My wife and I have been married for nearly 14 years. We have three beautiful children (3, 7, 10) and a fabulous home. In many ways, we have it all -- and I love her dearly. The last few years, however, have been kind of rocky as we've had some financial difficulties, major health issues, and mid-life stuff happening. I also joined AA, and have been sober for over two years. Still, she has given me several ultimatums -- and I have been trying very hard to get my life in order.

The biggest challenge on my end is the significant changes in my wife. She is a highly-paid corporate executive who recently survived a major illness. Perhaps in response, she has taken a "grab for all the gusto" attitude towards life that has seen her buy a $70,000 convertible, get herself into fabulous shape, share a personal trainer with her male boss, adopt a new and "sleeker" wardrobe, spend more time at the office (6 to 6 five days per week) and most recently, take a 10-day solo trip to Bermuda with her girlfriends.

In response, I have suspected for some time that she was either involved in or about to have an affair. Strange text messages in the middle of the night, business trips out of town that extended to the weekend, a lack of passion in her kisses and other changes in her have left me reeling and suspicious.

There were also sudden changes to our banking; our wills became a concern; her father told me the house is entirely hers (despite the fact I've paid for 90% of it); and there seemed to be a lot of strange things happening behind the scenes.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, I hacked into her e-mail. I did so repeatedly over a three month period, looking for clues. While I found no credible evidence of an acual affair, I did find that she was certainly discussing the status of our marriage with others -- mostly her mother and girlfriends. I also discovered that she was at times disrepectful in discussing me, and that she betrayed me in several ways (although not in a sexual manner).

On that, a little over a week ago, I got "outed" by three of her friends. We all work in the same industry, and they had apparently found out about an affair I had with a woman I worked with over ten years ago. For some reason, they felt she should know.

The facts are that I was newly married at the time, and struggling with the concept of being married and becoming a father (I come from a highly dysfunctional background). Sex was also an issue, as my wife was pregnant and unwilling to have sex after the first few months (that was also entirely new to me). And the young woman involved was indeed highly flirtatious and made sure I knew she was "available." The affair lasted on and off for about a year, and I have absolutely no interest in her today (she is in fact now married herself and living in another city).

Still, I've stuggled with that affair for years, never telling my wife as she always told me never to tell her if I did in fact stray. The guilt in me has been horrible -- and I'm sure the part of my suspicious behaviour towards her in recent years is as a result of me projecting my own guilt and behaviour onto her.

Anyway, the net result of all of the above is that she's not sure she wants to continue with our marriage. I'm sick about it and am trying desperately to get her to agree to some good joint counselling to get us back on the same page. As mentioned, I still love her dearly, and our kids are our lives. So far, however, she's not sure if she's willing to try the joint counselling -- and blames me for the entire situation.

While I take full responsibility for my bad decisions and the horror it has created, is it ALL my fault? Is it appropriate that she should share some of the responsibility and be willing to try to resolve our issues with a good counsellor? Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

OK...this is complicated, as they all are, but I'll wade in.

First...Yes, it is ALL your fault that you betrayed your marriage, your W, and yourself by having an affair. There is NO excuse! Newly married, fear of fatherhood, lack of sex...BS (not betrayed spouse...the other BS)! Stop all self justifaction right now! It will not fly!

Second...it does seem that your W is facing some changes, often this will happen after a life scare where you think your time has run out. I do see some real red flags where this is concerned and you do have a right to be wary.

Third...about her friends...while I don't really agree with them doing this ONLY because the affair was so long ago and well dead and buried, I do understand that if they were real friends with your W and she had been discussing her problems with them, they may have felt a need to give her an "out" if she wanted to take it.

It's only been a week since your W found out about your betrayal. Now for you...that betrayal died 10 years ago, for your W, it only came to life 7 days ago. It's very much a breathing, pain causing event in her life right now. So of course she hasn't a clue as to what she wants to do about you and the marriage.

I hate to say this, but I would be aware that she could possibly be having an affair or at least a fliration, which would make it "easier" for her to justify if she can point the finger at your past betrayal. But, I tend to think that if you've had access to her email over the last couple of weeks and you haven't found anything, there may not be anything to find. Just keep your eyes open in this regard...and now is NOT the time for an accusation. JMHO

You do need to keep trying to get her into counseling. Even without the betrayal, I would think that would have been a good idea with the illness she was combatting...a good idea for you, also. You've got multi-issues which need addressing. Hopefully, between the two of you, with alot of hard work and honesty, you can reach a decision which will be best for each other, your children, your marriage.

