I just discovered my spouse of 11 years has been have an affair with an old friend of his from 12 years ago. This other person just recently came into our lives in January when we met up with her and her husband. They had been to our house on two occasions and I just never clicked with them - as I found her quite brazen and just did not like her. Her husband never said much, he was quite the both times we have met - she was always the person who was loud and brazen. She is married and has 3 children. My husband and I have two very small boys. A little history, My husband lost his father and step mother tragically last year and we just moved to a new state to be closer to my and his family. He recently also found himself worried about his job with the airline indurstry and the posibility of being deployed with the war as he is also in the Naval Reserves. I believe the stress among our fighting over this friendship that I did not like has something to do with this as well. Over the last several months we had arguements over these two friends whom I did not like - anyhow, after much drama and arguing, a week before he was deployed he stated he filed for divorce and did not want to seek counseling or even try at the time this did not make much sense until I discovered his cell phone records and had him tailed by a P.I. - I discovered that this affair has been going on for about 2 months. I discovered he was meeting with her and having "an inappropriate relationship - nothing but touching, kissing as far as I have caught and what he continues to tell people", however, even after they were discovered they still continued to do so. My PI even contacted her husband to tell him and give him the video however, he said he was not interested? Baffled.....My husband was deployed 3 days after I found out and is still gone for the next 4 weeks. I am certain he is still in contact with this other women via email/phone as he has told me he is. He emails/calls our 5 yr old periodically but the content of the emails are very inappropriate for a 5 yr old, basically he states how much he loves my son and how he means the world to him,etc.....guilty feelings..???? anyway the only convesation my husband and I have had is before he left when I asked him why....he only stated that our marriage was already over in his mind and that she made him feel happy, he likes being with her, etc......No apologies, nothing else.....I love my husband and believe he is trying to escape the loss of his father, stepmother and plain old stress by being with this other woman. What I dont understand is how can something get so hot and heavy in under 2 months? and what do I do now?.......I certainly do not want a divorce.....and I believe he is so confused he does not know what he wants either (this info comes from friends who spoke to him 2 weeks prior to all this drama)....I have written him telling him my feelings about the divorce and for him but he does not even want to talk.......Any suggestions especially if I should initiate conversations with him when he calls for the kids, like how he is doing, etc....

Trustme12 I am very sorry you and your son find yourselves going thru this ordeal, but you are not alone. We've all gone thru the devastation of an A(affair) and it's consequences on our children.

Since you hired a P.I. and thus proved you have some money, I would highly recommend that you contact the Harley's for counseling. Also, get the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs'. In the meantime, read the Q&A and Concepts and fill out the EN(emotional needs) and LB(love busters) questionaires, on this website (go to the top of the page and click on the links). There is no guarantee that your marriage can be saved, but by becoming knowledgeable with the MB(marriage builders) principles and applying them, you have the best chance to save and rebuild your M(marriage).

This is a great place to get comfort and support, but we are not professionals and any advise we give you should be consulted with a marriage oriented counselor first.

Keep us posted.

I will give you similar advice to TMCM. Click on the link in my signature line for the details. Pay particular attention to the information on Plan A and Plan B.