Julia you have to stop thinking about what is right or wrong for the OM. Every post you keep talking about the OM....please think of your husband and as hard as it is telling him now it is the best thing. You owe him at least that much to at least come clean now.
Believe me it's harder to hear from a WS that they had an affair months after the fact. Think about what's best for YOU and your HUSBAND and your family. Let OM handle his own busness.

Carl

Hi Julia,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The OM contacted me and was for obvious reasons very concerned about my telling my spouse for fear his spouse would find out. He was supportive if it is what I want to do. I do think he wants me to find happiness and be able to work it out. I can see his point though that he doesnt want his wife to find out from someone other than him. (or at all) I dont want to inflict that pain on them either. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OM's problems are HIS problems. HE is responsible for his actions just as you are responsible for yours. Of course the OM doesn't want his BS to find out!!! Your comment of not wanting to "inflict pain" on the OM and his W is a moot point... You've already inflicted pain on the OM's W and your H... they just don't know about it...yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We also had a good discussions about what I have been learning about why this relationship started, why it ended, the need for NC and the need to be completely honest with our spouses. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Send the OM a no contact letter. Don't answer his calls. Don't reply to his e-mail... Better yet, change your phone numbers and e-mail address. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR M and YOUR LIFE!!! You are still in the A with the OM if you are still "talking" with him...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is worried about his wife finding out which I don't blame him. He says things are getting better between them and he doesnt want to endanger that. He is being honest that he feels very vulnerable and doesnt want to have this come out right now. Maybe someday but not until he is ready. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course he's worried!!! He should be... Once his W finds out, SHE will have to decide if she's willing to stay and rebuild the M or if she wants to divorce him. If YOU were this OM's W, how would you feel right now? Would YOU want to know if YOUR H was in an A????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...I am going to tell but I am not going to be rash about it. He deserves to know but I think with the A with the OM just ending it is too raw and would cause more pain than good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sooner rather than later... in the long run, you'll be glad that you did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I dont ever want the pain again that I had from the A, but I am not ready to tell my husband right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder what your H would say... if he knew.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In defense of the OM, I really dont think he will ever do this again and has learned his lesson. He is as miserable as I am. He knows this was wrong and understands the potential consequences of his actions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he really? Why are you still talking about the OM??? What about your H???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that he doesnt want this to come out because he has a lot to lose. His wife will probably divorce him (she is not the understanding type), take his son, and she will make sure everyone including where we work knows what happened. He reason to be concerned. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OM's W's actions don't mean diddly... YOU have a lot to lose... but you CAN rebuild your M if you will stop focusing on the OM and his "problems" and start working toward TELLING YOUR H then rebuilding your M. It appears that instead of discussing "lovey dovey/foggy" things with the OM, you are now discussing your "A problems" with each other. No contact. Period. You MUST stop it if you ever want a chance to rebuild your M with your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...So in that way talking to him and being friends has been helpful. I have tried to minimize the drama that sometimes comes in a breakup by being open and honest and not playing games. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EVERY time that you talk with the OM, you are playing games with your H... Talking with the OM isn't helpful... neither is being friends.

You've made the right decision to end the A and stop contact with the OM and tell your H.... now all you need to do is follow through and JUST DO IT!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Your thread is titled 'How do you tell your husband you cheated?' and the answer has been answered by the other folks. But how do you tell your husband WHY you cheated? This question is going to be of the utmost importance to him, because it will help him decide whether to continue being married to you or not. He will probably blame himself for not being able to stop you from looking somewhere else but the truth is that your affair came about because of some bad choices on your part.

Julia just because you are a married woman doesn't mean you stop being attracted to other men(and vice versa). There are literally hundreds of thousands of men that you could develop chemistry with and potentially become intimately involved with. You IGNORED this truth and thus crossed this boundary by sharing intimate aspects of your life with your OM.

Your husband needs assurances that this will not happen again. How? by developing an HONEST relationship with him where he will be your number one confidant. Face it, if you had the same level of confidence in sharing your emotions with your husband that you had with your OM, your affair with the OM would probably never happened, right?. And the only way to have this type of relationship is to totally come clean.