Good Luck!

WCH -

A couple thoughts for you...

As the FWS - you will catch a LOT of grief here (I did)... However, there are some really good people here that can give you some good advice! You will have to sift through the bad first - but the good advice is there.

Ok, here is what I see. The Affair (10 years ago) yes, it is your fault. (Please don't take any of this the wrong way - as the WS it took me a while before I realized or agreed with any of this...) Also, there are NO excuses for having an affair. I tried to make up all kinds for me, but in the end, I wasn't ready to deal with it - that is why I was making up excuses for the affair.

As I look back now, I can tell you (and most BS's will too...) that having an affair is all about ME!ME!ME!ME! You don't think about the other's situation or feelings... That is what I am dealing with at the moment - I say that I was thinking about my H, but how could I have been?!?!

I do agree with what Wifey said in that you have had 10 years to put this away, your W had had 7 days. It will take her time. The best thing that you can do at this point is be there for her. Answer all of her questions as open and honestly as you never thought possible. That is the key to making a good M! I am learning that - one day at a time.... But learning.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My last piece of advice - COUNSELING! IC and MC! It is stated in a thread by LivingWithHope... It is nice to get people to commit to 8 sessions of counseling. People sometimes give up on the counseling too early and claim that it didn't work for them! Do your best to get your W into counseling. Visit www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com (She is GREAT!!!) I know that my H did some counseling with Jennifer here last fall. I have been told that the Harley's do an EXCELLENT job! I guess I cannot stress enough the importance of counseling!

Good luck to you and your W! You will both be in our thoughts and prayers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear WestCoastHusband,
As someone who just found out last Friday that my husband was cheating, let me say this.
Don't try to force her into marriage counseling right now. See if she is willing to see a counselor on her own, and you see the same counselor. And then when she is ready, you can meet together.
I tried today to get my husband to see a counselor together, he said he needed to talk to someone alone.
I don't know if you can garner something from what I'm doing, but I am sitting tight. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, and we have something so special. Your wife may have just found out about the affair that happened 10 years ago, but to her, it's like it was yesterday, because you didn't tell her. We (as women) may SAY we don't want to know, but we really do. We process things differently, just please, sit tight, let her know you love her everyday (that's what I'm doing with my husband) If you try to push too much it may drive her away for good.
I just realized that I am soooooo not the person to talk to. I am going through a fresh affair. Just know, from a woman, no matter if it was 10 minutes ago, or 10 years ago, we still need to think through it.
Just tell her through email, or phone, every day that you love her. So she will not forget that.

Harmonyj

Dear WestCoastHusband,

The biggest mistake was not confronting what happened years ago. These things are not to be kept hidden, I have learned that these things when kept silent eat us up, and if we learn to hide them, than we really don't care about the one we love. Through MB you will see that secrets are not good in a marriage, your spouse should be your best friend. Right know you are suffering the effects of keeping the affair silent.

When you find out that your spouse has been cheating on you, it doesn't really matter when it happened, what matters is that it happened. My husband was caught by my kids (thank God not in the act) but the lady was in our home, he admitted to me that this affair began in 1999. He has tried to tell me "but it was years ago", I said "yes it was years ago, but I just found out so it could just as well been happening yesterday".

It's hard to accept and know that it's the fault of the one who commits the infidelity. But by experience it helps, I wondered what did I do wrong for my husband to stray. He says nothing, that he has no excuse, he let himself get taken by the moment, on the other hand I myself realize that I stopped depositing into our love bank.

At all cost don't blame your wife for your past infidelity, give her time, this is fresh in her mind and heart. I found out two months ago and it's still difficult to deal with, many times I have not wanted to go home and I have 3 beautiful teenagers that I have to think about. But when I rationalize with my thoughts I do what is right, as time passes she will become stronger. Just give her time. I have asked my husband for time and he is doing all he can to give me time to cope with this. But at the same time he is depositing into my LB, and I feel at times as if we are dating.

Seek guidance and be sensitive to your W's feelings. I wish the best for you and your family, facing these situations are better than keeping them hidden, I just hope she doesn't do the same thing. These things are very devastating and hard to recouperate from but there is always hope.

