Hi Julia,

You've gotten some great advice...

My FWW decided to have some close friends from our church come over to the house when she told me about one A that I'd suspected and 4 others that I never had a clue about...

If you decide to tell your H in front of others, be aware that he will likely be angry with you later on because you've chosen to share private information (your A) with other(s) BEFORE you shared them with him... I felt that my FWW didn't care enough about MY feelings to even tell me before she shared them with her friends.

Eventually, it didn't really matter that she'd told her friends first... I was just glad that I finally had ALL of the information that I had been missing for so many years.

Telling your H will be one of the hardest things that you ever do... but you must do it if you want to rebuild your M. Like the others have said, be loving and TOTALLY HONEST with your H when you tell him. If he asks (and I'd bet my next paycheck that he will) about the sex, let him know that your answers will hurt him and ask him if he REALLY wants to know... if he's like I was, he will want to know... then tell him as honestly as you can. I liked what Euphoria said... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would never tell my H that my orgasims were mind blowing, why would he need to know that? Of couse it felt good, it was an ORGASIM, you see what I mean? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can be honest, but you don't have to be mean.

Writing questions and answers down helps to a point... I would write out my questions for my FWW and then keep them for a few days to see if I really wanted to know the answers... I'd "revise" my list then give them to my FWW. At first she would write "I don't know"... "I don't remember." or "That was 12 years ago, how could I remember.." If you honestly don't remember, then I would suggest that you at least tell your H that you don't remember right now, but that you'll try to think about it and will do your best to answer his question.

Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... it has some good advise on how to tell your BS about your A...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I'm offended by Carl's post and I don't easily offend. I find very little constructive about it. There are ways to be blunt and to the point without being vulgar.

Julia,
No matter how you end up saying it, sooner is better than later. The sooner everything is out in the open, sooner you marriage can begin to heal. He will be stunned,and shocked, and hurt beyond belief. He will ask all kinds of questions about details you had never even considered. But, no matter what he asks, you must tell him the truth.

In the end, the truth may be more than he can bear. He may ultimately decide to leave you. But if he stays because you have witheld the truth from him, then the rest of your life will be living a lie. On top of that, if you love and respect your H, then you must respect that the decision as to whether or not he wants to stay with you given the things you have done is his. If you don't tell him the truth, then you don't respect him and his right to make that decision.

Be honest, and show him right now that you want the marriage to work and it is my bet that he will want it to work too. Ultimately a BS senses when they are being lied too, and the prevents any start of a real recovery.
Michael

Julia T,

I can only speak of my experience. After reading this thread along with your previous threads I began to ask myself what does Julia T want?

My response here is premised on the assumption that you want to repair your marriage (even though you may not feel that way right now).

I found out my wife's escapades accidentally via e-mail. Therefore I was the one that controlled how this devil was to be let out of the box.

I think you are smart to take advantage of your situation ie. you have the luxury of exposing your actions to you husband in a thoughtful and considerate manner.

Get professional advise with respect to how and when you tell your husband. You have a wonderful opportunity to pave a path to recovery. It's too important to not get professional advise.

Looking back at my situation, what would have helped me had my wife come forward?

1.) A clear and concise letter from her explaining what she had done and what her true intentions are from this point forward.

2.) Copies of no contact letters to the OM.

3.) Test results for STD's.

4.) Proof that she is in therapy and wants me there too.

5.) Promise to tell me the truth no matter what.

May God be with you and your husband. You can do this and survive.

This has been incredibly helpful. I also saw a councelor who added more perspective. What I thought was love for the OM may have been fog. Although it doesnt hurt any less not seeing him, I can definately see the madness and the illogical thought process.

I was swept up in the romance and sexual drama. Was there ever love, probably not. This doesn't mean that I dont care about the OM, admire him and have great sex with him but it never really had a chance to mature into a real relationship. This is not an option so I am going to stop treating it like it is one.

Unfortunately, I have broken the NC rule and emailed the OM to let him know I am telling my husband. Also, I have had to email him for work. I am seriously considering leaving my job so I can keep the NC rule. By the time I am ready to tell my husband I should be in a position to take another job if I need to do so.