The decision is yours. Do you want to live by a dream or live by a lie?

Rebuilding in Faith 90 , i agree with you !

To respond to the previous comment, the more I think about it, no one can speculate whether the OM will cheat again. If he doesnt fix the problems that made him vulverable to an A this time then it could happen again. The same goes for me.

I think for me as a woman this A was more mental/spiritual which made the sex really great. I really felt like I was falling in love and could see myself with him and was ready to drop everything. I think I saw the spiritual connection that was missing from my relationship with my H and couldn't imagine life without it. I also could never let go with my H and for some reason I could let go with the OM.

Therefore, I came into the A completely open with my heart and mind on a platter. Not that I really believe this stuff but it seemed we had a connection on a different level. Completely nonverbal, kinetic/electric, like I could actual feel what he was feeling. Maybe I have read to many spirtual mumbo jumbo books but this seemed like a connection that was unlike any I ever experienced. I was ready to follow my heart and what these nonverbal cues were telling me.

For him I think this was more just sexual and he wasn't looking for nor did he want an emotional or spiritual connection. For a time I had the illusion we were in the same place. I guess that is fog.

At this point it doesnt matter whether it was that he never let himself go or maybe he just never felt it like I did. He considered me a friend, enjoyed my company and I fufilled a sexual need and that was all. He never professed more. He could never let go nor illuded to this other spiritual level. It was all in my head, something I used to justify what I was doing.

The point you were trying to get across is the relationship was not as great as I thought it was and we would not have a good relationship if we ended up together. As I reflect on what he said to me and his actions, I was certainly in a more emotionally available position than he was and I don't think he ever had those feelings. I thought there was nonverbal communication going on but it was probably just an illusion on my part and confused by sexual tension on his part. By thinking we had this "other spiritual level" I was able to completely abandon all sexual boundaries. Knowing that that "level" never existed for him and was only in my mind makes the sex much less appealing. Certainly I don't long for it without that other level.

I guess what I have realized is that the OM did not love me, therefore if somehow his marriage had ended and we ended up together, this could happen again and I could be in the same position his wife is in now. Once I discovered he didn't really love me then I could have also slipped into an affair with another man. The vicious cycle continues...

Not that he didnt care about me it was just different than I imagined...

One of the reasons that I went for the OM was that I was looking for unconditional love and someone who really saw me for who I was. I wanted to believe someone could see inside me for who I was, really connect on a different level and love what was really me. Seeing that he was incabable of feeling that way and that this was just filling a sexual void he was having hurts but helps me to move on. That is not to diminish his feelings or needs which I know were strong.

This doesn't make him bad or his motivations any less than mine but they were different. Understanding that no relationship is ever built just on sex, this would have gone no where and could have ended with one or both of us having an affair if we ended up together. We both have growing to do before we can have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I need to open up to my H and stop protecting myself. Maybe the level I am looking for is here in front of me.

The bottom line is the OM truly loves his wife and I sincerly hope that he finds happiness in her. He has the ingredients of a good husband, is committed to making his marriage work and I think they can work it out. This was always a have your cake and eat it too scenario for him no matter how much I wanted to romanticize it for my needs.

I dont have illusions of a great life with him.

Your point was I need to see the A for what it was. I think I do. Actions speak loudly. I just needed to listen to them.

Julia,

You have guts for coming to this forum! Others in your position have fared about the same. Lots of support for what you will be doing, but also taking hits from others who lash out.

Glad to see you're hanging in here.

You haven't mentioned what all you've read, but I hope that you will read the basic concepts from this website and pick up some good books. Might be hard to have books around the house with the titles I will recommend; but once this is out in the open, you'll want to do some reading.

One issue I'd like to point out that you would read in any of the Harley books is the cause of an affair. Steve Harley, who my H and I have counseled with has made a definite point of saying this.

The cause of affairs is not the result of emotional needs not being met. Lots of people who don't have their emotional needs met don't have affairs. In addition - lots of people who have their most important emotional needs met still have affairs. He does say that not having emotional needs met can contribute to the conditions of the marriage that make affairs a considerstion - but that it's still not the cause.

