His mother still has a hard time buying that he treated me like that. Back in that day he was angry with me and the relationship was visibly cool. She noticed it, and I told her that I did something that made him mad, and I promised him I would never tell her or talk about it again, I had forgaviven him as long as it NEVER happened again. All these years she has thought that I had an affair. The topic was approached recently and she talked about what she thought I did all those years before and I was shocked. I finally told her it was that I had him arrested for beating me.

DiamondZZZZ, I have an appointment with my regular doctor in 2 weeks. I am going to tell him about this and ask to be checked for STD's. There is very little physical contact in our marriage anymore, but always after the rare occasion when there is, I have an itchy rash for a while. Maybe he can help me find local resources which can help me. The agency my husband works for will never believe me. He is good at seeming to be the innocent, perfect one. They'll believe him when he tells them that I am crazy and imagining things. He's a licensed professional after all. I can't go see any of their counselors. I have to find a way to get money to see a counselor somewhere though. He will not go with me, and he will not give me money to do anything except what he wants me to do. He asks and I have to give account for it. I don't even know how much money he makes, how much he has saved, if any, where it is saved, or if we are in any debt. He hides all that from me. He never did before a few years ago. I have my own bank account now. Even when I was working, he took my paycheck in it's entirety and regulated how I spent every penny. My check is how he got the money to do the things he wanted to do without me while I skipped lunches at work because I had no money to eat on. If I look on the bright side, He can't do as much anymore since I don't work because of my physical disability, because we lack my income. Too bad. He has to stay home with me and be bored.

DiamondZZZZ I can't do this! I woke up with an anxiety attack again this morning. I cannot handle this. Sometimes I wish I was dead, My life is a whole situation which is too crazy to sort out, and there is no hope.

You must understand. I grew up with an alcoholic dad. He was never there, and when he was he was drunk. Mom was quiet and submissive and just took everything, never saying a word. We kids were just wild. I was the kid at school that everybody teased. My clothes were old, my hair unkempt. Daily I took ridicule for being the umbest and ugliest kid in class. (I was not dumb I had a near 4. average in college) My mother comitted suicide when I was 17, just before my eldest daughter was born out of wedlock. When my baby came, I wanted her to have a better life than mine. I knew og Jesus through my grandmother, and began to go to church. I became a Christian then, which helped me cope with the loss of my mother, who was my only friend. Also the break-up of the rest of my family. It was as if all my brothers and sisters and my dad died the day mom died. To an extent, I died too.

Knowing Go was there helping me cope and care for my little baby got me through. I met my H at church. We were married 18 months later. He knew I had a baby so I wasn't a virgin. The first episode of abuse was about the fact that I wasn't a virgin and he demanded to know sordid details about who I had been with before he ever knew me and call me names and beat me for that. The day we married was the happiest day of my life. I thought that God had helped me escape my old life and made me a new person, and Prince Charming came riding up to sweep me away. But This began the worst period of my life.

We worked through that over a period of about 10 years and 2 more children. The physical abuse stopped. For a while we were companions and had fun together, we always did have fun, when we had fun. We did things we enjoyed together, though the things were usually tings he picked to do. My friend told me I allowed myself to quit being me and be him. I didn't have any of the old me left anymore. He critisized me for thinking anything he hadn't told me to think or doing anything he didn't like me to do. I began to feel this over the years. That is when I began to try to find me again. I didn't stop doing the things with him, but I began to try to fill a hole in me, with things that are part of me. He liked this at first, as long as he liked the things I liked. But later, when I insisted on doing things I like to do, which make me feel happy (like reading a book, cross-stitching, flower gardening, painting, cultivating a friendship with a woman I've known most of my life who is now my only friend) he became angry and thought that all I ever do is spend time doing what I like and I must not love him anymore because I didn't spend all my time doing what he wanted. He thinks my friend is simply the most evil person he has ever met and is bent on destroying our relationship. I guessed that I was talking to her about him sometimes, and didn't want her to know how he treated me. He says that he doesn't want me to be friends with her because she doesn't lik him. But she does like him. She just doesn't think he has always treated me well. We have moved to new towns, because I tried to get help, tried to see a counselor, or tried to contact my family for help. He has quit jobs, because it was found out that he hit me by somebody at work. We have quit going to some churches, when I asked the pastor's advice. He seems to be threatened by the very idea that I would actually talk to anyone besides him, yet he never wants to talk to me either. When I ask him things, he just answers "I don't kow." ME: "how did you feel when this (XYZ) happened?" H:"I don't know."

