Hello, I'm new here. Thank goodness I stumbled upon this site. I can tell I'm going to need it. My world just fell apart. Husband has been having an affair for almost a year! I had no clue. I NEVER EVER thought he could or would do something like this. I am still stunned, I thought he was such a good man. All the lies. Although I know this is not true; I really feel like he's been worse than any other cheating men in the history of cheating men. proably not true. But still, he really pulled one over on me.

This actually feels pretty good to just type and vent a little. So, here is my story...

We have been married for 11 years, he is 36, I'm 34, four children. We are very religious (LDS). I feel so embarrassed. Oh my gosh, I just can't deal with all this pain...

Anyway, husband is a government contractor. Since 9/11 he has been out of country more than he has been home. This has been very difficult to deal with in and of itself. The children and I have all suffered tremendously. I am a stay at home mom, and money has been tight. I just can't believe how much I have been giving, while he is off having fun, spending money on her, giving all his time, and having sex with another woman. I should say girl. I saw her once. I could never compete with that. I think she is about 10 years younger than him and single with a good job. Beautiful, tiny, cute, classy, sweet. UGH!

Well, they work together, and travel together for work. She has been with him more than I have over the past year. I broke into his e-mail on the computer. He has been saving everything they have written each other. EVERYTHING! I have had an up close and personal look into this affair. I would not wish this on anybody ever. It is the worst pain I have ever endured. All the sweet and kind things he has said to her. All the little jokes and silly things they have in common. So much intimacy. I will never get over this.

I have not confronted him yet. He is gone again. I can't even ask questions if I want to. I have to sit here in my misery all alone. And try to pretend like it is all ok for the children, the church, and family.

He has been lying soooooooo much. Weekends away with her. He told me he was doing something with a few friends. Christmas, he didn't do any of the shopping for any of our kids, but spent hours and probably hundreds of dollars on her. And the rest of us were having a pretty tight Christmas this past year. Due to financial reasons.

Late late nights at the office when he is home. Coming in at four in the morning!!! How could I have been so stupid?

This is a man I completely trusted. We said wedding vows and made promises. He is also very active in the church...what a hypocrit. I also found out he has been drinking again. Before we married he drank in college. Then it all ceased. Or so I thought...I read about how they share wine together. ugh. this makes me shake with anger. All the e-mails...why did I keep reading? He tells her how much he loves her. He has been sleeping with both of us. What if she has STD's?

Oh, this is all the thinking I can handle for now. Thank you so much for listening to my rambles. I'm in such a rage, this may have not made any sense at all.

lexy

Hi there,
Your story is so similar to mine, it's scary. I too just found out last week, through reading his emails... and I know every single detail of his affair. I thank God that he was out of the country and I had time to cry, and scream, and seriously think of how I would deal with him. This site has been my salvation, because it gave me the insight on how to deal with him when he came home. I can tell you that I know the pain you are in right now. I too have had the late nights, the "I have work to do" excuse... He doesn't travel as much, only once or twice a year. His affair had only been going on for 8 weeks. But it hurts just the same. We have since decided to work in our marriage and stick it out... Still, last night we went out for dinner and a movie, and all I could do was cry when the character in the movie sent roses to the girl; this was the last thing he did before he went on his business trip.... So I lost it completely emotionally... To me it feels like all the memories that we had from when we started dating were erased because of the fact that he had now memories with this woman. I hope that you will find the courage to keep your head high, this is not your fault by any means. I pray that you will find the strenght to get through this, and be able to deal with this situation. You will find help and support in this forum.. I have...Hang in there...

Lexy,
I have been right where you are and it is NO FUN! My suspicions were confirmed through emails as well. You are right, you should have never continued to read, it only cuts deeper & stores more pain in your mind. I wish I had never read all the romantic details. My advise is to do everything you can to save the marriage, counseling & a lot of prayer. Reality will do some damage to his extra marital relationship. Once he knows that you are aware & hurt, it will not be so much fun any longer. Men don't think in reality when they are in this situation. He won't want to lose you & the kids & the church & the belief others have in him. He will probably want you to keep it quiet & get some counseling & try to move beyond it. (We hope) The Lord can bring you through it & heal the pain if you both agree to work it out. He can heal you as well, with or without your husband.

