I found out on this past friday that my husband has been having an affair for the past 3 weeks. right now I have left the house and packed everything that is important to me.
He wants to talk things over on monday.
I want to work this out, and he says he still loves me.
I want to make some demands/ultimatums, whatever, such as no more communication with this other person, no phone calls NOTHING! no more going out to bars where he might be tempted to do this again. How far should I push this? Should I concede on some things right now, but request them at a later time? What if I give him an ultimatum right now and it pushes him farther away from me?
I know no one knows the particulars of my situation, but maybe some advice on when to ask for these things, is it too soon right now? Only two days after finding this out? I just don't quite know how to handle this meeting with him tomorrow.
I am going to do A LOT of reading tonight, all the information on this web page.
It's driving me crazy these last two days not knowing where he is, is it wrong of me to ask him who he has been spending time with this weekend? Because I know he hasn't been at home. I keep driving by the house, and the truck is never there. He hasn't slept in the bed.
I just want answers from him!

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: harmonyj ]</small>

I am sorry you have found yourself here, but if there is a place to be after the discovery of an affair.. this is it.

Are you OK? sleeping alright, eating well? Are there children involved?

and obviously has the A ended?..... there can be no recovery at all till NC has been committed to and the two partners are willing to give it their all. recovery is a long and tormenting journey.. but it can be done.

For passing on an ultimatum, is probably not a good idea right now for you ( read up on plan A)... but perhaps if your * that kinda girl* like I was.. when you do talk to him you could try...... are you prepared to cut all contact with OW when we reconcile...if you arnt I will have to rethink and consider some other options. ( it takes the ultimatum out and gives you some wiggle space you may need if your husband is having difficulty ending contact and activley still involved in the A)

Never send off an ultimatum you cant or arnt prepared to serve the consquences for ... it sends some very mixed messages.... you threaten .. then dont act... I can do this all again!!

I do wish you well , hopefully others with a lot more wiser I am can answer some of your questions.

But please do continue to post away ask questions, vent and do know you are not alone. Read all you can on these pages, soak it up lilke a sponge. Most of all take care of you right now.

Take care Dino.

Well Dino.....am I sleeping ok? no, I'm lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep.

Am I eating? I know that I have to choke down something just for my body to survive, but I think my caloric intake is about 1/4 of what I used to eat. It all tastes like cardboard.

Kids involved? No, just three wonderful dogs, who my husband and I always considered our kids.

I don't know if the affair has ended. When I confronted him friday about it ( I found him over at her house, he stayed the night there thursday) he said he had gone over there last night to break it off, then stayed because he didn't have any place to go.

And, I have been gone, and haven't really talked to him about it all weekend.

So I guess the place to start is to find out if it is over, or if he is willing to end it.

Your advice about ultimatums is just what I needed to hear. Normally I would have been firing off "You do this, and you do that, or else" and I now I realize that I need to change that. I guess if nothing else good comes of this, at least I am realizing aspects of my character that I need to work on.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm new here, so I'm not as well versed or knowlegable as a lot of the other posters. I found out one week ago today that my wife had a three week affair. One week ago I was almost certain our marriage was doomed, and I figured I'd be packing my bags and moving out by today. A lot can change in a week. We have worked so hard together, and we've come so far in a short time. I said to my wife the other day that I'm so glad we didn't seperate. I don't think we would be anywhere close to where we are now if we had.

If you guys want to make it work, it's my opinion that you should think twice about seperation. You can't fix things if you aren't seeing each other. It will also make things easier for him to continue with the other woman, which is a natural temptation for him to have right now. In my opinion, he needs to end it with her now and never contact her again. You both need to live under the same roof, regardless of how painful it is. You need to read all the info on this site together, because this site is a god send and it may shed light on the root cause of your problems in a very short amount of time. I am the betrayed spouse, just like you. I am destroyed inside, just like you. But I realized that it was up to me to step up and be strong for our marriage. That's where you are at too. I'm not saying forgive him and forget it, because that will take a long time to happen, if ever. But, you need to extend the olive branch and tell him that you are going to come home and get to work on making things right again. If you love each other and want to be married, you might be surprised at how quickly you can make progress. I wish you the best of luck. Read this site thouroghly. It will answer so many questions that you have. If possible, sit and read it with your husband. That's my $.02

Harmony,

The kind of betrayal you have suffered is a deep deep wound, the trauma and pain is unbelievable. I would beg you to see your local health care professional.. you may need some short term treatment, just to help you settle down and get the rest you need... because honestly you have a lot of hard work ahead of you if you are willing to rebuild your marriage and trust me you will need the strengh.

And if your husband stayed there because he had nowhere else to go...he's still activley involved.As I read your out of your house.. he has a place to sleep.

read up on Plan A.. I did not do a plan A, so hopefully someone with more experience with a continuing affair will be able to help. A number of books.. Surviving the Affair, After the Affair.. there are many more.. read up and soak, understanding the situation you are in gives you a great advantage because Your WH is lost in a big puddle of mud right now...

Take care and think about the doc eh?

Dino.

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: dinotopia ]</small>

Stronger,

You are soo right, I need to be at home. If he says tomorrow that he wants to work it out and he will end the affair, then I guess we move onto talking about me going home.

Dino,

I do need some help I think, I'm just running on adrenaline, depression, anxiety, and despair.

Thank you both of you, pray for me that when I meet with my husband tomorrow it has a positive outcome.