Hi everyone, I have been reading the different posts for weeks and this is my story.
Known W for about 12yrs, been married 10 next month.
We were engage about a yr after we met I lived over seas for awhile. Even though we crazy about each other I started see OP and come to find out she was doing the same. Both of us not having that knowlege.
However I moved to the US and we started living together, with me not being sure still about M (I was very young then) saw someone.
We got M and I decided to be a one W man.
About a 1.5yrs after she goes out town for job and have one-night stand says she was drunk she didn't know what happened. But at that time I didn't know anything. Came back spend a lot of time accusing me of cheating on her which was not true.
She back out of town a few months later for work and now pregnant with my child, met OM and slept with him. But before that, call me on the phone probably few minutes before sex with OM or a few minutes afterwards asking if I was being faithful to her. Says because she had no interest in guy but did it just because it easy because of first time. Says on none occasion did she enjoyed anything, the first time she was to drunk to know what happened. Says it happened 3 times with enjoy just because. And she thought OM was attractive but she didn't want any longterm relationship so didn't keep in contact with him and end it. But I still didn't know anything. And many times after that she became extremely jealous and possesive and accusing me of having A (which was not true). Fastfwd to 97 we had an argument which she started she left home angry call a male friend, went to his house pour out her problems to him. She says he took advantage her state of mind and she slept with him. WW says the time having sex with him felt sick about the what she was doing and did not enjoy anything (is that possible?). WW says next day she cursed OM because he took advantage of her. Never saw OM again, says she was sick of falling into the same trap, but I still didn't know anything. WW says even after that went out with other guys but no sex just kissing. But all through that time made my life a living hell, with accusations of me having an A, and extreme jealousy. She came clean last year about this time. I forgave her.
Even my cheating before we got M, and hers also because we were commited but not really, when we got M I was completely committed even when I was tempted to cheat and it hurt me because I gave myself to spend the rest of my life with her. And she lied continuosly about her actions while accusing me.
It's been over a year now since DD and it still bothers me even though I have forgiven. She says she didn't tell me because she didn't want to lose me, but she made my life hell while she kept all this with in.
I talk about it much because now she acts like the victim and that I am bringing up her past. Sometimes she still tries to accuse me of other women even though she knows my whereabouts or other past things she convinced herself about me which are not through, and I end up bringing up the things she did out of frustration. I want to get past her A's or onenight stands, but it still bothers me even though I have forgiven her. Tried counseling once after. My problem is I afraid to express my feelings now about it bothering me because she takes the victims seat.
Excuse me for rambling but I just needed to vent and hope what I trying to say makes sense.

kirkie

Yes, you made perfect sense. Often a WS because of their own insecuities, which also effect their choices to betray, will continually accuse their faithful spouse of having the same thoughts they themselves are having or of doing what they are doing. When you're in the wrong, you really want to be able to justify to yourself that everyone else is doing something wrong right along with you.

While this is pretty normal, you do not have to accept her victim role. Your W might really benefit from some personal and individual counseling to see what she can do about her insecuities and to understand why she has taken the betrayal option. Unless she come to grip with her own issues, I'd be concerned that past behavior will leak over into future behavior. JMHO

It does seem that the year mark brings many memories back to haunt us. We re-live the discover, the pain, angry and the confusion. We look back at all the suffering and plain hard work over the last year...It can be a very dangerous time to forget to remember what we have accomplished in bettering our marriages and ourselves, as we are focusing on the negatives, not the positives which we have worked so hard to build.

Forgiving is not forgetting. You also can forgive the person for an act, without ever forgiving the act itself. No, it's not right for you to releave your frustration by bring up the affair/s but it's human.

You and your W should once again began counseling to work through those issues which need to be addressed...sounds like communication is one which could use work, along with learning how to "fight fair".

You've come a long way towards healing in a year. Good luck as you travel your healing path.

Thank you
just a wifey 2002
I really don't bring her past up it's just on the ocassion, that something said by her reminds of her past. As for communication, I try talking to her and not at her, but it almost always backfire on me. And this is really wearing me out.

kirkie

Dear Kirkie,
When I read your post, I felt like I was looking at a mirror. We are both in the same situation, except I got my H to go to a MC because he was cheating. He, like you hates letting people know his feelings, especially outside of our marriage. This has been very hard for him, but our marriage is getting better. He has now said goodbye to the OP and through our MC, we are re-defining our relationship.

My advise is to go the MC and forget about your W being in the victim's seat. The MC is there for both of you and it will be good for you to go and "vent". We have discovered alot in just two sessions and found we have alot of issues that have been simmering for a long time.

Remember, your angels are out there.
ESZ