, one evening in a calm, matter of fact voice. That was about 13 months ago. It's been a tough year; but now that I'm this far down the road I see I have so much to be grateful for.

1. I didn't find out from someone else.
2. I didn't catch him.
3. His remorse was apparent right from the beginning.
4. After my initial shock and anger; I realized what he told me was true. That the reason he told me was so that there was no more secrecy and he was committed to healing & recovering.
5. He convinced me through words and actions that he was willing to do whatever it took to make up for all the pain he caused.
6. He agreed to NC right away, and wrote a NC letter, with me right by his side.
7. Honestly answered every question I had. After one mis-step told me every time there was contact after NC letter went out.
8. I learned what my part was in the state of our marriage that allowed an affair to happen.
9 I finally understood some unexplained behavior that occurred during the A that at the time made no sense; but hurt deeply.

There's more, but I applaud you for doing the hard but necessary work you are undertaking! Blessings, CSue

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Julia T:
So this is what I think I am going to do. Start depositing love credits with my husband, schedule a time that we can see the councelor together in the next 2 weeks and then tell him about the OM. From there I am going to hope he doesn't want a divorce and that he wants to work it out. I will offer to leave my job and devote myself to the relationship. At least this way, I will know I gave it all that I could and gave him a chance to really know what is going on.

Wish me luck...<hr /></blockquote><======= <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> =============> Read the letter from TrueHeart (WS) to WS under my signature. You know you are doing the right thing.
-rh-

Julia you need to tell him ASAP but......

1) You need to make sure you have setup safe conditions. By that you tell him when you both have time to talk about. Perhaps at the end of a work week.

2) Contrary to the theme of radical honesty you need to decide not whether to tell him everything (sooner or later you will have to tell him everything including details) but how much to tell him at each stage.

Trust me you will be pushed for all the details. But perhaps you should start with when it first happened and reassure him that you have ended it. Indeed once his initial anger subsides and you have asked for forgiveness then you will want to take steps to reassure him the other man is no longer a threat. Your willingness to confess is a huge step in that direction. But you might want to let him overhear you call the other man and tell him you can't be involved with him anymore or sit down and right a no contact letter/dear john letter to the other man and let him read it before you mail it.

Then brace yourself for his barrage of questions.

Overtime you will tell him not only how long the affair was but how many times you were physical. And after more time details....now a marriage counselor can better advise on how much detail is enough but recognize that your spouse will never recover if he thinks you are still hidings things from him or are being honest. So yes you will have to not only tell details but expect him to want to know how he compares to the other man as well...what you saw in the other man....what you expected to gain from the affair...and a million zillion other questions.

If you are safe disclosing to him privately then do so but if his reactions scare you then do it in front of a marriage counselor....but do it soon.

Good luck.

Carl I don't approve of her behavior but she had 1 affair....the 5 "experiences" are irrelevant its all part of the 1 affair.

If you want to look down on her for the affair and enjoying it then that's your perogative but the number of times they slept together is not the issue....to have slept together once is wrong enough.

Intellectually everything that has been said makes sense. But I am so afraid of telling my H. I just don't see him excepting this and us being able to move on. I know I have to do it and will be seeing a councelor over the next few weeks to build up my strength. My feelings on this change hourly but I am going to tell H. My H has the right to make the choice once he knows who I really am. My first loyalty should be to him although I still feel a connection to OM.

Which brings me to another element of my feelings that I think is important to share. (although will be unpopular)

My natural inclination is to discuss telling H with the OM since I consider him a good friend. I realize that this would only put me back where I was, so I cannot do this.

I worry about putting the OM in a situation where people may find out. He will never tell his wife, and I understand this choice. We entered into this affair together with the committment we would never tell. I know this is a part of the fog which has not yet lifted, but I feel like we both took this risk together and I would expect him to keep the committment if I didnt want to tell. I am betraying him. Seems like I am betraying everyone lately.

I know we are adulterers, we are lying to our spouses but I feel like I dont want to break the committment we made. This is probably fog speaking. While I have decided to break off contact with OM, I am still mentally engaged in the relationship and this is residual loyalty to him. I know I have to get over this and place that loyalty to my husband. I cannot worry about the OM.

I am cant believe I am worried about breaking my committment of silence to the OM when I didnt think twice about lying to my husband and child who love and support me. This is so wrong but I have to admit this is entering my mind. Could I really care about him or is this fog? I know I care about him and it wasnt all an illusion.

The OM met needs that were not being met by my husband such as approval and sexual attraction. He liked me for who he thought I was and I needed that. I see that now. He did deposit more in the love bank that I needed so I can see how this happened. The more we got into this the more I pushed my husband away.

The OM in this case was in a similar place where needs were not being met in his marriage and I think that it just hit a cord for both of us. So I am starting to understand why I was vulnerable to an affair and I think I can protect myself from future affairs.

Also, knowing all this makes it easier to intellectualize this for what it appears to be. But it doesnt change the fact that I care about OM and dont want to see him hurt. I am also concerned about hurting my husband and family. By telling everyone gets hurt. Not telling only I am hurt because I have to live with my lies and deceit.

We have really made a mess of things.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Julia T:
By telling everyone gets hurt. Not telling only I am hurt because I have to live with my lies and deceit.<hr /></blockquote>Twisted logic ... let me try. You assumption that no one get hurt base on "no one will know". What if down the road ... OM tell his wife and the words get out ?. How much more hurt that would be then doing it now ?. I gurantee that everyone will get hurt plus all your effort to be a "good wife" is useless. Assume no one will tell ... you still have your basic issues, you never give a chance to your H !. This will be a wall between you and your H ....

If you tell him after you go conseling several time and plan A ... He would wonder if you do it because of your guilt or you really want to fix this M

What do you think that your H didn't suspect it already ?.

-rh-

Julia you are are NOT a bad person (otherwise you wouldn't be here) who willfuly happened to make a bad choice as far as chosing to have an A and have her most EN's met by another man.

You have been given excellent advise and I just want to add to that the following. What would your opinion be of OM (with a 1 year old son) if he was involved with a girlfriend of yours in a similar situation? Probably not a good one, I bet, but because you are emotionally and physically involved with him, you can not (emotionally) see what is so very obvious to the rest of us.