I digress. The physical abuse stopped many years ago. He resigned himself to realizing that I am going to continue to have a friend against his wishes. I think he realized by now that she poses no real threat to our relationship, and actually depressurizes me so I can cope with him frequently. He is still very critical of me and tries to steer me toward things which he thinks would be fun to have his wife be. A lot of times I have complied and done the things and had fun. Sometimes I have done the things and been miserable, ashamed or scared for my life. (I will never scuba dive or get in a canoe with this man again) He thinks it is exciting to almost get yourself killed. I don't. I'm so afraid that I will mess up something important and I WILL get killed. Plus, I lack physical ability to do many of the things any more.

He seems unhappy with me no matter what I do. When I get tired of being alone and waiting on him to do something come home or plan somethng to do together, I do something I like, but he doesn't like. Then he accuses me of just wanting to do that thing and never paying attention to him because that's what I happen to be doing when he comes in. I never want to go out and do thngs with him anymore. He has, until recently thought that I pretended to have arthritis so keep from doing anything with him. He didn't believe that I had anything wrong with me, and wouldn't even give me the money to see the doctor. Finally he changed jobs and got insurance. Now he has to accept the fact that I wasn't lying to him and I don't just have arthritis, I had a fractured pelvis besides, low thyroid and borderline diabetes. So much for pretending to be sick.

I am just trying to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. He doesn't like it when I spend my spare time doing things that make me happy, but if I don't do anything but wait for him to decide to stop and talk to me, he says I have a flat affect and no interests in anything and is disgusted with me. He likes me better when I am fighting to have an identity and with him with him, I think, but that is when he abuses me. He wants me to build myself his way.

It has been easier for me to do his thing all these years. I can't stand fighting, never could. I have been having anxiety attacks for about 5 years. I don't know what to do. I am so sad and lonely while I live this way. But I am so afraid of waking up one morning and finding my whole life has just gone "boom" and disappeared, along with family, as it did those many years ago. I am not sure how I can live through that.

Hi There...

Sorry I didn't get back on to post to you sooner. I read your previous posts.... sigh....

My heart goes out to you hon. Life with your H
has not been an easy road for sure.

I am proud of you! Telling your Doctor is a wonderful idea!

As for as the affair? I wanted to ask you, IF you did find out that it was true (and I am a strong believer in the fact that we should trust our gut instincts here, I think you probably already KNOW the answer) then what do you think you will do?

I can understand with raising your grandchildren and wanting finanicial stability, it will not be an easy decision for you to make.

You are not alone! I hope you are continuing to read posts on this site. I believe you will find a lot of support here even if it is by reading other people's posts. I know that I did, and only 2 other people wrote to me. I appreciated what they had to say, and I just hope in some VERY small way, I had SOMETHING to say that helped.

I feel so inadequate to give you advice though hon, as I have never been through what you have been through.

I was wondering if posting more posts in the "emotional needs" section under a different heading might generate more "help"? Try it .. it can't hurt.

I also had a thought ..... what about e-mail .. Does you H use that? Is there a way you could "check" into that and see if there has been some communications between him and the OW?

Just a thought, but I am with you, I would HAVE to know. In fact, this has to be settled in your heart or you can't go on. IF he is not cheating there are still a lot of issues you raise that you and H need to sort through and begin to work on. The communication issues seem to be REALLY lacking between you two and it surprises me (although I guess it shouldn't) that he is a C himself. What sort of counseling does he do?

I certainly can appreciate how scary this must be for you to be alone with all this. I do hope you will continue to vent as you need to here.

God has not forgotten you !
Peace,
D

I was posting my last message as you were posting this last one........
I read it and I felt like crying for you... I can just hear the pain in your text .... I am so sorry.... I wish I could take it all away.

I know you feel hopeless, and I can imagine that living years and years under this can wear you down but I am wondering if you realize that you are actually getting better? Not worse?

The fact that you are pointing yourself toward some help and reaching out.. you are actually starting on a road to healing. I know the road is long, and hard, but if you will just continue to reach out for help and continue to read and learn, I KNOW you will make it.

