Welp..

made love last night. I'm not sure what to make of it...the "foreplay..er teasing" went on for an hour before anything happened. I don't think she's messing with my mind. We cuddled for a few minutes afterwards until she finally rolled over and went to sleep. Is it possible she is just "using" me for the sex part of it and nothing more? Is it possible she is enjoying the fact that I'm wanting her and longing for her since one of her complaints is that I wouldn't give her enough attention before.
At least she's not repulsed by the sight of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

But I still don't know what to make of it all.

Depending on how you treated her before, she could be basking in having some genuine attention from you. You probably did a number on her self esteem by talking with the other women from the computer chat rooms.

Do your best not to love bust right now. It sounds to me like she could come around. Why else would she go thru all of that with you (cuddling too!) if she didn't care.

I actually started to believe her when she told me she stopped everything with the OM (a FRIEND) and that she was only talking to him in work.

I resumed recording her AOL sessions last night. After the first time I confronted her about it, she's been more careful. She's now limiting what she says to him in AOL chat or IM. They are also using acronyms and speaking in general terms...but nothing too difficult to figure out.

I'm considering renting a car and doing some "spying" on my own. If I actually SEE her with him...i'm not sure how I'll react. That's my problem.

Plan A is STILL failing. She's obviously got something going with him....still. Sexual or not...SOMETHING is still going on.
She works 10 min. from home. Yet she leaves 30-35 min. early every day and based on the chat I recorded last night with her and the OM, she was meeting him this morning. Her work called looking for her when she should have already been at work..so yes I KNOW she was with him.

My next problem is this...she keeps threatening that she's going to ask her wealthy brother for money to get the divorce proceedings started. He will give it to her. I cannot afford a $3000 retainer for my own lawyer and now that I'm laid off...i'm much less apt to be able to afford any kind of defense.

I'm almost just ready to let her go. I'm fighting a losing battle.

My problems are:

1) I want to make sure we have equal time with the kids. 4days for me 3days for her, 3days for me 4days for her etc. If things get nasty..she KNOWS she can use the kids to hurt me..right or wrong..I think she will resort to that.

2) I want to keep the house (down payment came from inheritance from Dad. I know it means nothing legally)

Is there FREE or very low-cost council available for Dads/husbands in my situation?

I want her back but I've all but given up...just as she has. I don't want to give up..but she's really not giving me any options.

Any help or advice you can give is greatly appreciated! Thanks.

Seacoast,

Sorry to hear things aren't going better. I say a billboard in St. Pete this weekend for "divirce for Dads" I can get that number for you. I don't know if it is local or not.

God Bless

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by d_rose:
<strong>Seacoast,

Sorry to hear things aren't going better. I say a billboard in St. Pete this weekend for "divirce for Dads" I can get that number for you. I don't know if it is local or not.

God Bless</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks d_rose...I'm not sure about anything right now.

I would like to have that # if you wouldn't mind getting it for me.

I suppose there are a couple possibilities that my wife is sneaking around the way she is:

1) she doesn't care about what I think or feel, and she doesn't want me to possibly "use" anything against her in d-court.

2) she's confused herself and can't stay away from OM, but loves me enough to not want to hurt me.

I suppose the latter would be better than the former. I guess only time will tell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Seacoast, while I know we've been putting all of the pressure on you because of your mistakes, I've got to be honest here and say...that your W's actions are raising all types of red flags.

Considering the background of past betrayals on both sides, it seems like it's fairly likely that you've both been at it again...not just you. Sorry, I know you've been trying your best to hang on to the hope that you're W isn't in an affair, EA or PA, but that hope has got to be getting harder and harder to justify.

I haven't a clue about legal help, but am sure that you should be able to get some. Since you are now laid off, hope you're W realizes that she may be paying YOU spousal support and child support if she wants a divorce so badly.

Maybe the # even if not in your area will be able to steer you to someone in your area. There is a grass roots movement to help men keep custody of their children if that is what they want and is best for the children and many lawyers are getting on the band wagon to help. Start looking around for someone.

As for following your W...I'm all for it IF you can keep your cool. While snooping isn't something we enjoy doing, if we're not getting honesty and truth from the one we love, then it's our right to find out however they make it necessary for us to find the truth. Take a camera with you and rent a car! JMHO

btw...how's the job hunting going?