Sure at this point in time, your choices look mighty grim, but given some time, you may see that you what you beleive is real is really not.

In closing, I just want to leave you with the following thought:

WHAT HE DOES WITH YOU, HE CAN DO TO YOU'. Afterall why not? He did this to his unsuspecting W, why is it so hard to beleive that he COULD do the same to you if you and him were to find yourselves in a committed relationship?

You have a lot of soul searching to make regarding your M. I wish you luck.

[ April 10, 2003, 03:19 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]

Sue with hope...... I have already apologized for what you considered a vulgar statement. But I too found the details of Julia's affair to be very vulgar..... and no one commented on that.
Julia if you are truely remorsefull concentrate on what will help heal your family and put other man thought's out of your head.

When I went through this what killed me emotionally was that I didn't see remorse in my X's actions if she would of shown that I would of forgiven her.

Your actions will be louder then your words
I Hope things workout for you and your family.

Carl

Julia,

You owe the OM absolutely ***NOTHING***.

I wouldn't even consider having the OM present when you tell your H... I mean really, why would you want to humiliate your H more by having the OM there to "support" you??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

... Get rid of the OM and focus your energies on your H and your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

The OM contacted me and was for obvious reasons very concerned about my telling my spouse for fear his spouse would find out. He was supportive if it is what I want to do. I do think he wants me to find happiness and be able to work it out. I can see his point though that he doesnt want his wife to find out from someone other than him. (or at all) I dont want to inflict that pain on them either.

We also had a good discussions about what I have been learning about why this relationship started, why it ended, the need for NC and the need to be completely honest with our spouses.

He is worried about his wife finding out which I don't blame him. He says things are getting better between them and he doesnt want to endanger that. He is being honest that he feels very vulnerable and doesnt want to have this come out right now. Maybe someday but not until he is ready.

I spoke again with my therapist this morning and he said that we should meet for a few weeks with my husband and alone before we decide how to tell him. This seems contrary to alot of the advice but I do think that waiting is key. I am going to tell but I am not going to be rash about it. He deserves to know but I think with the A with the OM just ending it is too raw and would cause more pain than good.

I am not considering reconciling with the OM, I do unfortunately consider him a friend which is good and bad. I gave him the link to this site so maybe he can find the answers to making his marriage work as well. He is not an evil man nor is any different than me. We both just messed up. NC is tough when you are friends and are trying to sort things out.

I dont ever want the pain again that I had from the A, but I am not ready to tell my husband right now.

Any thoughts?

Here is hoping he gets the same help from this site that you have...

I suspect that having just seen the OM, you are thinking of delaying being honest with your H out of concern for the OM, and not out of concern for your H. Sorry, but the OMs wishes/desires do not matter. What is best for you, your H and your marriage is what you should be thinking of now.

I disagree with your MC. The time to tell your H is now. Do you really think that he doesn't know something is wrong? He may not know that you are having an A, but he senses things are not right. Recovery can only begin once the A sees the light of day.

One last thought. Whether you decide to tell your H now or later, you need to institute NC with the OM. As long as you have contact, the A is not really over.
Michael

One more thought. The OM may not be an evil man, but he is not a good man either. If he truly valued his M, he would come clean also and begin to work on his relationship with his W so he won't do this again. I'll be you the main reason he doesn't want this out in the open is that once you are gone, he will move on to a new A with a new woman.
Michael

[ April 10, 2003, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]

In defense of the OM, I really dont think he will ever do this again and has learned his lesson. He is as miserable as I am. He knows this was wrong and understands the potential consequences of his actions.

I think that he doesnt want this to come out because he has a lot to lose. His wife will probably divorce him (she is not the understanding type), take his son, and she will make sure everyone including where we work knows what happened. He reason to be concerned.

I agree that NC is important. But I also think that he and I were and are friends and we went into this together. He should be able to tell his wife or not on his own terms without it blowing up in his face. I feel like I did the right thing by telling him that I am considering telling my husband.

We both acknowledge that the romance was a fog which helps remove some of the romantic notions about the affair. So in that way talking to him and being friends has been helpful. I have tried to minimize the drama that sometimes comes in a breakup by being open and honest and not playing games.

This I think can help us get to the healing part. Maybe he will tell his wife, maybe he wont, that is his decision. But I dont feel badly about letting him know my plans to tell my husband. This should not be dropped on him or her.

I keep asking myself why did I do this? I am so miserable. There is no easy answer here.

I know I keep waffling back and forth but my gut says to tell my husband right not. Call him up and tell him.

My intellect says the better way to do it for everyone concerned is to spend the next few weeks with the Therapist, meeting with both of us, and come up with the best way to tell him.

This gives the OM the time needed and also will make my H's reaction better to the news. I think he will understand why the affair happened and why it won't happen again. Therefore making the news easier to bear.

But on the other hand, I just want to tell him right now and get it off my chest and let the cards fall where they may...

Julia you have to stop thinking about what is right or wrong for the OM. Every post you keep talking about the OM....please think of your husband and as hard as it is telling him now it is the best thing. You owe him at least that much to at least come clean now.
Believe me it's harder to hear from a WS that they had an affair months after the fact. Think about what's best for YOU and your HUSBAND and your family. Let OM handle his own busness.

Carl

Hi Julia,

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> The OM contacted me and was for obvious reasons very concerned about my telling my spouse for fear his spouse would find out. He was supportive if it is what I want to do. I do think he wants me to find happiness and be able to work it out. I can see his point though that he doesnt want his wife to find out from someone other than him. (or at all) I dont want to inflict that pain on them either. <hr /></blockquote>The OM's problems are HIS problems. HE is responsible for his actions just as you are responsible for yours. Of course the OM doesn't want his BS to find out!!! Your comment of not wanting to "inflict pain" on the OM and his W is a moot point... You've already inflicted pain on the OM's W and your H... they just don't know about it...yet.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> We also had a good discussions about what I have been learning about why this relationship started, why it ended, the need for NC and the need to be completely honest with our spouses. <hr /></blockquote>Send the OM a no contact letter. Don't answer his calls. Don't reply to his e-mail... Better yet, change your phone numbers and e-mail address. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR M and YOUR LIFE!!! You are still in the A with the OM if you are still "talking" with him...