Many women have walked this road before you and DO get free. I am not pretending I know what is the right thing for you to do, but I do know that it is God's will that our marriages be healed and restored. Marriage Builder's principles can help, but I believe BOTH the H and W need to be on the same page with it.

Again, I feel inadequate to give you advice this way, but I am happy to "listen" and hear you out as you vent.

Peace,
d

Diamond...You must be a diamond. I don't expect all the answers. As you said, it really does help to just get it out there. Maybe I will go to the EM folder. I feel that I am not done venting yet. I might compose myself a bit better before I go. Maybe nobody wants to say anything because this is really such a crazy situation. I have one ray of hope. My H says that he doesn't think I am ugly, as all the kids I grew ip with said. He thinks I am pretty, but I am overweight. He has a strong need for an attractive spouse and I think SF is one of his major needs. His biggest need it recreational companionship though. I'm sure of it. We tried MB for a while. The problem I had with it was that he expected me to fulfill ALL of his needs consistantly for a perios of time before he would grant ANy of my needs. He thought he granted my needs, but he granted them in a way that he thought I shuld need them. If I needed more or different than he was willing to give, I had an abnormal need and he wasn't about to do it. the thing is, when I compare with other women what I need, it seems pretty much basic needs across the board what I need from him. Like I want a goodnight kiss and a hug and to be told I am loved more than once a year. I tried for a whole year to do everything perfectly for him last year. I did a really good job, when I considered how difficult it was for me. He didn't have much SF, but I gave every time he asked and with enthusiasm.

My H doesn't do marriage counseling (thank God) My H works with chronically mentally ill persons. They have lots of needs and are draining at times. He gets too emotionally involved with them sometimes. He heart goes out to them, but he is my H. Anyway, He often compares me to his patients, and tries to psychoanalyze everything I do. That drives me crazy. He wasn't a counselor when we married, but went through school while married. I think he uses what he knows to manipulate me.

Yes, I know I am getting better. I think this is what is driving H to OW. OW probably sees the guy I thought I was marrying.

My gut tells me that all the elements are there for it to be real.

MIL thinks it is a client trying to mess with my H. Clients have done that occasionally. Once we were under death threat 'till they caught the guy. I believed it was possible to be a client with the first call, though I cried for a while. My H now works at a different agency then he did when the first call came. We have moved to an entirely new area of the state. New job, new home, unlisted phone, address, etc.... I got calls here.

And yes, I do read th other folders and conversations. I cried last night. I knew I wasn't alone. It is very therapeutic, and informative. My H shows MANY of the signs listed as signs of a cheating spouse.

I'll keep one reading, until I get courage enough to resolve what I can resolve.

I'm so glad I found this place. I found this web site by a search on what women's needs are. I wanted to verify that my needs are not really abnormal or excessive. LOL I think I did that.

Ahh .. ok ... now I am getting a better pix of things...
Vent away!!! As much as you like!!

Well, I am sure glad H doesn't do marriage counseling!! LOL!

But trust me, it wouldn't be the first time I had heard this.

I was taking University courses for 2 years majoring in Psychology last year .....Sometimes when you think you have all the "answers" you can use your psycho babble to manipulate others.

I REALLY believe sometimes people have a lot of problems in their own lives, will turn to the "helping" profession as a way to divert their pain......... just my opinion ...... but I think there is some merit to it....

The old saying "can't see the forest for the trees" might apply here.

I am hoping a gal I "met" on the posting I left here, will join in with us, because she has some real wisdom and understanding of a lot of the issues you have raised.

Anyway, vent away my friend .....I do believe that is VERY important. I know for me, it's just so good to talk about it .. even if it is just here...
Diamond? nahh .. more like a Zircon .. hee hee

Peace,
D

Now I am thinking about this, when I came back from that trip unexpectedly I found a bra in my bedroom I had never seen before in my life. Neither had my teenage daughter. Sometimes when we would visit MIL we did laundry and ours would get mixed with hers. RARELY I got home with something of hers. rarely. It had been several weeks sine we have visited MIL and I hadn't seen this bra before. It disappeared and I forgot about it.

