Just one clarification that I should have made a long time ago. I never suggested that the OM and I tell my husband about the affair together. That was a misunderstanding/misprint. I meant we would tell both of our spouses at the same time. (generality not in the same place or in the presence of each other...) I would never think of having the OM in the same room when I told my husband.

You are right on about the friend statement. I never thought of it that way.

Quit waiting on OM - tell your husband already. If OM jumped off a bridge you going to also? Make your own path here - F%$K what OM does. Stand up and take a stand for yourself. Puppet on a evil emotional string...... Who's your master here????

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Julia T:
<strong>Too good to be true- you are right...

I guess until I tell my husband, which will be very soon, I cannot or will not cut ties completely. Minimal contact. I will not see him the rest of this month at all which is good.

Once I havent seen him for awhile it has got to get easier to never to see or speak again. I hate to lose a friend but I guess I should have thought of that before we started the A.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Julia ... Have you see theLorOfTheRings ?. Watch it again ... A is the precious one, trying to get you to the dark one with only one purpose of destrying humanity. No mortal one is immune, not even Frodo !. The longer you stay the longer you will get suck into it. The more you listen to it the more it gets to you. The lure is the promise of power and longevity the reality is it would suck the life of you. This A would promise you happiness but does it ? . It gave you short fullfilment then bring you with guilt and no end in sight. This is why we equate A with addiction ... you know you have to stop it but can't. This is why some poster trying to give up on you ... we are talking to the precious one !, we are not talking to Julia. As long as you are hangin in here we would. I have seen how A destroy my M, my finances, my carreer ... I am fighting for it not to destroy my 2 D and my life. Also it destoryed OMW, his kids and his M. Now it starts to eat up exW ... by the time she is waking up she would sing this song ... Gollum's Song.

-rh-

Julia ... first let me say that I do commend your courage for both coming on this board, having the guts to stick it out through our comments, and by allowing yourself to listen and manifest some of the advice into your situation. I have actualy learned a few things through your words.

With that being said, the longer you wait to tell your husband, the more and more vindictive this situation will become ... meaning that right now, you have control over when to tell your husband and of course that will make a huge difference in your road to recovery if that's the choice he makes. The longer you wait, the more the chances increase that he will find out through some other means. This gives him more ammunition to possibly take your son and get as far away from you as possible.

You have barely mentioned your son at all in this thread ... let me put it to you this way: Would you want someone to tell you if someone was sexually molesting your son? When would you want to know? Immediately, or two or three weeks down the road when some "therapist" tells you that it would be better for you to hear it at that time? I'm sorry to sound harsh here, but your A in fact WAS a molestation of sorts. It was abuse in essence, to everyone involved. Regarding the NC rule, try this one on for size: After your son was molested, whether it was once, five, or more than a dozen times, would you want that person anywhere near your son OR your family? I think not!!!!! Your husband is going to view your OM more than likely just as he would someone that violated your son. And, actually, he did violate your son and your family ... he made the choice (along with you) when the A started to shatter both of them.

The next time you post, please tell us that you have told him. I am very sorry to sound harsh ... I know you know these things, and I know you know it's a no-win situation no matter where you go. All you can do now is tell him immediately and get down on your knees and pray.

Start forgiving yourself immediately ... it is an eternal gift that you will benefit from first and as a result so will everyone else around you.

Blessings ...

Dear Julia:

I am sorry for the pain you and your family are in.

I agree with everything all the previous posters are saying.

You must end all contact

You must tell your H

You must stop focusing on your OM and start focusing on yourself your H and your own family.

However; you did say something that I tend to agree with, you are working with a counsellor with your H as to the best way to tell him.

We don't know your H. He may have violent tendencies or may be emotionally weak at this time given that I am sure ,with the A, his needs and consideration for him has taken a serious back burner in your areas of concern.

I like the idea of building his love bank a bit and letting your counsellor talk to both of you to develope a plan. This is a wise course of action.

