Long and short of it,

I had new friendship with a woman who shared a passionate interest with me. We were part a larger group. Group emails became individual emails, emails to chat, chat to phone and finally PA. It was mutual. We don't work together or live near each other.

Her husband found out last week through her email trash. This week a phone call to my house asking for my wife, she's not home, he id's himself as OW husband. I apologized for the pain and turmoil I brought to them. He ended with the directive to never see her again.

I sat with it all night. Next morning he calls again, a little less threatening but id's the sequence of events as told to him by wife. I apologized again. Ends with him him saying he knows where I live and if I so much as even said hello to his wife in passing, he would find me.

We are two people who ended up somewhere, doing something we shouldn't have. I feel horrible for doing this to him and her. I want so bad to take back time, but can't.

I have no idea what to do if he calls or threatens me again, do I go to the police, the court, do I refuse his calls?

And I need to tell my wife. She deserves so much better than this. Our marriage is far from perfect, but no excuse here.

Please help.

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: faithless kiss ]</small>

I suggest that you immediately inform your wife because the more angry the OW's husband becomes the greater the chances he will contact your wife.
You do not want your wife to learn this from him.
The longer you wait the worse off it will be. You also need to immediately contact a lawyer and tell him of his threats and get a restraining order. You need to protect yourself and your family. What do you think he will do if for some reason he thinks you had sex with her? You have things to do and you must do them now. I wish you luck.

Tell your wife, then click on the link in my signature line, and read everything together.

Tell your wife. Everyday you hide it is one more day you are deceiving her. Don't think that she will never find out, she will. The guilt and worry of OW's saying something will kill you. Man up and face the music. I shoulda took my own advice. Hindsight is a female dog and the truth seen too late.

BTW I am a BS/WS

ITA with what everyone else says here. Do not let your W find out from any other source than you. I know from firsthand experience how it feels to find this devastating news out from someone else--particularly if it is in a malicious and very public manner. Your W deserves much better than that!

I also think you should get your phone nos. changed. It's possible that OW's H is venting his anger and that will be the end of it, but why take the chance? Also, keep a record and documentation of all threatening phone calls, emails, unannounced visits, etc. for the authorities. And, yes, you have a right to refuse his calls. I recently went through the nightmare of having OW's show up at my condo building (supposedly secure!) and slip pictures and other things under my door because I refused to give them the audience they wanted. If that wasn't bad enough, I got harassing emails at home and at work! You have a right to quiet enjoyment and to live in peace.

There is a lot of great advice on this site, and I would recommend Dr. Harley's books, as well as counseling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.