Yesterday, after church, my wife offered to stay home with the kids so I could go to the gym and swing by the office to check up on a few things before the week started. The time at the gym was nice, gym was empty, had my pick of machines, treadmills and bikes. After running for 20 mins and then on the bike for 30 mins, I had a lot of time to think. Of course, I went back to think about my w’s PA.

A little background. The OM was a friend of ours, actually had him over to dinner in Feb. That evening after he left, my wife went to bed while I tinkered around the house. But before bed, she went on email and sent him an email saying we were glad he came. Well, he replied saying he enjoyed it, thanks etc. But in the email that my wife had written, she said “it was so hard to not be able to touch or hold you” or words very similar. Man, I was floored, but b/c I never thought my wife would even seek another relationship, I figured there was an explanation and decided not to wake her. After I went to bed, my wife gets up to check email, and sees that I had read the email. She wakes me up, to explain, we have marriage problems, that the fact she is beginning to be attracted to someone is not right, etc. She insisted then that nothing other than friendship was happening. I believed her. She promised me nothing would happen, and I again believed her. Flash-forward to April 5, when she admits to a one time sexual encounter a couple weeks prior (read my previous post for the details).

Now yesterday, at the gym, I could help but think that my wife was trying to ease the blow by telling me it was a one-time thing, rather than hurt me more. I just could not swallow the fact that this only occurred once, hard to believe, isn’t it? Because over the last couple of years we had avoided confrontation, I was afraid she was doing it again. Finally, when I got home, I asked to speak to her in private. I have asked a lot of “details” questions about the actual sexual encounter, and I could tell it really upset her and hurt her to discuss it. I wasn’t trying to rub it in, but felt I had to know. We decided a few days earlier, that those details were not important. I could not get the thought out of my head that she had numerous encounters w/OM. In private, I told her that I was not trying to rub it in, or just bringing it up to make her relive it, but I had to know if it was only 1 time. She was adamant, I asked her several times. I apologized b/c I know she feels awful, but these questions are there. I could tell after I asked that she was sad, and was withdrawn from me for a few hours.

Did I screw up by asking? I have other questions about the actual event that I need to ask, but am trying to move forward. Maybe it is just me, but I need to know how I “measure up”, was it “good”, all those painful questions. Maybe it is the stupid make psyche, but I will not be able to move on until I ask those type questions and feel confident that she answers them honestly. I feel I have a right to know, but is there a chance I am just going to push my wife away?

Hello:

This is just my take on this situation but you need to realize that the chances are great that you will never know the truth. My guess is that in all probability there were probably more than just one sexual encounter. Asking your wife if he was as good or as big as you or whatever is a waste of time. Why in the world do you honestly believe she would tell you the truth? She got caught in a sexual affair. The fantasy is over and reality sets in. She will justify her lies by saying you were better in every way because she does not want to hurt you and stay in the marriage.
Be honest with yourself and ask how you would answer if the roles were reversed. If your wife asked you was she a better kisser, lover etc than her what would you say? You know you would tell her what she wanted to hear which I suspect is what your wife is probably telling you. The cheating spouse will always put the best spin on things by saying it was just a one time thing and they could never compare to you. It is natural that they will tell you what you want to hear and say things that put themselves in the best possible light. If she wishes to remain in the marriage she will not tell you things that will crush your ego. This is just my take and I wish you luck.

Thanks for the reply. I actually believe her, she is adamant, I usually can tell when she is tyring to fool me, and I just don't get that here. Maybe I am a fool, and I think I understand my wife pretty well, but she is so ashamed and disappointed in herself, I do not believe she could have done this more than once. After all, when I pressed her if something was wrong, she didn't try to give some BS excuse, she gave the info pretty readily.

HurtinItaly -

You need to sit down and ask yourself a question and answer it Honestly - before you can ask your W.

1) What will it gain you to know if OM is "better" than you? How will it make YOU better to know that information???

As the FWW - I have answered all my H's questions Honestly - not 'sugar coating' anything. You need to seek counseling with your W. IC and/or MC. Talk to YOUR counselor first - ask him/her about wanting to know all the intricate details of the PA. My guess, you DON'T want to know all of them. It won't get you anywhere, except more hurt!

I do however understand wanting to know all the details - there was a point when my H wanted to know all the details (maybe he still does, but he doesn't ask me anymore) - but after talking to him and our therapists we decided that the "explicit details" would only lead him to more hurt and anger. He still asks (and most likely will for a while) about the why's and how's of the A... I answer them honestly. It is really difficuly to answer them - but I know in order for him to make peace with it, he will need to know answers to some of his questions...

There are a lot of people here who can give you good advice - but something that I learned... everyone here is going through their own turmoil right now, so the advice you get - can depend on how their day is going.

I hope this helps in some way...

Take Care,