So tonight, I went over to our home, to meet with my husband.
The first thing he said to me was, that he loved me, he cared for me, and this was tearing him apart. That he can't eat, he can't sleep in our bed without me, that he is devestated by what he is doing. Then he told me he wanted a divorce.
My reply was, I feel the same way as he does, and if it is tearing us up inside, then it can't be the right thing to get a divorce right now. I asked if he would be willing to think about a six month trial separation and seek counseling. At first he was not agreeable to it. He said it just wasn't "there" for him anymore. And that his heart was very cold right now. He said he wanted a "lover".
My reply was, we have so much together, that we have been together through everything. That he can't be willing to throw all that away without at least trying to get help. I told him that I was afraid that if he didn't get help for what he was going through that he would continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. And that I loved him too much to see him do that to himself.
Well, after about another hour of talking (I remained unbelievably calm through this, I can't even believe it myself) he agreed to separate counseling right now with the possiblity of joint counseling in a month.
Then he dropped the bomb. He is still sleeping with her. My calm reply to that was, if you want to get your head straight how do you expect to do that if you are married to me, but sleeping with her. The guilt alone of it must be tearing you apart. Then I really surprised myself and said, do you love her, he said no, do you want to be a father to her two children (not his from two other men that she tried to trap into a relationship) he said hell no! He said the last thing he wanted was to jump into a relationship.
And I asked him to take her feelings into account. If he doesnt want a relationship, she does, he is not only going to break my heart, buy also break hers. The fog seemed to lift for a minute, I saw clarity in his eyes, then it was back and he said just let me deal with it. I'm going to do what I want to do.
Did I handle this right? He wants me to move back into the house, and he move into his friends (not OW). I thing that I need to give him his space and not push him, or he will be gone forever. We do have something special, he admitted that to me. Right now because he is sleeping with another woman, he feels that we cant' work our marital problems out.

Harmony,
Did he say *why* he wants you to move into the house again? Just so he can move in with his friends?

I know I could be wrong, but this smacks of a man who doesnt want it to appear that his WIFE left HIM. Looks like an ego thing to me.

Truthfully,and hypothetically, if I could afford to live outside our home with no problems, I would do it. (if I were in your shoes) Then there would be NO question who left who, or any attempts on his part to save face.

Mojo,
I have been thinking of why he wants me to stay there. He didn't say "why", but I thought I would sleep tonight, but I can't. I am tossing and turning just thinking about going back there, and I don't think I can.
I don't make much money, but I can afford to live on my own, barely.
I spoke with his cousin (male) who gave me a little insight on why he won't leave the other woman. His self esteem is low, and has been for a few months. And his cousin believes that it is a big stroke to his ego to be sleeping with this other woman.
So you may have a point there about him wanting me back in the house. I had thoughts that it was so he knew where I was, so he would know I was safe. But if he really wanted that he would come home with me right?

Still as confused as ever, with no tangible answers, just me driving myself crazy.

So, I had a complete meltdown today. I keep vacillating between wanting to work this out, because I know he is confused right now. And saying SCREW HIM!
I have been reviewing our conversation from yesterday, and I am realizing that he doesn't want to try to work this out, he was just saying that to make me feel better, because he didn't want to see me cry.
He won't stop seeing her, and yesterday he even had the nerve to say, that if I moved back into the house, would he have to worry about me driving by her house. That I needed to leave them alone! AND I TOTALLY DEMORALIZED MYSELF AND TOLD HIM HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY!!!
He is treating me like I AM THE OTHER WOMAN AND SHE IS HIS WIFE!
I just can't believe this. He wants ME to leave THEM alone? Well fine, he made his bed, he can lie in it.

The first thing he said to me was, that he loved me, he cared for me, and this was tearing him apart. That he can't eat, he can't sleep in our bed without me, that he is devestated by what he is doing. Then he told me he wanted a divorce.

harmony, a lot of people are very unaware a marriage can be rebuilt after a betrayal of this kind. He still loves you, he still cares for you,he doesnt want to be the step dad nor does he love her, you got yourself some good footing to start a very effective plan A.

Move home and get into the swing of things. Get into IC yourself.And remeber to take care of yourself

Dino

I went to get help today, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I have started Zoloft and Xanax, so maybe in a couple of weeks I will be ready to move back into the house. I just can't do it right now. I was over there for 10minutes this morning to make a phone call, and, just couldn't take it.
But now I am getting help, I realize I can't do this by shere will power like I have been able to do everything else.
Thanks for bearing with me, I am a gemini, split personality and all.