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> He is worried about his wife finding out which I don't blame him. He says things are getting better between them and he doesnt want to endanger that. He is being honest that he feels very vulnerable and doesnt want to have this come out right now. Maybe someday but not until he is ready. <hr /></blockquote>Of course he's worried!!! He should be... Once his W finds out, SHE will have to decide if she's willing to stay and rebuild the M or if she wants to divorce him. If YOU were this OM's W, how would you feel right now? Would YOU want to know if YOUR H was in an A????

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> ...I am going to tell but I am not going to be rash about it. He deserves to know but I think with the A with the OM just ending it is too raw and would cause more pain than good. <hr /></blockquote>Sooner rather than later... in the long run, you'll be glad that you did.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I dont ever want the pain again that I had from the A, but I am not ready to tell my husband right now. <hr /></blockquote>I wonder what your H would say... if he knew.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> In defense of the OM, I really dont think he will ever do this again and has learned his lesson. He is as miserable as I am. He knows this was wrong and understands the potential consequences of his actions. <hr /></blockquote>Does he really? Why are you still talking about the OM??? What about your H???

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I think that he doesnt want this to come out because he has a lot to lose. His wife will probably divorce him (she is not the understanding type), take his son, and she will make sure everyone including where we work knows what happened. He reason to be concerned. <hr /></blockquote>The OM's W's actions don't mean diddly... YOU have a lot to lose... but you CAN rebuild your M if you will stop focusing on the OM and his "problems" and start working toward TELLING YOUR H then rebuilding your M. It appears that instead of discussing "lovey dovey/foggy" things with the OM, you are now discussing your "A problems" with each other. No contact. Period. You MUST stop it if you ever want a chance to rebuild your M with your H.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> ...So in that way talking to him and being friends has been helpful. I have tried to minimize the drama that sometimes comes in a breakup by being open and honest and not playing games. <hr /></blockquote>EVERY time that you talk with the OM, you are playing games with your H... Talking with the OM isn't helpful... neither is being friends.

You've made the right decision to end the A and stop contact with the OM and tell your H.... now all you need to do is follow through and JUST DO IT!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Your thread is titled 'How do you tell your husband you cheated?' and the answer has been answered by the other folks. But how do you tell your husband WHY you cheated? This question is going to be of the utmost importance to him, because it will help him decide whether to continue being married to you or not. He will probably blame himself for not being able to stop you from looking somewhere else but the truth is that your affair came about because of some bad choices on your part.

Julia just because you are a married woman doesn't mean you stop being attracted to other men(and vice versa). There are literally hundreds of thousands of men that you could develop chemistry with and potentially become intimately involved with. You IGNORED this truth and thus crossed this boundary by sharing intimate aspects of your life with your OM.

Your husband needs assurances that this will not happen again. How? by developing an HONEST relationship with him where he will be your number one confidant. Face it, if you had the same level of confidence in sharing your emotions with your husband that you had with your OM, your affair with the OM would probably never happened, right?. And the only way to have this type of relationship is to totally come clean.

The decision is yours. Do you want to live by a dream or live by a lie?

Rebuilding in Faith 90 , i agree with you !

To respond to the previous comment, the more I think about it, no one can speculate whether the OM will cheat again. If he doesnt fix the problems that made him vulverable to an A this time then it could happen again. The same goes for me.

I think for me as a woman this A was more mental/spiritual which made the sex really great. I really felt like I was falling in love and could see myself with him and was ready to drop everything. I think I saw the spiritual connection that was missing from my relationship with my H and couldn't imagine life without it. I also could never let go with my H and for some reason I could let go with the OM.

Therefore, I came into the A completely open with my heart and mind on a platter. Not that I really believe this stuff but it seemed we had a connection on a different level. Completely nonverbal, kinetic/electric, like I could actual feel what he was feeling. Maybe I have read to many spirtual mumbo jumbo books but this seemed like a connection that was unlike any I ever experienced. I was ready to follow my heart and what these nonverbal cues were telling me.

For him I think this was more just sexual and he wasn't looking for nor did he want an emotional or spiritual connection. For a time I had the illusion we were in the same place. I guess that is fog.

At this point it doesnt matter whether it was that he never let himself go or maybe he just never felt it like I did. He considered me a friend, enjoyed my company and I fufilled a sexual need and that was all. He never professed more. He could never let go nor illuded to this other spiritual level. It was all in my head, something I used to justify what I was doing.

The point you were trying to get across is the relationship was not as great as I thought it was and we would not have a good relationship if we ended up together. As I reflect on what he said to me and his actions, I was certainly in a more emotionally available position than he was and I don't think he ever had those feelings. I thought there was nonverbal communication going on but it was probably just an illusion on my part and confused by sexual tension on his part. By thinking we had this "other spiritual level" I was able to completely abandon all sexual boundaries. Knowing that that "level" never existed for him and was only in my mind makes the sex much less appealing. Certainly I don't long for it without that other level.

I guess what I have realized is that the OM did not love me, therefore if somehow his marriage had ended and we ended up together, this could happen again and I could be in the same position his wife is in now. Once I discovered he didn't really love me then I could have also slipped into an affair with another man. The vicious cycle continues...

Not that he didnt care about me it was just different than I imagined...

One of the reasons that I went for the OM was that I was looking for unconditional love and someone who really saw me for who I was. I wanted to believe someone could see inside me for who I was, really connect on a different level and love what was really me. Seeing that he was incabable of feeling that way and that this was just filling a sexual void he was having hurts but helps me to move on. That is not to diminish his feelings or needs which I know were strong.

This doesn't make him bad or his motivations any less than mine but they were different. Understanding that no relationship is ever built just on sex, this would have gone no where and could have ended with one or both of us having an affair if we ended up together. We both have growing to do before we can have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I need to open up to my H and stop protecting myself. Maybe the level I am looking for is here in front of me.

The bottom line is the OM truly loves his wife and I sincerly hope that he finds happiness in her. He has the ingredients of a good husband, is committed to making his marriage work and I think they can work it out. This was always a have your cake and eat it too scenario for him no matter how much I wanted to romanticize it for my needs.