I found an article of clothing here at this house which was unexplainable too. I believe it was a blouse? I can't remember. MIL buys things for me sometimes and sends it with H and he forgets to tell me. She usually askes me if I got it though. She never did this time. I don't know what happened to it. H must transport clients to and from some places in his car. I have found long blonde hairs on his jacket. One day I put it on as I zipped out the door for something. It was quite unexpected, I never wear his jacket, but it was the fastest thing I could grab at the moment. I was riding in my daughter's car when I pulled this long blonde hair from the front of the jacket. I have dark brown hair. I passed it off as from a client who rode in his car. How'd it get on the front of his jacket though. I found a hair brush in his car. He said a client was looking for it though. I think that one is for real. He usually tells me if a client is agitated with him and might cause a problem at home. He was surprised by this "client" who calls me. He says he knows of no client who could be doing this. I remember that the passenger seat of his car would be moved to odd positions before we moved, when he still had the job where he had no contact outside work with clients and was not allowed to trasport them in his car, as he is required to transport them at this job.

My teenage son also asked me what I was doing there and stated to me when I got home from that trip that he thought I wasn't coming back.

Yes, I know lots of people go into psychology because they have a need themselves for help.

To answer your question, my husband is not very computer literate. At least he gives a mighty good impresion of not comprehending the workings of computers. He uses email very rarely and I have to help him. All of his email is available to me to read. It is boring for the most part. He never surfs the net, he doesn't know how to get it to work. I have gotten on a lot of spam mailing lists somehow that I haven't figured out how I went to a place to have goten on the list. One of them is for viagra-like herbals or things for "increasing your erection size." I don't go to places where I would get spammed like that. I don't think. But the internet is a strange animal. H doesn't know about recent history lists and saving favorites and stuff like that. I should have checked my history more often I guess. My old computer crashed, so I am beginning fresh. I'll be sure to check my history before I delete again. I keep it deleted because sometimes I get things stored in my temp folder that mess with my computer.

I asked my H if he wasn't worried or angry about this person calling me. I wanted to get caller ID on the phone, but he says we can't afford it. I had caller ID on the last phone but the number was "Private". He says I am obsessing and being irrational and can't understand why I can't just ignore it.

I asked him what if it is somebody stalking me instead. Isn't he the least bit anxious to find out who it is and make them stop harassing me. Nope. Why can't I just ignore it.

me again. Somebody kicked over our rural mailbox last night. That used to happen right after we first moved to this place. It hasn't happened for about a year though. H brought me a flower yesterday. That was sweet of him. I had printed off a section from this website about emotional needs. I printed out the asessment pages on emotional needs and love busters too. I filled one out and left one for him. He never mentioned anything about reading any of the material. He hasn't acknowledged that he has even seen the assessments I left on his desk. I know you must think I ought to actually speak to him and tell him about what this is all about and tell him I put those things there and ask him to do this with me. I am afraid that he will see that as naging him again about doing something about our relationship. As i have said, he thinks I ought to just accept him like he is and take whatever he gives me, which is little to nothing, and be happy or get out.

So I just left the things there for him to find.

How sad your story is. Diamondzzz told me to come read it, I skimmed through it and it's late and I'm tired but... my gosh you have been through HELL in this marriage to a "counselor" and a "Christian" man. It appears that he likes to impress more then colleagues, but some other woman from reading your posts. A man who physically abuses is often prone to cheating as well - it's about power and control. Likely the woman he's cheating with is very insecure herself and he's enjoying his control over her - and his wife. That's really sick.

Seems like you need to descretely check into your husband a little more... There are ways a wife can "investigate" her own husband. Does he have a cell phone? The best way to catch a cheater is by getting a list of his cell calls, especially if they don't expect that you will. Can you do that? Also you might be tempted to get caller ID. Does he pay all of the home bills? Anyway you could get caller ID for a month, hide/destroy the bill then cancil the service. Keep the ID box hidden and used only when he's gone? Also isn't there a way to hit a certain type of code on your phone to see who the last caller was even without caller ID? Ask the phone company about that. There is a way the police can put a certain type of tap on your phone if you are getting "harrassing" calls. But in a small town I'm wondering if your "counselor" husband is buddies with the cops. It would be most interesting if they could do this without his knowledge.

Watch his mileage, if he "says" he's just going to work and back but there are more miles... be very curious about that. Of course he needn't know you are checking the odometer reading, but keep a list hidden. Even if you are in a small town, you should be able to tell if there is an extra so many miles that he's taking when he's "working late." Also of course, smell. Any perfume on him? Give him a kisses when he comes home, or lean up against him.

