I guess I was being way to optmistic. He came home, commited to me and our family, send the NC letter, and everythign was fine... He went back to work on monday and saw the OW and all of his feelings for her came flooding his mind... Her red and puffy eyes ... He posted on this site under recovery "conumdrum"... you can see for yourself... He is "confused"... He is afraid of loosing the relationship he has with her... My heart aches for him, on these last four days we have renewed our sexual relationship like never before, to my surprise. We have spent every minute together, I am being the person he never had in our marriage. But my heart was crumbling when I picked him up at work. I could see it. I knew he didn't feel love for me, and it hurt like hell... I cried, and later he cried and confessed what I already knew.... That he was missing her... What do I do now? I know it has only been since last Thursday, and yesterday was the first time he saw her. I am so afraid of what he will do next... Please help me... Please help us...

I looked under the In Recovery board and couldn't find any postings by your husband. When did he post and what was topic or what is his member number? If I find his post I'll ask my FWH to read it and try to help him.

His post In recovery "Conundrum"
His name"lost-dad
He posted last night.

Thanks

Ok, thanks. I thought that was his posting name..that's what I did a search on. I found it and I'll ask my H to post a reply. I saw that he had several replies already with several good points being made.

Have you read SAA or Torn Asunder yet? I would also highly recommend a session right away with one of the Harley's. Cost for us was $185 a session and they take credit cards. They of course specialize in infidelity and have years and years of experience. Have you both filled out the EN's questionairre and the Love Buster's document?

Try to agree on a plan quickly to do some of the above...you need to be on the same team with an agreed upon plan of action to get through this as quickly as possible. It also had a side benefit for my FWH and myself...working on the same team again, helped us realize what good friends we'd been and were becoming again!

Best Wishes!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I posted to your husband, and I will post to you. Accept the fact that your husband will go through a painful withdrawal. As much as they hurt you (and I know this is excruciating for you), his pain is real, and he needs to "go through it to get through it." As hard as it is, now is your time to be as loving as you can, and make your first steps towards becoming an expert at meeting your husband's emotional needs. Do what you can to soothe his pain. Give him time to grieve his loss.

It sometimes happens that immediately after ending an affair, the wandering spouse is too stuck in the funk of withdrawal to appreciate the spouse's efforts to meet their needs. If that starts happening for you (although it may not, since you've been having sex and spending time together), don't give up. Focus your attention on eliminating all love busters and meeting his emotional needs in smaller, low-key ways. Then, as he starts to emerge from his fog, you can kick the needs-meeting up a notch.

Finally (and I should have said this to your husband as well), be good to yourself. Eat healthy, get rest, do nice things for yourself (e.g., manicure, or something else that makes you feel pampered). It will help keep your emotions in check and avoid love busters.

Good luck to you. My heart aches to read your story.

LL...I replied to your H last night. I really do believe that what he is feeling should be expected. Not that it's not painful for you, but I'd be really concerned if he just turned his feelings off like a light switch. That might indicate a lack of ability to feel anything but selfish desires.

Now, while he might be feeling very guilty for causing this OW pain, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's not feeling more guilty for causing you pain, also. It's just that yesterday was the first day he was faced with having to see her pain. He's been dealing with your pain for a few days, likely was putting the thoughts of OW's pain out of his mind, and then "wham" he goes to work and there it is.

Of course he misses her at this point. She's been filling a section of his life, one which wasn't full of stress and sorrow and anger. The beginning stages of rebuilding is very difficult for all concerned.

He created a situation (by having the affair and then being discovered) where the home life is now full of added stress and pressure. He's going to look back with longing at those times where he was "free" of dealing with these issues.

I've always said that while my H wasn't "happy" for whatever reason when he embarked on his affair, when we began rebuilding, that was when our marriage was in true crisis. I know my H would have loved to have gone back to the days before I discovered his affair. He was having his needs met by two women, he was trusted, he had "everything" a man could want.

My H also was guilt stricken by the pain he'd caused OW. He's a good man. He didn't set out to hurt anyone. He believed that no one could get hurt, because he wasn't going to get caught. Wrong again!!!

Now, I don't know what is in your H's head or heart. From his post, I don't think he knows either. There is a lot of confusion involved in this for all of us. None of us know whats going to happen. None of us are wrapped in security and foreknowledge.

Fear of what will happen and if we are making the correct choices is rampant, not only for him...but for you. Fear of being alone. Fear of making another mistake. Fear, Fear, Fear! It rules our lives for some time.

All you can do right now is what your heart and mind tells you to do. You do need to give him time to adjust to the reality of all of this. Time to accept responsiblity for what he has done, time to face himself. No one wants to really accept deep down inside that they were wrong, that their actions caused so much sorrow.

Hang in there. He made the choice to end the affair. Yes, you may have given him only two choices..."her or me"...but he didn't have to choose you. You can no more control the choice he made that night to email this OW and end the affair, then you controled his choice to begin the affair.

I know he is in pain, and I thank you for your reply to him... He is suffering for causing me pain, I know that also. He told me last night that he had made me a promise to stay and work on our marriage and that he wasn't going to break it. He knows how much he hurt me, and frankly I think he is puzzled by the way I reacted to the discovery... MB's has been a God sent to me, because it helped me to focus on my next steps... and the fact that he was out of town for days before I confronted him was also a gift from God. He was expecting me to yell, scream, thrown him out... instead I have been doing the opposite, swalowing my own pride for the sake of my marriage. And it threw him for a loop.. the nagging, horrible wife who could do nothing right reacted in the exact opposite way that he'd expected. I was loving and willing to forgive. I was being his friend. Right now I am scared, you are right. And he is scared that once the storm is over that we will go back to the same old marriage we had...I love this man with all my heart, and he doesn't even know why... I hurt because he was crying yesterday night, and it wasn't for me... I will get through this, in time.. I am willing to do everything to keep my marriage, but I told him today "No more lies"... I rather hear the truth even if it crushes me. I couldn't take being lied to again...
Thanks for listening..