For those unfamiliar with my story , my wife and I (married 15 years) separated 8.5 months ago> My wife was having an affair with a man she has known for quite a while and who just endured his second divorce. My wife has some very serious issues, among them, alcocholism.This is also her third affair. (One with a woman).
She is not a bad person but has made some bad choices.
On a previous thread, I had indicated that she callledme three weeks ago, indicating she wanted to come home. She also informed me she was getting counseling for her "issues". I just got off the phone with her. She will be home tomorrow. I love her, BUT I have felt very ambivalent about her return and our relationship. I know that she wants to get treatment and help.
I ma very scared about all of this. I know we need counseling and time, but my feelings towards her have really changed. I feel very "empty" about her.
We also have two sons. They need her, but she needs to be a whole person again in oreder to be a good mother and partner.
I will let yoou know how our recovery goes. I have a lot of mixed feelings. And, I know I could walk from this marriage if I was ever treated like this again.
So, I guess the really hard part and the real test of strength begins. I will let you know how it all turns out.
Wish us all well. We need it!

Gregg M.

I have a boss once with that first name + last initial and has 2 son ... he retired early and moved out from CA. I don't know if it is you but judging from your post you are a good man too. As you know by now, when you talk to alcoholic you are talking to the chemical and the same way when you talk to WS you are talking to the A. If she is willing she could rebuild, reignite your love but she have to follow MB very closely. I would get conseling directly from SH or Jennifer and get involve with her recovery from alcoholism. You have to incorporate MC/IC as part of the condition. You have to be honest and tell her "what ammends she has to make". It is not to punish her but it is for you to get back your feeling for her (recovery). If you feel that she has to stop drinking first before she could stay home and get treatment do it, send her to a recovery treatment house. I could not stress how important it is to be honest with yourself.

-rh-

GreggM DON'T forget that unless you set some very well defined boundaries as pre-conditions for her return (such as she being totally accountable for all her actions and whereabouts and proof of actual counseling), it will more than likely be another false recovery in which after she feels a little better about herself, she'll go back to her selfish and self-destructive ways. I do hope I am wrong and that this is the real deal, but please do keep in mind what I said.

Dear Gregg, haven't been around so much over the last few months, but I know you posted to me a couple of times a long time ago.

I'm glad to hear your wife is coming back but hear your fear about how tough it will be, and it will, surviving an affair is one thing but rebuiding from one is quite something else. I envy you and feel scared for you at the same time. All I can say is face the fear, I've done that so many times in the past year and the outcome has always been more than worth it. Remember, fear is just a feeling and can't hurt you, just let it pass, it will.

I guess being ambivalent, well, at least you are aware of your ambivalence and can do something about it, or at least take it into consideration.

Good luck Gregg, I think Redhat is right (as usual) you need to get counselling and Harley's is worth the money - believe me I called them from down here and it cost me twice what you guys pay, so don't argue with me, OK?

Good luck matey.
SH

For TMCM,Redhat,Seahorse, JustaWifey,Ammon:
You know, I have ben overwhelmed by your care and concern and really solid advice.
I actually believe that my ambivalence is a good thing.I'll tell you why.
It allows me to see both sides of this fairly objectively. Or at least, it allows me to see differnt perspectives without too much emotion.
I am far more critical(in the analytic sense)now, then I have ever been.
My wife, Janice, now knows she needs and wants help. In all liklihood, I will take her directly to treatment. (I have it all set up).
Regardless of the outcome, she will always be my best friend. I will not let her down now that she really wants to try and get help and work on our marriage. It is key that we do it in that ordrer. Get help (for her addiction), work on the marriage.Of course, I will try to carry my end of the bargain as well.
I will have to allow her to understand that our relationship is earned and that she has some things to do. And, that I could walk if this ever happened again. I understand now why we impose boundries. This has been very relavant to other relationship aspects of my life as well.
So you all know, I want to tell you all something
that I stared to feel from all you have given me.
And this seems awkward, mainly because we have never met and I am a guy.(Ha, Ha) But, I realize that you can feel someones care and concern,though eyes have never exchanged contact.
I have felt your emotions and seen your souls for what you are to me. I do not yet know the outcome of my marriage but, I know one thing.
I know I am a better person for all of this.
And, I am forever grateful to all of you.
Most importantly,and this is the hard part, I want you all to know that I love you all!
Redhat: I wish I was your former supervisor. You must be a great employee. Because you certainly are a great human being. For that matter, you all are terrific human beings.
Seahorse, I am glad you posted on this thread. It was great to hear from you.
I hope everyone is well.
Whoops...TMCM: Thank you for your a#@ kicking in the beginning. It was just the shot I needed.
of course, I will keep you posted on the progress of all of this.
Best to all of you.