In the last couple of days I have really looked at my husband and he is a wonderful, attractive, loving and devoted man. I am going to do what I need to in order to make this work.

So this is what I think I am going to do. Start depositing love credits with my husband, schedule a time that we can see the councelor together in the next 2 weeks and then tell him about the OM. From there I am going to hope he doesn't want a divorce and that he wants to work it out. I will offer to leave my job and devote myself to the relationship. At least this way, I will know I gave it all that I could and gave him a chance to really know what is going on.

Wish me luck...

You and OM have a 1 month NC agreement at this time- correct?

If I am correct on this assumption, I would write a NC letter to OM, let your husband read it and mail it to OM. This will help to reienforce with your H that you are sincere in ending the A, and want to work in the M.

I wish you all the luck.

Julie,

My blessings to you for what you have decided to do. I have been reading your threads & hoped you would tell him. Smart of you to see an IC to get support for what you will do.

My H told me about his affair, one evening in a calm, matter of fact voice. That was about 13 months ago. It's been a tough year; but now that I'm this far down the road I see I have so much to be grateful for.

1. I didn't find out from someone else.
2. I didn't catch him.
3. His remorse was apparent right from the beginning.
4. After my initial shock and anger; I realized what he told me was true. That the reason he told me was so that there was no more secrecy and he was committed to healing & recovering.
5. He convinced me through words and actions that he was willing to do whatever it took to make up for all the pain he caused.
6. He agreed to NC right away, and wrote a NC letter, with me right by his side.
7. Honestly answered every question I had. After one mis-step told me every time there was contact after NC letter went out.
8. I learned what my part was in the state of our marriage that allowed an affair to happen.
9 I finally understood some unexplained behavior that occurred during the A that at the time made no sense; but hurt deeply.

There's more, but I applaud you for doing the hard but necessary work you are undertaking! Blessings, CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Julia T:
<strong>So this is what I think I am going to do. Start depositing love credits with my husband, schedule a time that we can see the councelor together in the next 2 weeks and then tell him about the OM. From there I am going to hope he doesn't want a divorce and that he wants to work it out. I will offer to leave my job and devote myself to the relationship. At least this way, I will know I gave it all that I could and gave him a chance to really know what is going on.

Wish me luck...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><======= <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> =============> Read the letter from TrueHeart (WS) to WS under my signature. You know you are doing the right thing.
-rh-

Julia you need to tell him ASAP but......

1) You need to make sure you have setup safe conditions. By that you tell him when you both have time to talk about. Perhaps at the end of a work week.

2) Contrary to the theme of radical honesty you need to decide not whether to tell him everything (sooner or later you will have to tell him everything including details) but how much to tell him at each stage.

Trust me you will be pushed for all the details. But perhaps you should start with when it first happened and reassure him that you have ended it. Indeed once his initial anger subsides and you have asked for forgiveness then you will want to take steps to reassure him the other man is no longer a threat. Your willingness to confess is a huge step in that direction. But you might want to let him overhear you call the other man and tell him you can't be involved with him anymore or sit down and right a no contact letter/dear john letter to the other man and let him read it before you mail it.

Then brace yourself for his barrage of questions.

Overtime you will tell him not only how long the affair was but how many times you were physical. And after more time details....now a marriage counselor can better advise on how much detail is enough but recognize that your spouse will never recover if he thinks you are still hidings things from him or are being honest. So yes you will have to not only tell details but expect him to want to know how he compares to the other man as well...what you saw in the other man....what you expected to gain from the affair...and a million zillion other questions.

If you are safe disclosing to him privately then do so but if his reactions scare you then do it in front of a marriage counselor....but do it soon.

Good luck.

Carl I don't approve of her behavior but she had 1 affair....the 5 "experiences" are irrelevant its all part of the 1 affair.

If you want to look down on her for the affair and enjoying it then that's your perogative but the number of times they slept together is not the issue....to have slept together once is wrong enough.

