Hi, I am a first timer
My gut feelings were telling me something was up last August, and as time went on I found things that made me suspicious....strange pages on his pager over Thanksgiving. When I questioned this, I was told they were just good friends. Of course my reaction was friends don't send friends communications over family holidays....something just didn't feel right. Needless to say, I know the very least is an EA, however how can I determine if it is more than this? AFter finally finding MB and reading everything.. he fits the typical profile. "I need my space to think, I still love you, but I am not in love with you....etc" Then I found a page he sent her about 3 weeks ago. It was very personal and physically explicit! When I questioned H about this he just went beserk about his privacy, and never answered why he sent what he did. I also asked how he could tell another woman he loverd her. Of course he gave me some BS about how people love their friends, and he didn't mean anything by it...they are just friends.
Does an EA last longer? This has been going on now for 9 months now. Thanks for your support <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Bonita92,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through and understand how you feel. I too was told the whole "Just Friends" speech too. Anytime I would question anything about this so-called-friend I would get labeled that I was a control freak and that I did'nt trust her. #1 I have never been a control freak and #2 I did'nt trust her because of her bizzare behavior. Your right - friends don't opperate like this under these conditions. Your gut is telling you the right things. The whole friend then went on for weeks and I let it happend cause I was in a no-win situation were asif I did'nt let her go see this "Friend" I would get stuff thrown in my face and if I let her do what she wanted to do I had to suffer through what I knew was going on and I was letting it happen. This all finally came to a head when I contacted the person but tings still happened that led to them having sex.

Married couples should never feel invaded of their privacy when confronted by activity that is suspicous - you had every right to question what you did cause this is not an acceptable formula for a married couple to operate. Your gut is telling you the right thing and if he has the ability to be in the physical presense of this Other woman than there is a good chance it is a physical affair also. I would start a plan A ASAP and tell your husband that you love him but your not going to accept how he is acting and treating you.

How do I go about Plan A? I have read all the books and info on the site. My dilemma is whenever I attempt to talk to H about OP he tells me to drop it. How can we move on if I keep bringing it up......etc.
He just won't admit ANYTHING!!!!!

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

The short answer is you 1) eliminate love busters, and 2) meet his most important EN's.

Please note that if Plan A does not work, then it is time for Plan B.

my H swore he had an EA only on our kids lives. I found letters from OW which suggested PA, and Hs story changed frequently. I only found out truth by snooping behind his back. Only when i had evidence did he admit the PA. Even now, i'm not sure i know all details or length of A, how will i know after all lies? I know enough now. I hope your plan A goes ok, take care, ad x

Since H always gets angry whenever talking about the OP, or even suggesting that there is anything going on; is it OK to write the Plan A in a letter and give that to him? And then ask to discuss it?
He is really acting strange.Yesterday he left work early, I only found this out by telling him I was stopping by his office. Then I get a page that he is on his way home and then he returns to work? I asked him what he was doing leaving so early, and he advised it was none of my business! And he asked if I was on a spy mission.... etc, etc.
Anyway, we finally talk via fone and I try to ask him what is going on and he says he wants a separation. I say fine if that is what he wants, but people do not generally want to separate unless there is someone else in the picture. He later calls to advise he is on his way home and is it safe to come home. I ask him why he wants to come home, he says he really doesn't so I say fine then don't. All of this in a very calm voice. He then shows up at home an hour later. We don't speak and I end up in our bedroom for the night..never speaking, and he sleeps upstairs. This morning I left early to go to work to get things I can work on at home today. While gone, he gets ready for work and leaves. Now this is the catcher.........I had given him a very nice romantic card about 3 weeks ago. In the card I wrote how I loved him and always would, that I wanted to help him get through whatever he was going through, and I would be here for him. I love him and want us to work out things, acknowledging that I had taken his love for granted in the past, but I would never do that again. I would every day tell and show him how much I loved him....etc. He had not opened it yet. I trusted God would put it on his heart to open it when he needed to.
Well, when I got home from getting my stuff from work, he had already left for work..However, he had opened the card and left it on my pillow with a note that said he really liked the card, and then signed with our usual affectionate sign off. I am really confused.....
Can anyone advise what is going on with him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Simple: he is having second thoughts! Your approach about being calm and still telling him you love him is a lot tougher to deal with for him mentally. It would be real easy for him to justify to himself his new found friend if you were being a real B***H. He could then justify why he needs to be apart and justify why he needs her only. But you are doing what a lot of us have a hard time doing, being pleasant, calm, supportive and firm while the whole D**N ceiling is crashing down!

Look, he has been with this woman for 9 months, so it will take some time for him to get out of his "fog" and begin to think about you and the situation he is still in....hang in there, Reading the card was a good sign!

Thanks for the last advice.

So the question now is do I write a letter to him for Plan A?
I have read SAA, HNHN, etc. So I know I need to continue to reassure him of my commitmen and love, and acknowledge my contribution to the A, but do I insist he terminate all communication with the OW? How do I handle that? As I said earlier, I think a letter would be more recieved than trying to talk since he does not want to talk about the A, which he won't admit. In his mind he says he hasn't touched her, so there is no A. I am not so sure about that anymore.....
All he brings up when we try to talk is all the past problems and how he felt abandoned and ignored...really exagerations on his part! Justification in his mind for what he is doing!
Please. help I need advise.

Thanks/Bonita92

Yes, I would write a letter to him with Plan A and set those boundries. Including your request for a no contact letter. He may just needs some guidance right now. When and if he is willing to do the letter, it must be written by him, read by you and mailed with you standing there.

As far as the affair goes, I read the other day that reveling anything to another person that you would not share with a spouse, is an affair. This has been debated since it stabs at close friendships. I think this IS what leads to an affair, but is not neccssarily an affair as many people have very close friends. His not telling you anything is normal. I have been waiting 1.5 years and have been told only fondling occurred, but it was still an affair.