Given that telling him is a must and the sooner the better. It is only fair that he has all the facts surrounding his life.

Just food for thought.

Jack

Thank everyone for the great advice. I actually off to another meeting with the therapist. (bit of an emergency session.) I am quite torn about what to do.

This therapist saw my husband for 2 years after the death of his brother so knows him very well. He doesnt think I should do anything rash and tell him right now. So we are going to talk about it.

Post after I return....

Hi Julia,

I agree with the other posters. You need to tell your H and soon.

I have known for a year about my H's A. For reasons on my thread and I will not go into here, I have not been able to confront, but will very soon. I keep wishing he would tell me. I want very badly for him to tell me. I would rather hear it from him, than for me to tell him what I know.

Now, to the OM. You owe him nothing, you have not committment with him. Your R was based on deceit, the committment to never tell is based on deceit.

You can never have contact with OM again. Even legit contact will bring back all the old feelings of betrayal for your H and he will wonder if it is starting up again. Before the month is done, I think you should have told your husband, and have a NC letter written and mailed to OM. This month of NC is your golden opportunity to end it once and for all. If you see OM after the month is done, you will be right back where you were.

Contact with OM will hinder recovery with your M, it will hinder the healing process of your H and it will hinder you leaving the fog.

This man was not a friend, if he was, he would have never gotten involved in this R with you. He would have had too much respect for you to do this.

Good Luck adn take care

Julia,

I am not so worry about how & when you would tell you H !, you know better your H and you are paying a professional to give you advice. I am worry about your continues contact and plan to have continues contact with OM. Does your MC told you it is fine too ?. I would second guess if your MC told you it is fine !.

-rh-

I would suggest going to the site findarticles.com and reading "Shattered Vows" by psychology today. It is an excellent article and explains why the BS needs to know and how it's like a puzzle. You have the pieces but your husband can't put the puzzle together without them.

For me the not knowing was worse than knowing the details. The not knowing almost drove me crazy.

JT:
Tell your H. I agree with the others. As a BH I felt that the delay between the end of the A and my notification was at least as humiliating.
Be prepared for the stages, and know they will pass.
The responses of BS seem to be all over the place. I don't think any of us can predict your H's reaction; both you and he are unique human beings. Still, the trend is patience, hard work and perseverence seem to win out.
I do think you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Be strong!

Julia T,

Usually just lurk, but there is a thread on the In Recovery board titled Two years since D-day and still no trust by MichaelinDallas. He discovered the affair and is still having trust issues. I think most of the replies back have been to tell him now. I think you need to consider if there is ANY possibility that your husband may discover this on his own. If there is (even a 1% chance) then work with the IC on not timing the discussion, just work on HOW to do it, the TIME to do it is NOW!

Hi Julia-
As a fWS (d-day 3 years ago) I wanted to give you another perspective. I had a long A with a “friend.” It was very emotionally intense. I could have written much what you did about the A and the OM. We felt we were “soulmates.” I know that your feelings were real - that the idea that you may never have that kind of connection with your H is a stumbling block. But what everyone has said here is true - the relationship with OM was not real. The feelings were real, but you created a situation of newness, sexual tension, illicit romance that provided a backdrop for a heady attraction and relationship. I am not being critical, I know this because I did it, too. This can NEVER last. NEVER. We all wish we could have those same feelings about our spouses, and you can. But you can not have a R like that, lasting forever with anyone. Why? Because it was not in the real world. You were dating. You created a situation that was all about the two of you, your feelings, romance and sex. Even the fear, and guilt plays into it. There was no mortgage to pay, son to raise, dirty laundry or family members dying. It was a relationship built on thrill, deceit and newness. I know you know it was not real. I also know that it still is not easy to give up. That’s the addiction part.