TheRose

WCH you've got to understand that your wife MAY be feeling like most of the marriage has been nothing but a lie. Do not make the mistake of discounting this.

Your wife is no angel(none of us are) but you have got to take responsibility for your past actions and the consequences that may arise because of them.

Maybe a way to help her deal with this is to apologize to her for the pain you have brought to her and tell her you will accept her decision on whether she wants to continue being married to you or to get a divorce. DO NOT try to give her any justifications for your betrayal.

You can not do anything to force her to love you, BUT you can certainly become a better person that she may become attracted to. How? Read all the materiel on this website, and the Harley books 'Love Busters', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Surviving An Affair'. Also, go to an MB oriented counselor even if she refuses to do so.

This is a great place for support and for the ocassional virtual 2x4 whack over the head, but we are not professional counselors, and any advise you receive here should be run by one first.

Keep us posted.

WCH - my w came clean about a month ago, the night after she was tempted and went with OM after many years since the last one.

She then told me everything about her past as she was so ashamed that she did it again (I had suspected, but never knew for sure about any of them before she told all)

Let me tell you that the first A which happened 4 years ago hurt every bit as much as the last one and as far as i am concerned they are all just as fresh in my mind and may as well have all happened a few weeks ago.

The events of 4 years ago have been going through my mind as much as the one a month ago.

You should have come clean, risky but at least she might have respected your honesty. If I had found out from someone else things might have been different.

During the initial flare up my W was quick to bring up the fact that I had betrayed her a few weeks into our relationship by going back to my first wife (very briefly but no excuse - I have been ashamed for what I did to her ever since) - she found this out as my first W was bragging about it.

She says that this was not the reason for her A's and I believe her as it was over 10 years before she herself strayed .... far too long to bear a grudge and want any revenge.

I think we are working it out - even though she has gone back to her family in Europe for a few weeks to get some space. She is not exactly friendly with me on the phone but I need to respect her space and look forward to her coming home to me.

I have forgiven her and respect her telling me so that we can work it out and try to stop anything happening again. She is being asked by her girlfriends to have more girls nights out (this is when the last one happened) but she is more than happy for me to pick her up at the end of the evening and even to arrive an hour or so before so that we can have the end of the evening together to put off any potential offers, as often seems to happen here when the hawks see a group of tipsy girls on a night out.

She is obviously in withdrawal but I love her and will work with her.

Honesty is risky but can promote a new respect - as it has done for me. She is so ashamed now and it is really affecting our recovery - all I can do is give her affection when she needs it, avoid all "love busters" (hard but I must make more effort when she comes home) and retraet respectfully when she is feeling guilt.

The last month seems like an eternity but it is getting a little easier.

Like someone else said on this site ..... if any of you on this site are tempted, STOP and think what you are doing to the one at home, who loves you. Try to work it out as an A is NEVER the answer if you value your partner and your marriage.

Wow! Thanks to everyone for their thoughts -- some good advice that I will take to heart. I pray that my wife will be willing to find forgiveness and be willing to try to reconciliate. I take full responsibilility for what I did -- and I am sick about the consequences. I love my wife and children dearly -- I just want our life to continue together. Please pray for us if you feel so inclined. Thank you.

West affairs are to some extent 100% the fault of the wayward spouse....but the conditions or environment that led to the affair are common areas of guilt in most cases....well actually in all cases.

Even in my case where my wife suffered terrible sexual abuse prior to me meeting and marrying her.
Read my story then come back to this reply.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009539

Well you should be thinking it was 100% either her fault or the sexual predator's fault.

It isn't completely. Yes the blame for the final decision to cross the line doesn't belong to me but there were several things I did to set things in motion.

1) First of all in the very beginning of our marriage I was so selfish about the lack of physical love I missed a very obvious sign of her sexual abuse (hiding sexy clothing).

2) Then over the years I pushed her to see a therapist but never went to one myself when she refused. Had I gone just once a competant therapist would have known something was wrong with my wife's behavior.

3) Finally I withdrew from wife over the years to the point that many nights we did not sleep in the same bed.

So while I support the belief that actually entering an affair is 99% the fault of the wayward spouse I recognize that in most cases both parties share blame for the conditions that allowed an affair to occur.

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