Check his pockets, if you are really bored, check lots of places. Some men if they've cheated for awhile get "careless" and there might be evidence around. Check his visa records, are there any flowers, gifts, etc. on there. Any cash withdraws that are unusual? Do you keep joint accounts?

The thing about most criminals, they get caught because they are "stupid." They leave tracks. Cheaters do the same, and if you "quietly" watch your husband and check up on him, playing a bit dumb (as that's what he appears to think of you anyways if he's been sly enough to cheat). How many counselors have affairs with their clients? Do you know who his female clients are? Do you recognize the voice of the caller at all? Is there anyone you think could be doing this? It doesn't appear that someone would do it as a prank, it appears to be loaded with "affair" material... from what you say.

That's sad about your preacher making you feel guilty for wanting to leave your husband - especially if he was physically abusing you. Shame on any pastor who says that. As God specificly says in the Bible that no woman is to be a doormat for her husband, that in the cases of violence or adultry, a marriage can be ended. You don't have to feel like a "sinner" for wanting to leave a marriage of abuse. Yes, God wants Christians to "reconcile" if at all possible, and to stay married. BUT your marriage doesn't sound like one that is based on God in reality of what is going on behind closed doors.

Sadly, small towns sometimes make domestic violence worse. Because women are so afraid of gossip. And men who are in powerful positions, and your husband would be one of them, are tied to other men of power - the cops, the courts, the preachers (a good old boy network). Often there's more corruption in small towns then larger cities because no one will really question these "men of authority." In addition small towns are outdated as to how women are treated, and as to how domestic violence is treated... men are simply "putting women in their place" and your pastor confirmed that. That is sick and corrupt. You should not be alone with no where to turn because you are in a small town, but that's often WHY so much abuse continues in small town American and why it's "accepted.'

I didn't get if you are employed or not? Do you not have an income of your own? Even if you don't is there a Domestic Violence counseling center outside of your area that can offer you free advice? I know you say the Domestic Violence has stopped BUT your husband is still very abusive of you it appears... and you need help of some kind. They can help you with a plan of escape. Also can you maybe find a preacher in another town that's more progressive that you can talk to about these issues?

I will reread some of your posts when I have more time. Yes, I have been through some of these issues. I had to investigate my own husband. I got the cell records (found calls continuously to one particular woman and others too). I got on his computer, found the emails to other women and the porn sites. I had the bruises from physical abuse. I've called those hotlines. My husband too is in a position of power, a banker, and one shrink in particular was more impressed with my husband's position in this community - rather then the issues, like me going to counseling with bruises.

I was a reporter once and I also did a series of articles about small town corruptions that made me the subject of a story in a state-wide paper, not that I wanted it. I wrote about a police chief who molested is own daughter only to get a slap on the hand by the DA because of his "position" in the small town. Of corrupt cops who refused to research certain cases (including a murder) because of friendships with the suspects parents. What the reporters in the big city who interviewed me said, that corruption and violence is worse in small towns because no one will address it, problems get put in closets, buried, victims can't speak up for fear of being shamed and especially if their husbands are prominent.

It's sick. But you have to be strong and stand up for yourself. Perhaps you can start by quietly researching your husband. If you don't "know inside" that he's cheating - it appears that the signs are there - maybe you can "prove it." I did an internet search while I was "onto" my husband, there was an article on "how to catch a cheater" that I gave you some details on. I didn't save the article or I would post it here, maybe you can find it in a search.

Also I would suggest you start taking care of yourself better. It sounds like you do like to get into the self pity thing, I realize your ilness is hard on you... BUT, you can be as physically active as possible, you can look into herbs/drugs to help you, you can watch what you eat, you can watch your mental health, you can make friends (and say to hell with him for isolating you), you can take up new hobbies, etc. These men have a way of beating women down, that's the sickness in it all. But the stronger you are the more you have your own power, the less he can affect you. Try your hardest to stop playing "the victim" around him. Try to stop crying, try to stay as strong as you can. It appears that the worse thing you can do with a man like this is to let him see you cry, to let him see how "weak" you are - as that "validates" his cheating/abuse in his eyes.

Best wishes and sorry about this...

Jordan...thanks. I recognize a few things about myself in that last paragraph. I swing back and forth with the self pity and the daring to escape control thing. The self pity comes in when I resign myself to try and be happy in this marriage and be what he wants. I have a great deal of fear for my soul as a Christian and don't know how I can feel "right" again if I get out.