Can you have elements of this kind of deep connection-type relationship in your marriage. YES you can. Many of us in recovery have found that once the A and many of the M issues are exposed, there is a lot of pain, but gradually an honesty and understanding that is far better than we ever had before in our M’s. You can have that, if your H decides to stay and rebuild, which is likely he will. If you can get through this trauma together, you have a very good chance of having a much deeper, closer, emotionally honest R with your H. Plus, you will have the other parts of a REAL long-term marriage that includes values, that I can see from your posts, you respect. Like honesty, loyalty, integrity. And like someone else around here said recently, maybey you’ll have someone to wipe the drool off your chin when you are 95.

You care/cared about the OM. It is hard to step back now and say how he feels does not matter, as everyone here is telling you. I understand how you feel. But the truth is, what you REALLY need to do is re-establish in your life that what should be more important to you is how your H feels. You need to make him your best friend again and your confidante. If you make his feelings a priority, then any decision about contact, concerns about OM become clear. Choose your marriage. I will say this, too, not wanting to hurt any BS’s who are reading. Choose your marriage because it is right, not because at this moment in time it FEELS right. It will take time to get through withdrawal from OM, and rebuild with your H. But for now, do it because you know it is right, you owe it to your H, to your son and yourself to do the right thing. The rest will follow.

I did not tell my H. I was found out and confessed. I do not envy you the task. I do however, envy you the opportunity to have the honor to do the right thing. I could have and didn’t. I still have to live with that shame.

Julia,

I really recommend that you listen to what Clouds is saying.

I would like to take this in a different direction if you don't mind. But, first I do think you have gotten the idea that people here think telling your H about the A is crucial. So I won't belabor the point.

I would like to suggest you step further and consider what to do AFTER you tell your H. I would like to suggest that you and your counselor put together a plan on how to work on your marriage. How to include your H into this part without the implicit "OR ELSE" feelings he will have.

I would like to suggest that if you haven't already get the book Surviving an Affair by Harley, and/or find some others and read them. As I am sure you are sensing it isn't enough that the BS survive the affair, it is crucial that the WS do as well.

It isn't clear that you will ever come to hate, dislike, or really not care for OM. But, once the ramifications of what you have done to so many people become clear to you, and it will no matter what you do, then you will see each other as pretty selfish. It is true you were and are.

However, it is also true that you must HEAL from this as must your H. So please think a few moves ahead on this and start to plan. My first suggestion is to consider what would have made your marriage better, from your point of view and your H's. Things he could do for you, and things you could do for him.

Start to focus on the resolution of this event in your life. That is my advice.

God Bless,

JL

Julia,

Are you still with us? Please let us know what has transpired. You haven't posted in a couple of days. I hope this doesn't mean things have taken a negative turn. Don't forget that we're here to support you through recovery as well, whatever choice your husband makes.

Thanks,
Sealfan
"Kiss From a Rose ..."

Julia T :

My W told me everything of her own accord - so ashamed about the A that she sat me down and admitted all - the night after it happened.

AND I AM ACTUALLY VERY PROUD OF HER COURAGE & HONESTY.

She did not have to tell me - OK I might have found out later ... and I might not. She was looking down the barrel of a gun but was still sure of what she was doing and that it was right.

This means to me :-

1. That she was ashamed and regretful of what she had done.

2. That she wanted to be honest and was reaching out for my support (probably thinking why should she get it?)

3. That she wanted to give me the choice regarding whether to walk out or stay.

4. That she wanted to make it work (or she could have just walked out and sent me an email)

5. That by telling me something that happened with someone I knew and would never have suspected, she exposed the OM to my future surveillance. By naming him, she was also being more than honest.

6. That by asking me to be with her - even to pick her up on girls nights out, or even to turn up a few hours before so that we can be together at the end of the evening, reinforced to me that she does not want to repeat her mistake and does not want this OM (or anyone else) to get the wrong signals, based on the commonly mistaken attitude of some guys that all girls out with their friends and tipsy are really looking to have sex with them.

OK, I went through (what I know now) to be classic reactions and nearly broke us up with my outbursts and abuse towards her.

