I loved my wife more that I could ever explain and she said she loved me. I have no one to talk to so I was hoping I could get some support from this discussion group.

Now I have found out that she has been having an affair. What's worse is that I am a computer guy and I hacked into her emails. So I know almost everything. I have not told her that I have all this information but I did confront her with the fact that I knew. She assumed that I got it from her email, but I did not confirm.

I even have the text of an online sex session that they had when I was sitting right there in the same room with her. I had told her that I wanted to make love, but she said she was too tired. I found out later that she was having online sex with the other man while I was right there in the room. She didn't want to make love with me, but she wanted to tell the other guy online what she would like to do to him and what he could do to her.

I also have copies of their other emails to each other where she tells him that he is the best lover she has ever had.

Yet she denies that they ever had sex. She said it was just a fantasy online relationship. But since I have all her emails, I know she is lying. I know exactly when the planned their meetings when I was out of town and I read their emails describing how wonderfull their sex was in vivid detail.

But get this. She says she still loves me and wants to work it out and that she has ended the other relationship. But I saw an email the same day where she told her friend that she hadn't ended it and had just slowed it down. Also I found another email to another friend, the same day, where she was talking about a failed meeting with the other man. In this email she tells the friend that the other man was the best [censored] that she had ever had. This was days after she had told me she had ended it and wasn't going to see him anymore. I just can't get that one out of my mind.

She thinks she can get away with lying to me because she doesn't know that I know everything.

I want to forgive her and trust her, but how can I? And I just can't stop thinking of their detailed sexual exploits that they talk about in their emails with each other.

I want to believe that she won't see this guy anymore and that she really does still love me. She says she wants to stay married. I know she does not want to admit anything to me because it makes it easier for her to deal with. And maybe she really will end it with him before she sees him again.

But I just don't know how to stop thinking of her doing the things that they described in their emails to each other. I think she still wants to stay married, but she also wants to keep seeing this other guy. She thinks she can get away with it, but she doesn't know that I can read all her emails.

If she sees him again, I'll find out. Then I am afraid I will be forced to divorce her.

Help! What do I do? I love her and want to stay with her, but only if she can promise to be faithfull to me and I can believe her.

I was on the same boat as you ,i was 7 months pregnant when i found out that he was cheating on me , same like you i did the hacking stuff and that's how i found out .
i dont know if you agree with me but what i did is confront him straight out , with copy on the emails on my hand , i couldn't live like that , knowing that he was cheating and lying to me . i know it hurts , hurts like hell , but with time it will diminished , she needs to know how important are in her life ,best thing to do in this situation is talk it over , i know the images of them togheter is gonna be in you for awhile , i still do , but i just close my eyes and pray to the above to help ,
YOU ARE NOT ALONE ,remember there is always someone that has it worse than you . be strong and dont give up ! .. =)

DH: Click on the link on my signature line.

I am sorry for your terrible pain. I would suggest immediately that you contact a therapist for yourself and a lawyer just to protect yourself in the future. She continues to lie to you and has computer sex while you are in the room with the OM? She continues to lie to you and then tells you she loves you? Why would you believe this statement when she continues to do these horrible things to you behind your back. I think what she is saying is that she loves the fact that she can maintain her lifestyle and have a husband at home waiting for her while she screws the OM when she wants to do so.
I think you need to understand why you would wish to stay in a marriage and love someone who continues to do these things to do? What would you say to someone who wrote this letter? Clearly at this point your wife has no respect for you and your marriage. How do you think she would react if the roles had been reversed? The old saying: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change comes into play here.

You both need marriage counseling but if she continues to lie to you and continues to put your health at risk for STD's by cheating on you then you need to look for a future without her. If you have children or planning to have children; are these the values you want them to be brought up with? Ask yourself why would you love someone who clearly enjoys making a fool of you. Only a person who enjoys humiliating their spouse would have online sex with another man while her husband was in the same room unsuspecting what was going on after turning him down for sex. Why do you feel the need to settle for this? I wish you luck.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

Today, it is 9 days since I confronted her with her affair. She still has not admitted to everything she has done and pretty much refuses to talk about it. I asked her again yesterday if she promised to never see him again and to never be unfaithfull. She got indignent and told me she had already told me and that I should stop asking her over and over.

