I found out Monday.....This is Wednesday evening....I can't eat for being sick...can't talk to anyone....how long does this last? What is the next emotion?

Hi ABC
For me, I didn't eat for a week. It was the worst diet to be on.
I didn't tell ANYONE either. I didn't tell for a whole year!
I thought the affair was over, and we were making it work, only to find out a year later, he was still involved and claims he is in love with her.

I don't know what your situation is now, if he is still there, or wanting to make it work out.
For me, I thought things were better, and I was trying to put everything back together and work ont the things I knew I had faults with.

My H has left our home. It's been 3 weeks now, and he doesn't seem to be wanting to come back.
I'm not a good one to give advice. I want him to come back more than anything, and I'm still dying inside.

I wish you the best, and keep reading and posting here. It does help.

K.

I found out sunday, and I ate lunch today and felt ok for the first time. The upside is that I've lost 8 pounds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My wife and I have been talking and working on our marriage constantly, so I think we've come a long way in a short time. Don't get me wrong, I still have a pit in my stomach, maybe I'm just getting used to it. But I can say that even though each day has been brutally hard, they have also been getting better. Hang in there. - J

He left today. I have not talked to anyone except had my sister-in-law come back to the house for me to get thing for myself & daughter so we could stay in hotel. She is still in school and I know this is so difficult for her. So, I came back home and ask him to leave. He has called several times today. Family has called but I don't even pickup the phone or even go to door when they come to house. I feel like my soul has been ripped away. We would have been married 30 years in a few months. I thought he would always be faithful to me. I have been able to cry a little today........I find myself having to think about breathing...the ache is so bad.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this...the pain will last as long as you allow it to last.

One piece of advice that I received was to eat well (nutritionally, not quantity) and exercise. This helps in two ways...first, you will maintain your health...second, you will have a diversion from your pain.

You will get through this...

abc...the pain will be with you for many days, it's part of the process of healing. There really is little you can do, but know that what you are feeling is normal. We've all been there, so we do understand.

Please read what is offered on this site, there is a lot of valuable information which can help you understand the emotional turmoil you are going through and give you an idea of what your H might be dealing with.

The "betrayed diet" is famous...Please call your family doctor and get a good physical check-up, you need to be aware of how generally healthy you are while you're dealing with this stressful time. Do try to exercise and eat as much as you feel comfortable with eating. Talk honestly with your doctor, see if he/she feels that a short term treatment with some anti-depression medication is in order. Most of us find that it can help us get over the hump while learning to deal with all these new emotions of sorrow and anger. They don't take it away, but they help you with learning to control them some. (Sorry, the last thing you want to think about is this...but you must also be tested for STDs. There has been another sex partner and it is much better to be informed.)

From your post, your H is out of the house right now. What do you THINK you want to have happen? Not that you have to decide right now. Most of us always advise waiting to make any life-changing decisions while in the mist of all the heartbreak. Too easy to make a quick decision which you will later regret.

What has your H told you about his wishes? You've been in a long term marriage, that's a lot of history to overcome and leave behind.

Please do reach out to others. You do NOT have to tell them everything, but don't cut out your personal support system when you need them most. YOU have done NOTHING wrong. There is no need to feel any shame, or any sense that this is in anyway your fault. You've got family and friends who want to be there for you...let them.

Please continue to post as the need moves you. We're are always ready to lend a shoulder to cry on and a hand to help steady....and a LOT of advice, even when unasked for at times.

We do care!

The pain will remain for a while. It stayed with me for a long time and I still have small doses of it. I went for 2 whole weeks straight without eating. After 1 month I lost 25 pounds (I did weigh 185). It was the worst pain I think I've ever felt or will feel - but you will get better I promise you.

It's been a month since my wife announced she was confused and needed "space".I have had a pit in my stomach ever since but it's gradually getting better.Try not to dwell onit and keep busy,exercise has also been a good therapy.I'm still working on the nights which are the hardest.Look at the "upside" you may achieve you perfect weight!!

I think it's amazing how we all reacted the same way... I found out saturday night and only yesterday have I been able to eat a meal... only lunch... It does stay with you, and it does hurt... Lean on God right now, you will see how He starts answering you in small ways to let you know that you are important, your are worthy to Him... and that makes all the difference. It is making a difference on my state of mind... I am in a "rollercoster" as they all say here...but at least I know that God is holding me and that I won't fall... it is scary but I hold on to the promise that "this to shall pass"...