Now I have had time to calm down a bit and realise that it is a two-way thing, I am starting to cut out the love-busters and work with her.

She has gone back to her family (3500 miles away) to get some space. Being alone makes me realise what life would truly be like without her and more determined to cut out the LB's altogether when she gets home.

I dearly hope that she does not change her mind about us. She is determined to enjoy her holiday and not talk to anyone about our problems, so that she does not get any bad advice or pressure to leave me altogether.

This is my mortal fear, but I have to give her this space and improve the trust that she is already instilling in me.

I love her dearly and regret all the terrible things I said to her.

She deserves my respect for her courage and a chance to work together for a better marriage.

It was a very painful "wake-up call for me" but one I will not forget and will make me more aware of her needs in the future.

Go for it girl - whatever happens you will know you told the truth ... and you may be pleasantly surprised with the best marriage anyone ever had.

Footnote : Had I found out from someone else I believe that I might have reacted very differently - my respect for her courage and honesty, together with my undying love, is what spurs me on to stay and work it out.

There will be no "good time" to tell him, there will be no "good way" (well, other than a completely honest one) to tell him, but it will get worse the longer you put it off. As a few have pointed out, the longer you wait, the more likely you are to get "caught" instead.

You mentioned something about waiting to tell your H until OM told his W. My OM either didn't tell his W for months, or still hasn't told her. You can't live your life for OM anymore, in anyway. You're still putting him ahead of you H if you "wait for him to tell".

I'd do anything to go back and confess my A to my H instead of getting caught. I think taking the step to confess and be honest builds some trust towards rebuilding a M, rather than having to be confronted or get "caught". I'm speaking from painful first hand experience here.

You're right by the way, the less contact you have with OM, the easier it all gets. So...

Ditch the OM.
Cut off all contact with him.
Stop worrying about what OM does or doesn't do.
Tell your H the truth.
Continue to go for counselling.
Try to get your H to go for MC if/when he's comfortable.

I pray that you have the strength and kindness in your heart to tell your H the truth, sooner rather than later.

Jen

Well, first of all, you need to just come right out and tell him. Be totally honest about everything. Don't leave out anything, because if you do and he finds out later, it will make everything worse. I am not saying tell him every little detail, but why you did it, how you feel about the OM now, and how you feel about him. Whatever happens is going to happen, but you need to be honest. If you are not honest about it now, the longer you wait will make it worse. Also, your conscience will kill you mentally eventually.

I can give you first hand advice. A bit of background first. Wife cheated on me with a man she met on the internet we have been married for 5 years, after a 6 month interent chat relationship she went to stay with OM for 2 weeks (suppose to be visiting her family). I found out when i couldnt get ahold of her and looked at her computer. She had sex with him the first night she was with him (unprotected).

My wife is young kind of a gullable innocent type so i thought, but attractive and funny, but very jealose of my ex-wife, almost freeky, well actually very freeky. Wife always blamed me for marrying my ex-wife first. Basically mad at me, tried many times actually 1000's of times explaining to her that we are married and if i would have met you before my ex-wife that i would have fell in love with you BUT i didnt know you existed.

I found out about her affair and told her off and to stay out of my life, your a pig etc. etc. etc.
After thinking about the situation and calmed down i contacted her and said lets talk about us before i send divorce papers. Wife told me she was in love with the other man etc. etc.
She wrote the OM she wanted to marry him and have his children etc. (crazy stuff) but after she realized i was serious about talking to her about the future and possible forgiveness she never contacted the OM again and explained in detail everything and why she told the OM this weird creepy stuff (lost me had nothing/nobody or a place to go). She thought she lost me and had destroyed everything over what she thought was going to be a "movie type affair like the movie UNFAITHFUL" she said she wanted to leave after the first night because the sexualy encounter lasted 2-3 minutes and they never even took of their shirts or touched eachother other then the incertion (i do believe her because the stories she told me border out-right laughter, i could explain in detail but im sure you get the picture.) Wife was a virgin as well and had no idea about other men sexually. My wife and I have always had a very sexual relationship and I would always make sure she was happy before i made myself happy, OM must have been either a virgin or somthing wrong with him.

