If the children want to live with you and see what is happening then you should move for custody. You have a 17 year old boy and a 15 year old female they can tell the judge that they would like to stay with you and it's pretty much over after that. You must log everything and get the goods on her . Show that she is not at home. Look at the site I sent you.

Hi,

It's not like that exactly and I'm sorry if I was misleading.

She is a good mom and I could never take the kids away from her. It wouldn't be fair to her or the kids. However, I am EXPECTING a 50/50 split of custody. If she tries for anything less, I will attempt to get more. I would hope (and i THINK) she wouldn't do that...but I don't know.

My children's ages are in my signature line.

f10, f13, m17

One of my fears is how I will feel after she has done this to all of us. After everything is final.

I'm still very much in love with her, yet she will not believe it. After everything is finalized, I'm afraid my love for her will turn to hate and complete disprespect for what she is doing. Of course, I'm taking blame for what I did..but she expects me to take the blame or at least partial blame for the divorce when I do not want it at all. I refuse to take the blame for the D. I'm also letting the kids know that I'm trying to make mom change her mind so they will know that this is not my decision whatsoever.

Sorry for all that...more info than you wanted I think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks.

I feel so sorry for you!
I'm the BS in my marriage and I would love my husband to say what you're saying!
I hope for you that your W changes her mind!!!

Thank you DanishWoman.

The thing that is REALLY boggling my mind is that we were so in love back in December 2002.

I know I betrayed her trust this time with a hidden cellphone, etc. (nothing physical yet she doesn't believe it)

HOW CAN SHE GO FROM BEING IN LOVE WITH ME TO WANTING A DIVORCE?

A few quick points:

- She thinks it was all a lie and i was "fooling her".

- I betrayed her trust when we had the best relationship ever since we've been together.

- She says I don't know what love is and that I don't really love her. That hurts and is frustrating because I don't know how to prove it to her anymore. Everything I do or say means nothing to her.

Should I confront the person I think is the OM even though she refuses to admit this has anything to do with anyone?

Should I try to get him fired since he works with her? If so...HOW?

I need some help here before it's over. Before it's too late! I'm not giving up until the court says I have to.

email me if you would like...anyone. gsnh3@attbi.com

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: SeaCoast ]</small>

"After everything is finalized, I'm afraid my love for her will turn to hate and complete disprespect for what she is doing."

I think she already beat you to the punch... she lost respect and trust in you a long time ago... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by findingmywayback:
<strong>"After everything is finalized, I'm afraid my love for her will turn to hate and complete disprespect for what she is doing."

I think she already beat you to the punch... she lost respect and trust in you a long time ago... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know she has. Right now she is 110% "SURE" she's doing the right thing. She's sure I won't or can't change my ways.

I've never really faced the possiblility of losing her like this. Yes I took her for granted.

I love this woman so much. Yet she doesn't believe me. I've been trying to show her, but every time we start to talk about things, she ALWAYS brings up what I've done or haven't done.
I'm trying to make her understand that I know I've taken her for granted and even though we've come close to this point before, it was never real (for me anyway). I always thought she'd be there and we'd stay together no matter what. I was wrong. So wrong.

There is a temporary hearing date of 7/14. I need to get her to believe in me or at least make that 110% to 90%..at least make her think or second guess. She's not second-guessing anything right now.
I know I'm sounding very pathetic..BUT
Help me! Please help me! How can I put some doubt in her mind? How can I sway her to reconsider?

It sounds as if she has the emotional surpport she needs from someone other then you, that is helping her move it forward. It also sounds as if the issues you both had were over a long period of time. Who is it that she is seeing and does his wife know about this?. Don't do anything now. Go slow this is a long process.

The person she is denying seeing is a 35 yr old single guy whom she works with. As far as I know he has never been married.

I can't go TOO slow because the court date is only 5 weeks away. This has been going on for 4 months or so.

I just don't know how to help her see that what I say is for real. Of course, him being in the picture isn't helping.

I'm lost...I need some help with this, because I really don't know what to do.

SeaCoast,

She is doing this because there is emotional surpport that she can count on to help her move forward. But there is time. The better question is this. Are you home all day dwelling on the divorce are you out of work. Tell me what are you doing to change your way of life and in turn showing her that you are in fact improving yourself. It sound as if she has no faith in you so why now? and what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Your wife made up her mind and now you find yourself up against an OM. But that won't last the question is what can you do to turn it around and the answer is it will have to be done in baby steps. What ever you do stay away from the OM, any move to talk with him will bring them closer.
You NEED to start working on yourself and soon. Become emotionaly strong for yourself and children. Keep logs of her going and coming just incase.

Yes I'm out of work right now. Got laid off about 4 or 5 weeks ago. I don't know if I can even hold a job right now. I'm just so consumed with the fact that I may lose her. I feel like I already have. Right now it seems so hopeless.

Her mind is SO made up it's scaring me.