I dream that one day he will be the person I need him to be too. However, I loose hope of that quickly when he doesn't reciprocate affection toward me. It is as if he used the MB questionaire to find out what my needs are so he knows what my "hot buttons" are. I just want to be compainions and friends and lovers. He doesn't appear to be able to share himself to that degree.

When I get the nerve to let myself grow and "to heck" with him, it makes him angry, he says he feels that I don't love him and am selfish. Often I have heard that he thinks that I am the most selfish person in the world. Other times the most irrational and insane person he knows and I ought to be locked up in an asylum.

I know I get into self pity sometimes. Don't be sorry for pointing it out. I simply don't know what else to do sometimes though. Please realize that I don't talk of these things to anybody and these are the thoughts which have been broiling up in my head for years which are largely unexpressed to anybody. I think that the self pity is what allows me to subdue myself and not fight back for my life. Otherwise I am so angry that there will be a big blow-up and I don't know what will happen if that happens. It scares me.

As for the other questions, no H does not have a cell phone. He has a pager for work. I haven't any access to it because it is with him all the time. I don't know how to use a pager at all. He doesn't use my computr and hasn't one of his own. He doesn't have one at work, that I know of. His job requires him to travel to his clients homes sometimes, since it is a rural area . He covers a lot of square miles of country. His clients are sometimes elderly and cannot get out, or don't own transportation, etc... Sometimes he takes several of them together to do some activity for therapeutic purposes if they consent. Not all of his clients are elderly and most of them are women, but I don't know who any of them are. My H told my MIL that he thinks it is some client who is obsessed with him who calls me. She told me that a few days ago when I brought up the subject of getting caller ID. She thinks I should just ignore it too. She would likely support him if he was having an affair. She blurted something about some girl he went to school with living in town again, and that she and her kids were wild. I don't know who she was talking about. she appeared to not want to say anything more, as if she hadn't intended to say that much, or that I should already know. I am not from here. I don't know anybody. Where I grew up, men don't treat women this way. Here it seems the normal and natural thing, I know of other women here whose husbands are just like mine. I've heard through the gossip here and there. The woman I am thinking of was last living away from here. I know my H has kept some contact withher. He was his "party girl" during high school after he took his "respectable" girl friend home. She has several children out of wedlock. One of them belongs to a friend of his. I wonder now and then if one of them is his. That is a wild fleeting thought. He took me to his 20th high school reunion and treated me as if I were the "party girl" he saw that nobody else was supposed to know about. He spent his whole evening away fromme with this woman and other friends, and never introduced me to anybody. He acted as if I wasn't standing there when I approached him. I felt so ashamed that I took the car and left him there. He came home about 5am. I don't know who brought him. I told him that I was never going to another reunion with him. That was the night that I decided to go back to school and get a career and get away from him.

Only I hadn't expected to have a car wreck and a fractured pelvis and arthritis which really slows me down. I was tained as a medical assistant and loved my job. I have all the hours except for doing the clinical hours to have a BSN. I wanted to teach nursing. I can't do floor nursing anymore and I will have to do that just to finish clinicals. If I tried to lift anybody, we'd both be in the floor. I can barely walk myself at times and am not to be on my feet that much these days. My doctor has given my strict guidelines for activity. When I obey them I am much less pain and disability for daily activities.

I have considered going back to school to get a PhD in Botany and teach. Botany is my "first love." I feel so selfish doing that. My grandchildren are both developmentally delayed. They need family interaction and stability to promote them to further developmental goals. I have a 6 year old who is just learning to speak. The 8 year old was considered autistic, but has made great strides. If he is autistic, he is very high functioning. I must be here for them. The children are on disability, and their father pays child support. I control the disability checks, for I didn't trust my H to spend it on what they need. When my own children were growing up he bought things that he wanted before he would buy the kids things they needed. However, the child support goes directly to my H. Legally we have co-gaudianship of them and I don't know how to get it fixed to come to me. I might speak to my SIL to see what he thinks about my going somewhere else with his children. I feel I owe to him not to take his children so far away from him that he cannot visit them much anymore. Yet, my family, whom I'd want to be near, is far from him.

It is just so complicated. It makes my head spin.

