It's been a couple days since I found out. I'm doing better than I could have expected, all things considered. However, I feel the need to confront the other man. I don' mean a showdown at noon or kicking the tar out of him (as appealing as that may be). I'm smart enough to know that I can't do that, and that it takes two to tango. However, I feel like I need to tell him to stay away. I need to tell him what I think of him. Especailly in the light that he is divorced from his wife who cheated on him. I don't know how someone who knows how it feels to be betrayed could take part in doing it to someone else. I feel the need to tell him that he has a bankrupt conscience. I know that these are valid feelings, but is it generally recommended that I go through with it? At first my wife told me that she didn't want me to do it, it wasn't his fault. She's since told me that I should do what I need to do. I plan on doing it unless there are valid reasons that I shouldn't. Thanks in advance for your comments. - J

Man, we are tracking down the same path. I actually wanted to kick the snot out of the guy, I considered him a friend, had him over to my house, felt like he betrayed me, as did my wife. My wife begged me not to contact him, and I agreed. She sent him an email saying that what happened was wrong and she wanted to be married to me. There have been a couple of hang-ups at the house, and living overseas makes caller-ID not an option, it may be screwy Italian phone system. My wife suggested we change our home # and her cell #. Besides, it is really up to your wife to break-off contact, she is the one that has to make it right, not him.

THere is a section on this website (go to home page and select "the ending" under quick clicks) about how to end an affair.Dr. Harley says:

"My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."

Write a joint letter. send it. Do not try to see OM. Some people here feel that helps. Most will recommend against it. In general, though, you are not going to "teach" him anything. Send him the message he needs, which is that your wife is choosing to stay with you. He is out of your life, and you will have nothing to do with him again.

Stronger,

I wrote a letter to one of the OM and had it delivered to him. I kept it brief and to the point.

I wrote the letter shortly after my wife had called the OM and told him it was over and there would be no future contact of any kind. My wife also told him that she was committed to her marriage and family and wanted to repair our marriage.

My letter was not critical. It contained no barbs or threats. I simply told him that I intented to save my marriage at all costs and that I love my wife. I requested he respect my wife's wishes of no further contact. I also asked him to respect my belief that our children deserve a mother and father in a loving relationship. I bet the whole letter was no more than 50 words. I simply signed my name.

I asked my wife to read the letter. I still believe today that seeing my intentions in writing gave my wife a measure of faith that I was sincere in wanting to repair our relationship. In an odd way, my letter was respectful to the OM which I think proved my resolve to save my marriage at all costs.

I was fortunate to get some feedback from the OM through my messenger. He was shocked and suprised. He knew my letter was coming and did not want to read it. The messenger read it to him. He was expecting a letter very much the opposite of what I sent. I think showing him some respect by not blasting him made my words even sharper.

I kept a copy of the letter. When things get tough I read it.

Oh, every now and then I feel like kicking the sh*t our of him and the others (including my wife's friends that covered for her). That's when I read my words again.

Hang in there StrongerEveryday. Regardless of your wife's intentions from this point on, you are going to have to resolve this life shattering event in you own mind. You have friends here. Go see a therapist. Read the books. Be patient. Be diligent and smart. You can do it.

Here is an interesting twist on this one. What do you do when your WW is the one still trying to contact the OM, and he is trying to save his marriage. Yeah, screwed up situation and then some.

My WW has moved out and decided that divorce is the only option. The OM is doing MC with his wife, and my WW thinks it is still OK to contact him since he is 'still a good friend'. So far, he is not responding to her requests to talk. I have tried to tell her that she needs to not do this, since it will continue to destroy their chances. Of course she won't fix her own mess, so I guess there is no real reason for her to help his.

Worse yet, I have to deal with the OM in the future because of joint dealings in a national organization. I have no idea how I am going to handle that, since my WW will be there too (and is also involved in the organization). Yeah, loads of fun.....

Thoughts??

