my husband of 27 yrs is having an affair since jannuary.he says he loves her he says he loves me but he has never felt this way before. we are going through counseling he is having no contact with the other woman for one month. but he doesn't want to be intimate with me doesn't know if he ever can he says he doesn't know what he wantsor if he will ever get the feelings back for me. devistated in mass. de

Denise,
Now is the time to think about the positive things in your life, or things could spiral out of control. I don't know you, but after reading your post, I see some posititives you can hang on to:

1) NC with OP for one month
2) Your H agreeing to MC
3) Your H says he loves you

As far as the intimacy, it's time to evaluate that too. Your H was with an OP - he needs to take an STD test and I would talk about this in counseling. I know you want to me intimate with him, but for your protection, you need to wait. You think being intimate will draw your H nearer, but it could be the opposite.

You need to read about Plan A & Plan B. I did Plan A and showed my H (WS) that I was a wonderful wife & showed him what life with me could be like if he chose not to see the OP again.

I also love this website. Knowing that my situation is not unique makes me feel better. Knowing I have the support makes it better.

Start doing things for yourself. It's hard to even breath at this point. Take baby steps. Focus on you.

Think about the positive things.

EZS

Denise, your WH is going thru withdrawl and he is probably in no condition, for a while anyway, to satisfy your EN for sex. Sex (for the time being) for him MAY also be a painful trigger that brings forth all the shame and guilt of his A.

In the meantime, implement Plan A and avoid ALL love busters. Go to a doctor and have him/her prescribe you some anti-depressants to help keep your emotions from sabotaging any of your efforts to save and rebuild your marriage(beleive me, they do wonders).

Keep us posted.

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thank God for Zoloft! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Denise,

my Dday was 1/02/03, my H and i married for 34yrs. at first, i wanted sex so much w/him. now, as i look back i'm happy we've yet to have that part of our marriage return.

what you've written could be my story, verbatim. my H didn't know what to do, who to love, etc.

it's been, and continues to be, a difficult road to recovery. while i do everything i can to show him what he'd miss if he left; all the good meals, well-kept home, successful daughters, all bills paid, etc etc etc....i still have that churning undercurrent of: IF i stay you'll have these.

i can think more clearly b/c my emotions aren't clouded with the sexual emotions. he, meanwhile, seems to be responding, is accountable for time, readily states where he's been if late, and shows other means of sincerely repenting and changing.

as CoffeeMan stated, i too think that sex is a trigger to the guilt and shame of his A and twice in the early stages i tried to get "close" and he jumped away like he or i were poison.

time IS the great healer. i am taking TIME and moving slowly now. no more wanting sex until i feel comfortable and can make the decision to forgive and accept him as my "new" H and move on. if this sounds hard, cruel, one-sided, whatever, then so be it. now is my time to think about me. he had 18 to 24 months to consider the impact. he didn't.

Simmy