Intellectually everything that has been said makes sense. But I am so afraid of telling my H. I just don't see him excepting this and us being able to move on. I know I have to do it and will be seeing a councelor over the next few weeks to build up my strength. My feelings on this change hourly but I am going to tell H. My H has the right to make the choice once he knows who I really am. My first loyalty should be to him although I still feel a connection to OM.

Which brings me to another element of my feelings that I think is important to share. (although will be unpopular)

My natural inclination is to discuss telling H with the OM since I consider him a good friend. I realize that this would only put me back where I was, so I cannot do this.

I worry about putting the OM in a situation where people may find out. He will never tell his wife, and I understand this choice. We entered into this affair together with the committment we would never tell. I know this is a part of the fog which has not yet lifted, but I feel like we both took this risk together and I would expect him to keep the committment if I didnt want to tell. I am betraying him. Seems like I am betraying everyone lately.

I know we are adulterers, we are lying to our spouses but I feel like I dont want to break the committment we made. This is probably fog speaking. While I have decided to break off contact with OM, I am still mentally engaged in the relationship and this is residual loyalty to him. I know I have to get over this and place that loyalty to my husband. I cannot worry about the OM.

I am cant believe I am worried about breaking my committment of silence to the OM when I didnt think twice about lying to my husband and child who love and support me. This is so wrong but I have to admit this is entering my mind. Could I really care about him or is this fog? I know I care about him and it wasnt all an illusion.

The OM met needs that were not being met by my husband such as approval and sexual attraction. He liked me for who he thought I was and I needed that. I see that now. He did deposit more in the love bank that I needed so I can see how this happened. The more we got into this the more I pushed my husband away.

The OM in this case was in a similar place where needs were not being met in his marriage and I think that it just hit a cord for both of us. So I am starting to understand why I was vulnerable to an affair and I think I can protect myself from future affairs.

Also, knowing all this makes it easier to intellectualize this for what it appears to be. But it doesnt change the fact that I care about OM and dont want to see him hurt. I am also concerned about hurting my husband and family. By telling everyone gets hurt. Not telling only I am hurt because I have to live with my lies and deceit.

We have really made a mess of things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Julia T:
<strong>By telling everyone gets hurt. Not telling only I am hurt because I have to live with my lies and deceit.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Twisted logic ... let me try. You assumption that no one get hurt base on "no one will know". What if down the road ... OM tell his wife and the words get out ?. How much more hurt that would be then doing it now ?. I gurantee that everyone will get hurt plus all your effort to be a "good wife" is useless. Assume no one will tell ... you still have your basic issues, you never give a chance to your H !. This will be a wall between you and your H ....

If you tell him after you go conseling several time and plan A ... He would wonder if you do it because of your guilt or you really want to fix this M

What do you think that your H didn't suspect it already ?.

-rh-

Julia you are are NOT a bad person (otherwise you wouldn't be here) who willfuly happened to make a bad choice as far as chosing to have an A and have her most EN's met by another man.

You have been given excellent advise and I just want to add to that the following. What would your opinion be of OM (with a 1 year old son) if he was involved with a girlfriend of yours in a similar situation? Probably not a good one, I bet, but because you are emotionally and physically involved with him, you can not (emotionally) see what is so very obvious to the rest of us.

Sure at this point in time, your choices look mighty grim, but given some time, you may see that you what you beleive is real is really not.

In closing, I just want to leave you with the following thought:

WHAT HE DOES WITH YOU, HE CAN DO TO YOU'. Afterall why not? He did this to his unsuspecting W, why is it so hard to beleive that he COULD do the same to you if you and him were to find yourselves in a committed relationship?

You have a lot of soul searching to make regarding your M. I wish you luck.

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 03:19 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Sue with hope...... I have already apologized for what you considered a vulgar statement. But I too found the details of Julia's affair to be very vulgar..... and no one commented on that.
Julia if you are truely remorsefull concentrate on what will help heal your family and put other man thought's out of your head.

When I went through this what killed me emotionally was that I didn't see remorse in my X's actions if she would of shown that I would of forgiven her.