What Steve Harley states as the cause of an affair is the wayward person's inability to protect themselves from having an affair. This may sound confusing and it is; but that people who have affairs do so because they have a weakness for affairs. In order to affair proof your marriage you have to find out how to affair proof your marriage and protect yourself from your weakness.

Now everyone has weaknesses. I'm not being judgemental here, but self-knowledge in this area is critical in order for you to unravel the details that are specific to your case.

The Harleys have a recovery program that takes you through the steps to help you identify all the details in your situation. Without proper recovery it is likely that you and the OM will continue to have affairs.

In my case one of my weaknesses in my marriage is that I withdraw as a ineffective way to deal with conflict. I'm a conflict avoider. There's clearly no future in "not dealing effectively with conflict". So issues kept building up, I'd withdraw; that would repeat, and repeat some more. Finally my H didn't feel like I was participating in our marriage, and the solution he chose was an affair.

My role in recovery is not allowing myself to withdraw. In the books and on this website, Dr. Harley talks about the 3 states of marriage. 1 being intimacy, 1 being conflict, and the last one being withdrawal.

Understanding my role and realizing that me not meeting my H's most important emotional needs didn't cause his affair are important to our continued recovery.

What you'll find out as you go through the process is that you're probably not meeting your husbands most important needs either. I agree with your wanting to not rush to tell him; and that you and your IC will carefully plan this out. I just think you'll be surprised to learn how much you don't know about having a healthy relationship.

Glad you've got good support. Blessings, CSue

Please continue to be patient with me.

I am getting there so please bear with me. Still feeling foggy I guess.

Points that I acknowledge:

1) I must tell my husband or we will never get to the next level.

2) I must let my husband into my inner most parts of my soul. That is the key to my heart and to my sexuality. That is how I attained such a level with the OM was because I really let myself go. I should use this information in my relationship with H.

3) I need to have minimal to no contact with the OM. Also, see the relationship for what it really was which was a good sexual experience.

Knowing these things does not make them any easier to execute but it is the first step.

Julia,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One of the reasons that I went for the OM was that I was looking for unconditional love and someone who really saw me for who I was. I wanted to believe someone could see inside me for who I was, really connect on a different level and love what was really me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me, it IS possible to have this with your H... but you must first be totally honest with him and give him the chance to decide if he's willing to rebuild the M with you.

I wasn't trying to be harsh in my previous post... but you seem to be consumed with thoughts and feelings for the OM... This is normal, but until you deal with those thoughts and feelings and start focusing your energies on your H and your M... then you really won't have anything to rebuild.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Julia T:
<strong>I keep asking myself why did I do this? I am so miserable. There is no easy answer here.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I compare A with the Apple in the garden of Eden or theRingThatRuleThemAll, the precious. It taste so good but there is so much emotional baggage/hurt that would cause. Be honest, you are more afraid of cutting the ties with with OM than your H would dump you. You should talk to your H about this than to your OM !. You stopped the PA but you are continuing EA !. The answer is easy but walk the talk is not. You have to face the consequences heads on, as HE commandth "go and sin no more"

-rh-

Julia, there is something that CSue said to you which is (in most cases), the WS has not been meeting the BS's needs as well. It is for this reason, your husband MAY be vulnerable to having an affair of his own. I hope that this isn't the case but if there is an urgent need for you to get things going with marital recovery, it is to avoid the BS turning into a WS.

Julia - you need to quit beating around the bushes and just get to it so you can move forward. ANY contact at all will prolong you and your husbands recovery. OM at this point now is like heroine in a needle of a junkie that has almost O.D.'ed - walk away from him. I like a quote I read in another thread - "It's like going to get a life threating tumor removed from your body, you don't go back to the hospital every day to visit it!"

Julia you keep saying Minimal to No contact - It HAS TO BE NO!!! NO NO NO. No Contact period! you may still view the OM as a friend but he is like the Green Goblin to your marriage!