The pain will last a while. Click on the link in my signature line to get some advice on what else to do besides just endure it.

I found out in February, and the pain and anguish were so intense that I also lost my appetite. I also lost interest in doing much else. I slowly regained my equilibrium, but then there were more revelations in the last two weeks, so I'm back on the roller-coaster! Nor does it help that H is incarcerated for another 50 or so days. I do get hungry every once in a blue moon, but diet consists mostly of salads, water, P&J sandwiches and cereal. Had dessert for the first time yesterday!

All the advice you received so far has been excellent. Please know first and foremost that none of this is your fault. Also, know that you are a child of God first and foremost. They say it will get better!

I went to grocery store today. I could not even look at people. I feel so dirty and ashamed. Why do I feel that way? I had to keep forcing myself to take deep breaths so I wouldn't panic. Every muscle in my body aches. I go from being hot to freezing. I have not worked or talked to anyone except daughter & son. God has given me the strength to get thru a lot over the years but I don't feel that now. I feel like my soul is gone.

ABC - I felt that way a lot too - any store I would go into or anywhere at all for that matter, I felt like people were all looking at me and laughing at me that my wife had an affair while I was so stupid and guliable. I got over that though. Man I really went through some tough times. Easily my darkest of hours recently in the last month or so.

Dear ABC123,
I know what you are going through and you will feel better. For me it took time and support. When I first suspected, I held it all in and told no one. Then, when I had proof about my H & OP, I took 1/2 of our savings out and started my own checking account. It was terrifying and liberating at the same time! I was becoming independent! I met with an attorney and he told me my options. We discovered that I did not really want a divorce - so he suggested a MC that "works miracles". In fact, he had one couple that he said he would have bet a million dollars that they would divorce and they reconciled. I also found this website and a whole new world.

You are not alone. Betrayal is more common than you think.

You will also rise above this a new person - stronger and more vibrant!

You need to concentrate on you. People kept telling me that and I ignored their advise at first, but then I started exercising, tanning, smiling, living....

I also didn't hold it in. I called his mother and brother. I did it to say goodbye, not to hurt them. They were shocked and still are very supportive of me. I thought it would be the opposite since they were family.

My co-workers also have been my rock and their shoulders have made me strong. They, including family have made me feel good.

Take baby steps...breathe....eat when you can and try to do things you guys normally didn't do. Go bowling, go out to eat with a friend, go to the library, go visit a museum. Anything so you can start to re-direct your mind into something other than the pain you are feeling.

I bought a treadmill. Exercise gets a bad rap...it's great for stress relief.

Even if you don't feel like it, try to smile. Especially when you look in the mirror. You were born for a reason - a purpose. God will protect you.

ESZ

I've know for 4 weeks, 4 days and 18 hours. I'm no better now than I was at that point. I've enjoyed reading everyone's comments because at this exact moment I could literally throw up.

I think at some point it has to get better. I want to talk about it, fix it, make time fly by and be back to normal. We did the Emotional Needs questionnaire and it was helpful, but hurtful. Basically, he told me I wasn't the spouse he wanted in 3 of his top 5. Dealing with that is enough to make me want to give up today.

I'm taking Xanax on occasion to calm me down. I'd suggest it if your doctor would be willing. We've been "playing married" for the past 4+ weeks so that he could spend time with the baby (4 months old) but I've now asked for that to end and we start scheduling things. I'm scared to do this because I'm thinking he'll run back to her.

I'm so close to getting in the car, going to her house and asking her to get out of my marriage. Agree?

Anway, hang in there (with me) I'm sure there must be a better tomorrow somewhere down the road

