I recently posted a topic regarding whether or not I should confront the OM. The responses I received were an overwhelming no. Sometimes you don't get the answer you want to hear, and this was one of those times for me. Someone suggested writing him a letter. I did, but I have not sent it. I'd like you guys to read it and give me feedback on content, and if you think this is a good idea. He was a co-worker of my wife, and she has quit her job. Her last possible contact with him will be in a week and a half, although she thinks she can avoid him during that time (my wife generally works from a different location that him.) On her last day of work, I would like to send this:

(One piece of background info so you understand the reference, he divorced his wife because she cheated on him.) The names have been changed to protect the guilty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />



John,

I am aware of what happened between you and my wife.

I would like to ask you how someone who has experienced the pain and agony that I am feeling could take part in doing it to someone else, but I won't ask you that. That's an answer that you owe to yourself, not to me.

What you do owe me is the right to fix what is mine, my marriage. I am asking you to never contact Jennifer again under any circumstances. I am asking you to avoid any and all contact with her, without exception. She or I will not be attending events that we know you might attend. I ask you to do the same and avoid events where we might be present. If you see her in public, please turn around and walk away. I will also ask you to respect us enough to refain from discussing this matter with anyone else.

Obviously my first instincts are not to write a civil letter to you, but I think it is best this way. As long as you can respect my requests we will have no problems, and there will be no need for any future contact.

J-

Any thoughts?

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: StrongerEveryday ]</small>

SE,

Wow. Pretty good, but still seemed a "little in your face". Trust me I understand, but I would try to tone it down, more along the lines of "out of respect for me and my family...". The last line looks like you are looking for a fight. The 2nd paragraph comes off too judgemental. Hope this helps.

BTW, I can't write a letter to the OM, he's Italian, and speaks as much english as I speak Italian.

StrongerEveryday,

I assume your W ended the A. I would not send that letter ... Your W should !. Copied NC letter from SAA and modified it a bit, sit down with your W and discuss it. If you could handle it, I would hand that copy to OM let him read it and walk away.

If A is not ended ... I would meet him in person and look him at the eyes !. You would know if he is a b@st@rd or just a weakling that lost in A.

In all, what is your gain/payoff of sending this letter ?

-rh-

Stronger,

I feel for ya, pal. I have wanted to write a letter to the OW in my situation, but unfortunately she and my H have to remain in the same working conditions until her H's transfer to move to a different state comes through.

(I don't mean to change the subject here, but any prayers and vibes you all could send their way that might help them get the He!! out of this state would certainly be appreciated!)

At any rate, there is one part about the letter in which I have some food for thought (I love the first paragraph, btw) ...

I have been learning through my IC sessions that under no circumstances should I be giving my power over to the OP. In your third paragraph, I sense a tinge of that going on. What you are actually saying there is, "You must respect these wishes or you will be sorry," or, "You must do what I say." In essence, this is saying to the OP that in order for your M to move on, he needs to obey your requests. Hopefully this isn't true. Hopefully your marriage will grow stronger despite what he does. His track record proves that he did not respect your boundaries in the first place ... what makes you think he is going to do it now? By him hearing you make demands, it may want to make him break them all the more. I agree with redhat ... your WW should write this letter. She owes that to you anyway, and it would prove to you that she is serious about working on your M. I know once the OW in my situation gets the go-ahead to move, the first thing my FWH is going to do is write a similar letter to this one and change his cell phone number.

I know it is very difficult to not contact the OP yourself, especially since your d-day is so recent. But try to remember (and this may offend some WSs on here, sorry) that this OM has proven himself to be a worthless person to your family, so why is he even worth your time? Focus the energy and time you spend thinking about him on your W. Both of you will benefit in the long run.

Many blessings ...

My wife broke the affair off cleanly. OM is not attempting to make contact and she told him that they would not be speaking again. She quit her job, so I think the message is clear. She also says that he agreed that it should end, and that he was a hypocrit for ever doing it in the first place. I don't want to write this letter to acheive anything other than to give myself a sense of control I guess. I feel the need to re-stake my claim, if you will (I know that sounds possesive and controlling, but that's not my nature and it's really not my motive). I guess I'm doing it for purely selfish reasons, but I really think it will be theraputic for me. I want him to know that I know, and I want him to respect what is happening. I don't have a fear of the affair re-kindling, although maybe I should. Thanks for the feedback. Check back in on this thread and I'll change the letter (actually, it's going to be an email).

One more thought as to the "tone" of my letter. I've never been the OM, but I think I would be afraid the BS would kill me if he found out. I know the last paragraph sounds a little threatening, but in truth I think it would be good for him to hear that all he has to do is stay away and he'll never hear from me again.