I dont have illusions of a great life with him.

Your point was I need to see the A for what it was. I think I do. Actions speak loudly. I just needed to listen to them.

Julia,

You have guts for coming to this forum! Others in your position have fared about the same. Lots of support for what you will be doing, but also taking hits from others who lash out.

Glad to see you're hanging in here.

You haven't mentioned what all you've read, but I hope that you will read the basic concepts from this website and pick up some good books. Might be hard to have books around the house with the titles I will recommend; but once this is out in the open, you'll want to do some reading.

One issue I'd like to point out that you would read in any of the Harley books is the cause of an affair. Steve Harley, who my H and I have counseled with has made a definite point of saying this.

The cause of affairs is not the result of emotional needs not being met. Lots of people who don't have their emotional needs met don't have affairs. In addition - lots of people who have their most important emotional needs met still have affairs. He does say that not having emotional needs met can contribute to the conditions of the marriage that make affairs a considerstion - but that it's still not the cause.

What Steve Harley states as the cause of an affair is the wayward person's inability to protect themselves from having an affair. This may sound confusing and it is; but that people who have affairs do so because they have a weakness for affairs. In order to affair proof your marriage you have to find out how to affair proof your marriage and protect yourself from your weakness.

Now everyone has weaknesses. I'm not being judgemental here, but self-knowledge in this area is critical in order for you to unravel the details that are specific to your case.

The Harleys have a recovery program that takes you through the steps to help you identify all the details in your situation. Without proper recovery it is likely that you and the OM will continue to have affairs.

In my case one of my weaknesses in my marriage is that I withdraw as a ineffective way to deal with conflict. I'm a conflict avoider. There's clearly no future in "not dealing effectively with conflict". So issues kept building up, I'd withdraw; that would repeat, and repeat some more. Finally my H didn't feel like I was participating in our marriage, and the solution he chose was an affair.

My role in recovery is not allowing myself to withdraw. In the books and on this website, Dr. Harley talks about the 3 states of marriage. 1 being intimacy, 1 being conflict, and the last one being withdrawal.

Understanding my role and realizing that me not meeting my H's most important emotional needs didn't cause his affair are important to our continued recovery.

What you'll find out as you go through the process is that you're probably not meeting your husbands most important needs either. I agree with your wanting to not rush to tell him; and that you and your IC will carefully plan this out. I just think you'll be surprised to learn how much you don't know about having a healthy relationship.

Glad you've got good support. Blessings, CSue

Please continue to be patient with me.

I am getting there so please bear with me. Still feeling foggy I guess.

Points that I acknowledge:

1) I must tell my husband or we will never get to the next level.

2) I must let my husband into my inner most parts of my soul. That is the key to my heart and to my sexuality. That is how I attained such a level with the OM was because I really let myself go. I should use this information in my relationship with H.

3) I need to have minimal to no contact with the OM. Also, see the relationship for what it really was which was a good sexual experience.

Knowing these things does not make them any easier to execute but it is the first step.

Julia,

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> One of the reasons that I went for the OM was that I was looking for unconditional love and someone who really saw me for who I was. I wanted to believe someone could see inside me for who I was, really connect on a different level and love what was really me. <hr /></blockquote>Believe me, it IS possible to have this with your H... but you must first be totally honest with him and give him the chance to decide if he's willing to rebuild the M with you.

I wasn't trying to be harsh in my previous post... but you seem to be consumed with thoughts and feelings for the OM... This is normal, but until you deal with those thoughts and feelings and start focusing your energies on your H and your M... then you really won't have anything to rebuild.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Julia T:
I keep asking myself why did I do this? I am so miserable. There is no easy answer here.
<hr /></blockquote>I compare A with the Apple in the garden of Eden or theRingThatRuleThemAll, the precious. It taste so good but there is so much emotional baggage/hurt that would cause. Be honest, you are more afraid of cutting the ties with with OM than your H would dump you. You should talk to your H about this than to your OM !. You stopped the PA but you are continuing EA !. The answer is easy but walk the talk is not. You have to face the consequences heads on, as HE commandth "go and sin no more"

-rh-

Julia, there is something that CSue said to you which is (in most cases), the WS has not been meeting the BS's needs as well. It is for this reason, your husband MAY be vulnerable to having an affair of his own. I hope that this isn't the case but if there is an urgent need for you to get things going with marital recovery, it is to avoid the BS turning into a WS.

Julia - you need to quit beating around the bushes and just get to it so you can move forward. ANY contact at all will prolong you and your husbands recovery. OM at this point now is like heroine in a needle of a junkie that has almost O.D.'ed - walk away from him. I like a quote I read in another thread - "It's like going to get a life threating tumor removed from your body, you don't go back to the hospital every day to visit it!"

Julia you keep saying Minimal to No contact - It HAS TO BE NO!!! NO NO NO. No Contact period! you may still view the OM as a friend but he is like the Green Goblin to your marriage!

[ April 10, 2003, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Julia T:
3) I need to have minimal to no contact with the OM. Also, see the relationship for what it really was which was a good sexual experience.

<hr /></blockquote>Not minimal contact with OM......no contact. Period. End of discussion.

Also, see the A for what is really was......a relationship based on a fantasy that would not have existed in the real world. A relationship which could destroy not only your M but the OM's M. A relationship where two people put themselves ahead of their marriage, their spouse and their children.

If that's your definition of a good sexual experiance, then yeah I guess it was.
Michael

Also Julia I think you might wanna stop pointing out "How great sex was with the OM" Your not gonna get any blue stars of meriet with the team of MB posters for your sick perversions or your husband for that matter. It was wrong - stop it already. You seem to continue to use that as justification or a pat on the back for what you did.

I'll give you an ounce of credit for coming here to try to bring your marriage around but if you don't stop with the "sexcapade on ice" B.S. we may have to mount fog lights on your forehead.

[ April 10, 2003, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]

Too good to be true- you are right...

I guess until I tell my husband, which will be very soon, I cannot or will not cut ties completely. Minimal contact. I will not see him the rest of this month at all which is good.

Once I havent seen him for awhile it has got to get easier to never to see or speak again. I hate to lose a friend but I guess I should have thought of that before we started the A.

