I've been coming to this site daily since my H told me about the affair last weekend. Mostly because I can't sleep and I need something to fill in time, but also I have found the best resources here - it's a real treasure!

I read somewhere on this site that there are 3 stages that the BS goes through. Stage 1 - I won, Stage 2 - What did I win? etc..... After thrashing the whole thing out on Monday (we both took a day off work), he phoned her and told her that it was finished, and never to contact him again. But he hasn't spoken to me since and now it's Saturday ..... It has been the worst week of my life.

The background: I was away from home for 7 weeks starting in Jan this year doing military training. When I came back, he'd moved out, citing incompatability - I was too difficult and too mean to live with. He suggested seeing a counsellor. (The counsellor by the way, was recommended by a work colleague of his who had seen her after having an exit affair, which ended his marriage). We started counselling, but in our first session, he said he wanted to end the marriage. This hit me like a tonne of bricks. I knew that we had argued a lot in the last year, but his reasons just didn't fit. Of course the detail that was missing was the A! By the way, the counsellor had told him that he didn't have to tell me about the affair - as "many affairs never see the light of day".

Anyway, if I'd been a more emotionally open person then he would never have felf that he needed to seek out intimacy elsewhere. I know that.

After he told me about the A, the next day I went over to her place to try to confront her. She wasn't there. I left my wedding ring (what was I thinking!!!) , with a message for her to call me back which she did. She refused to stop seeing him. She still hasn't returned my wedding ring a week later, even though she told my H she won't see him again.

I don't know if I'm a big enough person to get over this. I don't know if he wants to try to save the marriage, on Monday he said he did, but I think he is so messed up at the moment that he doesn't really know what he wants. It's miserable to see what is going on for him and I don't feel that I can do anything right at the moment.

So I'm confused. I thought I was at stage 3 on Monday night, but now I think I might even be back behind stage 1. I just can't see how he could cease contact with this woman when his feelings seemed so strong for her. Baseline is that I just don't trust him anymore.

Someone tell me it's going to be OK!!

OK... First of all, GET A NEW COUNSELOR!!!! How could anyone say that most A's don't come out??? You need to find a MC that works with you on FIXING your M!!!

Everything you feel in normal!!! "one step forward, Two steps back!", but if you and your H want to work on your M, it is possible that it can be better. A lot of BS or WS say they want a D, but that is usually emotion speaking. When I found out about my H's A (with my sister) the first thing I said to him was "I want a D!!!". Well here we are 10 months later, better than ever!!!

Be strong and take care of yourself!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Someone tell me it's going to be OK!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regardless of what happens, YOU will be okay. Close enough? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Claire, and welcome to MB. There's a ton of information here, and lots of helpful folks. I'm sure you'll get more replies, but it's slow here on the weekends. Also, if you've checked out General Questions II, here's much more traffic there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I read somewhere on this site that there are 3 stages that the BS goes through. Stage 1 - I won, Stage 2 - What did I win? etc... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think we hit any of those phases until recvery starts. If the affair doesn't end on D-day, then you can't really say you've "won". Most folks here will agree that you do go through the 5 stages of grief, so reading up on them may be helpful to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> By the way, the counsellor had told him that he didn't have to tell me about the affair - as "many affairs never see the light of day".
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suggest you find a new counselor, preferably one familiar with MB principles. I hate to hear that there are counselors that actually say this. Please check out the radical honesty section of basic concepts here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, if I'd been a more emotionally open person then he would never have felf that he needed to seek out intimacy elsewhere. I know that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That may very welll be true, but it was totally his decision to try to resolve a marital problem by going outside the marriage. You may have contributed to whatever problems there were in the marriage, but you did not cause the affair--that was his decision.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know if I'm a big enough person to get over this. I don't know if he wants to try to save the marriage, on Monday he said he did, but I think he is so messed up at the moment that he doesn't really know what he wants. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think him already saying that he wants to try to save the marriage is a good sign. And you are strong enough to get past this, if it's what you truly want.