Your actions will be louder then your words
I Hope things workout for you and your family.

Carl

Julia,

You owe the OM absolutely ***NOTHING***.

I wouldn't even consider having the OM present when you tell your H... I mean really, why would you want to humiliate your H more by having the OM there to "support" you??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

... Get rid of the OM and focus your energies on your H and your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

The OM contacted me and was for obvious reasons very concerned about my telling my spouse for fear his spouse would find out. He was supportive if it is what I want to do. I do think he wants me to find happiness and be able to work it out. I can see his point though that he doesnt want his wife to find out from someone other than him. (or at all) I dont want to inflict that pain on them either.

We also had a good discussions about what I have been learning about why this relationship started, why it ended, the need for NC and the need to be completely honest with our spouses.

He is worried about his wife finding out which I don't blame him. He says things are getting better between them and he doesnt want to endanger that. He is being honest that he feels very vulnerable and doesnt want to have this come out right now. Maybe someday but not until he is ready.

I spoke again with my therapist this morning and he said that we should meet for a few weeks with my husband and alone before we decide how to tell him. This seems contrary to alot of the advice but I do think that waiting is key. I am going to tell but I am not going to be rash about it. He deserves to know but I think with the A with the OM just ending it is too raw and would cause more pain than good.

I am not considering reconciling with the OM, I do unfortunately consider him a friend which is good and bad. I gave him the link to this site so maybe he can find the answers to making his marriage work as well. He is not an evil man nor is any different than me. We both just messed up. NC is tough when you are friends and are trying to sort things out.

I dont ever want the pain again that I had from the A, but I am not ready to tell my husband right now.

Any thoughts?

Here is hoping he gets the same help from this site that you have...

I suspect that having just seen the OM, you are thinking of delaying being honest with your H out of concern for the OM, and not out of concern for your H. Sorry, but the OMs wishes/desires do not matter. What is best for you, your H and your marriage is what you should be thinking of now.

I disagree with your MC. The time to tell your H is now. Do you really think that he doesn't know something is wrong? He may not know that you are having an A, but he senses things are not right. Recovery can only begin once the A sees the light of day.

One last thought. Whether you decide to tell your H now or later, you need to institute NC with the OM. As long as you have contact, the A is not really over.
Michael

One more thought. The OM may not be an evil man, but he is not a good man either. If he truly valued his M, he would come clean also and begin to work on his relationship with his W so he won't do this again. I'll be you the main reason he doesn't want this out in the open is that once you are gone, he will move on to a new A with a new woman.
Michael

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

In defense of the OM, I really dont think he will ever do this again and has learned his lesson. He is as miserable as I am. He knows this was wrong and understands the potential consequences of his actions.

I think that he doesnt want this to come out because he has a lot to lose. His wife will probably divorce him (she is not the understanding type), take his son, and she will make sure everyone including where we work knows what happened. He reason to be concerned.

I agree that NC is important. But I also think that he and I were and are friends and we went into this together. He should be able to tell his wife or not on his own terms without it blowing up in his face. I feel like I did the right thing by telling him that I am considering telling my husband.

We both acknowledge that the romance was a fog which helps remove some of the romantic notions about the affair. So in that way talking to him and being friends has been helpful. I have tried to minimize the drama that sometimes comes in a breakup by being open and honest and not playing games.

This I think can help us get to the healing part. Maybe he will tell his wife, maybe he wont, that is his decision. But I dont feel badly about letting him know my plans to tell my husband. This should not be dropped on him or her.

I keep asking myself why did I do this? I am so miserable. There is no easy answer here.

I know I keep waffling back and forth but my gut says to tell my husband right not. Call him up and tell him.

My intellect says the better way to do it for everyone concerned is to spend the next few weeks with the Therapist, meeting with both of us, and come up with the best way to tell him.

This gives the OM the time needed and also will make my H's reaction better to the news. I think he will understand why the affair happened and why it won't happen again. Therefore making the news easier to bear.

But on the other hand, I just want to tell him right now and get it off my chest and let the cards fall where they may...