StrongerEveryday,

The letter should come from your W (NC) letter ... there are 2 reasons why OM still trys, IMHO. First OM is a pathetic looser second, OM feels your W didn't break it clean. That is why the reason NC letter is constructed and you have to deliver a copy to close the loop. Plus for defending yor household and letting him know ... I would go and talk to him or pick up the phone and call him !. Someone invading your household and all you would do is "nice" letter ?. Is OM married ?, I would let him know that you would tell his W if he doesn't stop ... I would tell OMW long time a go. I would let him know that you would go to HR department and let them know !. I would file RO if he keeps calling and hung up !, one more call would ending him up in jail !. I would use every allowable by law to defend your household and get rid of this OM from your household !.

-rh-

Note: Don't send this letter. You have to threathen him out, do it face to face or by phone. Don't leave a trace but do it. Otherwise leave with annoying disturbance from OM.

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Hi StrongerEveryday,

I know how you feel, I sent an e-mail to the OW when I found out, and it was pretty harsh, then a month later, I felt for some stupid reason, I need to send her a letter saying i have chosen to forgive him and what i hoped to regain. My self-control was not as evident as yours and i did tell her again what i thought of people (women) who entered into to relationships with married men, I thought that being a woman and a mother herself, she would have more self-respect...yada yada....I wasn't mean but i needed to say it. Her response was ridiculous and actually made me feel worse and sort of like an idiot. I think your letter is tasteful and to the point, no insult slinging etc. You are owed a certain amount of respect but he may not see that, so maybe phrase it in"out of respect", or "having been through this yourself you can understand"...Good luck!!

Nice letter...I still wouldn't send it. NC is important...and that letter makes contact. JMHO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by just a wifey 2002:
<strong>Nice letter...I still wouldn't send it. NC is important...and that letter makes contact. JMHO</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with Just a Wifey, no contact means no contact......for both the WS and BS.
Michael

I agree with everyone here...do not send it, there is no need to at this point. The ONLY person who should send this type of letter is the wayward spouse. It sounds like she has done a good job as far as the No Contact effort goes.

Man, you guys are tough with this no contact thing. First you tell me I can't confront him, and now I can't write him a letter. Ok, how about this. I hire a sky writer to fly over his house and spell out "John is a a**hole!". How about that? Can I do that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, I'm taking your responses very seriously. Regardless of what I do, it will be with the agreement of my wife and she's not crazy about this idea. I can understand the concern on your behalves, and I can understand her reticence. I can't help but feel like she is protecting him, and that's not a good feeling. However, I really don't think that is her motive. She explained to me that her feelings for him are fading very quickly, and the sooner they are gone the happier she'll be. She feels like me contacting him keeps him in our lives even longer. I can understand what she is saying.

It boils down to this for me, and pardon the language, but this guy f'd my wife (and yes, she f'd him. It's a two way street and I know that). It's difficult for me to just stand by, accept what happened, forgive her, and never make an overt act to re-claim what is mine. I feel like a chump. It's like having sand kicked in your face and not standing up for yourself. Like I said, I'm listening to what you have to say and I'm hearing it. I guess what I really need is some advice on how to overcome this feeling that I need to do something. It's a void in my psyche right now, and I need to fill it. I felt like this letter would do that.

Thanks again. We're doing well so far. This site, and the concepts in particular, have been great and we're really working hard. -J

hmmmm...now the sky writing I might cast my vote for! LOL

The importance of NC can not be over-stated. The results of ANY contact can involve you and your W with more difficulites, between the two of you, and definitely if the OM uses this to open up communication between you or your W...the last thing you need.

Remember, negative contact, no matter how negative, gives the person a sense of power in that they are still involved in YOUR life, still pullling your strings, even if it's only in making you mad. Indifference is what your goal is...making the OP a non-issue in your life. He does NOT exists! There is no one to speak/write to...no one...gone...dead and buried...ashes...dirt to be blown away by the wind.

Good Luck!

Just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents worth here. I'm definitely for the sky writing...hehe! My initial response to my H's affairs was hoping I'd run into one of the OW and then casually ask...aren't you so and so, I'm ___ _____ and you don't know me, but you slept with my husband...you know, said real casually. I'd love to see them just stand there and freak out. Not many of the women my H were with will ever find out that I know because they were so long ago and to bring it to their attention now would have no value. I can still DREAM however...hehe! This is a tough one for me because I feel that I'd somehow feel more in control if they knew that I knew about them.