I'm sorry about the wedding ring--I guess you've learned about making hasty decisions and doing things out of anger. Just remember, if everything works out, the ring can be replaced. Maybe at a vow renewal ceremony? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just can't see how he could cease contact with this woman when his feelings seemed so strong for her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Seemed" being the key word here. Whe it all comes out in the open, the WS (wayward spouse) may realize that the affair was not all it seemed to be. The way I see it is, when they're playing the game and they wind up risking something they care very much about, the game's not so fun anymore. He may have enjoyed his "relationship" with the OW (other woman), but it's basically a fantasy. His reality is with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Baseline is that I just don't trust him anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess it's time for the 2 words we all love to hate--patience and time. Although you will probably never blindly trust your H the way you used to, it will get much better. It takes time and patience. And work.

Good luck!

I don't know what to do. I can't do anything to make things better. I'm scared that it really is over.

On Saturday, after not having any real contact with me since Monday, WS comes over to our place (moved out 8 weeks ago) and does the broken record technique on me for two hours saying that it feels wrong to be trying to save our marriage. He tells me that the MB site is rubbish and wrong - only for people who are too scared to end their marriages and find someone else. I can't believe he said this, since he has always(before now) said that marriage is for life. Total turn around in attitude since our last talk on Monday.

I tried my best to talk him round. I think it is his feelings for OW speaking. I asked him directly if he wanted to go back to her. He said it "would't be an option". So I asked him again if he WANTED to go back to her. He said he didn't know. He wouldn't say no.

He thinks that trying to rebuild our marriage is futile. I have practically begged him to come back, and he just doesn't want to. I am so devastated. But I have stopped crying about it. I am hitting my head against a brick wall trying to sort out our marrige. I can't do anything more, it is only me who still want to be married, he left the marriage behind a long time ago. I don't think he loves me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He tells me that the MB site is rubbish and wrong - only for people who are too scared to end their marriages and find someone else. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So everybody who works on problems in their marriage are only doing so out of fear? Well, d@mn! All this time I thought it was because I love my H and am committed to him and have finally figured out that being married sometimes takes a little work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you read about the fog? Cuz he's in it. He will most likely spew idiotic statements like the one above and untruths or half-truths about the marriage. It's typical. Most of `em do it. If it didn't hurt so much it would be funny. My favorite one from my H was (after telling me about the A)--"It's not an affair because you know about it." I actually DID laugh at that one when he said it. There are threads around here somewhere that are nothing but crazy things that WS's say.

Even though he thinks it's crap, plan A is the way to go. If you haven't already, read up on plan A and start implementing it. You might want to post a question in GQ2 about doing plan A when the WS is out of the home, or check out old threads about it (I know I've seen several). I don't have experience with that one so I can't really give advice about it.

You don't have to give up. No matter how bad things seem now, it CAN and usually DOES get better. He seems torn about what to do now. My H did that for a while too. Said he "fell out of love", he "didn't feel that way because of the A", "the problems started way before the A ever started--thing were bad for a long time" (oh really? nice time to let ME know!), didn't know if we could work out our problems. More totally typical WS statements.

Do some more reading, learn about plan A, and hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Luvbird. Will try GQII. I figured that it could be the fog. But it is confusing when I am saying things that I mean and he is saying things that are reactions to the situation.

He has told me that the affair was I didn't give enough companionship, and that he has wanted to leave for the last year anyway. As for giving me a chance now to work stuff out - well he says he was giving me chances all of last year, and I kept mucking up. The only thing is I didn't even know I was being tested!

We have got a new counsellor sorted out for an appt today. WH sees it as a chance to move on. I am still clinging to the hope that he will turn around. I did some research and found out our initial counsellor (recommended by WH's friend whose first marriage ended a la Exit Affair) was NOT a member of the professional association of counsellors AND was charging us nearly 3x the going rate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Who can you trust?!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has told me that the affair was I didn't give enough companionship, and that he has wanted to leave for the last year anyway. As for giving me a chance now to work stuff out - well he says he was giving me chances all of last year, and I kept mucking up. The only thing is I didn't even know I was being tested!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now why does that sound so familiar to me? Oh yeah--because my H said the same mess! And so have many, many other WS's. Try not to take the bad stuff to heart--he's suffering from temporary delusions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We have got a new counsellor sorted out for an appt today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good! I hope it's one that focuses on saving the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did some research and found out our initial counsellor (recommended by WH's friend whose first marriage ended a la Exit Affair) was NOT a member of the professional association of counsellors AND was charging us nearly 3x the going rate.
[?QUOTE]

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Whoa! Good that you did the checking up--and changing MC's!

