Well, today is another day. got 6 hours of sleep last nite, it's better than 3.

Spoke with my husband today, he set up a counseling appointment for us on Friday. I asked him if he wanted to work this out, he didn't answer.

I asked him if he wanted me to come home, he didn't answer.

So plan B I guess. I don't know what to do and it's driving me crazy.

Harmony,
Maybe it would be best if you just go home-this way you can keep an eye on him. You can't work on your marriage being apart. Why did he say he made a counseling appointment? That sounds like a good thing to me.

So plan B I guess.
Why do you guess Plan B? Have you read through MB principles and Plan A & Plan B?

I don't know what to do and it's driving me crazy.
You should do Plan A for another 5+ months.

Chris and Deborah,
He is not willing to try to stay together in the same house with me. He told me that he can't see me everyday. And he is still sleeping with OW, when I asked him to stop, he said he will do what he wants to do (see update we had our talk).
So right now, the control is out of my hands. I need to give him his space, I believe with counseling he can sort through this and realize that we are great together. I am NOT going to stop having a positive attitude about the outcome, and I AM going to keep hope. I am going to fight for my husband, the man I love, the man I knew was my soul-mate, and he knew I was his. He is just confused right now. I WILL STAY POSITIVE ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!

Sounds like you are ready to do what you can. Great!

My questions were meant to give you pause & think about what/why you are doing.

He is not willing to try to stay together in the same house with me. He told me that he can't see me everyday. And he is still sleeping with OW, when I asked him to stop, he said he will do what he wants to do (see update we had our talk).
All of this is irrelevant to whether you can do Plan A or not, meaning you CAN & SHOULD do Plan A as best you can.

So right now, the control is out of my hands.
The control of what HE does is out of your hands but not what YOU do. And how you handle all this is what really matters.

Plan A goal should be be for 6 months. Since d-day is only a few weeks ago, you have plenty more time before Plan B.

All the talk in your other post is very typical. Take it all with a grain of salt.

Have you read “Surviving An Affair”?

Chris,
I have read surviving an affair, but my mind is soooo muddled right now, that I can't grasp anything.
I need to get some help, so I can re-read plan A. But I thought that plan A was staying together and working through it. How can We do that if he is not willing? Doesn't want to be, CAN'T be in the same house with me. He would just continue to go to the OW if we stayed together through this. Because he won't end the affair.
I asked his friend about this, and his reply was "it is a great ego boost for him to have another woman want him. He has self esteem issues, and right now, he thinks this is fixing it."
I am just thankful that he agreed to six months of counseling before he made a real decision (even though I know he was telling me that to make me feel better).

But I thought that plan A was staying together and working through it.
Plan A is about what YOU are doing to enhance the relationship and understand how your actions are helpful/hurtful in a relationship.
Don’t do the bad behaviors and do the good behaviors.

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Ideally, you will stay together & work on it. But, it doesn’t happen all the time. So you have to make do with what you can.

he agreed to six months of counseling before he made a real decision
Don;t be surprised when he changes his mid about this. He’ll probably say, “this is not doing any good and is a waste of money.”

Read up on Lovebusters and E L I M I N A T E them totally from your interactions.

This all takes time. It hurts and it’ll hurt some more. You’ll be fine on minute and a basket case the next. It’s okay. Take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other.

You’ll get through this.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

At what point do I give up.

HarmonyJ,
Please don't give up!! It had only been a few days since you discovered the affair. The woman hes involved with sounds like a predator and its doubtful any relationship will last. While you have doubts it is a hopeful thing that he will wait for a divorce and seek marital counseling. It may help to print out the questionaires about needs and have you and h fill them out.

I know your mind is boggled down right now but a good book to read on adultery is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It is a recent book and really covers at work relationships and how to recover. Whats really interesting is that it asserts that over 50% of men involved in affairs have good marriages but have problems with self esteem ect.

Your right you have no control over him but you can control yourself. Please take care of yourself. Seek counseling anti-depressants (if you need) and the company of people who love you. It helped me to begin an exercise program. Youd be suprised how an hour walk can make you refreshed, energized and help organize you thoughts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by harmonyj:
<strong>At what point do I give up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In about 2.5 years.

Thank you Chris, that helps me. I am the type of person that NEEDS a time frame. And that always drove my husband crazy. So obviously one of the "love busters" right? I will work on it.
Oh and I did see my doctor today, started Xanax and Zoloft. I'm going to be the happy little egg head...ha ha.

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: harmonyj ]</small>

Generally, 6 months for Plan A and 2 years for Plan B.

These can be adjusted but are usually pretty close to what most can or want to put up with.

DO NOT GIVE YOUR H any time frames. Don’t tell him he has 6 months to snap out of it. That is the same as telling him it is okay to continue until then.

Also, you set yourself a goal and see how you feel when it gets close. If you want to go on and have already given a date, then you are being wishy-washy which is NOT part of a good plan. So if you do not mention any timelines, you are free to move them as you feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by harmonyj:
<strong>Thank you Chris, that helps me. I am the type of person that NEEDS a time frame. And that always drove my husband crazy. So obviously one of the "love busters" right? I will work on it.
Oh and I did see my doctor today, started Xanax and Zoloft. I'm going to be the happy little egg head...ha ha.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anti-deps are NOT “magic little pills.” You won’t see the world in a rosy hue all the time. They help to keep your emotions from going into the pooper and help you to get out of it when you do get there. You probably won’t even feel any “effect” from them at all.

Hey harmonyj !!

I have not read ur story I just jumped here and saw something like plan B all of a sudden?

Nahhhh Plam B requieres at leas a plan A before for at least of 6 months I was told... so why u jump into the pit so fast?

I did plan A about one and half months... now I'm a stop or a anti plan A LOL many LB's and very depressed, but I will keep at it in a few days just need to compose myself...
I can relate to ur story cause H is not yet home... although we are going to MC and I'm taking pills I need him very much...

I'm rambling... anyhow don't jump into plan B just yet.. take time, meditate... try to fix u up... try to spend time with friends and family.. if not u'll get like me into depression and is not doing any good I can tell u...

How old r U? How many years M? childrens?

Post a profile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just wanted to tell u that all of a sudden plan B might not work....

And there are a lot of ppl here that will support u here

Take care! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, another little udate. I got 13 hours of sleep last night, and I ate some yogurt and some chicken soup.

Chris, I do know that anti-depressants are not a magic pill, but I do know that I need them to cope with this.

I talked to my husband today, he sounds so distraught. I let him know that his cousins up here love him, support him, and don't judge him. That they want to be here for him as his family (the rest of his family in Texas basically told him that they have enough on their plates right now). And he started crying and said "thank you honey, that means so much to me". I also told him that I love him, and I am here for him too. And he said he loved me too. I know that I right now he doesn't know what he wants, and he might just be saying he loves me out of habit. But, I just had to let him know that I wasn't abandoning him.

I have decided that I am going to move back home, and my first step is to get new bedding, new towels, I am going to surround myself with everything that I like.

And that damn couch his father gave us that I always hated is the first thing to go out the door....ha ha.

See, I can still keep my chin up. I will get through this, I will take care of myself. And even if I don't get my husband or marriage back, I know I love him, and at the end of this I will love myself.