Well, today I discovered an email that she wrote to him where she said, "Darling, I miss you terribly". Even since she wrote that email, she has told me that she loves me and wants to stay married.

I could tell something was wrong with her today. So I took a nice overview of "recovering a marriage" article that I found on the web and read it to her. She got mad and said she didn't feel like talking about it today.

She must just think that she can stay married and still have an affair and that I won't find out! Its unbelievable.

I think my current strategy is to stay with her and act like nothing is wrong for a little while. In the meantime, I will contact a lawyer to get things prepared and protect myself if I decide to file for divorce. Since I can still see some of her emails, I will try to thwart any potential meeting between them. That might be fun just to mess them up. And since she still does want to have sex with me, at least I can enjoy that I've got her now and not him.

I hope she still has a change of heart and will break it off with him. But if I find out she has seen him again after promising me that she wouldn't, our marriage will be over. I will just wait till I have everything in order with all the evidence and then file for divorce based on adultery. I think that is the smart thing to do. I have to control my emotions.

This is all just killing me inside, but I can see that she may not be the person that I thought she was.

<small>[ April 12, 2003, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: Devastated Husband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong>DH: Click on the link on my signature line.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, I found that website and its very good. Now if my wife would really do what it says!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ERIKA:
<strong>I was on the same boat as you ,i was 7 months pregnant when i found out that he was cheating on me , same like you i did the hacking stuff and that's how i found out .
i dont know if you agree with me but what i did is confront him straight out , with copy on the emails on my hand , i couldn't live like that , knowing that he was cheating and lying to me . i know it hurts , hurts like hell , but with time it will diminished , she needs to know how important are in her life ,best thing to do in this situation is talk it over , i know the images of them togheter is gonna be in you for awhile , i still do , but i just close my eyes and pray to the above to help ,
YOU ARE NOT ALONE ,remember there is always someone that has it worse than you . be strong and dont give up ! .. =)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Erika,

Reading their emails is a terrible way to find out. I have all the details of their entire sexual relationship to replay over and over in my mind. Then every time she sends another one telling him how much she misses him, it just kills me.

But she is still trying to be nice to me in person. You are a woman. How can she be so two-faced. I don't think she has a conscience.

<small>[ April 12, 2003, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Devastated Husband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by johnh39:
DH: Click on the link on my signature line.
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Thanks, I found that website and its very good. Now if my wife would really do what it says!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Er, I don't think you get it. That link was for for both of you, after her affair ends. Until then, the Plan A and Plan B stuff, and the other reading suggestions, are for YOU. It does not sound to me like YOU are willing to do what it says. If not, why should she?

<small>[ April 12, 2003, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by johnh39:
DH: Click on the link on my signature line.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks, I found that website and its very good. Now if my wife would really do what it says!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Er, I don't think you get it. That link was for for both of you, after her affair ends. Until then, the Plan A and Plan B stuff, and the other reading suggestions, are for YOU. It does not sound to me like YOU are willing to do what it says. If not, why should she?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess what I meant was, "If she would just end the affair!"
I didn't realize the Plan A and Plan B were just for me. They are for me "before" she ends the affair?

Yes. Read the link.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong>Yes. Read the link.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I have read the link.
She has basically agreed to plan A. She has told me that she has ended the affair and that she loves me and wants to stay married.

But she is lying about ending the affair! She has not ended it. What now?

Do I just go on with Plan A as if she really had ended the affair, or do I confront her with the fact the I know she has not ended it?

I see you have not understood what you read. Plan A is not something to which the other spouse agrees. It is something you do or do not do.

I am not sure about the confrontation issues - whether to confront or not during Plan A has been much debated here. I would suggest you get the help of a counselor who understands and agrees with that approach. My inclination is to suggest you not confront at this point, if your knowledge of the continuation of the affair is from snooping. You need to make your time together fun, like when you were dating. Confrontations are not fun, even if done without anger. Just understand that your wife is still in withdrawal, so you are not in recovery - even though she is talking like you are. But, I am not a professional.