I don't believe the Lord will force himself upon your husband, for He is A Gentleman. In my case, he did not want to follow the Lord & it ended in divorce. I tried it all & he was just not interested. The hardest part was seeing them together, until she wasn't enough either & he moved on to someone else.
The best part of the whole deal in my situation is we were able to remain friendly for the children's sake & now 3 years later we see each other at ball games & carnivals, events for the kids & we are ok. I would have held out longer if I could do it all over again, I think it was just a time of him leaving his senses & he would have eventually returned, but I filed for divorce & went through with it. Make sure it is truly what you want, don't make empty divorce threats.

You have a long road ahead of you, thank the Lord you know the Savior, He is the One who kept my strength up & kept me out of the grave. I will be praying for you!

LilMiss

Thank you so much for the responses. You are so right when you say, I have a long road ahead of me. A lot to think about. I want to save the marriage, I love my husband. but, when I really think about it all...why? Why do people want to save a marriage that has been torn apart and violated. It is like the other woman has been in our bed with us. She knows intimate things. Why wouldn't he want to just be with her then? What if he really does want to leave the children and I? What if he just stays because of the big house, and money?

I could go on and on. I will pray, and I know the answers will come to me. but, really...why would someone want to stay with a husband who is in love with someone else? Who is capable of so many lies?

Thank you all again.

Lexy, first of all, let me say that I'm sorry that you have to be on this site at all. Please know that you are amongst friends. This site has been a godsend for me as I go through the pain and anguish that you are going through as well. I would strongly encourage you to explore the site and please try not to make any decisions while you are in such a highly emotional state. I found out just the way you did--by email. This is the worst kind of pain any spouse could go through.

Please keep praying and put all your trust in the Lord.

Lexie, I know the pain and suffering you're going through as I've been going through it for nearly a year. Our 36 year marriage nearly ended up in divorce court.

Hang in there, it does get better and you don't think about it so much. It took me over 8 months to get him to finally admit to the relationship being a full blown affair. So much lying that I didn't think I would ever get over it. In some ways, the lying was the biggest betrayal----from a man I completely trusted.

I'm curious as to how so many of you found out about the afair through e-mails. I've thought for a good long while that the A is over and that he isn't contacting her in any way, but over the past month, he has been on the computer before going to work in the morning. He's never done that before and it makes me wonder why he's going into e-mail each and every morning. By the time I get a chance to get on, some mail has been deleted and the trash emptied. As far as I know, we only have one mail account so how do you track things if the trash is emptied?

Lexie, think long and hard before you do anything rash. It takes lots of talking, counseling, and sometimes hearing things you don't want to hear. HANG IN THERE! If you love this man, do everything to work it out.

Paulette

Print out and save the email somewhere. You may need to use them when you confront him - or with a lawyer. There is hope, but your situation is complicated by the fact that you spend little time with him, and she spends a lot of time with him. You may need to get one of both of them fired in order to preserve your marriage, so there are some hard choices ahead, but don't worry about that right now. You need a plan, but before you make one, you need to learn some things. Click on the link in my signature line to get started.