Eric

Stronger....I always tend to tell any BS, male or female, that contacting the OP is likely not to be a positive experience. I do realize that men are a little more likely to "take it to the streets" to confront the OM...and this can be dangerous not only physically to one or the other, but legally and what in my opinion is worse...emotionally.

If you want to establish NC...then that includes YOU. ANY contact with the OP by either you or your spouse is contact and breaks the NC rule. NC is so very important in the healing process and should be enforced by all.

Sometimes negative contact has the effect of creating more conflict in the marriage, which is the last thing you or your W need. Focusing on the two of you as a couple is much more beneficial.

When contact between the BS and the OP has happened, often the OP will then pursue the WS with greater effort, if for no other reason then to complain that the BS has contacted them. It's opening a "can of worms" which is best left unopened.

Some OP actually enjoy the conflict and the upheaval they have created, do NOT let them into the door to watch. JMHO

Eric...there isn't a thing you can do with your WW's attempts to contact her xOM. You can NOT control what she does. It's OM's problem to deal with as he sees fit. Hopefully, he's sincere about trying to keep his marriage together and will continue to not respond to her attempts...but no one can control your W but your W.

As to what you will face in the future in the national organization...Good luck! You're going to have to reach down deep to find some peace with that issue. Anyway you can change your level of involvement so that you won't have to deal with him???

SE - a big ditto to jimtex. Don't try to "teach" him anything. Stay on the moral high ground and he may learn by example, but he may never learn at all. The OM in my sitch never will.

Eric - copy your post into a new topic to get more responses. Consider titling the topic as "Moose Brain Worms - OM recovering, wife needs antidote." Guaranteed to get you lots of replies.

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I know where your coming from StrongerEveryday. I actually called and confronted OM half way through affair when he and my wife were just "Friends" and he point blank lied to me over and over. After I found out all the details I wanted to go beat these guy down big time. I realized though this would get me no were and even talking to him would get me no were and eventually it will get back to your wife and may set you back very far in your recovery.

I think you will show you are the better man but just holding your ground. I think we as guys wanna strike out and mark our teritory but I think in the end it would get you no were - just my 2 cents.

J,
I tend to take side with the “don’t bother” group. Though I appreciate JimTex’s route and can see how it has helped him. In his case it worked, but there are no guarantees. You could contact the OM with good intentions taking the high road only to have him react in manner that leaves you no choice but to bludgeon him to death with a light object. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It’s not worth it, On the other hand I think your W should send a NC letter and you should preview it.

Just my 2 cents

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Be patient. Be diligent and smart. You can do it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good advice. recently have found myself dealing with a scorned OW....consistently driving by and generally making a nuisance of her menacing self...so we talk about it and get over it and hope she gets a clue before the police arrive at her door...and oh how hard it is to not send what I have written.....make a phone call or a personal visit to her hell and tell her....what?! that she has nothing to gain? to get over it? that she is proving out what I know already? maybe. so far push hasn't come to shove but I fight it everyday that I SEE her....I read what I have written, then I see how I am living -living WELL is the best revenge- and I take her continued bad behavior the only way I can- she sees me as the bad guy....I kept my M and she tossed hers- and for seemingly no good reason?!......so I just smile and wave.....and think to myself what so many here say...she ain't worth it -you won't change her- etc....and I have a warm moment knowing that her pain is her pain and she is CONSUMED by her pain-those that laugh last,laugh longest? (she had the first laugh by having an A with MY h...)So-watching her "stalk" my family....and knowing that revenge isn't mine....I can see her punishing herself- full of anger and hate and futilely trying to "win" where she has no chance- I can see that what went around has come around already for her and I didn't have to lift a finger or write a letter....I just had to.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Be patient. Be diligent and smart. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">on the other hand....I fully support telling the OP spouse-out of the closet of deceit and into the light of honest day has had amazing results that I didn't count on when I told.....but thats another thread......!