<small>[ April 30, 2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

seacoast,

i'll get you that number. My lovely wife and I are separated right now so I can identify with all the "not knowing" stuff. Our sermon at church on sunday was "what does trusting God look like during the hard times"

1. Find out what the right thing is (Biblically)
2. Act on those things
3. Walk humbly with God

I don't remember your religious background but when all of our crap started I found that faith was about all I had left and I am still holding on with all I have.

As far as your job isconcerned, www.usajobs.com lists gov't jobs. you could give that a try.

God bless

Thanks just a wifey 2002

Job hunting is not going well...I'm in the manufacturing field and there's not much available right now. Unemployment checks should start coming in next week. This will help but is not enough so I need to find something under-the-table to help or find a job that was paying close to what my last job was paying. Obviously, this only adds to the problem. Normally, this probably would have been a welcome break from a company that was making things miserable for me (and a few others). Such is not the case now.

I want to follow her, but I know it's going to make things harder if I find what I'm looking for.

I will have to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind if there is such a state during this time.

SC...how you doing? Praying hard that the job hunting is improving and that you're finding some peace of spirit with whatever is going on at home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by just a wifey 2002:
<strong>SC...how you doing? Praying hard that the job hunting is improving and that you're finding some peace of spirit with whatever is going on at home.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for asking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Everything is pretty much the same. I'm pretty sure my wife is still sneaking around with OM. She told me she worked til 3pm yesterd. I found out she, in fact, did not. Surprise surprise.

Plan A is becoming nothing more than a plan to keep the peace and allow her to do what she wants to do...I can't question anything she does or says because I'm walking on eggshells. As soon as I question her even in the slightest bit, she starts talking about getting the divorce going because "we can't live like this forever".

What can I do from this point? Plan B?
I'm sooooo lost.

just giving a bump to see how things are hangin' (can I say that)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by d_rose:
<strong>just giving a bump to see how things are hangin' (can I say that)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not good. Not much arguing going on...i guess since i'm just letting her do her own thing. She's getting more support from her friends. That tells me they don't know the complete and accurate truth. She has a way of telling stories in a way that will benefit her the most.

She's still lying. She is telling him she loves him even though she says he's just a friend. Do all women think men are stupid? Or is it just my wife????

Wife thinks she's slick now. Her friend told her how to get a hotmail account since she thinks I can't "spy" on something outside of AOL. Well..this time I won't tell her that I can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Her friend also told her how to clear the history. More sneaky behavior.

Well...enough bi*ching on my part.

Still laid off and need to make SURE I keep the house and get the split the custody of the kids 3days-4days-4days-3days.

I contacted the National Center for Men hoping it was a free organization dedicated to helping men in my position. HA! $90 for the initial 2 hour consultation.

Is there a free or non-profit low-cost alternative?

Thanks for your support, everyone.

I don't know if anyone is still following..but here is an update.

There is no REAL update...I'm trusting wife less and less. Discovering she is lying to me more than I thought. I believe her...then with my "spying" techniques..i'm finding out she's lying...so the Trust -> No Trust thing is going on over and over...the NO TRUST is starting to take over though.

Plan A (status): Miserable Failure! after 1 month.

Plan B???? NOW?????

I'm nothing but a doormat..and she's got control of the door!
I'm only "keeping the peace" at this point. No since in arguing about or even discussing something that will only result in more lies from my "wife".

Just gonna try to buy as much time as possible so I can get on my feet financially with a new job..possibly a new career. Of course, this could and probably will take months.

IF she happens to change her mind in that time and starts to feel some guilt over what she's doing...maybe we will work things out..but it's doubtful she will change her mind.
Kids are out of school in a month. I think that will give me a reasonably good idea what's going to happen in the very near future.

QUESTIION:
How can I "help" her feel the guilt she should be feeling everytime she sneaks around with the OM?
She doesn't seem to feel ANY guilt whatsoever.

Should I just act like I trust her 100%?

Should I just act like I don't care?

Please don't think this next thing is a plea for sympathy:
Feelings of lonliness and needing to be loved are really starting to sink in pretty deep. Even though we are living together..we are not together. I feel like nothing...like I'm "just here"...if that makes sense...i dunno.

If you made it this far in the posting...Thank you.

Please reply if you have some input. Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

[QUOTE]Originally posted by SeaCoast:
[QB]I don't know if anyone is still following..but here is an update.

There is no REAL update...I'm trusting wife less and less. Discovering she is lying to me more than I thought. I believe her...then with my "spying" techniques..i'm finding out she's lying...so the Trust -> No Trust thing is going on over and over...the NO TRUST is starting to take over though.

know the feeling bro!