About that letter. I'm going against popular opinion here, but I sent one to the most recent OW for whom my H was going to leave me for. It turned out to be a good thing because she wrote back and he was disgusted with her response. She said that neither he or she had done anything wrong and that God had led them to be together. Well, as stupid as he was at the time, even my very WH knew it was WRONG!! I wrote her one more time after that and then when she responded even creepier the next time, he wrote to her, with my approval and told her that he completely disagreed with her side of the story, that he loved me deeply and that he had been wrong about my abilities to meet his needs. So, in our case, my H went from being deeply in love with this woman to completely disgusted with her over a week long period. Obviously he was never in love with her in reality, but that's beside the point.

I have a totally different idea for you. What if you and your wife write a no contact letter together? Neither of you should be sending anything to anyone without the approval of the other at this point anyway. Her part of it should be from her and should state that she loves YOU deeply and that she's terribly sorry for her behavior that has hurt you so badly. Your part might include positive things about your marriage....We are in a lot of pain right now, but our love is much deeper than this. You tried to harm us, but in the end God will use it to bring us even closer and make us even stronger. I hope that you'll never put another family through this kind of pain. From now on, we ask that you respect our desire for no further contact from you under any circumstances. Please avoid us at all costs as we will avoid you also.
(just some ideas)

I think that the shorter it is and the more powerful each word is, the better. I wouldn't add in any type of threat. You only have to defend what is truly threatened. You want to give the impression that this is a terrible thing that's been done, but that your love is much stronger than any infatuation that they had with each other.

Keep in mind that the OM might see any contact from you as a right to respond to you with his own letter. My H's most recent OW was very powerful and was used to having the last word and she really tried. I kind of opened up a can of worms by writing to her and I only did it because we hadn't discovered MB yet. The things she wrote back to me devastated me and they are still haunting me to this day. My only comfort is that she, on her own, made my H realize that he didn't love her. So...beware!

Okay, that's it for me. Please, don't anybody slam me for writing this because I had a horrible day yesterday and I'm still recovering from it!!

I wish the best for you and your wife as you work toward a swift and sure recovery.

Stillwed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StrongerEveryday:
<strong>She feels like me contacting him keeps him in our lives even longer. I can understand what she is saying.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2x4 here ... You told us that OM is still trying to contact W !. He is in your M right now and you need to response to get rid of him for good. If you are quite about it one of this day, he will keep trying !. Bite the bullet and be done with it once for all. Just look at PBR in Orchid's M.

JMVHO -rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StrongerEveryday:
<strong>She feels like me contacting him keeps him in our lives even longer. I can understand what she is saying.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2x4 here ... You told us that OM is still trying to contact W !. He is in your M right now and you need to response to get rid of him for good. If you are quite about it one of this day, he will keep trying !. Bite the bullet and be done with it once for all. Just look at PBR in Orchid's M.

JMVHO -rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Redhat, I'm not sure where you got the impression that he is still trying to make contact, because he isn't. I read your first response and I just figured you mis-read something. If I wrote something that makes it sound as if he's still attempting to contact her, point it out so I can change it because that's not accurate. I'm not trying to force him out of the picture, because I think he is gone. I wanted to do this for the reasons I outlined previously, basically to make myself feel better. Sorry if I wrote something in a confusing way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My fault ... I read 1.5 weeks is a recent contact but was the last one. If he is not trying, you have to let it go. The revenge is not yours ... thank for the clarification. -rh-

Thanks, red. I think you guys are right. I'm just trying to sort through the emotions. I feel very fortunate to have found this site. I would not be in the place I am right now if it wasn't for the ability to talk to someone and realize that I'm not alone. - J

Stronger,

Wouldn't be fun to just pound this guy? How about cost him his career? Maybe make sure he never has children? Perhaps, get his W if he has one, or perhaps any that show up to leave him? With a little thought and some concerted concentration, all sorts of diabolical acts could be constructed.

But, thinking about these things really doesn't give you much satisfaction does it? Sort of fun to consider, but really not very realistic.

Stronger, what you need to understand is that YOU WON. Your W chose you once when you married and again when compared to the OM. You my man have the prize. She is with you. Apparently, she was clear on the concept and left him and her job to make the marriage work.

Stronger, if you want revenge then enjoy the heck out of your life, your W, and your family if you have one.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

That quote should be put on your desk somewhere and considered everyday. Live your life well and let the OM deal with his. My bet is that he won't fair as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You by the way haven't done nothing, you have reclaimed what was yours, actually you didn't lose what was yours, your W did. SHe lost her dignity, her self-respect, and your trust. But you have done something that requires great strength, and that is adjust to and deal with this A. You have in fact fought for your love and marriage as you should have.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL