This past saturday, my wife admitted to a one-time sexual encounter wife a mutual friend. That whole day, I could tell that she was upset, and had a great deal on her mind. Finally, after the kinds went to bed, I asked to sit down and talk, I told her that I could tell something was wrong. After several minutes, she siad, "We should have talked long ago...", I replyed, "Yeah, but we are talking now." She was torn inside, I could tell that she was hurting and needed to tell something, but I was unprepared.

Finally, after a couple of minutes of silence, I asked her "Do you love me?" Her head popped up with a shocked look on her face, and tears began to form. She said "Yes, but you aren't going to love me." Now, I was terrified, I had no idea what to expect, I was afraid she was going to ask for a divorce. I pressed her, "why, what is happening?!" Then I knew, "You slept with ---?" She lunged for me, nodded, and began to cry. She was holding my hands, afraid that I would leave and go find the man. She even said that it wasn't all him (that hurt like hell). After a "lively" discussion, I learned the event had occurred a couple of weeks earlier, and on only one occasion. She held me, and said that she had been confused and now knew that this marriage was what she wanted. I told her she had to cease all activity with this man. Because she saw him socially with friends, she was worried about what she would tell her friends, I told her I didn't care, but she could never she him again for this marriage to work. She agreed. I forgave her, and we hugged.

Things had not been right for a while. In fact she admitted that she had began to develop feelings for this man a month or two earlier, but partly because he was going through a rough part of his life. She reassured me that she would never cheat on me, b/c that is not who she is. B/c of her values, and my trust, I belived her. As the weeks passed, I began to get nervous, but she was very upfront about when she saw him and what they did. The first time I knew something was dreadfully wrong, was when she would not take communion at church. Looking into her eyes, I knew something had happened, but was afraid to confront her b/c I was afraid if I questioned her trust, it further damage the marriage.

Some background is in order. I am in the Navy, stationed overseas. We arrived in August. It has been a tough transition, but we are enjoying the travel and history. Over the past months, I have withdrawn, spending too much time on the computer, sometimes with porn, and drinking too much. Now I realize, I was not there for her as I needed to be, and was kinda having my own affair. While I never struck up an on-line realitionship, I pulled away. I have never cheated on my wife, despite being seperated for months at time and being places all over the world where I could have easily gotten away with it. I always tried to put myself in situations where I would have less tempation. Honestly, I figured that I might cheat, but I never thought my wife would. BTW, we have been married 10 years.

Our sex life was ok, but had diminished over the years. I have a high sex drive, and as the realtionship deterioated, I pulled back b/c of the reduced sex, my wife pulled back b/c I was less involved, a vicious cycle.

The day after my wife told me, we went on a trip for the weekend as planned. It was a tough trip, but was good at taking our minds off everything going on. That evening after the girls (7 & 3) went to sleep, we talked, and even made love. It was very significant to both of us, we felt like it was kinda reconnection and signaled a new chapter for us. We both went to confession, and that helped a great deal. We both want marriage counseling. My wife has a couple of health issues which we need to deal with too, as if this is not enough. I think we are both going to get indivdual counseling.

The hardest part for me is the mental images. I have asked a lot of questions, some of them very crude, and I know hurt her to answer them. I told her that she knew what happened, but my imagination was running wild. Every time I brought this up, it hurt me again, so I am going to try to accept it, work on builing the marriage. I worry that I will never completely remove those images, and I know I will never trust her completly again. I told her that, and she understands.

I love my wife, and understand how close we come to "not making it". I am scared for the future, b/c I am worried I will never fully forgive her, and this will dominant our marriage forever. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 04:09 AM: Message edited by: Glad-man ]</small>

I found out about my husband's affair in November, as well as one 12 years ago. The mental images have been overwhelming at times, and I felt as if I should have bought stock in facial tissues. But they are starting to fade with time. There are still days when I see something that triggers a very painful image, but when that happens I am choosing to pray for healing of our family and it helps to change the focus. The key to healing for us seems to be the amount of repentance and commitment on my husband's part. There was a time when my husband became impatient with my questions and that made things even harder for awhile. But when his attitude was that he was very sorry for causing such devastation to me and doing anything he could to help me through it, things were more bearable. There will be a lot of mourning, and anger, but you can get through it. Our marriage is growing daily now and we are closer than we have been in years. We are definitely still in a process, but we are recovering. It is like a forest fire has swept over us. At first there seems to be absolute devastation, with nothing surviving. But a few little shoots start poking their heads out after a bit, and gradually get stronger. They can make it if they have a safe place to grow.
I'll be praying for your marriage.
Kathy

Italy, you and I are in a very similar boat (no pun intended). I just found out on sunday my wife had a two-time affair, and my feelings basically mirror yours. We have a counseling appointment in a couple hours (it's 5am and I'm wide awake though, you know how it goes). All I can say is hang in there. The images are brutal, but I asked for details just like you did. I asked everything. As hard as it was to hear those words, I think it was a good idea for me to hear them. I definately think that my imagination is even worse than reality, if that's possible. My wife told me too, and I think that means a lot. Even after just a couple days, I think we're going to pull through this. Hang in there. - J

Click on the link in my signature line for my best advice on how to proceed and recover.

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

hi hurtinitaly, sorry you are going thru this too, i am 5 months since dday, although i only discovered it was PA 2 months ago. You sound as though you are coping well, so soon after dday. The first weeks are awful. its truly an emotional rollercoaster, incredible highs and awful lows. the images are terrible to cope with, although i can now control them abit now. my recovery was stalled by WHs lies, but now is going great. my H is tackling problems he never faced for the first time. Sure, i w ish it hadnt taken an A for this to happen, but it DID, and sometimes it takes something awful to produce eventual good. take care, ad x

italy, you and I have very similar situations. If you want, click that envelope at the top of my post and send me a message. Maybe we can help each other out. It's your call. I hope things are going ok for you. - J

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 04:10 AM: Message edited by: Glad-man ]</small>