I need some advise..Iam a 28 year old woman......I have been married for 6 years....
I fell in love with my husband the first day I met him.....He was 19 and I was 21...
I was so into him...Everything he was and everything he did I loved....He was perfect for me ....we were glued to eachother from day one....we lived together since the first day we met...I was crazy for this guy...after a year we got married....I think he loved me as much...He never has been open or honest with me...I have allways had to drag things out of him...and he has his ways of totally winning me over by his action but never by his words...We have allways had a communication problem...I have cried , begged , freaked out, went phyco everything to drag his feelings out....but the intense love I feet for this man has never ended no matter how much mental sufering he has put me through...He allways wins me over physically and sometimes just by looking at me the ways he does and sometimes if Iam lucky he will speak some of what is in his closed up tight mind...He is like that with everyone in his life...So I have learned to deal with it...but the last 3 yaers things have happend in our relationship that have tainted my love for this man...Here is what has happend...I was this lil skinny thing when he met me and I gained 90 pounds with our first child..It has taken a toll on me and him becuase I have found out what a shallow man I married and fell in love with...
Its been 4 years since I got fat...I have been very depressed and have had a very dificult time loosing the weight...and whats funny is my husband couldnt express himself to me about his love but he sure did express his feelings about me being heavy with no problem...Nothing too abusive but enough to make me loose self-esteem and It tainted my love some more..when my first son was 2 we had another child,,,I was chubby so I really was careful and only gained 10 pounds...But I was still to big for my lil frame...So after my second son I got more depressed...had my tubes tyed cuz I was so freaked about my weight I couldnt deal with anymore extra weight........well in the last 3 yaers I have caught my love of my life husband having sex with my friend ( she is a lil skinny thing who made herslf pretty available to my shallow husband...) Yeah I actually caught them in the act..I freaked out kick her [censored].....my husband did the iam so sorry line....I was so devestated...I still could not see possibly living without this man though.....So I forgave and we tried to move on...He tried to win my trust only by saying I will never put you throught that again.....nothing too sincere.....I think he knows he can win me over one way or another and I tried to get back to the skinny girl he marriied thathe obvisouly wanted so bad..things were not the same after that really rocky...my heart was and is still breaking from that...I couldnt possibly think anything else could break me...so I tried to get over it.....well I didnt and I became the lonely,depressed left at home with the kids housewife and he became the distant husband who had his friends all around him constanly...He managed to allways keep himself busy...My oldest son his almost 5 now and we have allways lived as a family in the same house but we have never been the family that does things together.....Its usually Iam home with the kids or he is home with the kids...we only seem to be together as a family at night...Well I should be talking in past tense because last September I was hyponised for weightloss...and I lost 20 pounds in the first month that would be October...And that is when I started coming out of my depression I got a job..I visted my friends more...I stopped crying all the time...I was feeling good and I thought my husband would finally be proud of me...I was very wrong because the complete oppisite happend....Things were really distant with us we pretty much only saw eachother at night....I stopped talking...he just made sure he was allway busy and had people around him all the time..And at might we just went to sleep..Well this went on for another month I love 20 more pounds now its November...He tells me that He want a divorce and that he doesnt love me and that I need to leave or he does...He even said take the kids I'll see them on the weekands...Well I knew things were bad but I still loved him soo much..I was devasted I moved out with the kids...well it wasnt till I was in my own place when I found out by one of his friends that he had sex with the same ex friend of mine I cought him with 3 years ago.....I was blowned away........I had no idea I just though that we became so distant that he just didnt want to deal with this mariage anymore.
well now its Aprill 4 months since I moved out I have lost 50 pounds I feel and look great...But I stiil miss and crave this man...In the past 4 months he has come in and out of my life physically...He has told me he is sorry and that he loves me and the kids and blah blah blah...It never ends...we happy one week were mad the next...it changes all the time...and we dont even live together no more...I love him soo much but Iam really tired of this......So I need some good advise......I want to let go.....I want to get him out of my mind...I can't keep letting him treat me so bad and then allways winning me over...My heart just cant take it nore more and my kids are confused!! my lil one who is 2 is aok but my 4 year old knows whats going on and he tells me he sick of seeing mommy crying...So please help me.....I need to know what to say to him to let him know that Iam really really really sick of this...I have written letters..I have made it known to him that Iam at my witts end...But I need to know what to say to him that will make him deal with this marriage and end it or start repairing the damges he has caused over the yaers......He has done the most hurtfull thing there is to do in a marriage not once but twice and I still love him I still have it in my heart and soul to forgive....we are in one of those were mad this week and I have had it...I have been wanting to talk and spend private time with him with no kids no people around us and he has been closed up like he allways has been..So again how do I end this what can I say.....and how can I stick to it this time around and not let him hurt me anymore...Thanks to all who take time and intrest in my long story...I took the time to write this because I truley need some help and support....my name is Christy
my email address lilcrazys1@aol.com

Hi Christy, I think you've come to the right place for support...we've all been through this torment.

As long as you are enabling him to continue this behaviour he will. Have you been in counseling? If not I would highly recommend it. I would also read everything on this site, would call the Harley's counseling number on this site and set up a phone appointment with one of them, they will help you set up a plan. They will talk to you about an effective Plan B (can read more about this on this site).

The Harley's will also advise you as to how to talk to your Husband about the plan.

I would also read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, Surviving an Affair by Harley and Emotional Intelligence by Stephen Goleman (this book not about affairs but explains alot about why people act the way they do).

I would tell you Husband that you are doing all this and can't see him anymore until you have it all figured out.

Meanwhile is their a family member, friend, pastor who your Husband respects whose help you can enlist?

What type of father is he? Does he realize what examples and lessons this type of behaviour is teaching his kids? Does he care? Do YOU realize what you are teaching your kids by allowing yourself and them to be treated this way? Torn Asunder also goes into A's from kids perspective.

Sounds like you are doing a good job of working on yourself to build your self esteem. You sound like a strong person except when it comes to your husband...but if you really love him and want to help him and yourself...stop enabling him to behave this way!

Best Wishes!

Christy, before you do Plan B, you should do Plan A - they go together. When you got a job, your H may have been proud of you, but he also lost some of your energy and attention, because you had to give them to your job. Read the books recommended, and think about how your H must have experienced the changes in your life. I am not in any way trying to blame you for what happened, I just want you to try to understand his perspective.

Secondly, "forgiving and trying to move on" usually does not work after an affair - it usually leads to more affairs. The path one must take to recover from an affair is pretty narrow. Both TA and SAA will put you on it.

One last thing: I would bet that how you treat and treated him have more to do with your problems together than your weight, and your actions say more to him than your letters. Actions speak louder than words, and Plan A and B are mostly about how you behave.

Click on the link in my signature line for more information on how to recover, and for informatin on Plan A and Plan B.