I'm nothing but a doormat..and she's got control of the door!

have been here too. However, stand back and look again - there must be somethings that you can control. Now look at which of those can affect her. So you are not without some control and power.

QUESTIION:
How can I "help" her feel the guilt she should be feeling everytime she sneaks around with the OM?
She doesn't seem to feel ANY guilt whatsoever.

People round here who know better than me, but I'd guess she feels SOME guilt.

Should I just act like I trust her 100%?

Not neccessarily, but tell her you are trying to trust her 100% and you appreciate her efforts?

Should I just act like I don't care?

I wouldn't, but maybe others will think differently.

Please don't think this next thing is a plea for sympathy:
Feelings of lonliness and needing to be loved are really starting to sink in pretty deep. Even though we are living together..we are not together. I feel like nothing...like I'm "just here"...if that makes sense...i dunno.

Perfect sense unfortunately. I know exactly how you feel. Can't offer you any comfort here mate - we're both holding the same end of the ****ty-stick.

Please help me!

Wife is going on with the divorce. I got petitioned the other day. She borrowed the $3000.00 retainer fee from a friend she said (but I suspect OM). Unimportant at this point where she got the money.

She's upset about doing it. Still saying she KNOWS she can never trust me again. Yet I KNOW that I'm a different person in only the last 4 months. I've made some changes and I know what I need to do to keep our marriage strong...or to make it strong again. She won't give me the chance.

She has taken the step of filing for divorce. I'm not sure what to do from here. I have a lawyer I've been talking to but can't afford a retainer so I'm just paying as I go if I can do it. I DO NOT WANT this divorce.

I NEED HELP OR ADVICE on how to delay it, stop it...prolong it etc. Once it's done..it's done and everying will be gone.

PLEASE HELP ME!

my email is gsnh3@attbi.com

---DESPERATE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm not sure what to tell you Seacoast... You did betray your wife more than once so her love for you might be really strained. You need to do some major damage control and I'm not so sure you've done it. She has NO FAITH in you. YOU have to change that, and only YOU. Did you honestly think she'd stick around when you kept betraying her? That's the problem with fog...

<small>[ June 01, 2003, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: findingmywayback ]</small>

I have been following this for a while and after reading so much I understand that your marriage was laced with affairs and distrust . Not once but more then that on both sides. I don't see you saving a marraige here but I can tell you that you are now on the fast track to divorce. Your wife has a OM that is giving her emotional surpport and $$. Start putting your ducks in a row. I realize you are hurt but it seems that are no longer each others friends and the bond has been broken. You can slow down the process of divorce and hope she comes around but that for the most just dosn't work.
Give me your email address and I will give you a site that will answer all your questions. It might be called www.dadsdivorce.com. Try it. Divorce is a chess game make your moves very carfully. Good luck

Thanks for your input.

My email address is gsnh3@attbi.com

The thing about this is that it's not a situation where she hates me. She says she still loves me, but is not "in love with me" because she "knows" she will never be able to trust me. Yet I KNOW I can redeem myself and prove my worth to her, but I can't do it if she won't let me. She also says that she's still attracted to me.

I just want to buy some time. I'm afraid of the court putting me (or her) out of the house. Is that something that can be done? There's no abuse or violence or anything of the sort.

what state are you in? You can certainly stall this process but it also takes money and legal help. If you have a home and want custody then that can be used as a stalling tactic. On ther other hand if she really loved you then she would not of filed but instead went to a MC with you. Start thinking what you really want not just from the heart but from the head. When people feel rejected they tend to be "inlove" even more this is an emotional defence system working and fades in time. Think clearly and not with your heart. Think about the children first and what in the long run is best for you. This OM might not have deep pockets and with a little resistance can put a freeze on the process.

We are in New Hampshire.

Yes we have a home and 3 children.

We have talked about doing a 50-50 custody thing with the kids where we'll do 4days-3days-3days-4days type of schedule or something like that.

That is the ONLY thing I will agree to. I am not a weekend dad and don't ever intend on being one.

As for the house...I want to stay here but financially it's probably not going to happen UNLESS I can convince her to keep the mortgage in both our names. I don't think she will do that.

I don't want this to get UGLY..and so long as she does not use the kids as a weapon...and she agrees to move out of the house..I guess I would be ok with that. Anything else I wont accept unless I'm required to. At THAT point it would get ugly.