D-Day: 3/6/03
Married 3 years
One child 4 months
me: 35 him: 34

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by abc_1232003:
<strong>I went to grocery store today. I could not even look at people. I feel so dirty and ashamed. Why do I feel that way? I had to keep forcing myself to take deep breaths so I wouldn't panic. Every muscle in my body aches. I go from being hot to freezing. I have not worked or talked to anyone except daughter & son. God has given me the strength to get thru a lot over the years but I don't feel that now. I feel like my soul is gone.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ABC, I can totally relate to this. We live in a condo building, where we are a pretty well-known couple, and I have been panicky that the staff and other residents know, and either pity me or are secretly laughing when my back is turned. I don't know which I find more offensive--laughter or pity! It was even worse when a couple of H's angry OW (apparently didn't know he was married) showed up at our building when I wasn't home. I'm an intensely private person, so I was alternately horrified AND embarassed. It had gotten so bad that I would rush into my condo through the back entrance, close and lock the door and confine my activities to my bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen. I didn't even turn on lights in the living room, fearful that OW's were lurking and waiting for any sign of habitation. It's ridiculous and it's shameful. I was so angry at one point that I wrote H blistering letter blasting him for putting me in this predicament. Now that I've raged, I'm trying to calm down and settle into some sense of normalcy--as if anything will ever be normal again.

I wholeheartedly agree that exercise is an excellent stress buster. If you don't belong to a gym, even running or a half-hour walk in the evenings will do you a world of good! You have to resolve that you will take care of yourself. Remember--you have little ones who are totally dependent on you. Now, the time I would normally spend in bed with H in the mornings, I actually get up at 5:30 a.m. and work out.

Like you, I also wondered if God had abandoned me and if I were the victim of some cosmic joke. He loves you, ABC, and will help you get through this storm, as He has helped you get through the others.

Hi ABC,

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. The emotions and the physical reactions that you are experiencing are normal for the BS, if there can be such a thing as normal. Most of us that went through this reacted the same way. The duration varies, dependent on the BS&#8217;s strength, the progress with the M, the actions of the WS and numerous other factors. The good news is that eventually you will start to feel better.

You have found a wonderful site and applying the MB principles could save and improve your M and also improve and strengthen you as a person. You have already received wonderful advice and there is nothing useful that I could add in light of my limited experience. I would suggest that you visit your physician and if you feel depressed get some ADs and some sleeping tablets. Being depressed, not eating and not sleeping is bad for you (weak attempt at humour, I know).

God Bless and I hope life starts improving soon for you.

SB

I saw H drive down the dirt road to back of our property last night around 11:00. He called, very drunk, and ask to come home. I said no and he said I better think about what I was doing. I hung up on him. I thought I heard gun shots. I did not sleep much last night because I thought he might come in & start a scene and wake our daughter. I ate a little soup yesterday and my stomach has been in spasms ever since. My entire body aches. I am scared of these feelings. My muscles are so sore from shivering and I keep the heat on 75. Thank you for being here because I cannot bring myself to talk to any family or friends now.

The emotions you are feeling are normal. The fear they inspire because of your inability to control them is also normal. You are likely feeling emotions which you've never faced before or had to control, this takes time to learn.

It's great that you ate a little bit. Even if you're body is rebelling, keep trying. The trembling is also normal. You've suffered a terrible shock and emotional attack, this is normal!

How old are your children? You said you'd talked to your daughter and son....are they old enough to give you the type of support you need? You really must find the courage to seek out some professional support.

As I said in my first reply to you...YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! YOU did NOTHING wrong! Affairs are about self...your H did this...not you!!!!!!! You raise your head high...you did what a wife was surposed to do, you trusted the man you love. The fact that he abused that love and trust is NOT your fault.

You posted that H called last night very drunk...is his drinking a factor in this? So often it does seem to be one.

If you're a church goer...have you thought of talking to your pastor/priest? They often have some training for helping us through the early stages of betrayal. Call your doctor for a referral to a GOOD counselor who specializes in betrayals...reach out to your family and friends...they care, they want to help. Do NOT allow your H to cut you off from your supportive friends and family. (However, do be aware that even the most well meaning friends and family can often put pressure on you to make a decision one way or the other....this is NOT their decision to make...but your's when the time is right.)

Keep posting...we're listening.

I know exactly how you feel. I never ever ever thought my husband would cheat on me. Then i found out 18 days ago that he was sleeping with a friend of mine and they did it in our house. I was devistated. I never knew I could hurt that deeply. I was sick about it for about a week. I coouldn't eat, still can't sleep and my stomach was toen up. But we have decided to work on our marriage and we are going counseling (his suggestion. I can tell you it isn't easy and you feel like crap for a long time but it will pass. At first I didn't believe it but I am already feeling stronger even though it is so fresh. You can pull through it. Come here and talk it helps alot to know you are not the only one who has ever gone through this.