I do find comfort that my wife did not have an orgasim with the OM, but do not understand why she didnt atleast wear protection and her excuses are she didnt know how to ask him etc. she also explained that her had no semen because after there 5 sexual encounters in 2 weeks there was no semen ever inside her or anywhere (like the details?, gets alot weirder but it would be 50 pages long in detail.)

After all the wifes explanations its basically comes down to her jealosy that i had a serious relationship before her and her wanting to see what sleeping with another man was like. She crys all the time and covers her ears when i talk about it.

Heres the advice:

If you want your husband to ever look at you with respect, never ever tell him. I will never look at my wife the same, no amount of therapy or brain washing can help me. The damage is permanent, irreversable,im not the same person. I do not feel bad when she is sad, I do not believe she is honost, even though she may be and most liekly is a good person who made a horrible mistake. I appear to be jealose on occations but im not, i fear the betrayal of trust and shame. Lies make me furious. Sometimes I look at my wife and I see a monster or a stranger. Both our familys look and treat her different now, it is very very sad and I feel sad somtimes if i put myself in her shoes.

I cant understand why a person (you as well) would risk everything for possible short term fantasy or pleasure and risk self respect and the respect and health of family. You will always have to live with what you do and have done, others do not deserve to be punished every day by thinking of what you have done (you will be punishing your husband by making him think of what you have done every day for eternity, he probably deserves more). Do not ever tell him about how great your sexual experiences were if you do tell him about the affair. If you feel the need to punish yourself, slap you face as hard as you can and pray yourself to sleep and for forgivness. Many husbands get violent like myself when they are told about or find out about an affair, then your husband will feel the shame of slaping his wife around and that will add to the punishment he will go through. Perhaps im an extreeme example of a BS.

Julia,

I recently told my H about my affair so I am hoping to be able to offer you some advice through my own experience.

I would suggest you be careful with explicit details. They can cause scars that may never heal. They will form images in his mind that he is better off not having. I know that MB encourages 'radical' honesty...but it is my personal belief (and our therapist's) that some things are better left undisclosed. Answer his questions best you can but handle the details with caution. Ask him if he really wants to know. Tell him to think about it for a few days and then come back if any haunting questions regarding the details of the sexual encounters remain and HAVE to be answered. Even then, handle with caution. You will be pouring salt into a raw and open wound and forming visual images in his mind.

And by all means get tested for STD's. I had to. Even tho I was sure my partner was safe, I did it to assure H.

A good book I would suggest is "Emotional Infidelity" How to affair-proof your marraige and 10 other secrets to a great marriage. It's by Gary M. Neuman. It covers how to disclose an
affair as well as how to handle telling the sexual details. The advice was quite helpful.

Breeney

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by breeney3:
<strong>
I would suggest you be careful with explicit details. They can cause scars that may never heal. They will form images in his mind that he is better off not having. I know that MB encourages 'radical' honesty...but it is my personal belief (and our therapist's) that some things are better left undisclosed. Answer his questions best you can but handle the details with caution. Ask him if he really wants to know. Tell him to think about it for a few days and then come back if any haunting questions regarding the details of the sexual encounters remain and HAVE to be answered. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Overall,Great Advice.I disagree about your belief on the details. He may not be able to handle the truth, but it is still the truth. Its his decision if the details are too much.... not yours. If the truth is something that would make him leave you, again, that is his decision to make, not yours. To withold hold the truth is to show disrespect.

Handle the details with caution, ask if he really wants to know. But, in the end, if he wants to know, you must tell him the truth. Don't withold. He is your husband, and will know if you are not telling the whole truth. Then his imagination will really run wild. Our imagined fears are usually much worse than the truth, so if he insists, tell him
Michael

<small>[ April 21, 2003, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>