Someone please mount some fog lights on this woman's head! Or better yet I can come park my Nissian Xtera in front of you so you can see through your fog of B.S.!!!

Guys - we are beating a dead horse at this point if she continues to have contact with OM. Only when you tell your husband and get away from the MF'er (OM) will you bring yourself around - but go on and keep kidding yourself if it makes you feel better.

[ April 10, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]

No need to get angry about this. Rome was not built in a day.

I can see that I am focusing on the wrong things. But I am being honest about how I feel and seeing your reactions makes me see how silly they are.

I get it. Have the balls to tell my husband and cut off all contact with the OM.

Easier said than done but I know what I have to do.

When I said silly I mean my feelings are silly not your comments.

Imagine how stupid I am going to feel in 6 months after the fog has lifted.

Boy are you still in the fog. You still are unable to perceive how you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect your husband by withholding the truth from him. What if the roles were reversed and you saw your husband writing to this board with the following comments: I know I should tell my wife but I want to protect the OW since I care still care for her so much. We shared such great sex together. I know she is working on her marriage and I don't want to hurt that. I still have a strong connection with the OW.
We are both sorry so maybe I will tell my wife with the OW present. I guess the bottom line is that if I keep it a secret I can protect my female lover and my wife.

Do you see how sad this is. You are still humiliating your husband and putting the needs of the OM over your husband. If you really love and respect your husband you will be honest with him now and stop rationalizing. You would not want your husband to act in this manner toward you so why are you continuing to act in this manner towards him.
You are not being kind to your husband by your coninuing actions. Stop playing games and do the right thing. Honesty beats deception and lying any day and I think you know this. If you really loved your husband you would not be treating him this way and continuing the deception. If you are not willing to be truthful and honest to your husband then you are somebody that I doubt you wish to be.
You do not treat a husband who loves you the way you are continuing to treat him.

Julia - the only reason I might appear to be a tad angry is I was on the other side of the table of this same game when my wife did this to me so don't take lightly what I say cause I lived this from your husbands standpoint. I stepped into hell and shook the hands of the devil for what she did to me (and what your doing) so don't think twice that my words are maybe harsh but man do I feel for your husband tenfold. At this point no one can change you but yourself. Get a grip of who you are and what your husbands love means to you. You can have sex with virtual anyone but to love someone is all together a different book.

Angry? maybe a little - felt the pain your husband will no doubt feel?? Yes. At this point your waiting for echoes from angels who are really the devil in disguise.

[ April 10, 2003, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I hate to lose a friend <hr /></blockquote>Oops, you hit a trigger! The OM was my wife's best "friend" for a couple of years, and a co-worker. What kind of a "friend" asks someone to violate their most deeply held religious and moral beliefs, break their word to another person, put themselves at risk for a fatal or incurable disease, put at risk their family, and engage in an activity that, if discovered, could get them both fired from jobs they love? If this is "friendship", give me enmity.

Just one clarification that I should have made a long time ago. I never suggested that the OM and I tell my husband about the affair together. That was a misunderstanding/misprint. I meant we would tell both of our spouses at the same time. (generality not in the same place or in the presence of each other...) I would never think of having the OM in the same room when I told my husband.

You are right on about the friend statement. I never thought of it that way.

Quit waiting on OM - tell your husband already. If OM jumped off a bridge you going to also? Make your own path here - F%$K what OM does. Stand up and take a stand for yourself. Puppet on a evil emotional string...... Who's your master here????

[ April 10, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Julia T:
Too good to be true- you are right...

I guess until I tell my husband, which will be very soon, I cannot or will not cut ties completely. Minimal contact. I will not see him the rest of this month at all which is good.

Once I havent seen him for awhile it has got to get easier to never to see or speak again. I hate to lose a friend but I guess I should have thought of that before we started the A.<hr /></blockquote>Julia ... Have you see theLorOfTheRings ?. Watch it again ... A is the precious one, trying to get you to the dark one with only one purpose of destrying humanity. No mortal one is immune, not even Frodo !. The longer you stay the longer you will get suck into it. The more you listen to it the more it gets to you. The lure is the promise of power and longevity the reality is it would suck the life of you. This A would promise you happiness but does it ? . It gave you short fullfilment then bring you with guilt and no end in sight. This is why we equate A with addiction ... you know you have to stop it but can't. This is why some poster trying to give up on you ... we are talking to the precious one !, we are not talking to Julia. As long as you are hangin in here we would. I have seen how A destroy my M, my finances, my carreer ... I am fighting for it not to destroy my 2 D and my life. Also it destoryed OMW, his kids and his M. Now it starts to eat up exW ... by the time she is waking up she would sing this song ... Gollum's Song.

-rh-

Julia ... first let me say that I do commend your courage for both coming on this board, having the guts to stick it out through our comments, and by allowing yourself to listen and manifest some of the advice into your situation. I have actualy learned a few things through your words.

With that being said, the longer you wait to tell your husband, the more and more vindictive this situation will become ... meaning that right now, you have control over when to tell your husband and of course that will make a huge difference in your road to recovery if that's the choice he makes. The longer you wait, the more the chances increase that he will find out through some other means. This gives him more ammunition to possibly take your son and get as far away from you as possible.

You have barely mentioned your son at all in this thread ... let me put it to you this way: Would you want someone to tell you if someone was sexually molesting your son? When would you want to know? Immediately, or two or three weeks down the road when some "therapist" tells you that it would be better for you to hear it at that time? I'm sorry to sound harsh here, but your A in fact WAS a molestation of sorts. It was abuse in essence, to everyone involved. Regarding the NC rule, try this one on for size: After your son was molested, whether it was once, five, or more than a dozen times, would you want that person anywhere near your son OR your family? I think not!!!!! Your husband is going to view your OM more than likely just as he would someone that violated your son. And, actually, he did violate your son and your family ... he made the choice (along with you) when the A started to shatter both of them.

The next time you post, please tell us that you have told him. I am very sorry to sound harsh ... I know you know these things, and I know you know it's a no-win situation no matter where you go. All you can do now is tell him immediately and get down on your knees and pray.

Start forgiving yourself immediately ... it is an eternal gift that you will benefit from first and as a result so will everyone else around you.