I have improved on myself starting 4 months ago. I quit drinking (which was not a HUGE problem). I went with plan A. No help. She just seems totally detached from me. We live together and sleep in the same bed. But I feel so lonely and miss her terribly. I'm not trying to sound as if I'm full of self-pity. I know there is some...but what can I do precisely to make her SEE she may not be making the right decision?

Hi Seacoast unfortunately there may not be anything you can do right now to stop her. As sad as that may seem you need to start thinking about how to help yourself if she goes through this. If she does end up filing you'll be OK believe that. Find strength is your kids to move foward and still be the best dad you can be.

I was married for 17 years with two kids after the D I thought I couldn't do it but quickly found out that life has to continue and we still posses the power to make ourselves happy.
Be strong

Carl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Carl:
<strong>Hi Seacoast unfortunately there may not be anything you can do right now to stop her. As sad as that may seem you need to start thinking about how to help yourself if she goes through this. If she does end up filing you'll be OK believe that. Find strength is your kids to move foward and still be the best dad you can be.

I was married for 17 years with two kids after the D I thought I couldn't do it but quickly found out that life has to continue and we still posses the power to make ourselves happy.
Be strong

Carl</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the words, Carl.

She already has filed, but we still have the temp. hearing on 7/14. This is the point where we will have to find seperate living arrangements.
I don't want it to get to that point if I can help it at all. I want her to believe in me and KNOW I mean what I say. I'm already showing her...but all she says is "everything is too late". I know it's possible she completely has fallen out of love with me as hard as it is to even think it...but I need the chance she won't give me (again).

Hey SeaCoast- I've been reading this thread, and it looks really familiar to my situation. My wife actually moved out immediately after I found out about OM, and I waited about six months to try and reconcile. I'm hearing much of the same as you, although there hasn't been any D filed for yet ( only cause she procrastinates... thankfully this time it works in my favor). I pray for your situation as well- Do you have faith in God? All things happen for a reason, God hates divorce, so be comfortable with the fact you have God on your side- this doesn't mean all will work out like you want, and D may still happen, but remeber always God has a plan for you, and this is part of it. Learn, grow, and take whatever comes as a stepping stone in your life. I never had a relationship with God until all this happened, so I thank Him for my situation, cause it saved me spiritually. Just something else to think about. Give all to God and He will guide you. Best of luck and you're in my prayers.

Me- BS
M- 11y
2- kids B/9 G/7
DDay 9/02
Seperated but still trying

She is inlove with another. You are in a very ntough spot but don't force yourself on her in anyway. Tell her simply that you love her and want to work on your lifes together. You need to find work and get out of the house so that she see's strengh not weakness. Thisd is not easy but you must start getting emothionaly prepared for this. It might not work and it might not pay to fight it just be strong for yourself and children. In turn she might see that.

where are you and are you ok?

thanks for asking.

no. not alright. had another blowout yesterday. its so frustrating. everything i say gets twisted by her. i cant say anything thats right or that she believes.

i dont know if i should ignore her completely or keep trying to make her see the light. of course she already thinks she "finally" saw the light. she's tired of talking about it. so am i frankly...but i dont know what else to do to make her understand.

Hi SeaCoast.

I feel so sorry for the pain you are going through. My situation right now is quite similar to yours, so believe me, I understand how frustrating it is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> everything i say gets twisted by her. i cant say anything thats right or that she believes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is a part of her withdrawal process. She has to defend what she's doing and if she allows you to be 'right' about anything, maybe it would be hard for her to hold on to her descision.
Would it be an idea that you stop asking questions and stop defending and explaining for some time? Don't push her, don't tell her how you'll change but show her what a nice and cool guy you are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i dont know if i should ignore her completely or keep trying to make her see the light. of course she already thinks she "finally" saw the light. she's tired of talking about it. so am i frankly...but i dont know what else to do to make her understand. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think you can say anything that will make her understand. I know you feel there is little time - but eventually she will see the light. If you give her some space and show her that you mean what you say maybe she'll reconsider.
I would say you'll have to let her come to you.
You have 3 kids and she'll have to communicate with you in the future. Im sure she'll wake up some day.
Don't lose hope!

Blessings <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you.

I'll just "be" for now and let her complete the process. I have no choice.

It looks as though I will have to borrow money for a lawyer..i have about 3 more days to do this.

Once both lawyers start talking and "negotiating" it's going to get very very bad unless she is fair about everything.

Thanks for the support.

Hi all!

I know it's been months since I've come around.

Things have been changing dramatically.

My wife moved out of the house on Nov. 1, 2003.

I bought her out of the house. :-)

Kids are adjusting pretty well now...we are on a 50/50 joint custody arrangement. The children are with each of us for 3 days at a time and it's working out very well for the children.

I am still paying too much support to her under our temporary orders and court keeps getting continued. I know that she wants full custody so she can get more money out of me. Not for the kid's sake, but for hers.

I have NO IDEA who this woman is anymore that I married 18 years ago. I'm now learning things about her personality and character that I have probably overlooked for most of our marriage.

Well...I just wanted to touch base and let you all know I'm still alive and kicking. :-)