My wife had an affair on me while she was gone on a trip for 2 months. She is 'in love' with the guy but she is giving us a shot because she thinks God wants us to be together - but she would rather be with the other man. He lives thousands of miles away in another country.

We are going to counseling, reading, praying and doing what we can but I am having problems when it comes to sex. I missed my wife for 2 months and didnt have sex with anyone while she was gone. Now she is home and due to all of this, we have only had sex once. I am 24 years old and maybe some people would judge me as a bad person, and just really horny, but I am really struggling with how to handle sex in this situation. I don't want to beg for sex or make her feel like she has something that I need, but in truth she does. This whole thing is complicated enough without sex, but when you add that into the situation from my perspective, it makes things worse. If things start to get better, I am sure that we will begin to have sex again, but until then how am I to cope? Do I just keep asking her for it? Do I pretend that I don't need it and don't care? Help!

Any advise on how to help a guy out?

Thanks in advance.

The short answer is don't push her right now. There are other aspects of your relationship that need to be rebuilt (or built), particularly your emotional connection to each other. When that is done, the sex will come naturally. I can tell by your question that you have not read "Surviving an Affair", nor taken the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Click on the link in my signature line. It will give you some good advice on how to proceed.

johnh39, I appreciate the reply.

I am currently reading SAA and pre-marriage read His Needs, Her Needs. So I am very familiar with the concept of Sexual Fulfillment along with the other needs people tend to have - this is my struggle.

I know to not push her now, I don't want to push her now, but I cannot just suddenly 'turn off' one of my primary needs and think it has gone away. The sex I am needing now isn't necessarily about love as it is about sex.

Through counseling we are discovering that this affair is more about her past then it is about her falling in love or being excited by another man. Developing sex from love and in our marriage will come naturally though the healing process and there is no doubt it will be incredible. But the 'need' and feelings for sex after not having it for so long tend to fog and confuse the situation for me. There is nothing I would love better then to toss this desire for sex aside for the moment. But in a strange primal sort of way, it isn't about love, it is just about sex.

I am continuing to pray to GOd and look for guidance from the sources you pointed out - but the 'need' for sexual release is a constant struggle.

Thanks again.

I agree with John...you need closeness outside the bedroom before inside the bedroom.

If sexual frustration is the issue...sorry to be blunt...but take care of yourself. No it's not nearly as emotionally satisfing...but sex without the closeness isn't much better. JMHO

(Your frustration may also be caused by a need to "reclaim" your W's body...not unusual in this situation. Better to wait until she "gifts" you with her whole being...not just her body.)

I am in a similar situation. Sickly enough, I think the WS does not want to "cheat" on the OP and that is why they are not so interested in sex with their spouse. (I can pretty much guarantee that is the situation I am dealing with, because when we actually have sex, it is better than it has ever been-- even when he is initially "not into it"!)

Sex can be just sex. Sex can also be the glue to help a marriage through a tough time. How is wanting sex "forcing something" but endless conversations (which is also a need for some) is "therapeutic."

Just my 2 cents, but I think you should tell your wife that you miss sexual intimacy with her. I agree that you have to sure that sex is not all you miss and that you really want to be with her-- but I don't understand why the "need" for sex is constantly put below other valid marital needs-- afterall, it is the only one that should be completely fulfilled within the marriage.

I tend to agree with that. I never said my wife doesn't want to have sex, simply put - she isn't much in the mood due to all of the other emotional and psychological aspects of the affair. She simply isn't feeling enough of a sex drive to really take any initiative. It isn't that she is repulsed by me or doesn't find me attractive, she is just distracted.

just a wifey 2002 - no problem on being blunt. She wasn't distant when we did have sex the one time so I have no reason to believe she would be distant if we did it again. "Taking care of myself" is always an option, but it isn't the same.

The big thing I am confused on is weather it is appropriate to want/expect sex even with everything going on, and how to approach her about this.

" My wife had an affair on me while she was gone on a trip for 2 months. She is 'in love' with the guy but she is giving us a shot because she thinks God wants us to be together - but she would rather be with the other man. He lives thousands of miles away in another country."

First of all you should not feel ashamed to want to have sex with your wife. It is normal. The real problem is that your wife feels that she is doing you a favour by staying with you. For her to bring God into the picture is hypocritical especially when she was the one who committed adultery. Don't buy into her neurotic thinking. If she has no remorse for what she did and is not making you feel
desired and cherished then buy her a one way ticket to the OM and wish her a good life. She is not the only fish in the sea.

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: tomaz ]</small>

There isn't a thing wrong with having sex for sex sake, however...this works best if both people involved are of the same mind at the time. There is all types of sexual relations we have with our partners, from very passionate, or comforting, or just plain fun...or just raw sex.

HOWEVER, the emotional level is already high in this type of situation. This can leave one drained. Often it takes all of our strength and endurance to deal with the problems we are faced with.

I don't see any problem with having a discussion about what you'd like to have happen. If you'd like to began your sexual side of the marriage, the timing is completely up to the two partners involved. I do believe that BOTH partners should want and desire to do so. It should not just be "given" to please one. JMHO

It's completely normal to want to resume sexual relations whenever you decide you want to do so. Many have a deep need to share that side of themselves with their spouse in times of crisis. Many also find it difficult to bridge this area for some time. Each is normal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Taking care of myself" is always an option, but it isn't the same. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ahhh... this is the beginning of wisdom...you see, it is not "just about sex", is it??? Hmmmm?

We guys are SOOOOO slow to understand the emotional side of sex, especially when we are younger and the physical drive is so strong. I will recommend two books for your reading pleasure: "The Sexual Man", by Hart, and: "Passionate Marriage", by Schnarch (you might want to read PM with your W). SM is from a christian perspective, PM is not, but they are both VERY good. SM helped me particularly get a better handle on the emotional side of sex.

One other thing that helped me was being told by a woman who was very interested in sex that it was a lot of effort, so when she was tired, she was likely to be uninterested. (I had heard the "I'm tired." excuse so often for so many years that I had trouble accepting it as a legitimate thing.)

One last thing is that as I understand Harley's approach more and more, I think labeling emotional needs as "needs" really tends to get us in a counter-productive frame of mind in terms of trying to get them met. IF you try to get them met without using the Policy of Joint Agreement, you are likely to have trouble. Meeting EN's and POJA really need to go together. Demanding or begging to have your EN's met does not work. You have got to learn to negotiate for them and to communicate well enough and understand each other well enough to use the POJA to get your needs met in ways you BOTH really enjoy.

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

in my opinion, it is appropriate and completely normal for you to want sex....and since she has told youtha she intends to stay with you and work on the marriage...sex should be a part of that. maybe she feels like you are not interested or turned off because of the affair.
you don't have to pressure her if it is clear that she is NOT interested but you have every rite to want it...even expect it....and tell her that you think it is important to your marriage. talk to her about it. see what she thinks.

Hi there, I agree you need to let your wife know how you are feeling in a very gentle way. I think you need to be careful not to over do it though, which can easy happen when you really feel you need something desperately. You most definately won't be getting any sex if you are both fighting with each other.

Yes, I know the need for sex is very compelling, are you excercising and distracting yourself? Maybe John is onto something too, when he says "see its not just about sex", maybe you also need the affection that goes with it? Just a thought. If sex is high on your EN list, then that is how you give love and feel loved by your wife.

You know feelings, like being stressed and tired and feeling guilty in some people can absolutely rob them of their sex drive.

All I know is that this is an important EN, as important as any other, if its not being met, then something has to be done, are you guys going to counselling?

Hang in there matey, you are in control of your body, even at 24!

SH