One more thing - the link below only mentions "The State of Affairs", by Mullliken, in passing, but I think you should add it to your reading list, because your H is having the classic "Double Life Man" affair discussed in one of its chapters.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lwh:
<strong>I broke into his e-mail on the computer. He has been saving everything they have written each other. EVERYTHING! I have had an up close and personal look into this affair. I would not wish this on anybody ever. It is the worst pain I have ever endured. All the sweet and kind things he has said to her. All the little jokes and silly things they have in common. So much intimacy. I will never get over this.
lexy</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reading the emails is the worst. I know every detail of their sexual relations. I can't stop thinking about. It like I was there watching. I wish she had just said she was having an affair and that's all I knew.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by paulette:
<strong> He's never done that before and it makes me wonder why he's going into e-mail each and every morning. By the time I get a chance to get on, some mail has been deleted and the trash emptied. As far as I know, we only have one mail account so how do you track things if the trash is emptied?
Paulette</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Paulette....
I got a hold of my husband's passwords using a program called Klogger. It logs everything typed on the computer. It could let you see if he has other email accts you dont know about. Go here if you want it. Klogger
If you ahve a virus program, you MUST set it to ignore the Klogger program or it will blare about a Trojan Virus (IT IS NOT A VIRUS)- its a way the virus program can warn a user they are being spied on. Usually you can find this in the Options, under Exclusions (for Norton Antivirus, anyway). Just type in klogger.exe as the program to be ignored. THIS PROGRAM IS FREE. It is easy to learn how to use and undetectable. Just tuck it in a folder you'll remember and one that your husband would never look in. I named one 'Junk" under my Received Files in my Documents folder.

This is the only way I found out about my husband's physical affair (one night stand type that he used for attention later on through a couple phone calls and emails. He also was 'friends' with another young lady, and signing up for online dating services).

Luckily, we are in recovery and I use this to moniter his usage at home.

Also, to see where your husband has been going, in Internet Explorer, go to TOOLS- INTERNET OPTIONS-Temporary Files- click on Settings.... then click on View Files. It opens a window and you can see what he has been doing.
edited to add: If you see .gif files and want to view them, you just double click on them. A box will ask if you really want to do that blah blah blah..just say Yes. I've never had a problem looking at the .gifs or other image files. I just found some harmless porn (I have no problems with porn and its not a common occurance in our house. truth be told, I look at it more than hubby does)

Just be careful and certain that you really want to know. I was simply looking to catch him signing up for those single sites and wanting to get his passwords...I found out about an affair that happened 16 months before and it totally blew me away.

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: mojodiva ]</small>

. There is hope, but your situation is complicated by the fact that you spend little time with him, and she spends a lot of time with him. You may need to get one of both of them fired in order to preserve your marriage, so there are some hard choices ahead, but don't worry about that right now.

LWH,
I agree with John that it is hard because they work together and you may have to get them fired to be apart. Don't do anything rash now!! I know your trying to keep up a good front for your family but I think you need someone to talk to like your pastor. I think your pastor would be good to talk to because if you start telling friends and family they will hold it against him. If I were you I would print out and copy the emails and put in a safe place.

Well I appreciate the response from all of you so much. There are so many things to think about I don't even know where to begin. I have printed all the e-mails. I still cannot find it in me to talk to anybody, although I know in time, I will spill the whole story to my sister.

It has been a difficult weekend, to say the very least, but I have spent almost too much time online reading and learning from websites suggested through this site. It has been a God send. I have learned so much. Since my H is gone at this time, I have plenty of time to think and plan. It has taken everything in my power to withhold e-mailing him. It is our only communication at this time. But, I want to wait until he returns home. I need to confront him in person...please help for the next few weeks until he retunrs home...I need all the stength I can gather. I just don't want the girls (our children) to endure any of this. He is such a good father (although he has not been around much lately) and they deserve a wonderful man to respect as a father. I will never take that from them.

But I do feel confused, and so jealous. I want to give it all up. This is just so hard. Maybe she is better than me, and he would rather be with her. And again, why should I want him back after he had fallen in love with another? Everything special is ruined.

Sorry, tough weekend all alone. Any advice is very needed and...well...this site really is a God send. thank you all.

Lexy

I know exactly how you feel. My husband was having an affair for a year before he told me about it. I too made the mistake of reading his/her e-mails. It was so painful I can't describe it. Please be sure that you want to know every detail that you are reading if you continue to check his e-mail account. I wish now that I hadn't read any of his e-mails, because I keep reliving them in my mind. I actually found a website that breaks into e-mail accounts, and gives you the password, for a fee of course. I know of someone that has used this site, so I know it's on the up and up, but I haven't been brave enough to do it myself. I don't think I want to add more heartache to myself. When I originally got into his account it was luck on the password, and watching him type it in. I wish you luck. This site has helped me tremendously in dealing with issues.