If she will agree to it, since she SAYS the affair is over, read SAA and Torn Asunder together, one chapter per day. There is plenty in there that will encourage her to make her actions fit her words. Take the ENQ - but understand that her answers may be skewed because of what she is getting from someone else. See if you can figure out what emotional needs she is getting filled by the OM. If she lists them low on the ENQ, don't believe her - they are important.

<small>[ April 12, 2003, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

DH,

I read your post last night. I am sorry that you are in such pain. Keep in mind that you are not alone. More importantly, there are many resources available to you and your wife that will help to navigate the mine-field of infidelity.

Please get professional help. Find a therapist now.

Read Harley's "Surviving an Affair". This will help give you some perspective and insight into the reality of an affair. There are many good books out there.

I too read all of my wife's e-mails. The words and images were very disturbing but in retrospect I am glad that information was available to me. It filled in many blanks. It helped me put together a plan for saving my marriage.

Your words indicate that you want to repair your marriage. As Plan A suggests, being respectful, minimizing outbursts, and setting reasonable and enforcable boundaries for yourself is a way for you to invite your wife back into your marriage. Try not to make it hard for her. Odds are you will not regret following the principles of Plan A.

Two simple boundaries that I set to begin my journey towards healing were promises to myself. Promise #1 – we will not have sexual relations until all contact with the OM is stopped. Promise #2 - we will not have sexual relations until the presence or absence of STD’s is known. These were both something that I could enforce. THese were two small steps that really got things going for us.

DH, be smart, be diligent, most of all be patient. You can do this. You cannot control what your wife is going to do but you do have in influence on the atmosphere for healing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jimtex1:
<strong>Your words indicate that you want to repair your marriage. As Plan A suggests, being respectful, minimizing outbursts, and setting reasonable and enforcable boundaries for yourself is a way for you to invite your wife back into your marriage. Try not to make it hard for her. Odds are you will not regret following the principles of Plan A.

Two simple boundaries that I set to begin my journey towards healing were promises to myself. Promise #1 – we will not have sexual relations until all contact with the OM is stopped. Promise #2 - we will not have sexual relations until the presence or absence of STD’s is known. These were both something that I could enforce. THese were two small steps that really got things going for us.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem that I have is that she has told me that she has ended the affair, hence Plan A. But I know from my snooping that she has not ended the affair!

So am I in Plan A or B? Do I withold sexual relations with her because I know that she has not ended the affair or do I continue to try to have a normal sexual relationship since she told me it is over.

You see, she gets incensed anytime I ask her anything with any implication that she is lying to me. By the way, she has never admitted to sexual intercourse, although I know for a fact that is not true. She claims is was just an online fantasy relationship.

So if I ask her about STD's she will get mad because it implies that I don't believe that she never had sex with him. Anytime I ask any questions about what she is up to, she says she can't live under a magnifying glass. I guess not! If she was under a magnifiying glass, she could't get away with continuing the affair! :-)

Thanks for all the help. It helps just to talk about it.

It seems she is playing mind games with you about the lying. The problem is that STD's are very very serious. If you know for a fact that she has been having sex with another person then stop the bull**** and demand testing otherwise look for an attorney. Are you going to wait and play Russian roulette to see if you come down with sort of transmitted disease. You need to be proactive and take a stand. Hello... Your health is at risk.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Devastated Husband:
<strong>[QUOTE]But she is still trying to be nice to me in person. You are a woman. How can she be so two-faced. I don't think she has a conscience.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is a tremendous ability to compartmentalize. Throughout his cheating and lying, my FWH was kind, thoughtful, affectionate. Told me he loved me several times a day, called me, sent me cards and flowers, told me how happy he was. All the time, he was involved with these other women. I honestly can't fathom it.

By the same token, I was never able to withhold information when I found out. I printed the proof, sat down and gave him the chance to come clean (he never did - always tried to lie around it), and then presented the written evidence. He would finally admit it, although it would take weeks to get the whole story.

So, I know that if I were in your place, I would confront her with the printed evidence, tell her we needed to be completely up front, and that she needed to make her life an open book for me to move forward.

Please note - I am *not* a good Plan A'er!