[QUOTE] Who can you trust?!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nobody.

Went to the new counsellor today. Much, much better! and the first appt was free!

This is the first time we have discussed the A in counselling. At one point, WH was starting to point the finger at me for "Causing" the A. Counsellor stopped him and said, "let me check my notes, I see, yes, it was YOU who had the A, but it sounds like you are blaming your W for this ....." WH didn't like this at all. Continued to blame me - but it's the fog of course.

At the end, WH still insists that he is only coming to counselling to help me to move on. He thinks he is single. He didn't even say goodbye to me after I left.

I am Plan A-ing like mad, but also being very, very careful now. I think I just wanted everything sorted out ASAP and made a few boo-boos by being too freaked about how serious the situation is.

Now my next question is how to get him to go back to counselling for a 2nd session. Advice?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

That counselor sounds MUCH better!

Keep up the plan A--it DOES make a difference.

I don't know what to tell you about getting him to go to counseling. H and I never went--at first he was against it, then we didn't have the money. Hopefully someone with experience with that will chime in on this one.

WH phoned me a few hours after getting home from seeing the counsellor. I got an earful (much of it was quite amusing to tell the truth!) about how useless the counsellor was. (Yet WH is not willing to dob the guy in with the counselling association) Much of his hostility was due to the fact that he was presented with a few truths which he simply didn't want to hear.

And by the way, after an hour of telling me how crap the session was, WH admits to being in contact today with OW. His story (quite bizarre!) was that she was "nearly stabbed" by a knife-wielding insane person who she didn't know. So she had to call him to ask if she should inform the police. If it was me, I would have just called the police right away. Also the fact that WH didn't want to tell me who was welding the knife makes me think it was OW's partner. Very very strange things!

WH phoned me a few hours after getting home from seeing the counsellor. I got an earful (much of it was quite amusing to tell the truth!) about how useless the counsellor was. (Yet WH is not willing to dob the guy in with the counselling association) Much of his hostility was due to the fact that he was presented with a few truths which he simply didn't want to hear.

And by the way, after an hour of telling me how crap the session was, WH admits to being in contact today with OW. His story (quite bizarre!) was that she was "nearly stabbed" by a knife-wielding insane person who she didn't know. So she had to call him to ask if she should inform the police. If it was me, I would have just called the police right away. Also the fact that WH didn't want to tell me who was welding the knife makes me think it was OW's partner. Very very strange things!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Much of his hostility was due to the fact that he was presented with a few truths which he simply didn't want to hear. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly. Somebody is distorting his pretty little picture with the truth.

God save us from damsels-in-distress! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Poor little woman needs a big strong man to rescue her every five minutes. Something you might want to think about--is one of your H's higher emotional needs admiration? Or is his self esteem low? Maybe you could try doing things to make him feel admired, although that is no easy task when you probably don't have much respect, much less admiration for him right now.

I am shocked at how rash I was in the days following dday. I just wanted to sort this mess out as quickly as possible and get back to being a couple. It took us over 5 years of miscommunication to get into this mess ... there aren't any quick fixes.

I am riding a roller coaster every day. I choosing my words carefully so as not to alienate him. I am quite a fiesty person by nature, and that is one of the reasons things deteriorated. But standing back and considering my response gives me a sense of control that I never had before. It is WH who is being indignant and righteous strangely enough!

We went out to the movies last night - my invite. It was really awkward, and WH was avoiding all and any physical contact. It was heart wrenching! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But I've got 2 years to wait before a DV is possible, so I can afford to be patient. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He has admitted to being incontact with OW twice via cell, and has promised not to do this until our relationship issues are sorted out - one way or another.

One of the worst things about this mess is the roller coaster ride. I am used to being able to get on with things , but I have been a total wreck since DDay - poor concentration, no motivation, tearful, sad and angry. Then sometimes it lifts and I feel optimistic and hopeful. And then of course I remember that WH moved out 9 weeks ago, and we haven't lived in the same house for nearly 3 months. And all that time he has been saying the marriage is over. It honestly feels as if nothing short of a miracle will bring my H back to me.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I guess all I can do is keep turning myself into a better person.