Blessings ...

Dear Julia:

I am sorry for the pain you and your family are in.

I agree with everything all the previous posters are saying.

You must end all contact

You must tell your H

You must stop focusing on your OM and start focusing on yourself your H and your own family.

However; you did say something that I tend to agree with, you are working with a counsellor with your H as to the best way to tell him.

We don't know your H. He may have violent tendencies or may be emotionally weak at this time given that I am sure ,with the A, his needs and consideration for him has taken a serious back burner in your areas of concern.

I like the idea of building his love bank a bit and letting your counsellor talk to both of you to develope a plan. This is a wise course of action.

Given that telling him is a must and the sooner the better. It is only fair that he has all the facts surrounding his life.

Just food for thought.

Jack

Thank everyone for the great advice. I actually off to another meeting with the therapist. (bit of an emergency session.) I am quite torn about what to do.

This therapist saw my husband for 2 years after the death of his brother so knows him very well. He doesnt think I should do anything rash and tell him right now. So we are going to talk about it.

Post after I return....

Hi Julia,

I agree with the other posters. You need to tell your H and soon.

I have known for a year about my H's A. For reasons on my thread and I will not go into here, I have not been able to confront, but will very soon. I keep wishing he would tell me. I want very badly for him to tell me. I would rather hear it from him, than for me to tell him what I know.

Now, to the OM. You owe him nothing, you have not committment with him. Your R was based on deceit, the committment to never tell is based on deceit.

You can never have contact with OM again. Even legit contact will bring back all the old feelings of betrayal for your H and he will wonder if it is starting up again. Before the month is done, I think you should have told your husband, and have a NC letter written and mailed to OM. This month of NC is your golden opportunity to end it once and for all. If you see OM after the month is done, you will be right back where you were.

Contact with OM will hinder recovery with your M, it will hinder the healing process of your H and it will hinder you leaving the fog.

This man was not a friend, if he was, he would have never gotten involved in this R with you. He would have had too much respect for you to do this.

Good Luck adn take care

Julia,

I am not so worry about how & when you would tell you H !, you know better your H and you are paying a professional to give you advice. I am worry about your continues contact and plan to have continues contact with OM. Does your MC told you it is fine too ?. I would second guess if your MC told you it is fine !.

-rh-

I would suggest going to the site findarticles.com and reading "Shattered Vows" by psychology today. It is an excellent article and explains why the BS needs to know and how it's like a puzzle. You have the pieces but your husband can't put the puzzle together without them.

For me the not knowing was worse than knowing the details. The not knowing almost drove me crazy.

JT:
Tell your H. I agree with the others. As a BH I felt that the delay between the end of the A and my notification was at least as humiliating.
Be prepared for the stages, and know they will pass.
The responses of BS seem to be all over the place. I don't think any of us can predict your H's reaction; both you and he are unique human beings. Still, the trend is patience, hard work and perseverence seem to win out.
I do think you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Be strong!

Julia T,

Usually just lurk, but there is a thread on the In Recovery board titled Two years since D-day and still no trust by MichaelinDallas. He discovered the affair and is still having trust issues. I think most of the replies back have been to tell him now. I think you need to consider if there is ANY possibility that your husband may discover this on his own. If there is (even a 1% chance) then work with the IC on not timing the discussion, just work on HOW to do it, the TIME to do it is NOW!

Hi Julia-
As a fWS (d-day 3 years ago) I wanted to give you another perspective. I had a long A with a “friend.” It was very emotionally intense. I could have written much what you did about the A and the OM. We felt we were “soulmates.” I know that your feelings were real - that the idea that you may never have that kind of connection with your H is a stumbling block. But what everyone has said here is true - the relationship with OM was not real. The feelings were real, but you created a situation of newness, sexual tension, illicit romance that provided a backdrop for a heady attraction and relationship. I am not being critical, I know this because I did it, too. This can NEVER last. NEVER. We all wish we could have those same feelings about our spouses, and you can. But you can not have a R like that, lasting forever with anyone. Why? Because it was not in the real world. You were dating. You created a situation that was all about the two of you, your feelings, romance and sex. Even the fear, and guilt plays into it. There was no mortgage to pay, son to raise, dirty laundry or family members dying. It was a relationship built on thrill, deceit and newness. I know you know it was not real. I also know that it still is not easy to give up. That’s the addiction part.

Can you have elements of this kind of deep connection-type relationship in your marriage. YES you can. Many of us in recovery have found that once the A and many of the M issues are exposed, there is a lot of pain, but gradually an honesty and understanding that is far better than we ever had before in our M’s. You can have that, if your H decides to stay and rebuild, which is likely he will. If you can get through this trauma together, you have a very good chance of having a much deeper, closer, emotionally honest R with your H. Plus, you will have the other parts of a REAL long-term marriage that includes values, that I can see from your posts, you respect. Like honesty, loyalty, integrity. And like someone else around here said recently, maybey you’ll have someone to wipe the drool off your chin when you are 95.

You care/cared about the OM. It is hard to step back now and say how he feels does not matter, as everyone here is telling you. I understand how you feel. But the truth is, what you REALLY need to do is re-establish in your life that what should be more important to you is how your H feels. You need to make him your best friend again and your confidante. If you make his feelings a priority, then any decision about contact, concerns about OM become clear. Choose your marriage. I will say this, too, not wanting to hurt any BS’s who are reading. Choose your marriage because it is right, not because at this moment in time it FEELS right. It will take time to get through withdrawal from OM, and rebuild with your H. But for now, do it because you know it is right, you owe it to your H, to your son and yourself to do the right thing. The rest will follow.

I did not tell my H. I was found out and confessed. I do not envy you the task. I do however, envy you the opportunity to have the honor to do the right thing. I could have and didn’t. I still have to live with that shame.

Julia,

I really recommend that you listen to what Clouds is saying.

I would like to take this in a different direction if you don't mind. But, first I do think you have gotten the idea that people here think telling your H about the A is crucial. So I won't belabor the point.

I would like to suggest you step further and consider what to do AFTER you tell your H. I would like to suggest that you and your counselor put together a plan on how to work on your marriage. How to include your H into this part without the implicit "OR ELSE" feelings he will have.

