H contacted his parents for the first time in four month just before Tday. He went to see them Sunday after. He saw son there. Told him to have me call him to let him know when S next doctor's apointment was he want to go. ALso he called D the Mon. after. I have written two letters to him both stating I would be glad to meet him somewwhere but he would have to call me to find out when. Among other things in the letter. H's mother called him last weekend said he really wanted to go to the doctors with us.<P>Now tonight he called from work and talked to D. She told him what time the appointment was. (I am a little upset with her for telling him what time it was. I think she could have responded with you need to talk to mom about that.) He tol her that he couln't meet me earlier had to collect for the paper. (H and OW have a paper route)<BR>But he would meet us at the doctor's at two.<P>Now my first thought is to write and tell him that if he can not call me and talk to me I will cancel the appointment. I have no talked to him in 4 months and the first time is in the doctor's office. It was going to be hard enough anywhere but we can't even carry on a conversation. I don't know what to do help??????????? <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

It sounds like he is uncomfortable contacting you, maybe you should let the appointment stand as it is. When he arrives there or just before it ends you could voice your desire to talk and suggest going out for a coffee or something afterward. I don't know if that is entirely what you had in mind but it could be a start.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Hi SDS -<P>Well, this is very unfortunate...would have been nice to develop in a different way.....but, I guess what's done is done!!<P>I wouldn't change the appointment..<BR>..that's making things into to big of a deal. Nicole's idea was good....can you hold it together enough to go out after?<P>I know it's not the scenario you have imagined....maybe it's not supposed to be..... Try to be flexible and see what vibes you get from him.<P>It might actually work to your advantage!! Think about it - you would most certainly have been very nervous - as would he.....maybe discussing S first will take the edge off.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Thanks Nicole and Sheba,<P>You are right my big problem is keeping myself together. Plus I don't know what to expect or to think. I am trying not to get my hopes up. I guess I wanted to talk to him to see if I could read something into how he sounded. <P>D said he talked like nothing has happened. He made a comment that he couldn't come there (D's house) but he would be at his parents on the 26th. He told it had to do with scheduling one car and he couldn't get a sub for his paper route. I wonder what he would have done if someone had offered to pick him up. He knows where I will be and for all I know he knows I will be at his parents I had planned to S there to see his cousin. <P>I have had two glasses of wine and nyquil for my cough and cold and I am still wide awake. I haven't felt like this since this summer after discovery.<P>I don't know how to handle anything any more. My world just seem to keep crashing down around me.

Oh, Di. I know this is so tough on you. I think everyone's hit on the right idea though. If you can hold it together, go ahead with the doctor's and maybe seeing him afterward.<P>Remember, he's been out of touch for a long time. Maybe the doctor's appt is his way of reaching out. Making contact has GOT to be uncomfortable for him too. And he's not as together as you are!!! <P>Hang in there, ok? <P>Lori

Yes, Diana, I agree with the rest. Keep the appointment. This could be his way of reaching out, breaking the ice. No doubt, he is VERY uncomfortable. He's probably afraid of calling you as he thinks you hate his guts. Understandably so! Don't forget, you have to be calm, relaxed, self assured, and don't forget to smile! Don't go there with the expectation of talking to him about ANYTHING. Remember, this is just a first step. Don't, as hard as it will be, try to interpret anything he says or does. If the opportunity arises, and I want to emphasize IF, then ask him if there is a time he could meet with you to talk. If there is no opportunity to do so, then let it ride. Hang in there, Diana. This is actually a good sign!!

Okay, I am calmer today. I did not cancel the appointment but I did call the doctor's office. The nurses there have been so supported of S during the kidney problems. (This appointment is with the kidney doctor I can't spell what he is called anyway he is the specialist) They know about the affair, because he delt with S emtional well being and his high blood pressure. They have given me lots of support. I wanted to warn them I didn't think it was fair to them to have him walk in. He is going to be there early. D told him 2:30 appt. is actually 2:45, he said he would be there around 2:00 as he knows mom like to get there early. I doubt that we have time to go anywhere after if he even wanted to because 1. We could have a long wait at the doc. 2. He has to be at work at 5:00 and they have one car (hers) and he will have to pick her up (they work the same shift).<P>He did tell his mom to tell me (why can't he tell me!!!!!) that he wanted to come even if it was later he would just tell them at work that he had an doc appt. <P>He also told D that he was looking for his disc with his resume on it. I swa it when I was packing but I don't know if I tossed it or packed it, either way it is gone. If it is packed I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for it.<P>I can tell you this I am scared. I don't know how I will respond seeing him. The scary thing is we will probably have more privacy in the doctors office then at a resturant. You are in the exam room about 20 to 30 min. waiting on the doctor. After they check Patric's vitals you are alone till the doctor comes in. <P>I will have to plan all my small talk. And after all of this I have to drive home almost a two hour drive. I will be a basket case.<P>I don't why but it seems alot is riding on this. I guess it is because I remember what he said after he left. I had him on the phone and told him I loved him his comment was why did you tell me before. I always told him I loved him. but that day I was so hurt when he left to break it off with her he even asked me to go with him and I said no. If I had only told him before he left that I loved him things might have been different. I don't think aboutt that very often, just really now that I have a second chance and I am afraid I won't say what I am suppose to or will say the wrong thing. ANd when I feel this way I don't say anything.!!<P>I am not going to make it through this weekend let alone work Mon. and the drive Tues. They maybe carting me away those nice men in the white coats. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Diana,<P>Now hear this. You WILL NOT be a basket case, and you WILL do just fine. You WILL say all the right things. Just remember that HE will probably be more nervous than you. HE's the one who screwed up, not you. This is just a FIRST step. Don't blow it out of proportion. If things don't go the way you expect, it won't be the end.<P>And, quit beating yourself up! This DID NOT happen because of anything you said or didn't say.<P>You have all weekend to prepare. Practice some relaxation exercises.