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Julia T:
<strong>3) I need to have minimal to no contact with the OM. Also, see the relationship for what it really was which was a good sexual experience.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not minimal contact with OM......no contact. Period. End of discussion.

Also, see the A for what is really was......a relationship based on a fantasy that would not have existed in the real world. A relationship which could destroy not only your M but the OM's M. A relationship where two people put themselves ahead of their marriage, their spouse and their children.

If that's your definition of a good sexual experiance, then yeah I guess it was.
Michael

Also Julia I think you might wanna stop pointing out "How great sex was with the OM" Your not gonna get any blue stars of meriet with the team of MB posters for your sick perversions or your husband for that matter. It was wrong - stop it already. You seem to continue to use that as justification or a pat on the back for what you did.

I'll give you an ounce of credit for coming here to try to bring your marriage around but if you don't stop with the "sexcapade on ice" B.S. we may have to mount fog lights on your forehead.

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

Too good to be true- you are right...

I guess until I tell my husband, which will be very soon, I cannot or will not cut ties completely. Minimal contact. I will not see him the rest of this month at all which is good.

Once I havent seen him for awhile it has got to get easier to never to see or speak again. I hate to lose a friend but I guess I should have thought of that before we started the A.

Someone please mount some fog lights on this woman's head! Or better yet I can come park my Nissian Xtera in front of you so you can see through your fog of B.S.!!!

Guys - we are beating a dead horse at this point if she continues to have contact with OM. Only when you tell your husband and get away from the MF'er (OM) will you bring yourself around - but go on and keep kidding yourself if it makes you feel better.

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

No need to get angry about this. Rome was not built in a day.

I can see that I am focusing on the wrong things. But I am being honest about how I feel and seeing your reactions makes me see how silly they are.

I get it. Have the balls to tell my husband and cut off all contact with the OM.

Easier said than done but I know what I have to do.

When I said silly I mean my feelings are silly not your comments.

Imagine how stupid I am going to feel in 6 months after the fog has lifted.

Boy are you still in the fog. You still are unable to perceive how you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect your husband by withholding the truth from him. What if the roles were reversed and you saw your husband writing to this board with the following comments: I know I should tell my wife but I want to protect the OW since I care still care for her so much. We shared such great sex together. I know she is working on her marriage and I don't want to hurt that. I still have a strong connection with the OW.
We are both sorry so maybe I will tell my wife with the OW present. I guess the bottom line is that if I keep it a secret I can protect my female lover and my wife.

Do you see how sad this is. You are still humiliating your husband and putting the needs of the OM over your husband. If you really love and respect your husband you will be honest with him now and stop rationalizing. You would not want your husband to act in this manner toward you so why are you continuing to act in this manner towards him.
You are not being kind to your husband by your coninuing actions. Stop playing games and do the right thing. Honesty beats deception and lying any day and I think you know this. If you really loved your husband you would not be treating him this way and continuing the deception. If you are not willing to be truthful and honest to your husband then you are somebody that I doubt you wish to be.
You do not treat a husband who loves you the way you are continuing to treat him.

Julia - the only reason I might appear to be a tad angry is I was on the other side of the table of this same game when my wife did this to me so don't take lightly what I say cause I lived this from your husbands standpoint. I stepped into hell and shook the hands of the devil for what she did to me (and what your doing) so don't think twice that my words are maybe harsh but man do I feel for your husband tenfold. At this point no one can change you but yourself. Get a grip of who you are and what your husbands love means to you. You can have sex with virtual anyone but to love someone is all together a different book.

Angry? maybe a little - felt the pain your husband will no doubt feel?? Yes. At this point your waiting for echoes from angels who are really the devil in disguise.

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hate to lose a friend </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oops, you hit a trigger! The OM was my wife's best "friend" for a couple of years, and a co-worker. What kind of a "friend" asks someone to violate their most deeply held religious and moral beliefs, break their word to another person, put themselves at risk for a fatal or incurable disease, put at risk their family, and engage in an activity that, if discovered, could get them both fired from jobs they love? If this is "friendship", give me enmity.