I would like to suggest that if you haven't already get the book Surviving an Affair by Harley, and/or find some others and read them. As I am sure you are sensing it isn't enough that the BS survive the affair, it is crucial that the WS do as well.

It isn't clear that you will ever come to hate, dislike, or really not care for OM. But, once the ramifications of what you have done to so many people become clear to you, and it will no matter what you do, then you will see each other as pretty selfish. It is true you were and are.

However, it is also true that you must HEAL from this as must your H. So please think a few moves ahead on this and start to plan. My first suggestion is to consider what would have made your marriage better, from your point of view and your H's. Things he could do for you, and things you could do for him.

Start to focus on the resolution of this event in your life. That is my advice.

God Bless,

JL

Julia,

Are you still with us? Please let us know what has transpired. You haven't posted in a couple of days. I hope this doesn't mean things have taken a negative turn. Don't forget that we're here to support you through recovery as well, whatever choice your husband makes.

Thanks,
Sealfan
"Kiss From a Rose ..."

Julia T :

My W told me everything of her own accord - so ashamed about the A that she sat me down and admitted all - the night after it happened.

AND I AM ACTUALLY VERY PROUD OF HER COURAGE & HONESTY.

She did not have to tell me - OK I might have found out later ... and I might not. She was looking down the barrel of a gun but was still sure of what she was doing and that it was right.

This means to me :-

1. That she was ashamed and regretful of what she had done.

2. That she wanted to be honest and was reaching out for my support (probably thinking why should she get it?)

3. That she wanted to give me the choice regarding whether to walk out or stay.

4. That she wanted to make it work (or she could have just walked out and sent me an email)

5. That by telling me something that happened with someone I knew and would never have suspected, she exposed the OM to my future surveillance. By naming him, she was also being more than honest.

6. That by asking me to be with her - even to pick her up on girls nights out, or even to turn up a few hours before so that we can be together at the end of the evening, reinforced to me that she does not want to repeat her mistake and does not want this OM (or anyone else) to get the wrong signals, based on the commonly mistaken attitude of some guys that all girls out with their friends and tipsy are really looking to have sex with them.

OK, I went through (what I know now) to be classic reactions and nearly broke us up with my outbursts and abuse towards her.

Now I have had time to calm down a bit and realise that it is a two-way thing, I am starting to cut out the love-busters and work with her.

She has gone back to her family (3500 miles away) to get some space. Being alone makes me realise what life would truly be like without her and more determined to cut out the LB's altogether when she gets home.

I dearly hope that she does not change her mind about us. She is determined to enjoy her holiday and not talk to anyone about our problems, so that she does not get any bad advice or pressure to leave me altogether.

This is my mortal fear, but I have to give her this space and improve the trust that she is already instilling in me.

I love her dearly and regret all the terrible things I said to her.

She deserves my respect for her courage and a chance to work together for a better marriage.

It was a very painful "wake-up call for me" but one I will not forget and will make me more aware of her needs in the future.

Go for it girl - whatever happens you will know you told the truth ... and you may be pleasantly surprised with the best marriage anyone ever had.

Footnote : Had I found out from someone else I believe that I might have reacted very differently - my respect for her courage and honesty, together with my undying love, is what spurs me on to stay and work it out.

There will be no "good time" to tell him, there will be no "good way" (well, other than a completely honest one) to tell him, but it will get worse the longer you put it off. As a few have pointed out, the longer you wait, the more likely you are to get "caught" instead.

You mentioned something about waiting to tell your H until OM told his W. My OM either didn't tell his W for months, or still hasn't told her. You can't live your life for OM anymore, in anyway. You're still putting him ahead of you H if you "wait for him to tell".

I'd do anything to go back and confess my A to my H instead of getting caught. I think taking the step to confess and be honest builds some trust towards rebuilding a M, rather than having to be confronted or get "caught". I'm speaking from painful first hand experience here.

You're right by the way, the less contact you have with OM, the easier it all gets. So...

Ditch the OM.
Cut off all contact with him.
Stop worrying about what OM does or doesn't do.
Tell your H the truth.
Continue to go for counselling.
Try to get your H to go for MC if/when he's comfortable.

I pray that you have the strength and kindness in your heart to tell your H the truth, sooner rather than later.

Jen

Well, first of all, you need to just come right out and tell him. Be totally honest about everything. Don't leave out anything, because if you do and he finds out later, it will make everything worse. I am not saying tell him every little detail, but why you did it, how you feel about the OM now, and how you feel about him. Whatever happens is going to happen, but you need to be honest. If you are not honest about it now, the longer you wait will make it worse. Also, your conscience will kill you mentally eventually.

I can give you first hand advice. A bit of background first. Wife cheated on me with a man she met on the internet we have been married for 5 years, after a 6 month interent chat relationship she went to stay with OM for 2 weeks (suppose to be visiting her family). I found out when i couldnt get ahold of her and looked at her computer. She had sex with him the first night she was with him (unprotected).

My wife is young kind of a gullable innocent type so i thought, but attractive and funny, but very jealose of my ex-wife, almost freeky, well actually very freeky. Wife always blamed me for marrying my ex-wife first. Basically mad at me, tried many times actually 1000's of times explaining to her that we are married and if i would have met you before my ex-wife that i would have fell in love with you BUT i didnt know you existed.

I found out about her affair and told her off and to stay out of my life, your a pig etc. etc. etc.
After thinking about the situation and calmed down i contacted her and said lets talk about us before i send divorce papers. Wife told me she was in love with the other man etc. etc.
She wrote the OM she wanted to marry him and have his children etc. (crazy stuff) but after she realized i was serious about talking to her about the future and possible forgiveness she never contacted the OM again and explained in detail everything and why she told the OM this weird creepy stuff (lost me had nothing/nobody or a place to go). She thought she lost me and had destroyed everything over what she thought was going to be a "movie type affair like the movie UNFAITHFUL" she said she wanted to leave after the first night because the sexualy encounter lasted 2-3 minutes and they never even took of their shirts or touched eachother other then the incertion (i do believe her because the stories she told me border out-right laughter, i could explain in detail but im sure you get the picture.) Wife was a virgin as well and had no idea about other men sexually. My wife and I have always had a very sexual relationship and I would always make sure she was happy before i made myself happy, OM must have been either a virgin or somthing wrong with him.

