I recently discovered that my husband of 15 years was having a phone and internet affair with a woman from high school. The difference here is that we live in Europe; the woman is in the States.
I'm nearly certain that this started after we moved here. The woman contacted my husband via email after seeing his name on a class reunion routing list. She had always had a crush on him, etc etc. So it went from there. She gave him her phone numbers, he started calling, they convinced each other that the "hole in their hearts had finally been filled," love, phone sex (yuck) and eventually an understanding that when we moved back to the States, it would become physical. She constantly reaffirmed her willingness to leave her family for him, that he was her soul mate, you know the story.

I discovered him on the phone with her five weeks ago. Apparently, just after successfully concluding phone sex. We're nine hours ahead-therefore it was middle of the night here, middle of the day there. God knows where she was, the toilet at work, on the bus, oh gross. I got the usual-he called her immediately, broke it off in front of me, swore he would not call her again. Right. Not 24 hours passed before he had reassured her that he only said "that stuff" because I was in the room, and though he could no longer call from home (he didn't realize that the bill is itemized), he commenced calling from work (at the employer's expense) and on his cell phone (again at the employer's expense.) Inevitably, I again found out. The pain was incredible, hundred times worse than before, since I had asked him daily if she had emailed or he had talked to her. Always a most sincere, "Of course not!" All lies. What a creep. Now he SWEARS it is over, that he will do anything it takes to keep the girls and I in his life (we have two daughters, 9 and 12) that he is disgusted with himself and his behavior.

So here I am, in a foreign country that I have a tough time even communicating in, we aren't military, so I have no access to American counselors on the US military base,and I've never felt so alone in my life. When I found out for the second time, the pain was intolerable, leading me to try to alleviate it by cutting myself with a knife. I had the twisted idea that physical pain would help me cope with the mental and emotional pain. Nope. Now I have scars, and it hasn't helped. How do I believe a person who has hurt me so on purpose, and how can I ever again believe that he will not go back to her? We may move home this summer, and we would be in the same city as her. We may extend our stay another year, but my children want to go home. This has made them miserable, and they deserve to be reunited with their grandparents, cousins and friends. And I still would have no assurance that the contact has not continued.

Every path I look down is negative. I cannot find a positive direction in which to go.

Any advice?

Linda

Hi Linda,

Welcome to MB. It seems that there are 2 of you posting from Italy right now.

Please read the concepts section above and get ahold of the book: his needs/ her needs and surviving an affair. Both books are by Dr Harley.

Then come back and let us know how you are doing.

Also get your children into some type of counseling. Your children need to know you love them and that none of this A mess is their fault.

take care,
L.

Linda can you find a translator on the internet so you can get some assistance? Or the equivalent of the Yellow Pages? This site on the web is an excellent source as well. There is also counseling here @ Marriage Builders.

Remember, you are in the company of people who are experiencing this same pain. Reading and learning how to deal with it is what you will find out. If you are staying in Italy, you need to develop support. You are already doing this. God be with you and your family. wflower

Linda, I let the difficulties in finding an english-speaking counselor while in a foreign country keep me from insisting on MC'ing for us, and our continuing to avoid dealing with our problems contributed to my wife having an affair (which started while we were still overseas), so I sympathise with you. Not only do you need counseling, you need GOOD counseling. If he can have an affair by phone, you should be able to cousel by phone. Call Steve or Jennifer today. Alternatively, just because you can't use military counselors does not mean those same people would not be willing to help you during the time when they are offf-duty.

Click on the link in my signature line for the rest of the story.