I remember you making some comments like this. I don't really blame my self because I think I knew form the begining he was going to have to leave me for there to be any chance that he could get over this. Does that make sense? At least your H just showed up you didn't have the nerve wracking experience to have to think about the meeting forever. My stomach will be in knots and I will probably lose another two pounds before Tuesday. I wrote student wife today an I think I need totake my own advice. But I never have been long on patience or following my own advice You know those first steps can be a dosey. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS -<P>RELAX......my friend!!! What are you getting your knickers all bunched about?<P>For goodness sakes, you've known this man for a very long time!!! Why are you putting so much pressure on this.....<P>Seeing him at the Dr.'s is not going to make or break the situation!!! As long as you don't smack him around - all will be fine!!! You aren't going to hit him, right???? So CALM YOURSELF!!!!<P>Di....you really are getting too worked up. You won't make it if you continue this!!! <P>All you have to do is keep an open mind and a smile on......that's all!!!! LIFE does not have to be scrutinized and resolved with this one contact!!!<P>What is it that you feel you are supposed to accomplish at this visit?<P>The only thing that would be needed is that when he leaves he knows that the door is open to see and talk with you - just be nice!!!! <P>C'mon - talk this out of your system, so you can relax ..........<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Di, Honey, you've got to CALM DOWN.<P>Isn't it the weirdest thing that the person we USED to be more comfortable with than anyone in the world can drive us to just short of NUTS now!<P>It'll be ok. He told his mom 'cause he can't talk to you yet. If you think YOU'RE nervous, think how he must be feeling.<P>Tuesday's a long way away and we're gonna have to take you to the doctor if you don't calm down.<P>What do you have to do to distract yourself?<P>Hey, e-mail me if you need to. I'm always around.<P>We're right here with you, ok?<P>Lori

I am trying to calm down. You guys are getting the brunt of my feelings as I have no one else to tell them to. D is going through a bad time now (read post And on top of this). I guess everything I have been feeling is coming out at once and to be honest I didn't think he would even get this far,telling d that he would be there at 2 o'clock. I guess I had figured he wouldn't follow through and the shcok that he has gone this far has been too much for me. <P>By the way that is his birthday number 50. I thought about a giving him a card there, have one from grandson to give him, but I also thought about a small gift. What I had in mind if I could find it was a small box of assorted flavored coffees. Unless he has changed a lot he really like to try different flavors of coffee. There use to be a coffee shop in the mall where we alway buy coffee and we had been going to a sidewalk cafe to try their different coffees. Think this might be too mush of a push.?<P>I knew you guy would help me get control of my self. But I was angry last night. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Diana,<P>Go ahead and vent here. That's what we're for! I can certainly understand your nervousness. Hopefully, once Tuesday rolls around, you'll have gotten it all out of your system. And, you'll be as cool as a cucumber!!<P>I think the small gift for his birthday is a great idea! Did I understand you right, his birthday is next Tuesday?? That's funny because, when my H's birthday rolled around last October, he showed up at my door unexpectedly. (I had already given him his gift.) We were separated at the time, & it really surprised me. He wanted to spend his birthday with me. Perhaps, it's the same with your H. If so, I think that's a good sign.<P>

Diana,<P>I am here in Louisiana. Can't be on line very long. I could not get the local access number to work so I am on long distance on my Dad's line.<P>First thing, YES, go to the appointment. Your H told you he left because he wanted more independence and some sense of standing on his on. Try your best Diana, to not make him feel you are CONTROLLING things. Don't intefere with the appointment in an attempt to manipulate things. He will think it is more of the same and won't notice how much you have changed.<P>Secondly, listen to Sheba. You ARE expecting way too much here. Remember, thisis the first interaction between you two in 4 - 5 months. It needs to feel as RELAXED and EASY as humanly possible!!!!!! You are scared and he is probably petrified, especially after the way he left you.<P>Have a goal of making a good impression on him. Have a goal of planting a tiny seed on Tuesday. Do NOT talk about your relationship or your problems or his affair, unless he brings thihngs up. This meeting is NOT to sort things out - it is an initial meeting. Think of it as a way to get re-acquainted, not problem-solve.<P>If you come across in any way too strong, I think your H will run again.<P>Your H wants to see you...he has already seen Patrick, and will see him again at Christmas. If he just wanted medical information as a concerned parent, he could call the Dr's office and get the info. So, the only reason left to go to the appt. is to see YOU. <P>Let him see the POSITIVE changes. Let him see your new size 8 figure!!! Let him see that you are relaxed and easy because you just want to enjoy his company. Let him see the love shining in your eyes. Keep the other stuff hidden away for another time and place. Unless he brings up anything, don't initiate it.<P>Do invite him for coffee after the appt. as a birthday gift...or even a late lunch or early dinner. Be HIS FRIEND!!!!! Remember Plan Medic - it seems to be the best way to get reacquainted!!!!<P>Now, spend the weekend planning things to talk about that are interesting and neutral to kinda catch up on each other, without getting too much info.<P>STAY POSITIVE. PLANT A SEED. BE A FRIEND!!!!!!<P>I'll try to check in tomorrow night to see if you are Ok. Our christmas party starts at 11 am and goes until the night....a lot of people attend: 60 -70, big family!<P>Luv Ya,<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I think you should give him a bag or basket of different coffee's for his birthday. 50 is a big one and it will probably mean a lot to him that you thought enough to get him something he loves so much (or used to). It's worth a shot and I don't think it is pushy.