I do find comfort that my wife did not have an orgasim with the OM, but do not understand why she didnt atleast wear protection and her excuses are she didnt know how to ask him etc. she also explained that her had no semen because after there 5 sexual encounters in 2 weeks there was no semen ever inside her or anywhere (like the details?, gets alot weirder but it would be 50 pages long in detail.)

After all the wifes explanations its basically comes down to her jealosy that i had a serious relationship before her and her wanting to see what sleeping with another man was like. She crys all the time and covers her ears when i talk about it.

Heres the advice:

If you want your husband to ever look at you with respect, never ever tell him. I will never look at my wife the same, no amount of therapy or brain washing can help me. The damage is permanent, irreversable,im not the same person. I do not feel bad when she is sad, I do not believe she is honost, even though she may be and most liekly is a good person who made a horrible mistake. I appear to be jealose on occations but im not, i fear the betrayal of trust and shame. Lies make me furious. Sometimes I look at my wife and I see a monster or a stranger. Both our familys look and treat her different now, it is very very sad and I feel sad somtimes if i put myself in her shoes.

I cant understand why a person (you as well) would risk everything for possible short term fantasy or pleasure and risk self respect and the respect and health of family. You will always have to live with what you do and have done, others do not deserve to be punished every day by thinking of what you have done (you will be punishing your husband by making him think of what you have done every day for eternity, he probably deserves more). Do not ever tell him about how great your sexual experiences were if you do tell him about the affair. If you feel the need to punish yourself, slap you face as hard as you can and pray yourself to sleep and for forgivness. Many husbands get violent like myself when they are told about or find out about an affair, then your husband will feel the shame of slaping his wife around and that will add to the punishment he will go through. Perhaps im an extreeme example of a BS.

Julia,

I recently told my H about my affair so I am hoping to be able to offer you some advice through my own experience.

I would suggest you be careful with explicit details. They can cause scars that may never heal. They will form images in his mind that he is better off not having. I know that MB encourages 'radical' honesty...but it is my personal belief (and our therapist's) that some things are better left undisclosed. Answer his questions best you can but handle the details with caution. Ask him if he really wants to know. Tell him to think about it for a few days and then come back if any haunting questions regarding the details of the sexual encounters remain and HAVE to be answered. Even then, handle with caution. You will be pouring salt into a raw and open wound and forming visual images in his mind.

And by all means get tested for STD's. I had to. Even tho I was sure my partner was safe, I did it to assure H.

A good book I would suggest is "Emotional Infidelity" How to affair-proof your marraige and 10 other secrets to a great marriage. It's by Gary M. Neuman. It covers how to disclose an
affair as well as how to handle telling the sexual details. The advice was quite helpful.

Breeney

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by breeney3:

I would suggest you be careful with explicit details. They can cause scars that may never heal. They will form images in his mind that he is better off not having. I know that MB encourages 'radical' honesty...but it is my personal belief (and our therapist's) that some things are better left undisclosed. Answer his questions best you can but handle the details with caution. Ask him if he really wants to know. Tell him to think about it for a few days and then come back if any haunting questions regarding the details of the sexual encounters remain and HAVE to be answered. <hr /></blockquote>Overall,Great Advice.I disagree about your belief on the details. He may not be able to handle the truth, but it is still the truth. Its his decision if the details are too much.... not yours. If the truth is something that would make him leave you, again, that is his decision to make, not yours. To withold hold the truth is to show disrespect.

Handle the details with caution, ask if he really wants to know. But, in the end, if he wants to know, you must tell him the truth. Don't withold. He is your husband, and will know if you are not telling the whole truth. Then his imagination will really run wild. Our imagined fears are usually much worse than the truth, so if he insists, tell him
Michael

[ April 21, 2003, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]

oops...premature postulation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

[ April 21, 2003, 09:17 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]

julia t

My heart goes out to you but hasn't this been drawn out long enough? I know too well the decision you are trying to make. Unlike you I didn't tell until my lovely wide suspected my A already.

I am not trying to be harsh and everthing I am posting to you I could have posted to myself too. So this is also a flame of sorts on me.

I read this thread and you and others talk about making love bank deposits while continuing the A, lies, deceipt...whatever you want to call it. Once you tell your husband nothing you have done prior to that is gonna make a lick of difference to him. Anything nice you have done will seem cheap to him. So what you if you made him dinner or are being extra-nice, in his eyes you were feeling guilt and trying to make up for it.

You gotta tell him now. I should told my lovely wife back in Dec when I ended it. 4 months later APR 02,2003 I confess and guess what happens.............My lovely wife moved out to day. S-E-P-A-R-A-T-I-O-N.

My lovely wife never got over her OM and drug it on and out. NC never happend or rather happend several times. 10 mos after her D-Day, her feelings are just as strong for her OM now as they were then. If you want your marriage then you gotta do this ASAP. Everyday you drag this out is one more day your husband thinks things are o.k.

There has been tons of great advice handed to you on this thread and the one you posted before on the same subject. I guess I am upset because I see you knowing what to do and it seems that you understand exactly what you are doing and you continue not to do it.

Scenario....
You tell your husband tonight, he says nothing. Doesn't get pissed and blames himself for no meeting your needs. See HN/HN in the bookstore, happens accross this site. Looks around sees a thread about how to tell your husband I cheated. It probably wouln't take much for him to figure out who's story tis is.

In his head you cared more about the OM an whether or not he was going to tell his W about the affair at the same time you told him. He sees you spilling your guts about the hurt and pain you know that you are causing him to total strangers. He sees this thread drag out for two weeks with people giving you the same advice over and over. He sees how you are hurting and that you felt that you couldn't trust him enough to confess.

Damn skippy he is gonna be hurt...no good time no good way to tell him. But there are bad ways not to and this is one of them. You are being selfish by not telling him.

I feel for you and I empathize with you like not too many others can. I have been a BS twice and a WS once. My emotions, guilt, remorse, repentance and forgiveness are or were at an all time high.

You obviously love you husband. It is time to show him.

God bless you Julia