Ok, I've read your posts and here's what I see. A physically and emotionally beaten BS with a WS who feels he has the right and sense of entitlement to do what he does.

Until you decide to stop enabling his behaviour, set some boundaries, set up a support system for yourself and set up zero tolerance for his abuse things won't change.

For the record, yes I do believe he is having an A and the OW calls because she wants you to throw him out so she can have him. Until you honestly admit to yourself this is what they are doing, nothing will change. There is no excuse for his behaviour. Your physical ailments are no excuse, your weight is no excuse. You are not crazy or irrational.

I also think that if there is abuse or addiction involved in a relationship that recovery is almost impossible until the destructive behaviours are dealt with effectively by a professional. You have more support in your community than you realize. You have the right to expect to be treated decently and respectfully. Your WH has you believing he is "bullet-proof" and that's crap!

There is nothing you can do to change him, he has to want to change on his own. The most important person in the world for you to care for and look after is yourself. Be kinder to yourself, don't judge yourself so harshly (do you judge others as harshly as you do yourself?). Start talking to your family doctor about your physical and emotional health. There are many resources for abused women and you need to start taking advantage of them.

I'm a nurse with 2 degrees and have worked in the mental health field(currently, in OB/GYN). Trust me, it will come as no surprise to your doctor or to the "mental health community" that your WH is what he is. It's not uncommon and yes, you will be believed (it's your H who makes you feel you won't be). If one person doesn't beleive you, move onto the next. Keep talking about what's going on.

As for the person who keeps calling...time to have the phone company keep track of where the numbers are coming from and time to contact the police.

Start looking after yourself and loving yourself.

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

My SIL is a nice kid, and I think he would support me emotionally. He's not very emotionally there for many people, but we are on fairly good terms. God only kows where my DD is. Last time I heard she was riding across the country with come Trucker. She's headstrong and wild. I'm here, if she ever decides to come home, but my H is not there for her emotionally and he'd never allow me to help her. (this is the oldest child which he adopted) And frankly, she has lied to me and used me so much, I'd help her only on my terms. But I love her and miss her and want her to come home (emotionally)

Oh no, I very, very rarely pass any kind of judgment on people. I believe that people are human beings and all are worthy of love and respect, until they give me a reason not to love and respect them. I don't buy into the double standard thing that is so prevalent in my H's family. I am daily flaberghasted by one of them. I came from the wrong side of the tracks dahlin', it's not for me to be judging anybody. But more importantly, my God loves all people and is not willing that any should perish. He loves and calls me to love. I don't have to like what you do, but in my heart God has given me grace to love all "men."

My point is, it's time for you to ACT and time to stop REACTING. Sorry if I sound harsh (most here will tell you I have a "tough love" approach). Stop trying to fix, help and cure everyone and start focusing on yourself. The work begins with you. No one can make you happy, that's something you have to do for yourself.

I sometimes think my H is hoping that these phone calls will push me out and cause me to stop forgiving him so he can be rid of me. (I get all kinds of wild ideas) But he look sinnocent so that he can tell his mom that hsi nutty wife finally just got nutty enough to leave him. the whole town knows everybody else's business around here. the whole town will be thinking how crazy I am, and probably already do. sheesh!

Anyway, I think the thing I am most afraid of is that my H's family interact with each other in what I consider such a sick way, and they do my kids the same way. They emotionally blackmail each other and bribe each other. His grandmother, his mother, all of them. I am afraid they will turn my own children on me. to an extent my children had been turned against me. My H always would fight in front of them. He called me names in front of them. If I went to my room and cried he'd still be in there explaining to my kids how much of a nut their mother was. I feel sorry for my kids, and realize now that I really shold have kept them away and stayed gone with them. I thought I was doing the right thing, that they needed both of us. I guess they do. But this is not right. My middle D is now realzing how strange the interactions are in the family. She has been talking to me about things lately. I don't want her to turn against her dad or her grandmother. I just want her to be her and not let them but her in a box where they can keep her emotionally battered and control her. Love them, but don't let them hurt you. My son is 21. He lives here with us at the moment. He has some really serious emotional issues. I hope to get some kind of help for him, or at least open a dialog withhim so that maybe I can help him feel good abut who he is and get some confidence to go out and be what he'd like to be. He has absolutely no confidence and lacks ambition to try anything new. He is smart, but painfully shy.